Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 7, Episode 23 - 'Tis Time to Smell the Roses - full transcript
Al takes a $12,000 offer for early retirement from the shoe store, but Peggy finds the money and spends all of it in one hour by shopping. Al is forced to go back to work where he hears ...
[♪♪♪]
Well, kids, it's
Friday afternoon.
You know what that means.
BOTH: We play
Make-Believe Daddy.
Yeah!
[DEEP VOICE] Hi, kids, I'm home.
BOTH: Daddy. Oh.
Would you like your pipe
and slippers now, Daddy?
And what would
you like, beautiful?
[NORMAL VOICE] Just hold
me in your powerful argyle arms.
[DEEP VOICE] Kids, go put on
some Johnny Mathis
and, uh, get out of here.
BOTH: Ooh.
Ah, no, not the sock again.
How come he gets
a pipe and slippers?
I've had a cold for three days,
I gotta sleep in the garage.
[NORMAL VOICE] It's
for your own good, Al.
You know what they say:
"Starve a cold. Freeze a fever."
I've got a good
mind not to tell you
what happened at work today.
And... And... And it
was real interesting too.
Well, Sock Daddy almost
got stuck in the lint filter today.
Yup, marriage
stinks, have a kid.
Kid stinks, have another.
And everything
will be all right.
Well, let Sock Daddy top this.
I've been offered
early retirement.
They've offered to, uh,
give me a year's pay.
A check for $12,000.
BOTH: Daddy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Would you like your pipe
and slippers now, Daddy?
Ha!
I don't get it, Al.
You mean, they're gonna pay
you just to sit around the house?
Yes, Peg. Quite a little
novel idea for you, isn't it?
But I don't know
what I should do.
Well, that's never stopped
you from taking me.
Shouldn't stop you
from taking $12,000.
Oh, take the money, Al. I mean,
look what work has done for you.
You got lines in your face.
Your cheeks are sallow.
You lost all your hair.
Peg, that's what
you've done to me.
But work can't be helping.
Besides, just think what
we could do with that money.
Al, we could pay off our Visa.
Oh, do it for me, baby.
I don't know how much longer I
can go without charging again.
I didn't work 20 years
to pay off a Visa bill.
Creditors don't get one penny.
How dare they expect us
to pay for five-year-old items.
I mean, if they're stupid
enough to give me credit,
let them raise their interest.
And let the honest
people pay for it.
[ALL LAUGH]
All right, we have had enough.
Every day, our paper is missing.
We never see you take
it, but we know it's you.
We have many signs
that point directly to you.
Our stoop smells.
Our roses have been
used as a restroom.
And I keep finding
all of these loose hairs
all over our porch,
which look like
they were once here,
here,
or in there.
How dare you accuse me,
or any member of
my law-abiding family.
I demand an apology.
That's a... That's a bad dog.
BUCK: Yeah, I stole.
But at least I wasn't the
one who wet the bushes.
Look, you don't have to worry
about us stealing
anything anymore.
Al just got $12,000
for early retirement.
Oh, well, that's great, Al.
Why, you could
live off the interest.
See, if you don't
touch your capital,
your interest could earn
as much as $12 a week.
Really?
And you could use
the time off, old paint.
Ah, don't wind up like my dad.
The man worked through
his 70s, every day of his life.
His back bent from work.
Hm, was he a coal miner?
No, a gigolo.
He was always going to
retire, but then it was too late.
He tragically died
preparing for a job.
Burned to death
in a tanning bed.
Well, at least he died the
way he always wanted to:
no tan lines.
Jefferson still has
the cotton balls
that were between what
used to be his dad's toes.
I can't tan or eat
a well-done steak
without thinking of that man.
My poor baby. His was
a close but tragic family.
His mother was an exotic dancer.
She was swallowed whole
by her snake during a break
at Airport Totally Nude.
[SIGHS]
I can't wear a belt or buy
an expensive pair of boots
without thinking she's in them.
Come, Jefferson. In
honor of your parents,
come dance naked for
me and then pleasure me.
Yes.
Yes, I'll do it for Mom and Dad.
I just hope wherever
they are, they're watching.
I think we might be better off if
we bought our own newspaper
and get those people
the hell out of here.
But you know, there's
something to be learned
from Jefferson's
extra-crispy dad.
There comes a time when a man
has accomplished all he can do.
I think you already have.
I fear you're right.
But you know, it wouldn't be bad
to have a little extra money
in the bank around this time.
So I'm gonna do
it. I'm gonna retire.
And then I'll have more
time to pursue my real hobby:
Hey, what are you
doing out here?
We've got room for you too,
right here in
retirement village.
♪ Day-o ♪
♪ Day... Day-o ♪
♪ Daylight come And
I working no more ♪
♪ Daylight come And
I working no more ♪
♪ I see deadly red tarantula ♪
♪ But I sit here with my
hand In my pant-ula ♪
Happy, honey?
Yeah.
Good, because I think you've
had enough time to relax.
You've slept late
and you've sat down.
Now it's time to
get another job.
But, Peg, we got $12,000.
Honey, how long do you
think $12,000 is gonna last?
I mean, we've only had
that money for an hour,
and already it's
down to $10,000.
And that is just
for hair, nails,
and $1800 worth of junk.
Now, honey, am I gonna
have to spend all of this money
before you realize it's
time to get a new job?
But you know, it doesn't
have to be just any job.
It should be something you
can be proud of. A step up.
That's why I've made
an appointment for you.
You see, there's
an opening for a guy
to separate garbage into
paper, plastic and spit.
If you hurry, you
can be that guy.
Oh, but, Peg, why can't
getting a job wait till tomorrow?
Al, there's a lot of competition
out there in the job pool.
Why, every day,
more illegal immigrants,
some of whom speak English,
are out there flooding
the job market.
Now, if you were a customer,
what would you rather hear:
"Yeah, yeah, I'll
get you a slushy,"
or, "Please, sir, I will
gladly serve you a slushy.
Thank you for not killing me."
Believe me, honey. I love you.
And I wouldn't hire you
to put phone-sex cards
under windshield wipers.
Besides, you know,
$10,000 is really...
[RINGS]
Hello? Oh, yes, I... I
did place that order.
Thank you.
Nine thousand dollars...
is really, really not a
lot in this day and age.
Especially since we put it in
my name to hide it from creditors.
Oh, Peg, that reminds
me. Where is my money?
Yeah.
Like I'm really gonna tell you.
The way you
just fritter it away.
[PHONE RINGS]
That'll be for me.
I ordered the entire
Elvis plate collection
from the Franklin Mint.
Now, there is no guarantee
that they'll go up in value,
but all the others have.
Uh, and so, uh, Miss, uh...
"Blaub..."
Ms. Blaub. Uh, yeah. I'm sorry.
Uh, your name was partially
obscured by some errant flesh.
Um...
As I was saying,
I... I'm just not going
to take anything,
unlike you at a buffet.
So, um... Uh, what
do you have for me?
Some Mennen Speed
Stick in my desk.
Well, uh, let me
give you a little tip.
It goes under your arms.
If you could ever
get them horizontal.
Well, I can see that you
are a real people person,
so let's get you the hell out
of here as quickly as possible.
How many years of
college did you have?
[LAUGHS]
I was just entertaining myself.
Did you go to high school?
Polk High.
And while I find you
fat and repulsive,
I'll gladly regale
you with tales
of my four touchdowns
in one game.
Oh, how rare it is
to have someone
who played high-school football
in an employment office.
Look, blob... Blaub!
I know your name. That
was a descriptive term.
Now, look. I'm putting myself
in your sweaty,
bloated hands here.
I'm looking for a
career, not just a job.
You know, like a... A doctor
or a guy who plays
with hooters all day.
That would be an
anesthesiologist.
Well, don't worry, I think
we have something perfect
for a man with
your qualifications.
Tell me, do you have any skills?
Well, I'm, uh,
naturally inquisitive.
Um, for instance, I'm
wondering, uh, just how strong
that chair is you're sitting in.
Gee.
I have the perfect job for you.
[BLOWS WHISTLE] Okay, line up.
Customers will
be coming in soon.
You guys ready?
All right, Bundy,
meet the people
you'll be working with.
I like to call 'em
"The Three Habibs."
That's management
for you. They're all alike.
Never get to know
your real name.
No, it is true. We
are all named Habib.
Well, how do I tell you apart?
It is easy. You
just call us Habib
and point to the one
you wish to speak to.
That's what we do.
Is that not right, Habib?
Yes, it is, Habib.
Learn our names
quickly, old one.
Soon we will be
"Ownership Habibs."
The shoe store's for sale,
and we are saving
our money to buy.
Ah, just go ahead
and play the lottery.
There's no money in shoes.
I was selling shoes when
you guys were just a gleam
in a New York
taxicab driver's eyes.
Bundy, I've been called
away on urgent business.
One of the prostitutes
I use is free.
I'm leaving you in charge.
The whistle is yours.
Management.
I'm the boss.
Finally, somebody's
mistrust in foreigners
has put me in charge.
Okay. Huddle up.
All right, I'm running
this team now.
And remember, there's
no "I" in "shoe store."
Now, here's what we're gonna
do. We're gonna run a zone.
Habib, you cover running shoes.
Habib, you cover cross-trainers.
And, Habib,
you cover a hot dog with
mustard and you bring it back here.
Ready? Break. HABIBS: Break.
I like this.
I like this so much, I'll
tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna buy this shoe store
and be the last
American in this country
to own his own business.
WOMAN: Hi. I'm Charlene Tilton,
and I'd like to introduce
you to the Abdomenizer.
Hey, Mom, how did you
ever get Charlene Tilton
to come exercise
in our living room?
Well, I called to order
one of those things,
but I wasn't sure
that I wanted to buy it.
So she rushed right over
to answer all my questions.
It's easy and fun.
You just described me,
you former Dallas cutie.
I like to call myself
"Abdomenizer B."
But, uh, I don't need
no stinking exerciser.
I get plenty of
exercise up in my room.
Yes, but with the Abdomenizer,
for the first time, you
could have some company.
Peg.
Kids. Charlene Tilton.
Peg,
I now know what's been
holding me back all these years.
Mm, that would be us.
I bet he has a new
plan to change his future.
I should have
killed you years ago.
If you really wanna
change your future,
start with your stomach.
Why, I wouldn't be here
if I didn't believe in it.
Oh, come on. You'd be
here for a slice of cheese
and a Ritz cracker.
Now, Peg, I know
you could never guess,
so I'm just gonna tell you.
I want to buy a shoe
store. It's a gold mine.
No, I do not want your
opinion. Give me the money.
Al, what woman would
give her husband his money?
Honey, it just isn't done.
Peg, I need it, and
I need it now, baby!
Can't you see, Peg? I'm actually
really excited about something.
Well, believe me, Al, I
am the expert on this.
Wait about 30 seconds,
you won't be anymore.
Uh, Peg, I'm not
gonna beg for it.
It's my money, and I demand it.
Peg, I'm begging you for it.
Now, Peg, give me my money.
All right, fine.
We'll have a vote.
Who doesn't want
me to have my money?
Now, that hurt, Charlene.
All right, I now know
what I have to do.
Oh, Al, you're so cute.
You're gonna try to earn
it by having sex with me.
No, Peg. Nope.
Gonna take my pants off,
get a lawn chair,
and sit in my underwear
over at your college.
Tell everybody I'm your father.
And then I'm gonna go over
to your diner, where you work.
Pull up my Hanes.
Tell them all I'm your father.
Then I'm gonna go prancing
around your beauty parlor.
Oh, and did I mention
by then I won't be
wearing any underwear?
And then, just
for the heck of it,
I'm gonna have a
big sign that says:
"I've been using the
Abdomenizer two years,
and this is what I look like."
Now, let's vote.
Who wants Daddy
to get his money?
I knew you were all behind me.
Now, Peg, help me
out here. What time is it?
Time to buy an Abdomenizer.
[MUTTERS]
It's 6:30, honey.
All right, 6:30, 6:30.
That's fine. All right.
Stores are closed. I
have to go tomorrow.
That's fine. Might
be another buyer.
I have to get there early.
This is going to be the
biggest day of my life.
Peg, the only thing
you have to do, honey,
you have to make
sure I wake up at 8:00.
Can you do that for me, baby?
I'll do it for you, baby.
[BOTH LAUGH]
You know, Charlene
was really right
about this Abdomenizer thing.
Mm.
It does work. Heh.
Peg?
Peg, thanks for
waking me right on time.
You know, it's 4:00
in the afternoon.
Well, honey, if I could handle
responsibility, I'd have a job.
Well, no harm done.
I called to see if they sold
the place without me and, uh...
[CHUCKLES]
they did.
They sold it this
morning. How about that?
Well, who cares? It
was just a life dream.
You know what, Al? Next
time you have a dream,
let me know about
it. I'll wake you up.
[LAUGHS]
But, you know, the guy also
bought my old shoe store.
So, you know, it's hard to find
a guy with 20 years' experience
who will work for minimum
wage, so I got my old job back.
Oh, yay, Daddy.
Well, at least the
slow one is trying.
But you'll all be
rejoicing pretty soon.
Because I have $6000,
and I'm going to invest it
for the future of my family.
Six thousand dollars
worth of lottery tickets, Dad?
Think winner, son.
MAN [OVER TV]: We've
just been handed a bulletin.
We have a winner in this
week's Illinois State Lottery.
The winner lives right
here in the Chicago area.
And who more deserving
to win the $60 million
than the lowest
form of human life,
a shoe salesman?
Al, I think it's you.
It's me. It's me.
I know it's me.
I know at last an American
can dare to dream.
And the winner is
Habib, Habib, Habib.
Hey, Dad. I got a
seven and an eight.
I think we won $5!
Oh, my God. What?
Five dollars!
[ALL CHEER]
[♪♪♪]
Well, kids, it's
Friday afternoon.
You know what that means.
BOTH: We play
Make-Believe Daddy.
Yeah!
[DEEP VOICE] Hi, kids, I'm home.
BOTH: Daddy. Oh.
Would you like your pipe
and slippers now, Daddy?
And what would
you like, beautiful?
[NORMAL VOICE] Just hold
me in your powerful argyle arms.
[DEEP VOICE] Kids, go put on
some Johnny Mathis
and, uh, get out of here.
BOTH: Ooh.
Ah, no, not the sock again.
How come he gets
a pipe and slippers?
I've had a cold for three days,
I gotta sleep in the garage.
[NORMAL VOICE] It's
for your own good, Al.
You know what they say:
"Starve a cold. Freeze a fever."
I've got a good
mind not to tell you
what happened at work today.
And... And... And it
was real interesting too.
Well, Sock Daddy almost
got stuck in the lint filter today.
Yup, marriage
stinks, have a kid.
Kid stinks, have another.
And everything
will be all right.
Well, let Sock Daddy top this.
I've been offered
early retirement.
They've offered to, uh,
give me a year's pay.
A check for $12,000.
BOTH: Daddy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Would you like your pipe
and slippers now, Daddy?
Ha!
I don't get it, Al.
You mean, they're gonna pay
you just to sit around the house?
Yes, Peg. Quite a little
novel idea for you, isn't it?
But I don't know
what I should do.
Well, that's never stopped
you from taking me.
Shouldn't stop you
from taking $12,000.
Oh, take the money, Al. I mean,
look what work has done for you.
You got lines in your face.
Your cheeks are sallow.
You lost all your hair.
Peg, that's what
you've done to me.
But work can't be helping.
Besides, just think what
we could do with that money.
Al, we could pay off our Visa.
Oh, do it for me, baby.
I don't know how much longer I
can go without charging again.
I didn't work 20 years
to pay off a Visa bill.
Creditors don't get one penny.
How dare they expect us
to pay for five-year-old items.
I mean, if they're stupid
enough to give me credit,
let them raise their interest.
And let the honest
people pay for it.
[ALL LAUGH]
All right, we have had enough.
Every day, our paper is missing.
We never see you take
it, but we know it's you.
We have many signs
that point directly to you.
Our stoop smells.
Our roses have been
used as a restroom.
And I keep finding
all of these loose hairs
all over our porch,
which look like
they were once here,
here,
or in there.
How dare you accuse me,
or any member of
my law-abiding family.
I demand an apology.
That's a... That's a bad dog.
BUCK: Yeah, I stole.
But at least I wasn't the
one who wet the bushes.
Look, you don't have to worry
about us stealing
anything anymore.
Al just got $12,000
for early retirement.
Oh, well, that's great, Al.
Why, you could
live off the interest.
See, if you don't
touch your capital,
your interest could earn
as much as $12 a week.
Really?
And you could use
the time off, old paint.
Ah, don't wind up like my dad.
The man worked through
his 70s, every day of his life.
His back bent from work.
Hm, was he a coal miner?
No, a gigolo.
He was always going to
retire, but then it was too late.
He tragically died
preparing for a job.
Burned to death
in a tanning bed.
Well, at least he died the
way he always wanted to:
no tan lines.
Jefferson still has
the cotton balls
that were between what
used to be his dad's toes.
I can't tan or eat
a well-done steak
without thinking of that man.
My poor baby. His was
a close but tragic family.
His mother was an exotic dancer.
She was swallowed whole
by her snake during a break
at Airport Totally Nude.
[SIGHS]
I can't wear a belt or buy
an expensive pair of boots
without thinking she's in them.
Come, Jefferson. In
honor of your parents,
come dance naked for
me and then pleasure me.
Yes.
Yes, I'll do it for Mom and Dad.
I just hope wherever
they are, they're watching.
I think we might be better off if
we bought our own newspaper
and get those people
the hell out of here.
But you know, there's
something to be learned
from Jefferson's
extra-crispy dad.
There comes a time when a man
has accomplished all he can do.
I think you already have.
I fear you're right.
But you know, it wouldn't be bad
to have a little extra money
in the bank around this time.
So I'm gonna do
it. I'm gonna retire.
And then I'll have more
time to pursue my real hobby:
Hey, what are you
doing out here?
We've got room for you too,
right here in
retirement village.
♪ Day-o ♪
♪ Day... Day-o ♪
♪ Daylight come And
I working no more ♪
♪ Daylight come And
I working no more ♪
♪ I see deadly red tarantula ♪
♪ But I sit here with my
hand In my pant-ula ♪
Happy, honey?
Yeah.
Good, because I think you've
had enough time to relax.
You've slept late
and you've sat down.
Now it's time to
get another job.
But, Peg, we got $12,000.
Honey, how long do you
think $12,000 is gonna last?
I mean, we've only had
that money for an hour,
and already it's
down to $10,000.
And that is just
for hair, nails,
and $1800 worth of junk.
Now, honey, am I gonna
have to spend all of this money
before you realize it's
time to get a new job?
But you know, it doesn't
have to be just any job.
It should be something you
can be proud of. A step up.
That's why I've made
an appointment for you.
You see, there's
an opening for a guy
to separate garbage into
paper, plastic and spit.
If you hurry, you
can be that guy.
Oh, but, Peg, why can't
getting a job wait till tomorrow?
Al, there's a lot of competition
out there in the job pool.
Why, every day,
more illegal immigrants,
some of whom speak English,
are out there flooding
the job market.
Now, if you were a customer,
what would you rather hear:
"Yeah, yeah, I'll
get you a slushy,"
or, "Please, sir, I will
gladly serve you a slushy.
Thank you for not killing me."
Believe me, honey. I love you.
And I wouldn't hire you
to put phone-sex cards
under windshield wipers.
Besides, you know,
$10,000 is really...
[RINGS]
Hello? Oh, yes, I... I
did place that order.
Thank you.
Nine thousand dollars...
is really, really not a
lot in this day and age.
Especially since we put it in
my name to hide it from creditors.
Oh, Peg, that reminds
me. Where is my money?
Yeah.
Like I'm really gonna tell you.
The way you
just fritter it away.
[PHONE RINGS]
That'll be for me.
I ordered the entire
Elvis plate collection
from the Franklin Mint.
Now, there is no guarantee
that they'll go up in value,
but all the others have.
Uh, and so, uh, Miss, uh...
"Blaub..."
Ms. Blaub. Uh, yeah. I'm sorry.
Uh, your name was partially
obscured by some errant flesh.
Um...
As I was saying,
I... I'm just not going
to take anything,
unlike you at a buffet.
So, um... Uh, what
do you have for me?
Some Mennen Speed
Stick in my desk.
Well, uh, let me
give you a little tip.
It goes under your arms.
If you could ever
get them horizontal.
Well, I can see that you
are a real people person,
so let's get you the hell out
of here as quickly as possible.
How many years of
college did you have?
[LAUGHS]
I was just entertaining myself.
Did you go to high school?
Polk High.
And while I find you
fat and repulsive,
I'll gladly regale
you with tales
of my four touchdowns
in one game.
Oh, how rare it is
to have someone
who played high-school football
in an employment office.
Look, blob... Blaub!
I know your name. That
was a descriptive term.
Now, look. I'm putting myself
in your sweaty,
bloated hands here.
I'm looking for a
career, not just a job.
You know, like a... A doctor
or a guy who plays
with hooters all day.
That would be an
anesthesiologist.
Well, don't worry, I think
we have something perfect
for a man with
your qualifications.
Tell me, do you have any skills?
Well, I'm, uh,
naturally inquisitive.
Um, for instance, I'm
wondering, uh, just how strong
that chair is you're sitting in.
Gee.
I have the perfect job for you.
[BLOWS WHISTLE] Okay, line up.
Customers will
be coming in soon.
You guys ready?
All right, Bundy,
meet the people
you'll be working with.
I like to call 'em
"The Three Habibs."
That's management
for you. They're all alike.
Never get to know
your real name.
No, it is true. We
are all named Habib.
Well, how do I tell you apart?
It is easy. You
just call us Habib
and point to the one
you wish to speak to.
That's what we do.
Is that not right, Habib?
Yes, it is, Habib.
Learn our names
quickly, old one.
Soon we will be
"Ownership Habibs."
The shoe store's for sale,
and we are saving
our money to buy.
Ah, just go ahead
and play the lottery.
There's no money in shoes.
I was selling shoes when
you guys were just a gleam
in a New York
taxicab driver's eyes.
Bundy, I've been called
away on urgent business.
One of the prostitutes
I use is free.
I'm leaving you in charge.
The whistle is yours.
Management.
I'm the boss.
Finally, somebody's
mistrust in foreigners
has put me in charge.
Okay. Huddle up.
All right, I'm running
this team now.
And remember, there's
no "I" in "shoe store."
Now, here's what we're gonna
do. We're gonna run a zone.
Habib, you cover running shoes.
Habib, you cover cross-trainers.
And, Habib,
you cover a hot dog with
mustard and you bring it back here.
Ready? Break. HABIBS: Break.
I like this.
I like this so much, I'll
tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna buy this shoe store
and be the last
American in this country
to own his own business.
WOMAN: Hi. I'm Charlene Tilton,
and I'd like to introduce
you to the Abdomenizer.
Hey, Mom, how did you
ever get Charlene Tilton
to come exercise
in our living room?
Well, I called to order
one of those things,
but I wasn't sure
that I wanted to buy it.
So she rushed right over
to answer all my questions.
It's easy and fun.
You just described me,
you former Dallas cutie.
I like to call myself
"Abdomenizer B."
But, uh, I don't need
no stinking exerciser.
I get plenty of
exercise up in my room.
Yes, but with the Abdomenizer,
for the first time, you
could have some company.
Peg.
Kids. Charlene Tilton.
Peg,
I now know what's been
holding me back all these years.
Mm, that would be us.
I bet he has a new
plan to change his future.
I should have
killed you years ago.
If you really wanna
change your future,
start with your stomach.
Why, I wouldn't be here
if I didn't believe in it.
Oh, come on. You'd be
here for a slice of cheese
and a Ritz cracker.
Now, Peg, I know
you could never guess,
so I'm just gonna tell you.
I want to buy a shoe
store. It's a gold mine.
No, I do not want your
opinion. Give me the money.
Al, what woman would
give her husband his money?
Honey, it just isn't done.
Peg, I need it, and
I need it now, baby!
Can't you see, Peg? I'm actually
really excited about something.
Well, believe me, Al, I
am the expert on this.
Wait about 30 seconds,
you won't be anymore.
Uh, Peg, I'm not
gonna beg for it.
It's my money, and I demand it.
Peg, I'm begging you for it.
Now, Peg, give me my money.
All right, fine.
We'll have a vote.
Who doesn't want
me to have my money?
Now, that hurt, Charlene.
All right, I now know
what I have to do.
Oh, Al, you're so cute.
You're gonna try to earn
it by having sex with me.
No, Peg. Nope.
Gonna take my pants off,
get a lawn chair,
and sit in my underwear
over at your college.
Tell everybody I'm your father.
And then I'm gonna go over
to your diner, where you work.
Pull up my Hanes.
Tell them all I'm your father.
Then I'm gonna go prancing
around your beauty parlor.
Oh, and did I mention
by then I won't be
wearing any underwear?
And then, just
for the heck of it,
I'm gonna have a
big sign that says:
"I've been using the
Abdomenizer two years,
and this is what I look like."
Now, let's vote.
Who wants Daddy
to get his money?
I knew you were all behind me.
Now, Peg, help me
out here. What time is it?
Time to buy an Abdomenizer.
[MUTTERS]
It's 6:30, honey.
All right, 6:30, 6:30.
That's fine. All right.
Stores are closed. I
have to go tomorrow.
That's fine. Might
be another buyer.
I have to get there early.
This is going to be the
biggest day of my life.
Peg, the only thing
you have to do, honey,
you have to make
sure I wake up at 8:00.
Can you do that for me, baby?
I'll do it for you, baby.
[BOTH LAUGH]
You know, Charlene
was really right
about this Abdomenizer thing.
Mm.
It does work. Heh.
Peg?
Peg, thanks for
waking me right on time.
You know, it's 4:00
in the afternoon.
Well, honey, if I could handle
responsibility, I'd have a job.
Well, no harm done.
I called to see if they sold
the place without me and, uh...
[CHUCKLES]
they did.
They sold it this
morning. How about that?
Well, who cares? It
was just a life dream.
You know what, Al? Next
time you have a dream,
let me know about
it. I'll wake you up.
[LAUGHS]
But, you know, the guy also
bought my old shoe store.
So, you know, it's hard to find
a guy with 20 years' experience
who will work for minimum
wage, so I got my old job back.
Oh, yay, Daddy.
Well, at least the
slow one is trying.
But you'll all be
rejoicing pretty soon.
Because I have $6000,
and I'm going to invest it
for the future of my family.
Six thousand dollars
worth of lottery tickets, Dad?
Think winner, son.
MAN [OVER TV]: We've
just been handed a bulletin.
We have a winner in this
week's Illinois State Lottery.
The winner lives right
here in the Chicago area.
And who more deserving
to win the $60 million
than the lowest
form of human life,
a shoe salesman?
Al, I think it's you.
It's me. It's me.
I know it's me.
I know at last an American
can dare to dream.
And the winner is
Habib, Habib, Habib.
Hey, Dad. I got a
seven and an eight.
I think we won $5!
Oh, my God. What?
Five dollars!
[ALL CHEER]
[♪♪♪]