Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 7, Episode 22 - 'Til Death Do Us Part - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

AL: Oh, Lord...

if I ever meant anything to you

please let me fall asleep
before she thinks of sex.

Al...

You are a woman, aren't ya?

Oh, Peg, we just
did it last month.

A man can't just roll
over and do it again.

We have to rest in between.

Al, you can't wear
that cool V-neck T-shirt

and those stained pajama bottoms
and expect me not to want you.



[GIGGLES]

Ah, they do show off the
merchandise, don't they.

Let's prepare ourselves.

Ah.

Oh, Al, you're...

done.

[AL SNORING]

Thanks again, honey.

How you feeling, Peg?

I'm surprised you could make it
down those stairs this morning.

I know. I was pretty tired.

I hope that buzzing didn't
keep you awake last night.

Yeah, those damn bees.

You know, and one
must have stung you too,



'cause I heard you scream.

You wanna do it again tonight?

Oh, Peg, I think if we
do it again too soon

it'll cheapen the experience.

Bask in the afterglow, baby.

Now, Peg, you're not glowing.

You don't have that

I've-been-satisfied-by-Al-Bundy
look on your face.

Gee, maybe you should
go to your girlie doctor.

You know, they say you
should get checked out

every 50 years or so.

You know, put you
up on the old rack,

check your belts and hoses.

Honey, there is nothing
wrong with my belts and hoses.

I just need to be taken out
and driven once in a while.

Well, that can't
be a shot at me.

I'm Al "The Mailman"
Bundy. I deliver.

Yes, Al, but mailmen are slow.

And they deliver every day.

Yeah, but they don't always
have to go to the same house.

But seriously, Peg, I
mean, you weren't satisfied?

Well, let's put it this way:

I used to call you
"the minuteman."

Now I long for those days.

But, you know, Marcy
was very comforting.

She said with you, the
sooner it's over, the better.

[CHUCKLES]

You told her?

Al, you, uh...

You wanna throw
around the football?

[LAUGHS]

There, are we done?

[LAUGHING]

I think she might have told him.

Al, really, you
shouldn't feel badly.

The reason you're so
inept in the bedroom

is because you've chosen
to put all of your energy

into your magnificent
shoe career.

Uh, it's time
someone spoke for Al.

Guess I was wrong.

Oh, Al's down.

I guess my work is done.

Well, let's leave these
two lovebirds alone.

They may wanna
have sex for a second.

Whoops, they're done.

Oh, relax, Al.

I'm sure she didn't
tell anyone else.

MAN: Hey, Bundy, do me a favor.

Have sex with
your wife 50 times.

We're cookin' an egg.

[MAN LAUGHS]

Hey, Darly, why don't you
use the time it takes your son

to get out of his dress?

Hiya, boy. How you doing?

BUCK: Well, let's just
say you won't hear my bitch

complaining to her friends.

Good boy.

Daddy, do you remember
my boyfriend T-Bone?

No, but he sounds delicious.

Oh, I'll tell him you said so.

Anyway, we were all
down at the Harley shop,

and he and his friends
got into a discussion

about whether there
should be a limit

to presidential
campaign contributions.

Which, of course,
led to a knife fight.

Oh, and, Daddy, you
should be proud to know

that nowadays when
kids fight they say:

"I'm gonna waste you
quicker than Al Bundy."

Well, anyway, what
really bothered me

was that I didn't know
anything about this politics stuff.

Daddy, they called me stupid.

Am I stupid, Daddy?

Pumpkin...

Now, you see
that tree out there?

Now, that tree grows
and breathes, just like you.

So, pumpkin, you're
just as smart as that tree.

Oh, you have to say that
'cause you're my father.

Hey, anybody on the
street would say that.

But now, pumpkin,

if you want to impress
that psychopath

that you're dating,
here's what you should do:

Learn one thing really well.

Just pick some topic
that comes up often

among your friends
in conversation.

So politics or condoms?

Politics would be good.

You can start by learning
about all the presidents.

There's more than one?

Indeed.

[CHUCKLES]

So learn all about
the presidents

and you'll fool your
friends into thinking

you know other things too.

And you'll never have to
impress anybody again.

Thanks, Daddy. I'm gonna
go learn about the presidents

quicker than Al Bundy.

Hi, honey.

You're gonna be so proud.

At the supermarket I heard
that they have changed

the 10-item-or-less express line

to the Al Bundy line.

Oh, honey, you look down.

Well, I got ya a little present.

Aurora white

and a nice burrito.

Come on, Al, break
'em both open.

No.

My self-esteem, my sexuality,

my whole manhood's
been taken from me.

I never wanna go to
the bathroom again.

Well, maybe we can finally
get that curl out of the wallpaper.

And the birds will
come back again.

Oh, honey, this is
really bothering you.

Well, I'm gonna
fix it right now.

Okay.

Hello, Marcy.

Al and I just had a
major sex-o-rama.

[GIGGLES]

Yeah, Al Bundy.

He was magnificent.

Yes, Al Bundy.

Well, Marcy, I... I
don't have the strength

to speak any longer.

But let's not tell
anyone about this.

Oh, except maybe the
girls at the beauty parlor

because, you know, we
know we can trust them.

[CHUCKLES]

Uh-oh. Al's got that
look in his eye again.

Oh, no, Al.

Please have mercy. I... I...

Well, now you're a legend, baby.

[GIGGLES]

Feel better?

No.

We know it's not true.

Come on, honey, have a burrito.

No.

Oh, come on,
Al. It's off a truck.

Hm.

Well, maybe just one bite.

Yeah.

Maybe just one roll.

Still hurtin', though.

Uh, you wanna share
some of that with me?

All right, honey.

Now we are gonna learn
all about the presidents.

As a visual aid,
we are gonna use

Xeroxed copies
of Daddy's money...

I have the originals.

With pictures of our greatest
dead presidents on them.

Now, this is George Washington,
the father of our country.

I thought that was James Brown.

No, he's the Godfather of Soul.

I thought that was Don Corleone.

I think we've had
enough for one day.

Well, I still thirst
for knowledge.

I know, I'm gonna
go to the place

that got me through high school:

the principal's house.

His door always was
opened for troubled girls.

[CHUCKLES]

Hey, Daddy, ask me
who's on the one-dollar bill.

Who's on the one-dollar bill?

George Jefferson.

So it was George Washington
that was married to Weezy?

Al, I was at the
beauty parlor today

and your name is
on everyone's lips.

Well, that and bonbon crumbs.

[CHUCKLES]

Everyone thinks you're a stud.

But you don't.

Sure, I do.

You do?

Okay, your relentless
interrogation has broken me.

I don't.

But either way,
it doesn't matter.

Because you're
mine and I love you.

Honey, I'm gonna go upstairs
now and take a shower.

My new nozzle,
Jeffrey, just came in.

What happened to me?

I used to be good.

Everyone said I was good.

And girls don't lie.

Only women lie.

Maybe I should ask
some of my ex-girlfriends.

How desperate would I have
to be to have my ego boosted

by girls I slept with
and never called again?

Come on, Lois.

So it's been 20 years
since I promised to call you.

I'm calling you now.

Now, listen, this is a toll call

so let me get
right to the point.

Remember that night in the
back seat of my old Dodge?

How was I?

I knew it.

"What kind of car am I
driving now?" I gotta go. Bye.

Uh, yeah, can I speak
to Marilyn Fisher?

Oh, she's Mrs. O'Brien now.

Uh-hm. Um, you're the husband.

I see. Well, could
you do me a favor?

Yeah, uh, my name's Al Bundy.

Uh, could you ask
her if she meant it

when she said she'd had
them all, but I was the best?

Oh, she's breast-feeding.
Hey, hey, that...

That brings back memories.

So I was great.

The best!

[LAUGHS]

Oh, come on, now.
You're making me blush.

Well, thank you,
Sister Mary Ignatius.

I knew I was good.

And if I was good once
I can be good again.

I'll just get back in shape
and show Peg I still got it.

Al, I'm gonna take a nap.

Yeah, rest up, baby.

And this time I
may even kiss you.

Well, son, this is
where it all happens.

The Bundy gymnasium.

And until recently,
the place I came to cry.

But not today. Today we train.

Do a little bench press.

Do about 30 reps.

Count for me, son.

[GRUNTS]

[PANTING]

One.

[PANTING]

Take the weight, son.

What?

Take the weight.

Got it? Yeah.

[GRUNTS]

Mommy!

Get it off me!

Okay. Get it off me!

I'm gonna... I'm
gonna roll it, Dad.

I'm gonna roll it.

Not that way!

Other way. Other way.

Oh, mommy!

[SCREAMS]

[YELPS]

How many was that?

One, Dad.

All right. Well...

That's enough weightlifting.

Don't wanna get too bulked up.

Supple strength is what I need.

We'll go hit the heavy bag.

All right.

I used to box in
the Golden Gloves.

Really, Dad?

Son, don't you
think if I actually had,

I'd have told you about
it 100,000 times by now?

[GRUNTING]

[LAUGHS]

[PANTING]

You gonna be okay, Dad?

Maybe.

Well, I hope so, 'cause, uh,

it's a long way
to get a neighbor

to give mouth-to-mouth.

You know, son,

this has taught me
a valuable lesson.

I'm plenty strong enough

but it's endurance that I need.

Come, boy!

I'm going to run.

But I need motivation.

Show me the picture of Grandma
in her string bikini, please.

[SCREAMS]

Come on, Dad. Come on.

Just two more steps.

Thanks for helping,
Mr. and Mrs. D'Arcy.

We wouldn't have helped,
but he passed out on our lawn.

And I would have left
him there for compost,

but the flies started gathering.

It's our little squirrel
friend, Zippy.

Well, it doesn't
look like Zippy.

Well, you have to imagine him

with blood, bones,
and internal organs.

Squirrel killer.

Get him, Zippy.

Ow!

Okay, okay, come on. Marcy.

Marcy, come on. Come
on, let's go, honey.

I'll give Zippy a nice burial.

Cheer up, Dad. So
you killed a squirrel.

If it wasn't you it would
have been some cook

at a Chinese restaurant.

Oh, Daddy, I'm
glad you're alone.

Listen, I have great news.

You found your
underwear in the park?

No, but if I'm
ever looking for it,

I know you're wearing it.

[MOUTHS] I'm not...

Anyway, Daddy, your
advice worked out.

We were all down
at the biker bar

and everyone started
talking about what happens

when no presidential
candidate has a clear majority

of electoral votes.

And I said that the last time
this happened was in 1824.

The House decided the election
and John Quincy Adams won.

Daddy, I wowed them.

Now everybody
thinks I'm a genie.

Oh, thank you, Daddy.

Now I know I can
overcome any obstacle.

I love you.

Mwah.

Where you going, Dad?

To the basement.

You gonna cry, Dad?

Yeah, I am.

But then I'm going to train.

Because if my little girl can
train herself to hold a thought,

I can train myself
to hold my wife.

[THE FABULOUS THUNDERBIRDS'
"TUFF ENUFF" PLAYING]

♪ I would walk 10 miles
On my hands and knees ♪

♪ Ain't no doubt about,
baby It's you I aim to please ♪

♪ I'd wrestle with a
lion And a grizzly bear ♪

♪ It's my life, baby
But I don't care ♪

♪ Ain't that tough enough? ♪

♪ Ain't that tough enough? ♪

Let's see what you got, punk.

[GASPS]

PEG: Oh, Al!

Oh, Al!

Oh, Al!

And to all a good night.

[♪♪♪]