Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 7, Episode 15 - Heels on Wheels - full transcript

It's Friday, Friday,
Friday, on NBC.

By the way, we're for sale.

So come on, folks, dial
the number on your screen.

Then press "one" to
buy the evening news.

Press "two" for the
entertainment division.

Press "three" for
actual, live TV executives

who will talk to you
about your fantasies.

Uh, hello. I was wondering,

if I buy the news division,

do I get to use Tom
Brokaw any way I want to?

Bryant Gumbel?



You can keep him.

God, for once I'm
actually glad to be home.

A customer comes
in the store today...

Tall, willowy brunette.

Sits down,

says she'd like to try on
a pair of size-12 pumps.

So I'm down there, you
know, just doing my job,

and notice she's wearing
a garter belt, like I like.

And a nice pair
of silk stockings.

All the time, she's
smiling at me.

All of a sudden,

she uncrosses her
legs, like in Basic Instinct.

You saw it all?

Yes.



It was a guy!

Oh, Peg. I tell you...

Does this mean that
I'm...? That I'm...?

Gay, Al?

No, Peg. Just 'cause
I was vaguely excited

touching a man's calf and I
don't want to sleep with you?

No.

I have no doubts
about my sexuality.

No, what I was wondering was

am I too sexy for
my own good, Peg?

No, I mean, I don't
wanna turn on men

so, uh, I come to the expert.

Peg, how do you make
them not want you?

Well, apparently you marry them.

Oh, come on, honey,
it's Friday night.

Let's go out.

I hear there's a revival
of The Sound of Music

playing downtown.

I'm not gay.

Come on, honey.
Get that toe a-tapping.

♪ A kiss on the hand
May be quite continental ♪

♪ But a diamond is
a girl's Best friend ♪

I'm not gay!

God, what a day at the diner.

Damn vegetarians.

They're so damn picky.

I mean, they find one cat's
claw in the chopped salad...

And the way they scream

you'd think it was his
head or something.

I mean, what are they
complaining about?

A cat's practically
a vegetable anyway.

And if that wasn't enough,
this transvestite comes in.

A really obvious one.

I mean, you could
spot him from a mile off.

Those huge calves.

Like anyone wouldn't notice.

Ah. He wanted some shoes,

so I sent him
over to your store.

I thought you could use
a good laugh, you know.

Honey, you're hurting
Daddy's feelings.

He was attracted to that man.

That wasn't my transvestite.

Mine was a
good-looking man and, uh,

smelled vaguely of hyacinth.

You two can be
so cruel sometimes.

I'm not gay!

Daddy's gay?

Yes, honey.

Look, I'm bored.

What say the three of us
go down to the male strip club

and we can watch
Daddy fight for the guys.

Oh, not tonight, Mom.
I'm too tired to go out.

Well, how could you be tired?

I've been sleeping all day.

How could she possibly
understand what it's like

to live off the
sweat of our bras?

Yeah.

Yeah, or bending
down all day long,

looking up men's dresses.

I want somebody
to go out with me.

Well, why don't you ask Bud?
Something's gotta prepare him

for a lifetime of going
out with his mother.

I mean, who taught Liberace?

Ask your father, I'm
sure he knows all about it.

I am not gay. Would a
gay man dress like this?

Or endure one moment
in a house this color?

Excuse me, family, while I
say good night to my date.

Lulu, one for the road.

Ooh.

Good things do come
in small packages.

Well, then you should
have him turn around.

I almost forgot.

Yup.

Did you hear the news?

They discovered a bright,
new, shiny star in the heavens,

and I do believe it's me.

I hit upon a grand scheme:

I volunteered as a nude
model for an all-girls art class.

Did you have to move around

so that they could do
all seven dwarfs naked?

I'll talk to you when I
need a Coke and fries.

But when a girl
wants to draw a nude

in positions far too
embarrassing for a guy

who cares what
people think about him,

well, that's when they
come to "Buff" Bundy:

Buttocks for Hire.

Anything you wanna
say to me, Dad?

Well, actually,
son, I wanna know.

Are you sure that
was a girl? Because...

Just because it
looks like a girl

doesn't necessarily
mean that it is one.

Dad, did you get lost and go
to the wrong nudie bar again?

How was I supposed to know

what that song "Macho
Man" really meant?

Had a good beat,
everybody was dancing.

I thought all the girls
were in the restroom.

You know how girls go
together and everything.

Yeah. Sure, Dad.

You see, what matters here is,

I'm finally peaking
while you're creaking.

Two old people on the couch.

Oh, sorry, Kel. Make
that three old people.

Come on, everyone,
say, "Clapper."

That is just ridiculous.

I am not getting old.

Oy, oy, oy.

There's something
terribly wrong here.

My brother's cooler than me.

My aged mother's cooler than me.

Even my new, gay
daddy's cooler than me.

It was just a harmless
calf caress, that's all it was.

Mom, give Dad a wine spritzer.

I'm in a crisis.

I've gotta do something
wild. Something out of control.

Something that
reaffirms my youth.

I am gonna fight this with
every breast in my body.

Here we go, son.

Saturday afternoon,
working on the car.

Just like when you
were a kid, eh, son?

Sure is, Dad.

In fact, it's the
same exact car.

You know, Bud, someday
this car is gonna be yours.

Thanks, Dad.

Please, please
don't paint it, okay?

Yeah. It is cool.

These here are the
sleekest, sexiest lines

American engineers
could come up with.

Why, just the name itself
bespeaks power and wealth:

"Dodge."

That about says it all.

Check the oil.

Down a quart. Give
me an OXY pad.

Yeah.

Gay, huh?

Let's see a gay guy do this.

Al, Kelly didn't
go to work today.

Where could she be?

Look what I bought.

Kelly, you can't possibly
keep this motorcycle.

It is far too dangerous,
especially for you.

On a motorcycle,

concepts like
left, right, and stop

are more critical.

Well, I'm keeping my bike.

It's gonna keep me young.

Kel, it's not a time machine.

And it's not your body,
so keep your hands off it.

Honey, you have
to get rid of it.

No one who loves you

would want you to
endanger your life like this.

We saw the motorcycle.

We saw the motorcycle
and we rushed over.

Oh, Al.

We couldn't be
happier that you got one.

You know, there are a lot
of myths about motorcycles.

Like that "always
wear a helmet" thing.

But that's not for men like you.

Popping wheelies, going 90
the wrong way on the interstate,

that's for cool
outlaw guys like you.

Ride like the wind, wild one.

Drive fast, drive often,

and drive when you're
really, really tired.

Marcy, it's not Al 's.

It's Kelly's.

Oh, God, get rid
of it. They're killers.

Give it to your father.

Ride like the wind, wild one.

I'm sorry, but I'm
keeping my bike.

How could I take
advice from you people?

I mean, two of you are geeks
and two of you are my parents.

I'll let you decide who's who.

Well, maybe I can
be of some help.

After all, Kelly,

we both live under the rule
of older, dull, parental figures.

But sometimes the
fogies can be right.

Oh, I'm a living witness to the
real horror of the motorcycle.

Yeah. I had a bike once.

Oh, it seemed like fun.

But then, one day
I was driving along

when suddenly it happened:

Wham! The wind
whipped through my hair,

knotting it, splitting my ends.

It was chaos.

I had to be airlifted
to a special hair clinic

in Switzerland.

My head soaked in
conditioner for three solid weeks.

But on the good side,

I did get to share a
room with Don King.

Kelly, you are just doing
this as an act of rebellion.

You're feeling old, aren't you?

Well, what you need to
find are some grown-up ways

to have fun and
make life interesting.

For instance, when
I'm feeling a little down,

to brighten my day,
I cut all my hair off.

Then I wait for it to grow
back so I can cut it all off again.

Cut, cut. Snip, snip.

Then I take all the
hairs up off the floor

and make little animals.

Heh. Okay. As you can see,
we've got quite a life going.

Okay, Marcy,

let's go renew your
prescription at the drugstore.

Do you think this will
make a nice reindeer?

Well, it's been more
fun than I can describe

with my limited vocabulary,

but, uh, I'm gonna
ride my bike now.

Uh, Kelly, honey,

you know, I rode a few
motorcycles when I was young.

Ha-ha-ha.

I remember the wind, the speed,

the vibration, ha-ha,

the whirring.

Vroom, vroom. Heh-heh-heh.

Whirr, whirr. Vroom, vroom.

Oh, God, if only they made
stationary motorcycles.

How can I make you
people understand?

I mean, having a motorcycle's
gonna open up new vistas for me.

Things you can't do in a car.

You can ride alone.

You can ride in a group
of other motorcycles.

You can ride alone,

but go to the place where
the group rode their cycles.

You can go to this place and
you can talk about motorcycles,

and then you can get
back on and go home.

Plus, I can't return it,

because I can't
remember where I bought it.

Whirr, whirr.

Vroom, vroom.

You're the king, baby.

Dad, will you help me
crowbar Mommy off my bike?

I must heed the
call of the open road.

I must fly like the beagle.

I'm gonna eat my
Trix on Route 66.

Oh. Oh, the freedom.

I can ride my bike
anywhere, anytime.

Nothing is gonna
keep me off of it.

Uh-oh, rain.

Daddy, can I borrow the car?

Thank you.

Mom, eww.

Hi, honey. I was
just looking at it.

Upstairs, Al. Now.

How could I talk
Kelly out of this?

She doesn't listen to me.

I don't blame her.
Nobody does. I'm an idiot.

But I'm not gay.

I'm sensitive.

Yeah, I should've
bought a motorcycle.

And I never would
have worn a helmet.

I have a lot to fear
from cracking my skull.

It takes a lot of brain-tongue
coordination to babble,

"Size 9."

Ah, but it would've been great.

♪ Oh, on the night I arrived
My daddy said, "Sake's Alive ♪

♪ It's the meanest one
That we've had yet" ♪

♪ Teethed on tin
And weaned on gin ♪

♪ I was nobody's Teacher's pet ♪

♪ I grew up rough and
mean In my early teens ♪

♪ And I didn't want
to go To school ♪

♪ I called no man "sir"
Work was a dirty word ♪

♪ My biggest kick
Was breakin' the rules ♪

♪ Now, when you see
me comin' Get away ♪

♪ The ones that didn't
Ain't around today ♪

♪ The sweetest piece of
lovin' Any girl ever had ♪

♪ I'm here to tell you
boys I was born to be bad ♪

♪ Born ♪

♪ Born to be bad ♪

♪ I was born ♪

♪ Born to be bad ♪

♪ Now when I reached 21
I knew the time had come ♪

♪ I had that old Ramblin' itch ♪

♪ Breaking little girls'
hearts I tore the world apart ♪

♪ A guitar playin' son of a... ♪

♪ Born to be bad ♪

♪ That's the story Of my life ♪

♪ Yeah, doing things wrong ♪

♪ Was my way Of
doing things right ♪

♪ Now, when I'm gray and
old And my story is told ♪

♪ I know what the
people Will say ♪

♪ They'll be glad to see me
go But the little girls'll know ♪

♪ I was bad Till my dyin' day ♪

♪ So when you see
me comin' Get away ♪

♪ The ones that didn't
Ain't around today ♪

♪ The sweetest piece of
lovin' Any girl ever had ♪

♪ I'm here to tell You boys... ♪

Yeah, but I have all this.

So long, everybody!

Oh, my God! What have I done?

Oh, Daddy, you were right.

The bike is dangerous.

What if it was me?
I could've been hurt.

What, Daddy?

I won ugh.

"I won one"?

Nine-one-one!

Here's your gruel, Daddy.

You know, I learned
a valuable lesson:

Motorcycles are
far too dangerous.

You're much safer in a car.

I mean, I didn't even feel
any impact when I hit you.

Get this out of the way.

Argh, argh.

What, Daddy?

Argh, argh.

Oh, goody, now
we're playing pirate.

Argh, argh, where be the gold?

Oh, you're the coolest,
Daddy. And you're so smart.

I mean, you knew that
the only way to convince

an impetuous youth like
myself was to show me.

And you did that.

I guess you do love me.
Oh, don't you, you big lug?

Argh, dirty scum, argh.

Mommy?

She's out taking care
of what's left of my bike.

Come with Mommy.

Oh.

The cold garage
is no place for you.

When you're done with Daddy,
just put him in the garage.

Well, for once,
everybody's happy.

I love you, Daddy.

♪ Now when I reached 21
I knew the time had come ♪

♪ I had that old Ramblin' itch ♪

♪ Breaking little girls'
hearts I tore the world apart ♪

♪ A guitar playin' son of a... ♪