Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 6, Episode 22 - The Goodbye Girl - full transcript

Oh, Al, please let
me go with you. Nope.

Ah, come on, Al, please? Please?

I really, really wanna go.

No!

Now, let me explain
this one more time.

This is my vacation.

I work hard all year long alone.

I'm going on my vacation alone.

Be brave, Peg.
Be back in a week.

Goodbye, Al.

Goodbye, Peg.



Oh. Good to get away.

Look at my itinerary.

"Bundy World Tour '92.

Day one: Arrive in New York."

Courtesy of Escape
From New York.

Then it's on to
the nation's capital

for Happy Hooker
Goes to Washington.

Day two.

Al... Peg...

you're not allowed to "Al."

There will be no "Al-ing"
for my entire vacation.

I am not here.

Day two:

I shall Concorde over to
merry old England for...



British Babes Need Discipline.

But, Al...

Peg, sorry, the captain's
turned on the "No Peg" sign.

Dad, don't leave yet.

A terrible tragedy's
befallen Kelly.

Sorry, Bud. As you can see,

my seat is now in
an upright position.

I don't understand. Every
time he goes to the doctor,

everything checks out fine.

Well, it's like when
you bring your car in.

You know, it never
knocks and pings

when the mechanic
is looking at it.

But the minute you get it home,

it is the same old
piece of backfiring junk

it always was.

And what happened to Kelly?

Her modeling school closed down.

It seems they moved upstairs,

and most of the models
can't find it anymore.

Poor Kelly. She must be crushed.

She spent so much
time learning the art

of rapidly undressing
and dressing again.

I don't think she learned
that at modeling school, Mom.

Now, Bud, it is not nice
to talk about your sister.

But she's not here,
so I guess it's all right.

Where is she?

Where she always goes to
contemplate during a crisis.

She's at TV World,
Chicago's finest theme park.

Ah. Yes,

that's where she went to
contemplate the significance

of why Garfield can talk
while Odie speaketh not.

That was a rough six months.

She's probably wandering
around Kung Fu Land.

What if she tries to do
something rash, like think?

Am I truly nothing? Is
this all there is to life?

What's wrong, ducky?
You haven't touched a thing.

I don't blame you.
I'm not hungry either.

What should I do with
my life? I need a sign.

Oh, there's one.

Master, the modeling school's
closed, and now I'm lost.

Which path should I follow?

Press button A for
Eastern philosophy.

Press B for last night's
basketball scores.

Press C if you'd like your
own personalized videotape

of you pressing C.

You have pressed A,
heavy Eastern philosophy.

My child, remember,

the wise man can eat no
more with four chopsticks

than he can with two.

Unless he...

Unless he what?

What, master, what?

Who keeps feeding this duck?

Unless he what? Tell
me before I kill you!

E-excuse me.

Are you from that modeling
school that closed down?

Yeah, how did you know?

Well, I saw the blond
hair and the loaf of bread,

and took a wild guess.

Listen, I have some advice.

Oh, wait, here.

Thank you.

Get a job.

But how, master?

Look, you go to
the Personnel office

and ask for an application.

Thank you.

You're so much wiser
than the other statue.

That's why I've got a pointed
stick and this bag of doodie.

Dad still on vacation?

Yes.

And not a postcard,
not a letter, nothing.

Okay.

Dad. This was really
cute when I was about 4.

But after 18 years
of your world cruises,

I can't help but
feel maybe it's time

to stand on a freeway off-ramp

with a sign that says,

"Mindless. Will embarrass
my family for food."

Bud. Come here a second.

Let... Let me explain
something to you.

You see...

you know that I'm just
sitting here on the couch,

and I know I'm just
sitting here on the couch.

But you see, son,

the rest of the weeks out of
the year, I'm selling shoes.

Ladies' shoes.

Fat ladies.

Very, very fat ladies.

And you know what
fat does best, son?

Fat sweats.

So after selling
fat sweat all year,

one needs a little vacation.

So you see, son, if
I didn't actually think

I was enjoying myself here,

I might one day just run amuck

and destroy everyone
and everything I see.

Do I make myself clear?

We'll discuss it when
you get back, Dad.

Mais oui.

Hi, Mom. Hi, Bud.

Is Daddy back from vacation yet?

Look around, honey.
Does it look like he's here?

Honey, are you okay?

We heard the
modeling school closed.

Several of the
mothers have called.

Their daughters are
eating Cocoa Puffs

and salt-pork products...

their weight, much like
their dreams, behind them.

How are you bearing up?

Well, I too was
feeling lonely and lost.

And I too almost buried
my troubles in pork rinds.

But thanks to the advice
of two wise statues,

I decided to get a job.

A job?

Oh, my God, the shame.

What will I tell the girls
at the beauty parlor?

Well...

you can tell them if their
husbands ever have time to kill

down by the airport,
they might wanna pop in

and see your little girl
at the Nude-A-Teria.

Bud, why don't you go
on and stand over by Dad,

so when he lands,
you can be there to yell,

"Da plane, boss. Da plane."

Anyway, you'll be proud to know

that I am now a paid employee
of TV World theme park.

Kel, I love TV World.

Oh, babes from everywhere
flock to Talk Show Land

to see the binge-and-purge
Oprah statue

that grows and
shrinks on the half-hour.

You have to get me in for free.

Yeah, sure.

I really wanna be at my
new job and hear screams of:

"There's a goose
monster loose in the park."

Hey, is it my fault that
every time I'm at the zoo,

10 girls happen to
back into my hand?

Anyway, Mom, I have a
really good feeling about this.

I mean, this could
be more than a job.

It could be a career.

Finally, a chance to
show what I can do.

Thank you, come again.
Thank you, come again.

Thank you, come again.

Thanks again. Come you...

No. Thank... No. Come...

Oh, who cares?

I hate this job.

This isn't even a
real job. What am I...?

"Thank you, come
again. Thank you..."

Thank you, come again.

Where's Dad now?

Well, according
to his itinerary,

he's in Casablanca.

Here's lookin' at you, kid.

I know this must be
trying on you, Mom.

When Dad gets back,
might I suggest that

you take the couch
and go on a cruise.

Huh. That's okay, Bud.

I choose to do my
fantasizing in, uh, other places.

But, you know, the one we really

should be worried
about right now is Kelly.

You know, ever since
she's had this job,

she reminds me of someone.

I just can't put
my finger on who.

Why doesn't the world explode

into a fiery, pus-filled death?

A fat woman comes
to the gate today,

her muumuu covering what
must've been three or four heinies.

Now, she could
exit through a little,

itsy-bitsy turnstile
or a huge gate.

Guess which one she chooses.

A line was forming. So
I had to do something.

So I got a tub of butter

from the "Delta Burke,
Let's Get Big" exhibit...

and oiled her up.

Then I went over
to Star Trek Land,

hot-wired the Enterprise,

and sent it up where
no man has gone before.

She goes flying like a
vegetable out of Dad's mouth...

right into The Facts of
Life Fan Club Pavilion.

Thank God it's always empty.

Can somebody give
me a reason to live?

Not a convincing one, no.

Listen, Kel. I know what'll
make you feel better.

You can get me
into the park for free.

I do nothing for you, niblet.

I do nothing for anyone.

All I wanna do is
just sit and relax.

Who is it she reminds me of?

Thank you, come again.

Thanks. Bye. Heh-heh.

Goodbye. Goodbye. Come again.

Kel. Kel. Get me in.

I'm sorry, but the Shemp
job in Three Stooges Land

has already been taken.

Vengeance shall be mine.

Then vengeance can't be a woman.

Now go away. Here comes my boss.

How's it going, Miss Bundy?

Fine, Mr. Nielsen.

Ahem. Uh, excuse me, sir.
But, uh, I just exited the park,

and this young lady
didn't say goodbye to me.

The heck you say.

I'm sorry, young viewer.

Just for that, we're
gonna give you a rerun.

That's a free ticket back in.

And it'll be a deduction
from Miss Bundy's paycheck.

Well, that almost makes
up for her rudeness.

But, uh,

I don't think she quite
looks sorry enough for me.

But I do think that me
and the rest of the public

would like to see
her head shaved.

Well, the modeling
school may be closed,

but its spirit must live on.

I will follow its motto:

Smile as if your
brain had wisdom.

Smile and go on NutriSystem.

Smile, something,
something, smile.

I will not let that
wisdom go to waste.

Hi, Kelly. What
are you smiling at?

Nothing. Life sucks.

Well, I just love it here.

I try to come as often as I can.

I just can't get enough of
that Cagney & Lacey exhibit.

That show always made
me wanna cut my hair short

and shoot at men
with my big gun.

But then again,
so did Bewitched.

And Gilligan's Island and
Green Acres and That Girl.

Excuse me, Mrs. D'Arcy,

but if you don't mind,
I'm kind of working here.

It takes all my
concentration, okay?

Goodbye. Goodbye.

Pretty cool, eh?

Nothing to be ashamed of.

At least you went out
and got yourself a job.

Some people don't even do that.

Here comes one now.

What was it like
working on Happy Days?

I'm telling you, kid, I was
not on Happy Days, okay?

My name is D'Arcy.
Jefferson D'Arcy.

Was that your name on Love Boat?

Oh, beat it!

Come on. Get out of here.

Damn kids.

I can hardly go out
in public anymore.

Well, here she is. Gee, Kelly,

it must be nice to feel
like a responsible adult.

To finally have a job.

Hey, Marcie, can I
have some money?

They have a really
nice TV World T-shirt.

I thought you said the
hat and nothing else.

Well, you got two things.

Well, I'm paying.

Well, if that's your attitude,

I wanna go home right now.

Why should you go and ruin...?

Wait a minute, Marcie.

If you guys are
gonna whine like that,

why don't you take it on over
to Thirtysomething Land, okay?

Welcome. How are
you enjoying the park?

This young lady
just snapped at us.

Well, here's two free passes.

It comes out of her salary.

Could I have a T-shirt too?

Sure. Miss Bundy's paying.

Heh!

Let's come back later and
pick another fight with her.

I could really use some shorts.

Well, why can't I
have the shorts?

I mean, I have the
legs in the family.

Can they walk home from here?

All right. Honey,
look, let's not argue

here in Chicago's happiest park.

You're right. Of course.

I know. Let's go to Steven
Bochco's Hall of Failures.

Listen, I hear
they're just finishing

the Capitol Critters exhibit.

Oh, I wanna see Cop Rock.

I wanna see Hooperman.

Two viewer complaints.

"Tsk, tsk," as we
say here in TV Land.

Save your "tsk" for
some other idiot, Nielsen.

I'm qualified for much more
than just standing by an...

Ex...

Excite sign.

I can say much more
than just "goodbye."

I can say "hello."

I can say "pretty bird."

Why, I can say about
four or five different things,

if given the proper chance.

I want a better job.

So I say to you what many
have said to me before:

put out or get out.

What do you have
to say about that?

Normally, two viewer complaints

would call for
your cancellation,

but come to think of it,

we do have an opening
for a vacuous blond.

I'm your man.

Can you feel the
excitement, boys and girls?

Here we are at the last stop.

Yes, Commercial Land.

Uh-oh.

See the disgusting,
filthy roaches

about to devour that
pie Mom made with love?

I said,

see the disgusting, filthy,

yet easily replaced roaches?

Roaches. Roaches!

Oooh!

But hark, who do I hear?

A reasonable facsimile

of one of the stars of your
favorite TV commercial.

Yes, kids. The Verminator!

Breathe hot, toxic,

but safe for the
ozone, vermin death.

Aahh!

Hasta la vista, buggies.

Hey, would one of you kids

like to ask the
Verminator a question?

Ahem. I would.

Excuse me, uh, Verminator.

But could you tell the kiddies

which back seat you'll
be appearing in tonight,

should they wanna
further their education?

Bud, please don't do this to me.

My wrath will be terrible.

Does anyone else have a
question for the Verminator?

Ahem.

I-I see you wear a
cape but no underwear.

Is that so you can more easily
change into your secret identity

of a mild-mannered
sex toy for the Navy?

Who would like to be
deputy Verminators?

Me! Me!

Well, I see one last roach
that I just can't quite reach.

He's disguised as a
dateless, bitter little troll.

That's him.

Yes, that's right.

Send him to Valhalla!

That's right, kids.
Destroy his evil tentacles.

Tentacles, kids,
I said tentacles.

So how was work, honey?

Oh, it was great.

You have no idea of
the power of television.

I could get those
kids to do anything.

First, I had them beat up Bud.

Then I had them
bring me a burger.

Then I had them
beat up Bud again.

Oh, but the... The best part
is that TV World asked Bud

to come back as King Roach.

Well, here's Bud. My little man.

He looks just cute as a bug.

Isn't it grand?

I get to command
his death every day.

Oh, and twice on Saturday.

I have finally found my calling.

To have my brother beaten.

It's just for the summer.

That's what your
father said 20 years ago.

Hey, Bud, you know, if
you had one more arm

you would have a date
for every night of the week.

That's it. Come on,
put 'em up. Let's go!

Come and get it, roach boy.

Oh, now, kids, please.

Don't you think your father
gives me a big enough headache?

What are you saying, Mom?

That I should just accept this?

That I should just let it ride?

I am a college man,

and I demand the
respect I deserve.

Well, look, we cannot
discuss this now.

We've gotta go
pick up your father.

Family, I'm home.

Daddy. Oh, hi, Al.

We missed you. Hi. Yeah.

Ah, you know, it was great.

But I haven't showered
in about a week,

so I think I ought
to get right to bed.

But before I do, I wanna
tell you something.

Let's sit down.
Come here a second.

I miss my couch.

That's it. Come on over here.

Now... guys...

I had it all.

Romance, intrigue, adventure.

But I learned one thing.

And it's the same
the world over.

There's nothing like being
home with a nice normal family.

Ah. Ah.