Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 6, Episode 18 - My Dinner with Anthrax - full transcript

Is nothing I do
good enough for ya?

I am not talkin' to you.

I don't wanna
discuss this anymore.

Al, it's our 20th anniversary,

and you give me a postcard.

Well, I read that the gift

for the 20th
anniversary is china.

That's a picture of China.

What do you want from me?

Hey, I could have got ya

a Chicago Bears
mug with a fill-up,



but I said: "No.

"My wife's anniversary,

here's the nickel,
give me the postcard."

Happy anniversary, babe.

Al, you never get
me anything good.

For our 15th anniversary
you got me some motor oil.

Hey, that motor
oil's still in your car.

Well, this year I want
something special.

Oh, all right, how much?

What I want won't
cost you a thing.

I wanna be made love to.

And you think that's not
gonna cost me anything?

And I am not just
talkin' about sex, Al.

I wanna be made love to.



What in sam hill does that mean?

I wanna be held, I
wanna be caressed,

I wanna be romanced.

Peg, wait a second.

I've been secretly
hiding a hundred bucks.

What say I just give it to
you and we call it even.

No.

I want some
romance in my life, Al.

And I'm not talking about

the old 30-second
crash-and-burn.

Or the old 20-second
bump-and-snore.

And I really don't want
that old New Year's Eve:

"Ten, nine, eight, seven,
six, five, four, three, two...

Sorry, better luck next year."

Peg.

Peg.

Peg, please reconsider.

Please, if you have
any feelings for me,

don't make me make
love to you, babe, please.

Peg, do ya hate me that much?

Come on, Bud.

They are just about
to announce the winner

for My Dinner With
Anthrax contest.

Where's the remote?
Where is the remote?

Okay, I got a plan.

Dad once told me
about the old days.

People would actually walk
over to the TV and turn it on.

Go on.

I'm not kidding.

Just might work.

Woo.

And now's the moment
you've been waiting for.

It's time to pick the winner
of The Video Channel's

My Dinner With
Anthrax contest. Yes.

And as you can see, the
guys are pretty excited.

We pay for a
party in your house,

including dinner for you
and 50 of your closest friends,

and Anthrax will
rock your house off.

Yeah, is that right, guys?

I am dying.

Wouldn't it be so cool if
Anthrax came to our house?

Sure, it'd be great for them,
because they'd get to meet me.

Grandmaster B and Anthrax.

They think they're
gettin' some now.

Gee, ThighMaster,

shouldn't you be
undressing yourself

with your eyes about now?

Hush, hush, sweet harlot,

they're gonna announce
the winner now.

And the lucky winner is...

Bud "Grinch-master B" Bundy.

I won. I won! Me!

Anthrax is coming here!
Anthrax is coming here!

I'm having a party.

Gee, Bud, 50 of
your closest friends.

Let's see, I guess
that would be Grandma

and a bunch of
stuffed animals, huh?

Yeah, and my favorite
future welfare mother.

Speaking of which,

we've gotta get rid
of Mom and Dad.

Oh, yeah, them.

Yeah, they'd be
great with Anthrax.

Mom getting out her accordion

and playing songs
of her stinking youth.

And Dad saying:

"Do any of you guys
wanna see my bathroom?

The flush'll suck
your arm right down."

Well, maybe they'll
listen to reason.

Hey, Dad... Go away.

Dad, this isn't about money.

Go away anyhow.

Dad!

We wanna throw
a party on the 30th.

Can we, please?

Absolutely not.

I have something very
important to do that night,

requires total silence.

I can't get too technical,

but it involves your
mother, our anniversary,

and me making love to
her till I shrivel up and die.

Now, you're too young to
hear any more. Excuse me.

I'm going to go outside
and walk blindly in traffic.

Are you feeling better, Al?

'Kay, now that you're
more composed,

could you tell me
what you were doing

sitting behind my car

with the exhaust
pipe in your mouth?

My wife wants me
to make love to her.

Well, then shouldn't she

be the one with her
mouth on the exhaust pipe?

You don't understand.

She wants me to
hold her and to kiss her

and to tell her how
happy she's made me feel.

Look at me, I'm shiverin'.

Parts of me have fainted.

You can do it, Al.

Wilt Chamberlain claims to have
made love to over 20,000 women.

Yeah,

and not one of 'em was his wife.

All right, come on,
you can do it, Al.

First ya...

You put on some music,

and then you turn
the lights down low.

Low? Yeah.

Low? Yeah.

But I can still see her.

Al, Al, come on.

Hey.

Then they like you to
slowly undress them.

Then you lower her
gently onto the bed,

and eight hours later it's over.

Eight... Eight hours? Yeah.

Eight hours, oh,
God, the humanity.

Hold me, Jefferson.

You can do it, big guy.

No, I can't. You
don't understand.

It's my wife,
it's just not right.

It's your own
fault for being so...

damn desirable, Al.

Yes, you're right. Of
course I see that now.

When my look says
yes, how can I say no?

Well, I must prepare myself.

What are you gonna
do, some wind sprints?

No, no, I'm going to
the magazine stand,

get a copy of Big 'Uns and a...

great big bottle of Dramamine
for the she-sickness.

Hey, Dad.

Go away.

So, Bud, what about my idea
of getting rid of Mom and Dad?

Kel,

I think dropping a safe
on them would kill them.

It never killed Daffy or Elmer.

Or... Or that dog that's
always after the Road Runner.

Well, Kel, I guess as long
as old men in hats drive cars

and pass out
lollipops, you'll be fine.

Now, let me think.

Let's see, it's
their anniversary.

Wish we had enough money
to send them on a vacation.

Well, why don't we send them
on one of these free vacations.

You moron, these
aren't free vacations.

These are time-sharing
deals, they're total scams.

I mean, they get you down there,
they try to make you buy land,

they don't leave you
alone for two solid days.

It's torture. It's hell.

It's perfect.

Gee, I... I can't
believe we're in Florida.

Why, if it wasn't for the
thousand-degree heat,

the flying palmetto bugs,

and the smell of
your frying feet,

I'd think we were in heaven.

It was nice of the kids
to send us, though.

It's kind of romantic, huh?

You ain't seen nothin' yet.

Well, I guess that's it.
Happy anniversary, baby.

Bellboy!

Ah-ah-ah. No, no, no, Al.

I want the whole enchilada.

You know, the whole four yards.

That's nine yards, Peg.

Do you really want me
to get out the ruler, Al?

Now, let's get to it.

Oh, all right, go lay down,
I have to prepare myself.

♪ On the day I was born ♪

♪ The nurses All
gathered 'round ♪

♪ And they gazed
In wide wonder ♪

♪ At the joy they had found ♪

♪ The head nurse spoke up ♪

♪ Said "Leave this one alone" ♪

♪ She could tell right away ♪

♪ That I was bad to the bone ♪

♪ Bad to the bone ♪

♪ Bad to the bone... ♪

Let's jam.

Don't mind me, I'm
just settin' up here.

Hi, Stan Mendelson,
call me Cap'n Scooter.

I just wanna extend an official
welcome to Hurricane Hole,

soon to be sunny Florida's
finest resort community.

Let me get that
lizard there for ya.

So. Ya busy?

Not really.

Excuse me, I don't
mean to be rude,

but this is kind
of our vacation.

Mm. How pathetic is that?

But you got your job to
do and I got mine, right?

So this is an
artist's conception of

what Hurricane
Hole will look like

when it's finished

sometime in the year 3000.

But let's talk luxury,
let's talk condos.

Hey, I see you got a
copy of Big 'Uns there.

I had a letter
in the last issue.

But, you know, if you really
wanna see some "big 'uns"

take a look at this house.

Damn kids.

I think they tricked us.

We're here in
this sweltering hell

and they're having the wildest
time of their lives back home.

How about that, Chicago?

Ten feet of snow and
the city's at a standstill.

I bet the only place that's hot

is the party at
Bud Bundy's house

where Anthrax is
rockin' the roof off.

They must be
having one great time.

Well, that's guest number 50

that's snowed in
and can't make it.

I guess it means
more Anthrax for us.

"Let's get there
early," you said.

"For once let's be
responsible," you said.

"That dog won't take a
whiz on my guitar," you said.

I'm not so sure it was the dog,

Mr.
Two-Six-Packs-of-Malt-Liquor.

Well, looks like it's
just gonna be us.

That's okay. We can still
have fun together. Right, guys?

Well, here's a
little game I know

that can break
the ice at any party.

We say our first names and
then the name of an animal

that begins with
the same letter.

I'll go first.

Bud.

Bear.

Go on.

Dan.

Bite me.

Now... Now, right off, Dan,
that's... That's too many words.

Hi.

I just came by to check on you.

Oh, I see you have
some killers over.

Very nice.

I'm Marcie.

Nice to meet you, sir.

I am a woman.

Yeah, right.

And he's a rap star,

and she's a genius,
and we're glad to be here.

Well, anyway,

your mother and father
asked me to look in on you

while they were out of town,

just to make sure everything's
on the up-and-up, shall we say.

My, you're young and firm.

Thanks, mister.

Relax, Mrs. D'Arcy,
they're famous musicians.

We won them in a contest.

Musicians, eh?

Well, I don't want
you to think I'm unhip.

I chased the Monkees
like everyone else.

Yeah, I bet they
were running like hell.

Well, I liked Peter.
He was the shy one.

Which one of you is the shy one?

Not me, uh, I wear the hat.

Let's get this
little guy's shovel

and dig a tunnel outta here.

Sorry, guys, but, uh,

you're going nowhere.

According to this contract,
you owe us a song first.

Hey, it's supposed to
be dinner with Anthrax.

Dinner.

I play nothing till I eat.

In case you're wondering,
I'm the hungry one.

Let's go over to the fridge
and see what we got to eat...

Food!

Hey, do you guys
do "I'm a Believer"?

'Cause Micky used to
really rock out on that one.

Nah. Nah.

Wow, the desolation.

It's not totally empty.

There's a Chia Pet in there.

Uh, that... That's
not a Chia Pet.

That was a meat loaf. But, uh,

there's always Mom's
aluminium-foil-wrapped

mystery pack. Food.

Man, I am starving.

Oh, wow. They're gonna
eat the mystery pack.

Even Dad won't eat
the mystery pack.

These guys are cool.

Wow, the colors.

The colors.

Is your hunk moving?

Oh, it's biting me.

If it came out of the
fridge, why is it hot?

I see 50 people now.

Let's jam.

♪ They're gonna
Put me in jail? ♪

♪ Man, I'm already in jail ♪

♪ Don't they know
that my life's just ♪

♪ One big cell? ♪

Go ahead, see what it's like
to come home to your wife

in Hurricane Hole.

Vroom.

Look, Peg, I'm home.

Look, Stan, my
husband's a moron.

Now, look, it's our anniversary.

You could at least have
the decency to step outside

and give us three
seconds to have sex.

Ah!

Not until I've played
my trump card.

Folks, if you buy
here in Hurricane Hole

your celebrity
neighbor will be, yes,

Edd "Kookie" Byrnes.

♪ Kookie, Kookie
Lend me your comb ♪

♪ Kookie, Kookie... ♪

Have a comb, fans.

Oh, Al,

it's former teen idol and
star of 77 Sunset Strip

Edd "Kookie" Byrnes.

Oh, man.

So, Kook, tell the folks
why you bought here

in Hurricane Hole.

You gave me one for free, Stan.

Good, Kook.

So, what do you say,
folks? It's just 6 dollars down.

I don't have that kind of money.

Come on, everyone has that
kind of money, even Kookie.

Well, you see, my
husband is a shoe salesman.

Let's go, Kook.

Be out by dawn.

Oh, Al, Kookie spoke to
me. Let's do it on his combs.

Well, wait a second, Peg,

Kookie stole my
copy of Big 'Uns.

Come on, now, I want
my anniversary present.

Oh, Peg, I can't do it
without my copy of Big 'Uns.

Yes, you can.

Kookie, Kookie,
lend me my Big 'Uns.

You kids should be
ashamed of yourselves.

Having a party while I
was stuck down in a swamp

having sex with your mother.

I never wanna go back
to either place again.

Where's my fun?

Al, like you, the kids
just did their best.

We're sorry about
everything, Mom.

Yeah, happy anniversary.

Did you get us anything
good from Florida?

Well, we didn't have much money

so we got the only
thing we could afford.

It's out on the porch.

Hey, kids.

Hey, uh, as soon as I
bring in the rest of your bags,

I got a treat for you.

Yep. Kookie, Kookie,
lend me your comb.

Who's he?

That's Kookie. Your mother
said she'd walk and feed him

but you know the first rainy
night who's gonna be doing it.

By the way, who are those
guys out on the stoop?

Oh, that's the band Anthrax.

They... They ate
Mom's mystery pack,

so the Environmental
Protection Agency

quarantined them to
our house for six months.

Well, what kind of horrible
sounds am I gonna have to be

listening to for
the next half-year?

♪ Kookie, Kookie
Lend me your comb ♪

♪ Kookie, Kookie ♪

♪ I got smog in my noggin ♪

♪ Noggin ♪

♪ Ever since you
made The scene ♪

♪ The scene ♪

Baby, you're the ginchiest.

Oh.