Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 5, Episode 9 - Do Ya Think I'm Sexy - full transcript

Yep.

Finally,

a day off.

Boy, I'm gonna have me some fun.

What?

Hi, honey. Are you
enjoying your day off?

Peg, you know I am.

Now, how are you
gonna ruin it for me?

Sex, chores, what?

Oh.

Well, I guess we'll just
stick to chores today.



But I'll give you a choice:

shower or fix the doorbell.

How much work is
it to fix the doorbell?

Well, unlike taking a shower,

you might have to raise an arm.

Oh, Al, it makes this
wheezing pathetic sound.

I'm embarrassed to
have my girlfriends hear it.

Oh, come on,
they've heard worse.

You know, "Move along,
bossy, no grazing here."

Or, "Hey, how 'bout
sharing that cud?"

Excuse me.

That's the doorbell, Al.

Come in!

Oh, hi.



I'm Brenda. I'm
your new neighbor.

I just moved into the
house across the street.

Oh, yeah.

The old Thompson house.

You know, he used to be
in charge of the soy trough

over at Mr. Egg Roll.

But then he got promoted
to the guy who says,

"What size drink with that?"

So we knew he'd be moving
to a better neighborhood.

Hi, I'm Peggy. Hi.

If you want anyone to
tell a secret to, just tell me.

Oh, and if you need any
gossip on any of the neighbors,

just ask me.

People tell me everything.

Yeah, well, I've already
heard about the people

who live on the other
side of you: the Bundys.

Boy, the stories I've
been hearing about them.

They say the husband
will steal your paper,

stalk your pets and
eat your garbage.

Hey, half a potato
is not garbage.

Anyway, this
moving in is difficult.

It's harder because...

I don't have a man.

Mm. I know.

Where do you find
one these days?

Anyway, the movers, they left
my couch out in front of my house,

and I have a job interview.

I dance on tables
for men near airports.

So I was wondering if
you could watch it for me

until I get back?

Well, a quarter might
keep my eyes open.

Heh-heh. You know, that's funny.

A quarter used to keep
them closed in high school.

Well, miss, it's my day off,

and as you can
see, I'm all alone.

So, uh,

I don't mind moving
that couch for you.

Well, it is a big couch.

But then, you're a big man.

Hi, I'm Brenda Kostrowski.

Peggy, do you mind if I
borrow this big strong guy?

Yeah, okay.

Uh, just have him
back by tomorrow.

He has to perform brain
surgery in the morning,

and he has a loafer
sale in the afternoon.

Eh, my mother worries so.

After you, my rear.

I-I mean, my dear.

You are too tired
to fix the doorbell,

and yet you can
go move her couch?

Yeah.

Let's, uh, hurry up and
get that couch inside

before Peg wants
to go sit on it.

Why do we have
to fix the doorbell?

Well, Kelly, that's why
grownups have kids.

They had me to fix
things and you to...

say "What's that?" every
time you see an airplane.

Now, you're sure
the power's off?

For the thousandth time,

yes, the power is off.

Aaaaghh!

Help me!

Kelly,

spell "off."

Spell it!

"O"...something.

Well, I'm just gonna go
change the old underwear.

And we'll start this again.

Maybe next time you
can go the extra mile

and put a bucket of
water for me to stand in.

Peg!

Peg, come here!

Guess what happened.

Buck stood upright, and
he's taking over your job.

Yeah, like he could
work the register.

Oh, please, just tell
me what happened.

Well, after I moved
Brenda's couch,

she said I was cute.

Oh, Peg, I think she likes me!

Oh, honey.

How could she?

Oh, believe me, Al,

and I'm telling you this as
your wife and as your friend,

no one likes you.

Face it, sweetie.

I know you better than anyone.

And believe me,

she sees you as
the world sees you:

as cheap labor.

Now, how 'bout a beer?

Hi, Mom.

Listen, um, Bud
needs this to stand in

while he fixes the doorbell.

I've gotta go tease my
way up and down the block.

I just heard from the
women in the neighborhood

that there's a new stud in town.

Um, Al,

Kelly and I just have some
mother-daughter stuff to do.

We'll be home by dark.

What did you hear about him?

Well, they said that
he's big and strong

and good-looking.

Help me get this ring off.

Okay, what else?

That's it.

They were watching
him move a couch

into some house
across the street.

I wonder who he is.

Kelly, uh, heh-heh,

that stud used to tuck you in

when you were a baby.

They were looking
at the garbage man?

Al, it was nothing.

She was a baby. She was crying.

I was watching the soaps.

He just couldn't
stand the noise.

Kelly...

that stud is me.

You're funny,
Daddy. No, who is he?

Tell her, Peg.

Tell her who the
good-lookin' stud is

who has all the
neighborhood women

shavin' their moustaches.

It can't be.

I'm going outside.

There's gotta be
someone else out there.

What did they say about me?

Well, they said you had
the arms of a blacksmith

and the legs of a god.

Did they say anything
about my butt?

Oh. Huh?

I was bendin' over
an awful lot out there.

Did anyone notice?
Did they? Did they?

They liked it, Daddy.

Yes!

And do you know why
they liked it, pumpkin?

'Cause you played high
school football, Daddy?

'Cause I played
high school football.

It never really fades, does it?

You wanna see me in my uniform?

No.

But I bet you Bud would.

I'll just go get him.

Oh, those poor Al-starved
neighborhood women.

Hey, if lovin' me is wrong,

they don't wanna be right.

Pumpkin, can I
ask you something?

When two people are
as beautiful as we are,

is it terrible to... To
flaunt what we have?

Terrible?

It's an obligation.

A duty.

I mean, it's like belonging
to whoever wins you

in a knife fight.

Yeah.

But the important thing

is to never let them touch you.

Remember, they
will never buy the cow

if they can get
the eggs for free.

I did.

Anyway,

I'm gonna do a few push-ups

and go out there
and wash the car.

Of course, I'll need a rag.

Where are you goin'?

Where does it
look like I'm goin'?

Mr. Pudding Belly tryouts?

No, my little couch doily.

I'm gonna wash the car.

This can't be happening.

They couldn't be
talking about him.

They just couldn't.

And I don't know what
he's doing out there.

There is not a woman
to be found anywhere.

♪ Do it to them One more time ♪

♪ Oh, once is never enough ♪

♪ With a man like me ♪

♪ Whoa whoa whoa whoa
Whoa whoa whoa whoa ♪

He's back!

Look! He's washing his car!

Oops!

Looks like I got some
suds in my pants.

Al, stop that!

Mind your own business!

Oh.

I don't know what
they're lookin' at.

Have they never seen flies
circle the head of a man before?

No, it's attitude.

I mean, for example,

let's just say that
there is somebody

so unattractive in this room

that even the girl cats
won't let him pet them.

Now, how would this person...

Well, let's just call him Bub.

Get attention?

Now, he could go on using
his Daddy's credit card,

you know, calling date hotlines

and saying that he's
Señor Pablo, U.N. diplomat,

or he could learn...

Before he loses his hair
to reveal his head pimples.

That if you think you're hot,

other people will too.

Señor Pablo will
not forget this.

Should have seen it, Peg.

A million women starin' at me,

hooting and screaming.

Now I know what
the Beatles felt like.

Sweetheart, there were
three women out there:

one was 60, one was 80,

and one was older
than the tree they used

to cut for her wooden leg.

Hey, that's how Tom
Jones started, baby.

Excuse me, Mr. Bundy?

I was trying to wash my car,

but I'm just a
weak, little woman.

Would it be asking too
much for you to come over,

you know... without your shirt,

and, uh, buff my bumpers?

Hidy-hidy-hidy-ho.

Now, don't go getting your
nose hairs in an uproar.

You are not goin' anywhere.

Now, I don't know
where this sexy,

"I'm a human being"
nonsense came from,

but it's gonna stop right now.

Too late.

The fuse is lit,
and the fire is on.

Burn, baby, burn.

It's an Al inferno.

Ssss.

Marcie, I tell ya,
this is serious.

Something is going on.

He showered.

In the morning.

Now, the only time
that Al used to shower

was right after we had sex.

Immediately after.

Sometimes even during.

And you know what else?

He bought a toothbrush.

With a rubber tip.

Oh, Peggy.

I know.

I don't know what to do.

He's happy.

He smells good.

He's even making more
money at the shoe store.

And last night, when I
was rifling through his pants

to get some of
it, I found these:

Tic Tacs.

Well,

according to the
book I've just read,

Keep Him Down, Keep
Him Down, Keep Him Down:

A Woman's Guide to Happiness,

you don't really have to worry

until a man stops
buying white underwear.

The time to sweat

is when men buy
underwear in a tube.

You know, the
bright-colored ones

that fat European men
use as bathing suits.

Well, I don't have
to worry about that.

Al would never give up
his white Hanes underwear.

Size 34, three to a pack.

I know that because I
bought him a three-pack

a couple of years ago,

and he still has two
he hasn't even used yet.

Ladies.

Excuse me, I should
say, "Lovely ladies."

Hi, Al.

Shut up.

What are you doing home
in the middle of the day?

Well, I just thought I'd
freshen up with a shower

and then go back to work.

Oh, by the way,

have you seen my new underwear?

Zebra-striped.

Uh-huh.

He looks just as good
going as he does coming.

Marcie.

Sorry. I don't know
what came over me.

Peg, you gotta come up

and check me out
in my new underwear!

Oh, you can bring Marcie too!

Can we, Peggy? Can we?

A large foot? You, madam?

Oh, no.

You merely have
a full-figured foot.

Oh, you.

Tickle, tickle, tickle.

Oh, please.

Now, how many ballet
slippers can I fix you up with?

You've been so delightful,
I'll just take them all.

This is for the shoes.

Thank you.

And this

is for the cookie monster.

Oh.

Well, serving number 57.

Me! Me! Me!

I'm number 57.

Al! Al!

Take a number.

Oh, it's you.

What's shakin', babe?

Every chin in this store.

Look, honey.

I went shopping for
food. Heh-heh-heh.

And I brought you
some very special treats.

Bread and cheese.

Just picture them all nicely
laid out on a paper plate.

Oh, come home with me, honey.

Ah, sweetheart, you are a pearl,

but as you can see, I have
to be here for a long time.

I baked you a pie,

Mr. Bundy.

Well, thank you.

Ju... Put it over
there with the others.

Okay.

Anyhow, Peg, love the
bread, love the cheese,

but I got my little
shoe store gig here.

So, uh, why don't you go on
home and run me a nice, warm tub.

And, uh, oh, by the
way, lay out my, uh,

leopard underwear.

Serving number 57.

I'm number 57.

Mom, Al's not home yet.

Well, it's midnight,
and his tube is empty.

Mom, could you
try not to eat corn

while I'm talkin' to you.

Right. I'll call you
in the morning.

Gee, kids, you know, I
know I've dreamt about it,

but what would I do if your
father actually does leave?

Oh, don't worry, Mom.

I mean, you have the
skills and education to...

Well, you sit a damn fine couch.

Daddy's home! Hey, Dad!

Oh, gee, Al,

where have you been?

Oh, I was just...

walkin' around, and I, uh...

Then I stopped.

My underwear was killin' me.

Even in a mild wind,

you can freeze a
cheek in these babies.

Well, what happened, honey?

Well, this beautiful...

Very beautiful girl
came in the store...

and asked me to fly away
to the Greek islands with her.

Well, did you go, Daddy?

Yes, pumpkin, I went.

I'm sorry I didn't get a
chance to say goodbye.

Anyway, all she
wanted was a love toy.

Yeah, I know the feeling.

Oh, please.

The only feeling that you know

is Buck's fur against your cheek

on a warm summer night.

Oh, now. N-now, kids.

It was every man's fantasy:

to be kept by a woman
whose skirt is as short

as the life span of the
man that she chooses.

But I said no.

Why?

Well, because I realized

that everything I'd
been doing up to now,

the bathing, the brushing,

the changing of the socks,

the being nice to people,

the trying to succeed,

was all for nothing.

All those things are
designed to attract.

Why should I be attractive?

I'm married with children.

Mom, look at him.

What's happening?

I'm scared.

He's coming back.

My Al is coming back!

Hanes!

He's back!