Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 5, Episode 8 - Wabbit Season - full transcript

Oh, yeah.

Aw, yeah.

Excuse me, miss.

Is this man bothering you?

Bud, I warned you about
eating all that cheese.

Where are the old people?

Oh, uh...

well, Dad's down
at, uh... the store.

They're having that,
uh, midnight sale.

You know, you probably
heard it on the radio.

They keep playing that old song:



After Midnight We're
Gonna Sell A Lot Of Shoes.

Work's a bummer.

I'm glad I'm a pretty
girl, so I'll never have to.

Oh, that reminds
me, where's Mom?

Oh, uh, she went to pick him up.

We got a call. Something
about him flipping out.

♪ After midnight ♪

♪ We're gonna
sell A lot of shoes ♪

Hi, Daddy.

Hello, miss.

You wanna buy a lot of shoes?

Uh, I have shoes, Daddy.

Uh, he doesn't
recognize you, honey.

Shoes?



Come on, sweetheart.
Sit down over here.

Uh, we're home now, sweetie.

You remember.

Two kids, a dog,

a room upstairs where
you disappoint your wife.

Well, there's only one
way to snap him out of this.

That's how I like to see you.

Oh, Peg, it was horrible.

Sixteen straight hours
of shoe-selling mayhem.

Last thing I remember, I
was down on one knee,

waiting on an overflowing
glacier of a woman.

The first thing they teach you

when you're a
rookie shoe salesman

is when you got a fat one
in the chair, never look up.

I looked up, Peg.

I saw underwear.

It said, "Saturday."

So what?

Today's Wednesday!

Anyway, the next thing
I knew, I was insane.

Take a good look at
your future, rat boy.

So, honey, tell us
what the doctor said.

Well, he found two
interesting things.

Well, that's two more
than I've ever found.

I wonder where was he looking.

I'm just kidding, honey.

We really do care.

So, what did the doctor say?

Well, he said from
your home cooking,

my stomach is the
size of a quarter,

and that I suffer from stress.

Stress?

How could you get stress?

You don't do anything
but get up and go to work.

Well, maybe he got
it from a toilet seat.

It would've shown up
long before this, honey.

Stress? Al, that is ridiculous.

I mean, how in the world would
someone like you get stress?

Well, the doctor thinks
it might be the wife.

Well, very nice.

So now it's my fault

that you have a go-nowhere job

and absolutely
no ambition at all.

Why, you know, if it wasn't
for me telling you day after day

to get up, get to work, and
do something for God's sake,

you wouldn't be bringing
home the chump change

that you already are.

Stress.

Mom, don't you think that
we should be nice to Daddy,

you know, with him
being out of his, uh...

M-I-N-E-D?

Yes, honey, you're right.

It is the woman's lot in life

to always carry the man.

Always the helper,
never the helped.

So, what'd the doctor
say you should do,

you big sissy?

Well, he said I should maybe
find myself a relaxing hobby.

You know, uh, start
a vegetable garden.

A vegetable garden?

Well, you started one of
those when you had Kelly.

Hey.

I thought we were supposed
to be making fun of Dad here.

You're right, honey.

A vegetable garden.

Oh, can you see your
father in a vegetable garden?

Hey, I can see myself
in a vegetable garden.

Out in the open air,
working with the land.

You know, growin'
stuff and eatin' it.

Yep, that's what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna grow myself the
bestest vegetable garden

in the world.

I'm gonna grow me
beans and tomaters.

Potaters.

Ham... corn... uh...

I'm gonna fish... fish them
little shrimps that I like.

And... bread. Homegrown bread.

And butter.

And pizza with extra cheese.

Kids, does anyone else
sense doom around here?

♪ Dum dee-dee, dum
dee-dee Dum dee-dee ♪

♪ Vegetable garden! ♪

I think we all sense it, Mom.

♪ Dum dee-dee, dum
dee-dee Dum dee-dee ♪

♪ Dum-dum, corn ♪

Kids, soon all
this will be yourn.

Well, golly.

Hey, where'd you learn to farm
and speak like a hick, Daddy?

Well, kids, all you really need
for farmin' is the right tools,

a farmin' state of mind,

and your very own copy
of Farmer Iggy's Almanac.

Let's see what the Igster
has to say this morning.

"Plant in the mornin',
vegetables a-bornin'."

Thanks a lot, Mom.

Keen choice o' dads.

Look, Peg.

The corn is as high
as an elephant's eye.

Oh, honey, I couldn't
be prouder of you

if you thought you
were Napoleon.

Come, look at my beans, Peg.

Been a long time since you
seen a bean that size, eh, babe?

Yeah, you sure know
how to grow 'em, honey.

Soon we will have
a bountiful harvest,

and you'll be cookin',
a-cannin' and a-servin'.

And I'll be eatin',
a-belchin' and a-purgin'.

Yep, it's been a long time

since we've been
this happy, eh, babe?

Want a cheek of Redman?

You're still not well, are you?

Not by a long shot.

But I'm happy.

Now get thee in
the house, woman.

As farmer Iggy says,

"Wife standin' near,
soon comes a tear."

Well, I thought
she'd never leave.

Now it's just you
and me, hey, guys?

♪ Old McBundy had a farm ♪

♪ B-U-N-D-Y ♪

♪ And on this farm
There was no wife ♪

♪ B-U-N-D-Y ♪

♪ With a no wife here
And a no kids there ♪

♪ A hooker comin'
over On Friday nights ♪

♪ Big luscious hooters And
a pizza and a beer there ♪

♪ Old McBundy had a farm ♪

♪ B-U-N-D-Y ♪

I never felt so relaxed.

Hey.

Rabbit, give me back my carrots!

Ow!

Bite me, will you?

Well, listen to this, buddy.

No one bites Al Bundy and lives.

Kiss your bonnie, bunny
butt goodbye, rabbit...

'cause you're one dead...

Peg, he peed on me!

Hey, Kel, did you
hear about Billy's dad?

He just made vice
president of his company.

Hey, Bud, did you
know that Holly's dad,

after many long years of work,

started his own company?

Well, this must be the year
of the successful dad, ha.

Let's see how yours is doing.

Let's see if you can swim
as well as you can steal,

you bucktoothed bandit.

Is he not successful too,
who foams from the mouth

and lies sputtering
on the ground?

Gardening has calmed me down,

and you just can't
stand it, can ya?

Well, you'll be cheering me

when this bunny
comes floating belly-up.

Yeah, you'll be
a real hero, Dad.

We can hear 'em singing now:

"Killed him a bunny
when he was 43."

No rabbit's foot
for you, young lady.

Dad, you've had the
hose on for four hours now,

and the ground isn't even wet.

Where's all that water going?

How the hell should I
know where it's going?

I don't even know
where it's coming from

when it comes out of the hose.

I just... I just wish
I could go with it.

Shh! I hear some
squishing sounds.

Oh!

What did you do?

Gee, Marcie, what
happened to you?

What happened to me?

I finally got a date.

A successful man.
A handsome man.

Sure, he was married,
but he was gonna leave her.

He told me so.

He told me his wife
didn't understand him.

Like, what's so
hard to understand

about a 40-year-old man

who likes to be
spanked for his sins?

Anyway, we get back to my house,

I open the door, and step
into my living-room pond.

It seems that some idiot
stuck a hose in the ground

and left the water on all day.

So I was wondering,

have you seen an idiot
with a hose anywhere?

Hey, Marcie, you've
given me a good idea.

Bring your head
over here by the hole.

He'll think it's a cabbage,
and then we'll have him.

Look, Al, we all appreciate
the fact that you're insane

and that you need
a relaxing hobby,

but maybe this gardening
thing is just a little too challenging

at this point in your life.

Have you tried Silly
Putty on the comics page?

He has. He just couldn't
get the egg open.

Oh. Well.

I will be sending you
a bill for the damage.

And if you do not pay,

I will sue you for
everything you've got,

and that includes
my garbage cans.

Great. That leaves us
with nothing in the will.

Well, I guess we're just
gonna have to make it

on our good looks.

See you on skid row, bacon face.

We're all getting cranky, Al.

Did you get that rabbit yet?

Are you kiddin' me?

I must have poured a million
gallons of water down that hole.

I flooded the whole block
and every living thing in it.

Now, if that
rabbit's still alive,

I'm yours tonight.

You know, the sad part is, I...

I don't really want him. Hm.

But a promise is a promise.

Now look what you've done!

You'll be screaming worse
than me, I'm telling you!

I'll get you for this!

I'll make you pay for
this, I'm telling you...!

Okay, I'm all through
with the poison now.

You can take off your masks.

Um, not you, Peg. Uh,
yours wasn't working anyway.

Bud, Dad said that you
could take your mask off.

Eat Dad's okra.

Lick his onions.

Kids!

Kids, let's not forget that
Daddy is the enemy here.

There, now, that's better.

Honey, do you think it's wise

to indiscriminately spray
poison on a windy day?

Peg, if you wanna
make a rabbit omelet,

sometimes you gotta
break some eggs.

But don't worry about it.

I read the directions
very carefully.

It's nontoxic to
everything but rabbits.

Hi there.

Anyone been spraying poison?

Why do you ask?

Well, there I was,
out in our backyard,

you know, drying my
TV from the flooding,

when a bald eagle came
to drink from my bird feeder.

Wow. We haven't had a bald
eagle spotted in this area for years.

I know. They're very
rare and beautiful,

except when they're twitching
and hacking their guts out

on my lawn.

You really should have seen it.

It was quite an
excruciating death.

Way to go, Al.

Why don't you throw one
of your socks out the window

and try for the last dodo?

Well, I like to think that
I'm the last dodo, Peg.

But more importantly, I'm
gonna have some vegetables,

'cause there's no
way in the world

that rabbit could have have
survived that death cloud

I let loose on the neighborhood.

It lives.

Okay, fine.

I didn't ask for a hobby.

I hate vegetables.

But I need that garden to
relieve my stress, damn it!

And I will have that garden

if I have to kill every
single living thing

in this entire, stinking planet.

This is war.

Al, what are you doing?

Be vewy, vewy quiet.

I'm huntin' wabbit.

Oh, boy.

Daddy, let me give
you some advice.

Um, I've been watching these
television show about rabbits.

Don't put the barrel of
the gun down the hole,

because what they do

is they'll tie it in a knot

so that it explodes
in your face.

Or sometimes what they'll do

is they'll make it
really long and curved

so that it comes out
from a hole behind you,

and you shoot
yourself in the butt.

To be forewarned
is to have four arms.

Well, Princeton's
loss is The Gap's gain.

Oh, Mr. Wabbit!

Come and get a tasty cawwot!

Well, at least he didn't
shoot himself in the foot.

Hmph. Give him a minute.

Ah! Ow, my foot!

What's he doing now?

Well, he's got the flamethrower.

He's aiming it at the hole.

He shoots...

and misses.

Garden on fire?

Yup.

And so is Mrs. Rhoades' fence.

Whoa! Look at her big tree go.

Well, at least he didn't
shoot himself in the foot.

Hmph. Give him a minute.

Ow, my foot! Ow, my... Ow!

Oh, fire! Ow, my foot!

Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh!

So this is how it ends, eh, Mom?

As long as it ends.

Daddy?

What?

Nothing.

Good.

Now, I put this
down his little hole,

and I light the fuse,

and bye-bye rabbit.

The fuse is lit,

and we'll be hit by bunny
bits any second now.

Now do you see the
importance of an education, kids?

Uh, Dad...

before your
fingers hit pay dirt,

are you sure you didn't
use too much dynamite?

Son, if dynamite was dangerous,

do you think they'd
sell it to an idiot like me?

Now, nothing can go wrong.

I've taken every precaution.

Including making sure it
was nowhere near a gas line?

Hit the dirt.

You know, it's
such a beautiful day.

I hardly miss the house at all.

It was a nice
explosion, wasn't it?

But on the good side,

the ensuing fire did
dry out my living room.

But the sun would
have done that anyway,

since I no longer have a roof.

Well, that's odd. We have two.

Yeah, one for each
wall in my room.

Nobody's asked
me how my stress is.

Oh, we're sorry.

How's your stress,
lint-for-brains?

I'm mellow.

You know why?

You don't see a
rabbit out here, do you?

Sure don't, honey.

You did real good.

That's all I wanted to hear.

You know, I really feel good.

Carrot?

That's Al, folks.