Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 5, Episode 7 - Married... with Aliens - full transcript
After Al returns home from work with a bump on the head, he sees (or thinks he sees) six little green aliens coming down to Earth and stealing his smelly socks to use as fuel for their spaceships. The only problem is no one sees them but Al, so everyone think's he's crazy when he tells others that he saw them.
Yeah, well, I'm not goin'.
Me neither.
Daddy doesn't like
me driving his car.
Well, I'm not going.
He's your husband.
You should pick him up.
Kids, we have
been arguing like this
ever since your father called
and said he had a bad fall
and hurt his head.
Now, one of us
has gotta go get him.
Any volunteers?
Well, I can wait
as long as you can.
Hi, honey.
We were just deciding who
was gonna go and pick you up.
Why didn't you use the method
you used on our wedding day?
You know, have a couple of
uncles baseball-bat my knees,
throw me in the
trunk of the car.
Or were they stuck
in Wanker County,
where, as Einstein would
put it, everyone's relative?
You kids see why I
didn't wanna pick him up?
How was I injured, you ask?
Well, there I was,
sloshing through the
mall's wishing pond,
looking for change.
I spotted a quarter way far out.
Why can't they just make a
wish and drop the quarter, huh?
Why do they gotta
whip it way out there?
Well, I guess they think
that dreams really come true
the closer you get to the drain.
Anyhow,
this quarter was
just within my reach,
when I slipped on
some wishing pond slime
and took a header right
into the granite statue
of the goddess of the malls.
Half-offeus.
Kids, you almost
lost your daddy.
Well, did you get the quarter?
No.
It was a pull-tab
from a beer can.
Poor Al.
After such a trying
night, you must be hungry.
Yes, Peg, I am hungry.
Very hungry.
Well, good night.
Good night, sweetheart.
Peg.
Peg.
Peg, I can't sleep.
I keep thinking of all
those dimes and nickels
that I passed over
to get to that beer tab.
It's so typical of my life.
I was just this
close to that quarter.
God, my head hurts.
Well, honey, maybe next
time you'll wear a helmet
before you go a-coinin'.
Now, good night.
You know, uh, what
would feel good?
A nice ice pack.
Al,
you always do this.
You get the
slightest little injury,
and you get all whiny.
You know, like last summer
when you were changing the tires
and the car fell on you?
Boy, I really got a
lot of sleep that night.
"I can't feel my legs.
I can't feel my legs."
You are such a baby sometimes.
Now, just go to sleep.
Some of us feel okay.
Oh, I can't sleep,
honey. Rub my tushy.
Yep, once a mighty athlete.
Oh, Peg, look. Look.
There's nothing there, Al.
Now, go to sleep.
Peg! Peg!
Peg...
three little green
aliens came in here,
and they...
They stole my sock.
Honey, were they green before
or after they touched your sock?
No, Peg. They stole my
sock. It really happened.
Oh, Al, sweetheart, you
banged your head tonight.
You are having an hallucination.
You were probably seriously hurt
and need medical attention.
Now, go to sleep.
Ooh, baby!
Well, one of us has got to
go get Daddy at the doctor.
Don't look at me.
I didn't marry him.
Well, I barely know the man.
Oh, hi, honey.
We were just deciding
who was gonna go...
Well, don't bother. I'm home.
You know, it's funny.
After a couple hours,
I realized you weren't
gonna pick me up,
so I thought, well, you know,
I'm dizzy and my head hurts.
What better time
to take the bus.
So after five transfers
and a quick jaunt
through gang country,
where, uh... Where
we stopped briefly
so all the white males could
be singled out and beaten,
I'm home at last.
Did you bring us a TV Guide?
Yeah! Gimme.
What did the
doctor say, you ask?
Well, don't worry.
Though it looks bad
and might have killed me,
it's just a painful,
nasty bruise.
Anybody, uh...
Anybody like to see it?
"Cheers & Jeers."
Do the crossword.
Anybody call?
Yeah.
The Loch Ness
monster and Bigfoot
wanted to know if you were
still on for poker tomorrow night
over at Darth Vader's house.
The, uh... The Klingons
are bringing the chips.
Thank you, Peg.
Must you tell them everything
that goes on in the bedroom?
One thing happens in five years,
and I'm not supposed
to talk about it?
Honey, Cop Rock's on tonight,
so we're going to the movies.
Come on, kids.
We're just gonna
go pick up Marcie.
And, honey, we
may be a little bit late.
It seems the octopus people
have run amuck downtown,
and you know what
that does to traffic.
Uh, Dad,
if there's any trouble,
blow on this ring.
The alien police will
come and save you.
What the hell are
you looking at?
Oh, I guess maybe I
didn't really see 'em,
'cause if a great dog like you
didn't sense their
presence and bark,
well, then... I must
be going crazy.
Oh, this is okay.
See, I...
I've had a... A head injury.
You're not really here.
Nope.
I don't see any...
Anyone at all.
Help me.
M-moon men have my socks.
Over.
Al!
Al!
Well, guess he's not home.
Well, he couldn't be far.
The stench of
failure is still in the air.
Kids, I think you better
go upstairs and pack a bag.
Your father may be going away.
I just know he's gonna linger
on and eat away at our savings.
Come on out of
there, sweetheart.
Come on. Come on.
Boo!
Well, now look what you've done.
Oh, he sells shoes.
What's the difference?
Come on, sweetheart.
Marcie just did that
because she loves you.
No. I did it because he calls
me Sergeant Carter-Hair.
Oh.
Come on, honey.
Come on over here
and sit on the couch.
And tell us what happened.
No.
You'll laugh at me.
We won't laugh at you.
Well, the...
The moon men came
back and took my socks.
Oh.
Isn't it funny how
UFOs always visit idiots?
Well, I guess they went
up to the last idiot and said:
"Take us to your leader."
Look, you gotta believe me.
They came in here, and
they took the socks off my feet.
Then they measured my head.
Then they went through
the laundry basket
and took the socks out of that.
Does that sound like
the ramblings of an idiot?
Ask Buck. He was here.
Ask Buck?
Okay.
Uh, Buck,
honey...
why don't you tell us
what you and Daddy saw.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Well, he says he can
vouch for five aliens,
but, you know, he's
nothing without his calculator.
We're sorry, Al.
We shouldn't have doubted you.
You know, UFO Digest has
pledged to pay one million dollars
to anyone with real proof
of aliens having visited.
And with your dog's testimony
and your standing
in the community,
why, that million's
as good as yours.
All right, laugh if you will,
but answer me this:
If there weren't any aliens,
how do you explain these?
Well, if we were in Russia,
I'd say Chernobyl.
Al.
Honey, when you
fell into that pond,
just exactly how long
were you underwater?
Peg, haven't you learned yet
that nothing reveals
itself in this bedroom
when you're talking?
You know, honey,
you've been sitting there
for three hours doing nothing.
If you're gonna do that,
why don't you get a
job at the post office.
Come on, boys.
Get me out of here.
Get off me, Buck.
Ah, they're not comin'.
I give up.
They have to be used, huh?
Of course. The
other ones were new.
You, uh...
You guys mind if I
take your picture?
Say, "Millions."
♪ Kumbaya, my Lord ♪
♪ Kumbaya ♪
Go...
alien!
Guys, just one more thing.
You sure you don't
want the redhead
for your intergalactic zoo?
I don't blame you.
Well,
live long and prosper.
I know I will.
I'm rich!
Ah, ha-ha! I'm
gonna get the millions!
Did the aliens come, honey?
Huh?
Um...
no.
Well, you woke me up.
Rub my tushy.
Rub it yourself.
♪ Day-o ♪
♪ Day-day-ay-ay-o ♪
♪ Pictures come
And I never go home ♪
♪ Pictures come
And I never go home ♪
♪ One blond, two blonds ♪
♪ Three blonds Ah! ♪
♪ Pictures come
And I never go home ♪
Hey, Mr. Tallyman,
we don't need the whole song.
May I help you?
Give me my pictures.
I got planes to
catch, cars to buy
and families to leave.
Name?
Bundy. But it'll soon change.
Give me my pictures.
Bundy... Bundy...
Is that Al Bundy, 36
exposures, 1600 ISO?
Yes! Yes!
Uh-oh.
What?
You know, this has only
happened one other time
since we've been
at this location.
What happened?
Well, do you know anything
about film developing?
No.
Well, neither do we.
But we learn as we go.
Today we learned that
when the machine jams,
you don't use a flashlight
around negatives.
Were they anything important?
When's your court date, Al?
Thursday.
Congratulations.
It's not every day a
Bundy gets arrested
for assaulting a
Photorama clerk.
Of course, you
were in the right.
I mean, he did lose your
photos of those little green guys.
That's right. Play
with the piranha.
Honey, I'm gonna
go see your lawyer.
He may not realize
that a previous judge
already declared
you legally stupid.
It may help your defense.
What are you lookin' at?
You know they were
real. You were here.
If you could talk, you'd
back me up, wouldn't you?
Yeah, right.
Mad men they lock up.
Mad dogs they shoot.
Of course.
You guys came to see
the pictures, didn't you?
Well, the Photorama
guy lost them.
Oh, nah, nah. No more pictures.
No. I... I broke my camera
over some guy's head.
You guys,
there's something you
gotta know about me.
Even if I took more
pictures of you,
it wouldn't come out right.
Everything I do is wrong.
Nothing I do seems to matter.
I don't know. I try, but it
just seems like Al Bundy
wasn't meant to count.
You want my socks.
Would you guys mind
coming on Geraldo with me?
Gotta go, huh?
I understand.
All right.
Oh, guys, just one more thing.
Why my socks?
Mizoozoo.
Mizoozoo.
Al Bundy.
Me neither.
Daddy doesn't like
me driving his car.
Well, I'm not going.
He's your husband.
You should pick him up.
Kids, we have
been arguing like this
ever since your father called
and said he had a bad fall
and hurt his head.
Now, one of us
has gotta go get him.
Any volunteers?
Well, I can wait
as long as you can.
Hi, honey.
We were just deciding who
was gonna go and pick you up.
Why didn't you use the method
you used on our wedding day?
You know, have a couple of
uncles baseball-bat my knees,
throw me in the
trunk of the car.
Or were they stuck
in Wanker County,
where, as Einstein would
put it, everyone's relative?
You kids see why I
didn't wanna pick him up?
How was I injured, you ask?
Well, there I was,
sloshing through the
mall's wishing pond,
looking for change.
I spotted a quarter way far out.
Why can't they just make a
wish and drop the quarter, huh?
Why do they gotta
whip it way out there?
Well, I guess they think
that dreams really come true
the closer you get to the drain.
Anyhow,
this quarter was
just within my reach,
when I slipped on
some wishing pond slime
and took a header right
into the granite statue
of the goddess of the malls.
Half-offeus.
Kids, you almost
lost your daddy.
Well, did you get the quarter?
No.
It was a pull-tab
from a beer can.
Poor Al.
After such a trying
night, you must be hungry.
Yes, Peg, I am hungry.
Very hungry.
Well, good night.
Good night, sweetheart.
Peg.
Peg.
Peg, I can't sleep.
I keep thinking of all
those dimes and nickels
that I passed over
to get to that beer tab.
It's so typical of my life.
I was just this
close to that quarter.
God, my head hurts.
Well, honey, maybe next
time you'll wear a helmet
before you go a-coinin'.
Now, good night.
You know, uh, what
would feel good?
A nice ice pack.
Al,
you always do this.
You get the
slightest little injury,
and you get all whiny.
You know, like last summer
when you were changing the tires
and the car fell on you?
Boy, I really got a
lot of sleep that night.
"I can't feel my legs.
I can't feel my legs."
You are such a baby sometimes.
Now, just go to sleep.
Some of us feel okay.
Oh, I can't sleep,
honey. Rub my tushy.
Yep, once a mighty athlete.
Oh, Peg, look. Look.
There's nothing there, Al.
Now, go to sleep.
Peg! Peg!
Peg...
three little green
aliens came in here,
and they...
They stole my sock.
Honey, were they green before
or after they touched your sock?
No, Peg. They stole my
sock. It really happened.
Oh, Al, sweetheart, you
banged your head tonight.
You are having an hallucination.
You were probably seriously hurt
and need medical attention.
Now, go to sleep.
Ooh, baby!
Well, one of us has got to
go get Daddy at the doctor.
Don't look at me.
I didn't marry him.
Well, I barely know the man.
Oh, hi, honey.
We were just deciding
who was gonna go...
Well, don't bother. I'm home.
You know, it's funny.
After a couple hours,
I realized you weren't
gonna pick me up,
so I thought, well, you know,
I'm dizzy and my head hurts.
What better time
to take the bus.
So after five transfers
and a quick jaunt
through gang country,
where, uh... Where
we stopped briefly
so all the white males could
be singled out and beaten,
I'm home at last.
Did you bring us a TV Guide?
Yeah! Gimme.
What did the
doctor say, you ask?
Well, don't worry.
Though it looks bad
and might have killed me,
it's just a painful,
nasty bruise.
Anybody, uh...
Anybody like to see it?
"Cheers & Jeers."
Do the crossword.
Anybody call?
Yeah.
The Loch Ness
monster and Bigfoot
wanted to know if you were
still on for poker tomorrow night
over at Darth Vader's house.
The, uh... The Klingons
are bringing the chips.
Thank you, Peg.
Must you tell them everything
that goes on in the bedroom?
One thing happens in five years,
and I'm not supposed
to talk about it?
Honey, Cop Rock's on tonight,
so we're going to the movies.
Come on, kids.
We're just gonna
go pick up Marcie.
And, honey, we
may be a little bit late.
It seems the octopus people
have run amuck downtown,
and you know what
that does to traffic.
Uh, Dad,
if there's any trouble,
blow on this ring.
The alien police will
come and save you.
What the hell are
you looking at?
Oh, I guess maybe I
didn't really see 'em,
'cause if a great dog like you
didn't sense their
presence and bark,
well, then... I must
be going crazy.
Oh, this is okay.
See, I...
I've had a... A head injury.
You're not really here.
Nope.
I don't see any...
Anyone at all.
Help me.
M-moon men have my socks.
Over.
Al!
Al!
Well, guess he's not home.
Well, he couldn't be far.
The stench of
failure is still in the air.
Kids, I think you better
go upstairs and pack a bag.
Your father may be going away.
I just know he's gonna linger
on and eat away at our savings.
Come on out of
there, sweetheart.
Come on. Come on.
Boo!
Well, now look what you've done.
Oh, he sells shoes.
What's the difference?
Come on, sweetheart.
Marcie just did that
because she loves you.
No. I did it because he calls
me Sergeant Carter-Hair.
Oh.
Come on, honey.
Come on over here
and sit on the couch.
And tell us what happened.
No.
You'll laugh at me.
We won't laugh at you.
Well, the...
The moon men came
back and took my socks.
Oh.
Isn't it funny how
UFOs always visit idiots?
Well, I guess they went
up to the last idiot and said:
"Take us to your leader."
Look, you gotta believe me.
They came in here, and
they took the socks off my feet.
Then they measured my head.
Then they went through
the laundry basket
and took the socks out of that.
Does that sound like
the ramblings of an idiot?
Ask Buck. He was here.
Ask Buck?
Okay.
Uh, Buck,
honey...
why don't you tell us
what you and Daddy saw.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Well, he says he can
vouch for five aliens,
but, you know, he's
nothing without his calculator.
We're sorry, Al.
We shouldn't have doubted you.
You know, UFO Digest has
pledged to pay one million dollars
to anyone with real proof
of aliens having visited.
And with your dog's testimony
and your standing
in the community,
why, that million's
as good as yours.
All right, laugh if you will,
but answer me this:
If there weren't any aliens,
how do you explain these?
Well, if we were in Russia,
I'd say Chernobyl.
Al.
Honey, when you
fell into that pond,
just exactly how long
were you underwater?
Peg, haven't you learned yet
that nothing reveals
itself in this bedroom
when you're talking?
You know, honey,
you've been sitting there
for three hours doing nothing.
If you're gonna do that,
why don't you get a
job at the post office.
Come on, boys.
Get me out of here.
Get off me, Buck.
Ah, they're not comin'.
I give up.
They have to be used, huh?
Of course. The
other ones were new.
You, uh...
You guys mind if I
take your picture?
Say, "Millions."
♪ Kumbaya, my Lord ♪
♪ Kumbaya ♪
Go...
alien!
Guys, just one more thing.
You sure you don't
want the redhead
for your intergalactic zoo?
I don't blame you.
Well,
live long and prosper.
I know I will.
I'm rich!
Ah, ha-ha! I'm
gonna get the millions!
Did the aliens come, honey?
Huh?
Um...
no.
Well, you woke me up.
Rub my tushy.
Rub it yourself.
♪ Day-o ♪
♪ Day-day-ay-ay-o ♪
♪ Pictures come
And I never go home ♪
♪ Pictures come
And I never go home ♪
♪ One blond, two blonds ♪
♪ Three blonds Ah! ♪
♪ Pictures come
And I never go home ♪
Hey, Mr. Tallyman,
we don't need the whole song.
May I help you?
Give me my pictures.
I got planes to
catch, cars to buy
and families to leave.
Name?
Bundy. But it'll soon change.
Give me my pictures.
Bundy... Bundy...
Is that Al Bundy, 36
exposures, 1600 ISO?
Yes! Yes!
Uh-oh.
What?
You know, this has only
happened one other time
since we've been
at this location.
What happened?
Well, do you know anything
about film developing?
No.
Well, neither do we.
But we learn as we go.
Today we learned that
when the machine jams,
you don't use a flashlight
around negatives.
Were they anything important?
When's your court date, Al?
Thursday.
Congratulations.
It's not every day a
Bundy gets arrested
for assaulting a
Photorama clerk.
Of course, you
were in the right.
I mean, he did lose your
photos of those little green guys.
That's right. Play
with the piranha.
Honey, I'm gonna
go see your lawyer.
He may not realize
that a previous judge
already declared
you legally stupid.
It may help your defense.
What are you lookin' at?
You know they were
real. You were here.
If you could talk, you'd
back me up, wouldn't you?
Yeah, right.
Mad men they lock up.
Mad dogs they shoot.
Of course.
You guys came to see
the pictures, didn't you?
Well, the Photorama
guy lost them.
Oh, nah, nah. No more pictures.
No. I... I broke my camera
over some guy's head.
You guys,
there's something you
gotta know about me.
Even if I took more
pictures of you,
it wouldn't come out right.
Everything I do is wrong.
Nothing I do seems to matter.
I don't know. I try, but it
just seems like Al Bundy
wasn't meant to count.
You want my socks.
Would you guys mind
coming on Geraldo with me?
Gotta go, huh?
I understand.
All right.
Oh, guys, just one more thing.
Why my socks?
Mizoozoo.
Mizoozoo.
Al Bundy.