Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 5, Episode 25 - Buck the Stud - full transcript

A man offers the Bundy's $10,000 if Buck will breed with his champion dog, Lady Bird. So, Al has to coach Buck into knowing the varieties of breeding with other dogs the proper way. But ...

Come on, Al.

Is that the best you can do?

Peg, I can't concentrate

if you're gonna keep
shouting instructions.

Not like that, you moron.

Who taught you
to do this, anyway?

All right, that's it. I quit.

Haven't we done
enough for one day?

Oh, all right.

At least ya did something.

I'm sick of spending my
day-off scooping doodie.



Damn dog.

Why can't he use Marcie's
yard like everybody else?

Well, here's another "why"
for you to ponder, honey.

Why'd you bring the
doodie in the house?

Heh-heh-heh.

For the fun part, Peg.

Watch this.

Yow!

Sorry, ma'am.

I hit a power-walker, Peg.

She's coming in.

Oh, whoa!

Come on, Bud.

My assignment
for modeling school



is to take a total
wreck of a human,

a complete fashion frog,

and do a makeover.

Please, I need an absolute zero,

and everyone says
that you'd be perfect.

Now, I have carefully
crafted my look over the years

into the finely-honed babe
train you see before you.

To look at me, is to love me.

Sometimes love's
a hurtin' thing.

I am not like the
other girls you know.

I don't wanna change
your face or your body

or your odious personality.

Just give me a
shot at your clothes.

And what is wrong
with my clothes, Kel?

Nothing, Yoda.

If you're referring
to the jacket,

the salesgirl said Kevin
Costner swears by these jackets.

And it is not a Yoda jacket.

If it was, it wouldn't
have been up on the rack

next to the Dick
Tracy raincoats.

Oh, God.

I'm dressed like
an action figure.

Kel, help me.
Shoot me. Dress me.

There, there, Ewok.

Just trust me.

When I'm through with you,

the only laughter
that you're gonna hear

is when you're
out of your clothes.

Oh, Al. Take me again.

I didn't even know I
was taking you then.

I tripped on a box,

and then I thought
the furnace fell on me.

Probably God, personally
delivering a plague.

Excuse me.

Is this magnificent beast yours?

Yes, but she's very expensive.

Uh, no.

No, I meant the dog.

I don't know that dog. Not ours.

We chased it off the lawn. Oh.

If you could tell me
whom he belongs to,

it might be worth
$10,000 to the owner.

Ah, look, Peg.

That's our beloved family pet.

I'm interested in using
your dog as a stud.

Well, let me... Let
me ask the dog.

What do you say, boy?

Well, he's not the most
attractive man in the world,

but he's got a kind face.

Don't you think you could
maybe do something...?

It's not for me, you nitwit.

It's for my dog.

Oh, uh...

For your dog. Yeah.

Uh...

Peg, why don't you go
upstairs and get Buck's jacket

and his little collar, you
know, his... His evening collar.

Yeah, and maybe I
better throw in his muzzle.

We wouldn't want the
other dog to get his hand bit.

Perhaps I should explain.

Uh, perhaps you
should do it from there.

I am the proud owner
of grand champion

Astoria's Lady of Marseilles.

Winner of the best of breed,

Edinburgh
International Dog Show.

I believe she is
the best briard bitch

on the circuit today.

And I'd want to mate
her with your dog,

whose fine bones I
couldn't help but notice

as he, um, fell down when
he lifted his leg to pee.

Well, that can happen to a guy.

Many's the time
my leg falls asleep,

before you know it,
whoop, you're on your side.

Spare us, Al.

Relive some old
football memories

in your head or something.

I'm gonna talk to this man.

So how do we get that 10 thou?

By breeding your
champion with mine.

I'll fly her in from Munich,

and upon successful breeding,

I will pay the stud
fee of $10,000.

Here's my card.

Call me to arrange a date.

Oh, and by the way,

my Astoria is a
very discerning dog.

So, for God's sakes,

please, brush your dog's teeth.

Oh!

Did you hear that, Al?

Wake up, Gipper.

Look at him, Al.

Our home finally
has a breadwinner.

And he's a good boy too.

He's a good little boy. You're
gonna get a lot of money.

Yes, you are. I was
All City, you know, boy.

God, what is taking him so long?

Bud, come down here,

the girls from my
class are waiting.

I'm not ready.

Relax, Kel.

What do you care
about your grade?

You're getting a cut of $10,000

from your dog anyway.

Yeah, but I'm probably

gonna have to put that
away for my old age.

You know the big
two-five is not so far away.

I'm ready.

Okay. Now, we all remember
what Bud looked like before, right?

Sick. Ew. Ew.

Okay, yeah, well,
hold that thought

while I introduce you
to the new Bud light.

Budrick?

What do you think, ladies?

Early James Dean or
the bride of Leavenworth?

Well, you'll notice
how the attention

has been subtly diverted
from the danger area,

his face,

by the hat and the
plunging neckline.

Which, if he had a chest,
would now be exposed.

Kelly, you're gonna
get an A for sure.

I'm gonna go change

and hang myself
in the shower now.

Oh, please, not yet.

Wouldn't you like
to go to the movies

or my dad's condo?

Hey!

I was gonna ask.

I always liked him.

Well, then wait till
I'm through with him.

Thank you, ladies,

but the entertainment
is over for the day.

The clown must rest.

I don't believe any
of you for a second.

Well, would you believe this?

Well, how 'bout this?

He's mine. He's mine.

I saw him first when
he came down the stairs.

Please! I'm better
friends with Kelly than you.

He was looking at
me. He was looking at...

Ladies, ladies, ladies.

Now, we're all adults here.

There's plenty of
room on this body

for all of your hands.

Uh, Kel.

Tell Mom I'll be home
in a couple of days

and to buy some food,

'cause I think I'm
gonna be hungry.

Mother.

Father.

Hey, how did Buck do?

Did he and the girl
dog consummate?

Well, not exactly.

Buck got this really
confused look on his face,

like he had no idea what to do.

I know that look well.

If I've seen it once,

I've seen it once
every three months.

Now, Peg, there's
$10,000 at stake here.

Not nearly enough for
what I'm about to do,

but if you want to get rich,

sometimes you have to get dirty.

Peg, let's go upstairs.

I want Buck to
learn from the best.

Come on, Buck!

Come on, boy!

Come here, boy.

Gee, Al. Come here, boy.

You were magnificent.

Where does he get it from?

You know, I don't think
I've ever seen a dog

try to cover his eyes
with his paws before.

Well, that's what I
don't understand, Peg.

If he could copy that from me,

why couldn't he copy the rest?

Well, he does change
his underwear and socks

as often as you do.

She's just kidding, boy.

She knows as well as we
do that the man is the king.

What are you doing?

We're trying to make
him wanna have sex.

Isn't that a good boy?

The man is the king.

He loves me till I scream,

"Oh, baby. Oh,
baby. Please stop."

Hey, here's a proud
beauty, eh, boy?

Legs that won't quit.

Quite a saucy
little lilt to the tail.

Look at that come-hither
look on her snout.

Now, what I would
do if I were you,

next time you hop that briard,

I'd just close my eyes

and pretend I was
Bundyfying a poodle.

Listen to him, Buck.

He satisfied me.

Look how happy I am.

Gee, Al.

Nice to see you
down on all fours,

like your forefathers.

Next, perhaps you could
point to a wheel and say,

"Me no understand wheel thing.

Wanna buy some shoes?"

Well, it... It looks
like something

that come from the
Colonel, all right, but the, uh...

But the, uh... The
legs are picked clean,

a-and I don't see any breasts.

That was a good one, eh, boy?

Well, from where I stand,

the brain has been picked clean,

and I can't find any hair.

So, what's he doing,

regaling Buck with his
high school football stories?

Ha! Buck's heard all of
those a thousand times.

Don't you two people understand
that what this dog needs to see

is a strong, undisputed
male role model.

Ah, Gigi's home.

Thank you, ladies,

but I think I can make it
the rest of the way myself.

Ah!

To be young again.

Buck, make sure no
harm comes to the ladies.

Uh, son,

those were girls
you were with, right?

They're women now.

Now, look, son, I
didn't say anything

when you were, you know,

lilac-ing around the
house the other day, or...

Or yesterday when you
were wearing that skirt.

Kilt, Dad.

Sure, son.

But tell me something, Bud.

Y-you will be playing
baseball again, won't you?

Hey, Mom, Dad.

Did Bud tell you yet?

Well, not in so many words,

but we're not blind.

Not that.

I got an A for making him over.

There was some
stiff competition too.

This one girl brought in a chimp

who was wearing a baseball cap
and a pair of polka-dot speedos.

But I got the A
because my teacher said

that I had less raw
material to work with.

Well, human-for-a-day,
the assignment's over.

I gotta get these clothes
back to La Petite Poof.

No way, meals-on-heels.

I'm floatin' on an
ocean o' babes,

and I needs my fishnets.

Do you realize that it costs
me $25 a day to rent this stuff?

Well, that's more than
it costs to rent you.

Hi, Kelly.

Hi, Kelly.

Ah, come on... Don't worry, Al.

He's just rebelling.

I did it myself for a while.

'Course, I just drank...

Drank beer and
smoked cigarettes.

But then I wasn't rebelling
against heterosexuality.

You know, speaking of which,

I think you've got a
problem with your dog.

Oh, we know all about it.

Neither he nor his
master can perform.

Oh, well, I can't speak for Al.

The satisfied look on
Peggy's face does that.

But your dog is a
veritable windmill

out on my yard with every
dog in the neighborhood,

even the Hendersons' lawn elf.

He's out there every day.

You see, Peg, that's
this trouble with the briard.

He's exhausted!

Well, I'll put a stop to this.

Oh, gee. This should
be worth watching.

'Cause I don't think it's wise

for Al to try and break
up a tryst between Buck

and what appears to
be a very large rottweiler

with a spike collar.

Hey! Hey, not there!

Not th... Hey, watch it now!

Well, Buck's been locked
down in the basement

for two weeks now.

With absolutely no
female contact whatsoever.

God, how I envy him.

Watch this, Peg.

Buck!

Lady briard!

Lassie!

Nancy Reagan!

See, that's why I never
believed that Sinatra story.

Let's get him back
in the mood again.

Buck!

Mommy's shoes!

I'd say he's ready.

Honey, are you sure you
should be going out so soon?

I mean, the lockjaw
just cleared up.

Come on.

Here he is, Peg.

Looking unintelligent as ever.

But I'll tell ya, from the
looks of my Playboys

he shredded down there,

I'll say he's ready to rock
to the tune of 10 grand.

Come on. There we go. Come on.

Well, Al, be careful.

I heard that the McGinty"
poodle was in heat.

Heel, boy!

Heel! Heel! Oh, whoa, heel!

Oh, and you know,

so is the Ritter's Irish setter

right across the street.

You're killing me, boy!

Killing me, boy!

And also the Finleys'
beagle behind our house.

Hey now, Buck! Hey now, Buck!

Hey! Ah! Oh!

Yep, I used to play hockey,

and I was great.

Then I said to myself,

"Bud, you're an artist,
and very handsome.

"Why would you let your
violent side take over?

If you must swing a stick,
swing a stick for love."

That's beautiful.

Take me.

Well, it's been a
while since, uh...

Well, it's been a while

since your daddy took
Buck to do the deed.

That 10,000 bucks
should be on the way.

Well, that's good, Mom,

'cause I'm running low on lamè.

Did they reinstitute
the draft or something?

He's here!

We're rich! Yes!

Oh, Al, gimme that check.

Honey, this isn't a
check for $10,000.

This is a bill for $10,000.

If you look closer,

you'll see it's a
bill for $100,000.

See, Buck was ready, all right.

A little bit more ready
than our Lady of Astoria.

Or should I say,

the late Lady of Astoria?

To death, Al?

And beyond, Peg.

But don't worry,

the hundred thou is payable
over a three-day period.

So I figure, you know,

a couple of busy
days at the shoe store,

maybe a lemonade stand
manned by my two daughters, here...

we'll be able to save
up enough money

to buy a chocolate bar
and maybe some nylons

for my new cellmate, Bruno.

Daddy?

If it'll help any,

you can have my
share of the $10,000.

I'll miss you most
of all, Scarecrow.

Uh, excuse me.

So you're not getting
a cut of $10,000?

Well, no, but...

what difference does that make
when we have what we have?

Have that.

Fine!

There's plenty more
where you came from, babe.

I gotta see this.

He didn't get the money.

Let's burn him!

Yeah! Whoo!

Not there! Not there!

- Kill him!
- Watch it now!

Aw, honey, don't be sad.

The worst thing that happened

is that we owe
another hundred grand.

I mean, what are they gonna do?

Garnish your paycheck?

Yeah. Or yours.

You know, go into
the kids' college funds.

Or our retirement fund.

We don't have any!

Or our life insurance.

We have nothing!

Ah, you really know how
to make me feel better, Peg.

And you know what you
could do to make me feel better.

Way ahead of you, babe.

Hey, how 'bout that one?

You're the king, baby.

You got that right.