Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 5, Episode 20 - Top of the Heap - full transcript

Ah. Ooh.

Ah, it... It hurts me
to see you in pain.

See? All better.

What are you doing?

Checking for my nipple.

Where's Mr. Fluffy?

Your cat?

He was hungry, so I
threw him out the window.

Pop!

Awww...

Mr. Fluffy.



Pop, don't kid me like that.

But I know you love Mr. Fluffy.

Now, go on, kiss him.

I'll do better than that.

I'll give him some
advice: grow wings.

Sit down.

I'm makin' breakfast
this morning.

W-w-wait a minute. Use a napkin.

You wouldn't perchance
be miffed at me

because I lost the
fight, would ya?

"Lost" is such a harsh word.

Let's just say ya
came in second.

Here.

I got a special treat for ya.



Hey, don't worry.

There are plenty of other
opportunities out there

for a smart guy like me.

Uh, definitely, definitely.

Name any one of the Great Lakes.

Lake Folbert.

Remember?

Where you taught me how to swim?

What a great lake.

Hey, I'm still gonna
make ya proud of me.

I used a couple of
your connections

in the business world,

and I got myself
a job as a busboy.

A busboy? Hey, that's great.

Say, bring me home a
half-eaten roll, will ya?

We need a new plan for you.

I want more for you than...

Than just being me.

As wonderful as I am.

You know, Pop, you
and Mom were a lot alike.

One of the last things
she said to me was,

"Whatever you be, be
more than your father."

Hi, Vinnie. Hi, Mona.

Vinnie,

why don't you tell your father

that my mom needs everything
in her apartment fixed...

now.

Everything in her
apartment? Why?

Because then we can spend
the next two weeks alone.

Hey.

Mona, Mona, Mona.

Hoy! Hey-y.

Why don't you come
back a little later?

Really? When?

When you're no longer a felony.

Where is he?

Charlie!

Hey, Al.

Vinnie! Heh-heh-heh!

So, Al, did you happen
to watch the kid's fight?

Naw, naw, I listened
to it on the radio.

Naw, I was gonna watch
it on TV, but, uh, heh,

I don't have one anymore.

I bet it on your kid.

Easy, Al. Listen, Al.

I know that feels good,

but, uh, it's not gonna
bring your TV back.

No, that TV was my baby.

Got me through a
lot of rough times.

I watched it when we
conceived our two kids.

I still remember putting
my forearm in Peg's mouth

to shut her up, so I
could hear Get Smart.

Yeah, for Bud...
For Bud I wised up.

Put her head by
the foot of the bed,

so I could watch too.

Now it doesn't matter
which way I turn her,

the magic is gone.

Mr. Bundy, I'll buy you a TV.

I got a new job.

Yeah. Share my pride.

He's a busboy.

Al, you're not much
more than a busboy.

My kid's at a difficult age,

where he just
might turn into a you.

Help him out. Give
him some advice.

Don't marry.

Don't marry!

It's only good for the woman.

Yeah, see, women got it made.

They find some guy to marry,

then they steal his youth,
his paycheck and his dreams.

Oh, yeah, then
their butt gets big.

Then you die, their
butt gets smaller

till the next guy comes along.

Oh, no, next to being a dog,

a beautiful woman
is the thing to be.

I'm sorry, Al, but you
don't have the butt

to be a beautiful woman.

Ehh, I let myself go.

Hey, don't run yourself down.

Ya still got a beautiful smile.

Uh... Uh...

Do you two wanna
be alone or anything?

Do you mind? He was just
gonna say something nice to me.

Ah, the moment's past.

You know what we shoulda
done when we were young studs?

What?

Married us a
couple of rich babes.

See, that way all
we'd have to do

is get up late... Yeah.

Pump a little iron to
stay in shape... Yeah.

Let the robe pop open
a little to show the maid

what she could have if
she saved her pennies...

and settle back on the couch,

get stinking drunk
and pick your feet

till the cows come home.

I can't think of a fuller,
more satisfying life.

Ah, but time has passed us by.

Young women today
don't understand it.

We don't wanna go
right to sleep after sex.

We have to.

Ah, I guess it's a
young man's world.

I think I am getting a
new Verducci master plan.

No.

Please, no.

Yes.

Ooh, I love this plan.

For it to work,

you are gonna have
to meet a rich woman.

No, no, no, I know
what you're gonna say.

There's a shortage of rich
women in our tenement.

H-hey, Charlie.

I was thinking about
what you were saying,

but I don't have to
go to sleep after sex.

I wanna go to sleep after sex.

I... I welcome the darkness.

Anyhow, there'll be
plenty of rich women

at that fundraiser you
were busboy'ing tonight.

Here's my plan.

We go, we have a bite to eat,

and you marry a millionaire.

You with me?

No.

He's so cute.

He thinks he has a vote.

See?

What's so difficult?

Stand on a couple
of garbage cans,

you break a window...

and you're in high society.

Let's go charm the
crap out of these people.

Look...

you don't have to worry.

To prepare us, I
have read Trump,

The Wall Street Journal,

and a magazine called
Rich Babes in Chains.

Now, I have
distilled their wisdom

into three key phrases.

So if you get confused,
simply say either,

"How about that market?"

"Damn Democrats,"

or, "Punish me. I've
been very, very bad."

As for myself, I'm not worried.
'Cause, hey, I fit in anywhere.

You, over here.

You call this a meatball?

Bet a couple of days
ago, it had a saddle on it.

Be gone.

We're gonna get
thrown out of here.

We don't belong.

See, Pop, it's like I
learned in high school.

This famous philosopher...

I can't remember his name.

Said, "The poor..."

Jeez, I don't remember
what he said either.

What'd he say?

I don't know.

The point is, we're
poor, they're rich.

That's the way it should be.

They're just better
than us, that's all.

Hey, I know who it was.

It was the Greek
guy there, Pluto.

Nelson!

You were away all summer.

Well, it gets insufferably
warm in August,

so we took the yacht
to the Greek islands.

Ah.

And then my Puffy
just had to go to Madrid

to pick some tapestries
for the new villa.

Yes, I know how that is. Ha-ha!

Oh, look, uh... The meatballs.

Huh.

That's better than us?

Hey, they couldn't
live for one minute

in our neighborhood,

but I could live a
lifetime in theirs.

And I intend to.

Pop.

No, Pop. Don't.

Nelson!

Charles.

Verducci.

Greece, at the yacht club.

Say, did Puffy get
those tapestries

she was talking about?

You know that Puffster.

She always gets
what she's after,

and as I recall, she
was always after this guy.

Same old Charles.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Same old Charles.

Well, you boys seem
to be having fun.

I don't believe I've
had the pleasure.

Well, allow me.

Uh, Kathleen Morgan,

meet my very dear
friend, uh... Uh...

Charles Verducci,
what do you say?

Well, I see by your shirt

that you've been
sampling our meatballs.

And I see by your shirt

you got mighty powerful buttons.

Okay, if he can do it,

I can do it.

I'm a rich guy. I fit in.

How 'bout that market?

What about it?

Damn Democrats.

What about them?

Uh, punish me. I've
been very, very bad.

United Chemical, that's
where I'm putting my money.

Well, I think it's overpriced.

Stick with the blue chip
of the blue-chippers: IBM.

What do you like, Charles?

Long hair, short
dresses and big hooters.

Hey, sweetheart. How you doin'?

You... You've been
to a lot of these things.

Let me ask you something:

Do I look like I belong here?

You look like you belong
anywhere you wanna be.

Well, where I wanna
be is in a cold place

holding a warm you.

What do you say after this
fiasco, you and I go... Ah!

What the hell are you doing?

We're not here
to bag a waitress.

I like waitresses.

I like waitresses too.

But tonight, we're
after bigger game.

Now, go mingle with the rich.

Pop, why is it always me

in the Verducci
master plan, huh?

I'm tired of being the pawn

in your cosmic game of checkers.

Why don't you
marry a millionaire?

Me?

Yeah.

You got a real
cute one over there

giving you the buffalo eye.

Oh, yeah? Who?

Over there.

Oh, would that it could be.

But that one,
see, she's married.

In fact, to two guys.

So, hey, if one of
'em drops dead,

I'm still out of luck.

Huh? You get it? I got it.

Huh? You okay? Yeah.

Good. Now, so get
back to work, okay?

And just think millionaire,
millionaire, millionaire.

Millionaire. Millionaire.

Millionaire. Millionaire.

Did you know I
was a millionaire?

Miss, excuse me. I think
you dropped your purse.

Oh.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Oh, ho-ho-ho-ho!

You just wanted to see
me bend over, didn't you?

What were you thinking?

Well, let's just say

I retasted that meatball
I ate awhile ago.

Oh, your son seems to be

quite popular with
our young ladies.

Kid's got the Verducci charm.

No, I've got the Verducci charm.

You're not allowed in
the men's room, are ya?

Of course not.

Well, that's where I'll be.

It's an interesting
point, Nelson.

Very well put.

I don't want to
give my son a job

in any of my many companies.

That's no way to
learn responsibility.

So I'm wondering maybe,
you know, you can give him

some kind of an
executive position.

But, hey, don't spoil the boy.

Start him off at, what,
three, four hundred thousand.

Dollars?

Go back to nodding.

So, what do you say?

Where did the boy go to school?

Uh, P.S. 124.

Yale.

Oh, my son went to Yale.
Uh, let me call him over.

Did I say Yale? Silly me.

I meant to say Harvard.

Now, my son went to Harvard.

Um, let me call him over...

I didn't mean Harvard.

Where did I go?

Go over there.

Over there? Yeah, over there.

Okay, I'll be over here.

Okay, here's the truth.

Once, he was a very
promising scholar,

but then he had
this tricycle accident.

Okay, here's the truth.

Look, we know each
other for so long,

we're such good friends, I
feel I can be honest with you.

Now, I should have
mentioned it in Greece,

but, you know, yacht,

tapestries, Zorba...

So here it is.

The kid's a genius,

but he's lazy.

So I'm thinking,

I'll cut him off,
you give him a job,

but he's gotta make due

on the lousy 400 grand
a year you pay him.

Let him suffer a little.

It works.

That's what my
dad had to do to me.

Now, I learned my lesson. Yeah.

Well, then we're
in agreement. Hm.

Oh, Charles.

Oh, I'm sorry to drag him away,

but this is very important.

Charles.

I was hoping to see you

at the Littlefield
party next week,

but I checked and your
name is not on the guest list.

Oh, it's a horrible oversight.

By the way, are, uh,

my dear friends Roger
and Nelson gonna be there?

Why, yes.

Well, then I must be there too.

Oh, I'm afraid it's
just impossible.

Ah, what the hell.

I was a Marine.

The party's at 8:30.

How you doing, Pop?

Great. I'm even starting to get
some feeling back in my tongue.

You know, it's amazing.

I was just musing
about our evening.

You know, the difference,
yet the sameness,

between the rich and poor.

And as the philosopher...

I can't remember his name.

Said,

"The rich..."

No, no. "The poor..."

No, wait.

Jeez, I don't remember
what the guy said.

But I remember, it
shaped my young life.

What the hell was it?

Doesn't matter.
You got the gist of it.

The important thing is

that through my God-given
charm and Verducciness,

my master plan is working.

And I got phone numbers
shoved in my pocket

by every pretty
girl in that room.

So I guess what I'm saying is,

I won't be home nights

for about a year.

Wait a minute. You're not
gonna sleep with any of them

till we got a commitment.

We gotta start
thinking like women.

No band on the hand,
no nookie for cookie.

Not even the one

who dots the I in her
name with her mouth?

No.

You're just gonna have to follow

the Verducci master plan,

or bad things will
happen to Mr. Fluffy.

You wouldn't.

Hey, as much as I
love him, if you say no,

he's on a plate of noodles
in a Thai restaurant.

Shh. Pop, come on.

You know he
understands everything.

I hope so.

'Cause nothing is gonna
stand in the way of my dream.

You are gonna find yourself
a rich woman to marry.

And even if you don't,

only good things happen
when you're around money.

Money gives money good jobs.

Money gives money stock tips.

And let's face it,

what the hell's the worst
thing that could happen?

Money could run
over us with its car.

Then we sue money's ass.

Oh!

So are you with me?

I'm with you, Pop.

That's my boy.