Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 5, Episode 19 - Kids! Wadaya Gonna Do? - full transcript

So he said to me,

"I just can't move my
feet like you do, Bud."

So I says, "Hammer, please
don't make me hurt you.

Now, just watch my feet."

And the rest,
shall we say, is...

A lie?

Yes.

Yes, my mouth must be punished.

Kiss me, you minx.

Was it everything I
told you it would be?

No.



But it was everything

the other girls
told me it would be.

Well, then, let's try my
patented gyro-tongue action.

Look...

before I cheapen myself anymore,

are you sure you can
get front-row tickets

to the Vanilla Ice concert?

Hey.

Now, I'm the one who
showed Ice, Hammer's steps.

Now, play that funky
lip music, white girl.

Hey, if I told you punks once,

I told you a thousand times.

Keep your hands off my daughter.

You little ninny.



Oh, I love it when they
come back for more.

Oh, hi, son.

Turn on the lights.

What for?

Turn on the lights!

Does that look
like Kelly to you?

Does it?!

You mean...

that was you over there,
Bundyfying that girl?

All right, son.

Come on over here, now.

Sit back down... Here.

Put your little arm
around her... There.

Hey, Peg!

Peg, get down here,
you gotta see this!

Bring the camera!

I gotta go.

Call me when
you get the tickets.

And remember, the
closer I get to Ice...

the closer you get to the heat.

Oh! What is it, Al? What is it?

Are Marcie and Jefferson
playing nude Jeopardy again?

No, no.

No. More incredible.

Bud had a girl here.

Yeah, right.

Al, I thought we agreed

not to make fun
of him to his face.

Now, good night, honey.

And don't worry.

One day, it won't
be just a cruel joke.

Does no one in this
house see my sex appeal?

I mean, I see it. These
people must be crazy.

Well, luckily, I have a
girl who loves me now.

Buy the way, Dad,

I need 60 bucks to
take her to a concert,

or she's gonna go with someone
she finds genuinely attractive.

Daddy? Have I told you
how much I loved you?

Oh, no.

How much, Kelly?

A whole lot.

No, I mean, how much
money do you want?

That's what I was talking about:

a whole lot.

Daddy, I need this money so bad.

Our modeling school's going
on this really important field trip

to the old models home...

to visit... Renee.

She was the first model
who only had one name.

I mean, since Renee, models
from Iman to Cheryl Tiegs

have had only one name.

Forget it, Kel.

Dad works hard for his money,

and I say we use it
only for necessities.

He's gonna give it to
me so I can get me some,

aren't you, Dad?

Yep, both my kids
have legitimate requests,

so, uh, maybe I shall solve this

as the oh-so-wise Solomon would.

I shall keep my money

and go to the
nudie bar tomorrow.

So it shall be written,
so it shall be danced.

Part the seas of uselessness.

I must go sleep
with the red plague.

Well, maybe for a penny.

Get out of here, you old rag.

Oh.

What's wrong with everyone, huh?

I mean, surely a quarter's
not too much to ask

to rub your hands over all this.

Yeah, it's a real bargain.

You and I are a lot alike, boy.

No.

I've had sex.

And at least I have
the decency to die at 13.

I wonder how Kelly's doing

on her new
roller-skating waitress job.

Help me!

Open the door! Open
the door! Open the door!

Open the door, Bud! Hurry!

Hurry!

Thank you.

But a trifle late.

Help me down the steps, Sneezy.

Dumb, stupid, rotten job.

Roller-skating waitress
at Bill's Hilltop Drive-In.

This is what I
spent all those years

learning my ABD's for?

How much money
did you make, Kel?

Nothing.

This is my first order.

Stupid people put
their stupid restaurant

on a stupid hill.

So these people
order burgers and fries,

and then they load
me into this chute,

fire me towards the car.

And I'm doing fine.

I'm also doing warp 10
zooming down the expressway

to the yells of: "It's
a bird. It's a plane.

No, it's a girl going 90
with a dress over her head."

You know, if mom
hadn't made me stop

kissing for money when I was 5,

I wouldn't be in
this pickle of a fish.

So... how'd you do?

Well, you know, I haven't
actually started yet.

Let me save you a lot of grief.

Don't try the oil-me-up-
for-a-quarter bit,

because you can
feel the Chihuahua

down the block for free.

Bud, I just can't
miss this bus trip.

I mean, if I do, I'll fall
behind the other models.

I'm already failing Smiling 101.

Oh, my God. Now I've done it.

My brain's beating
faster. Help me.

Easy now, Breakfast
of Champions.

Now, listen... from here on in,

I'll do the thinking
for the both of us,

and you do the working
for the both of us.

And we'll split it 30-70.

Wait a second, wait a second.

I'm doing all the work, right?

So it's 30 for me.

Okay.

Oh, God, I just love
going to the mall.

And did you see how
I controlled myself?

I couldn't be more proud
of you if you were dead.

You know, Peg,

the least you could have done
was stand next to me in line

when they shredded
my credit cards.

Well, it wasn't my stuff
that put us over the limit.

It was that thing
you just had to have.

So here it is: your Hanes
underwear sewing kit.

So, what do you
want to do tonight?

Same thing the Rockefellers do:

sew my underwear up and cry.

Come on, honey.

I wanna go out.

Peg, I just spent three
hours in your presence.

I watched you buy lingerie

that I wouldn't sleep next to
even if you weren't in them.

So I don't want another
chalkboard screech out of you.

Al!

Honey, I wanna go out tonight.

Hi.

Hi.

You know, in this day and age,

I don't know why you
leave your door open.

A maniac could just
walk in and kill you.

Yeah, like I ever
get what I want.

Yeah, Al, uh, we'd kind of
like to rent a video tonight,

pop it on the old VCR,

and spend a nice night at home.

What are you telling me for?

That's our VCR.

Yes, I guess about a month ago,

when you came
over to borrow a soda,

and we said, "Take
whatever you want,"

you might have misunderstood.

Which brings me to our flatware.

Hey, I didn't steal your bra.

Easy, Marcie.

Al, I know what let's do.

Let's go over to their
house and watch videos.

Marcie, that's a great idea.

You'll bring the
food and the movies,

and we'll bring your VCR.

Absolutely not.

Dad, I just got Kelly
a babysitting gig,

so tonight you have to stay
up in the bedroom with Mom.

Oh, Al...

We can break in my new lingerie.

I know.

I'll wear the mood panties.

Hey!

Let's do it! Let's go!

Last one to your house
gets to sit next to the wife.

Come on.

Babysitting.

God, the degradation.

You know, the
last time I babysat,

it was for this
stupid little boy.

I got so sick of his whining

that I held him over the
toilet and I kept on flushing it...

telling him that the
next time, he'd be in it.

From then on, every time
he heard running water,

he freaked.

Too bad, I just can't remember
who that kid was though.

Oh, well.

I'm sure he's gotten
over it by now.

That must be the client now.

Just can't figure
it out, though.

Why would people pay
$120 just to babysit one kid?

I didn't say one kid, Kel.

I said one family.

Which family?

The Hubbards.

Kel, I got the money,
and I'm off to the concert.

Bud, don't leave me!

I'm your sister!

What means more to you:

your sister or
some little tramp?

So... are we gonna be
good little boys and girls?

Destroy! Kill!

Hate.

I went wee-wee.

Help!

Okay, now, here are our choices:

Anna Karenina,

Beaches,

Madame Sousatzka,

or the one that was
already in the VCR,

Breast Monsters From Jupiter.

Well, I've already
seen Breast Monsters,

but I'll go around again.

I won't spoil the
ending for you,

but it involves breasts.

Oh, well, I'm game if
the ladies don't mind.

Or we could watch
that one second.

No, let's watch
that Beaches one.

I wouldn't mind seeing
a couple of college babes

in string bikinis.

Actually...

a complex tale about
the enduring friendship

of two women over
a period of 18 years.

Two girls swapping tans
on a beach for 18 years?

Pop it in.

You know, we can
watch it until they hit 30.

Then we watch Breast
Monsters From Jupiter.

Oh, relax, Al.

You haven't even learned
how to capture breasts

on this planet yet.

He loves them, you know...

but he doesn't know
how to handle them.

You know, sometimes at night,

he'll grab my knee,

squeeze it, heh,

and say, "Go on, say it.

Who's the king,
baby? Who's the king?"

Sometimes I laugh so hard,
I lose my place in my book.

Well, i... In my defense,

uh, these days,
most things on her

orbit around her knees.

Shall we movie?

Honk, honk. Oh!

You love it, baby.

"'Honk, honk, '
said the goss..."

"Goose."

Oh.

"Goose, as she swims to find..."

"A."

"a worm for dinner"?

Very good.

"Quickie she
flopped her winds..."

Oh, God.

Look... let me capsize
the story for you.

When the goose got
where it was going,

she met this really
cool blonde goose...

who only had one name:

Kelly.

Cool, huh? Huh.

Anyway, she was a model.

Everybody thought
that she was dumb,

but she wasn't.

Anyway... she was so beautiful

that all the boys in
Fairyland wanted her.

You know, like
Prince Charming and...

the guy with the
pies and the sheep...

the guy shaped like an egg...

Dopey and Zeppo...

Curly and Moe,

and the other dwarfs, et cetera.

But instead of going
to the fairy dance,

she had to babysit

a bunch of troll-like
snot monsters, who...

if one of them squirts
me with that gun,

will die a horrible,
screaming death,

along with his demon-seed
brother and sister Hubbards,

at the hands of the
mighty dragon-beast Buck,

who hasn't eaten
for a thousand years.

The end.

So... what have we
learned from all this?

You die at dawn.

Isn't this a good movie?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, it's great.

Why did I marry?

All I ever really wanted to do

was play racquetball
with the guys,

maybe ride a motorcycle
across country,

go to California and
become a porno star.

Ah...

But this is almost as much fun.

What a life.

Is this it?

Is this the end?

Did it happen last night,
and no one told me?

Gads.

It's Saturday night.

I should be out on the
town, dressed in leopard,

purring like a kitten in Karl
"The Mailman" Malone's lap.

Ah, but this is
almost as much fun.

Hey! Peg would wanna see this.

I know what
they're all thinking:

Marcie has the smallest
breasts in the room.

Well, I'm happy about
it. Happy, I tell you.

They are perfectly
symmetrical for my frame.

And I'm happy about
it. Happy, I tell you.

Besides, I'm smart.

I have a big brain.

That's what men really want.

Milk Dud?

Tootsie Roll.

How long is this movie, an eon?

There isn't a woman
under 50 in this film.

About now on Jupiter,

the breast gladiators would be
dueling with the liquid cheese.

But, gee, then I'd be missing
out on all this human feeling.

God, what happened to me?

When I was young, I would
have beat the hell out of him

and made his
wife hold my jacket.

And here I am
hanging out with them.

God, I was great
when I was a kid.

A football hero.

Young, strong,
fast, indestructible.

♪ Memories ♪

♪ Of the world I left behind ♪

♪ Misty, water-colored
Memories ♪

♪ Of the way we were ♪

♪ Shattered pictures ♪

♪ Of the smiles I left behind ♪

♪ Smiles we gave
To one another ♪

♪ For the way we were ♪

♪ Can it be that it was
All so simple then? ♪

♪ Or has time
Rewritten every line? ♪

♪ If we had the chance
To do it all again ♪

♪ Tell me, would we? ♪

♪ Could we? ♪

♪ Memories ♪

♪ May be beautiful And yet ♪

♪ What's too painful
To remember ♪

♪ We simply choose To forget ♪

♪ So it's the laughter ♪

♪ We will remember ♪

♪ Whenever we remember ♪

♪ The way we were ♪

♪ The way we were ♪

Hi, Kel.

The greatest thing.

I got her front row.

I got her backstage.

I got her.

I was so cool!

Could you untie me, please?

Well, I'm not sure.

Would you be mad if I said I
spent your share of the money

on my date?

I'd kill you.

Well, then...

I'll see you in the morning.

If you need me,
I'll be upstairs.

The bad thing do
make you sleepy.

Oh, god.