Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 5, Episode 18 - Weenie Tot Lovers & Other Strangers - full transcript

Oh, man. A fella
could get used to this.

Ah, I'll bet the peanut
inside is all warm and toasty.

Oh, Lord...

bless this M&M...

and the mighty cockroach

I slain in battle to get it.

Hi, honey.

You ruined my day, you know.

Well, Peg, it's your own fault.

Stop asking me if you
look old in the morning.

Not that.



Thanks to you, I had a
humiliating experience

at the beauty parlor.

Your paycheck
fell out of my purse,

and everyone saw it.

I tried to pretend it was Bud's,

but no one believed me.

There it was, just
as plain as day:

Al Bundy, 80 pesos.

So I pretended to laugh

like I thought it was funny,

but inside, I was dying.

Mmm!

The peanut's all
warm and toasty.

Whoo!



Oh, baby.

What brought that on?

Well, I was trying to
get my dinner back!

Al, you're avoiding the issue.

Now, let's face
it. You're past 40.

It's time you started
bringing home

more money than Opie.

Peg, Opie came home
to Aunt Bea's pies.

Me, I come home to Aunt Bea.

Mom, Dad,

I've got some great news.

What, they're starting
an all-you-can-eat buffet

at the men's shelter?

Good talking to you, Dad.

Mom, I've got some great news.

I've been selected one of
five Chicago-area students

to go to the White House
and meet the president.

Peg, did you hear that?

My boy's going to
meet the president.

Son, do me a favor.

I-if you meet the
white-haired old lady...

You know, Mrs. President...

She seems nice. Tell
her to go into the kitchen

and fix something up, and
bring it home to old Dad.

And, uh, while you're at it, uh,

bring me back some of
that presidential toilet paper.

Man, I'll bet that
stuff is smooth.

Yeah, sure, Dad.

Mom, you want me to
grab a lamp or anything,

if I have a hand free?

Well, I wouldn't
spit at a painting.

Oh. Just Dad's laundry, eh, Mom?

Anyway, all I need for
the trip is 100 bucks.

Hundred bucks?!

For 100 bucks, we can get
the president to come here.

Ah, what the hell. Peg,
uh, give me my checkbook.

You want the personal
or the corporate account?

I-I want the joint account.

The one where the checks say,

"Mrs. Peggy Bundy and

the nameless shoe salesman."

Look, that was
supposed to be a joke.

I had no idea that
they would actually

put that on the checks.

But at least they left
out the "witless" part.

"Nameless shoe salesman."

Here you go, son.

Now, this is the
Bundys' last $100.

You're proud of
me, aren't you, Dad?

I'm proud of both my children.

You guys, I have great news!

Was this couch always here?

Oh.

Anyway... I have a chance

to be Miss Weenie Tot.

Do you know what that means?

It means that if I win,

I get to go to supermarkets

and hold a tray of Weenie
Tots in front of a cold freezer,

while a bunch of old
men look up my dress.

I have dreamt about
this since I was a little girl.

And, if I win, I get a year's
supply of Weenie Tots.

Hey.

What's a Weenie Tot?

What's a Weenie Tot?!

Peg, a Weenie
Tot is a delicious,

little hot-dog-type meat

wrapped in a breaded shell
and deep-fried in pure lard.

It's nature's perfect food.

All I need is $100 for a new
dress to impress the judges.

Well, can the
pathetic dreams, Kel,

'cause I got Dad's
last 100 right here

to meet the president...

Can it be true?

My little girl,

the symbol of this
country's superiority

in chemically-treated food?

And bringing home
those little weenies

to dear old Dad.

And maybe Daddy could share
these little weenies with Mommy.

Listen... Gomez, Morticia.

Surely you can't compare
bimboing around with pig parts

to my meeting the president
of our United States.

Well, we've only got $100 left.

It's a tough call.

One... is a
once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

And the other...

meeting the president.

Gee, Al.

What's a parent to do?

I can't believe I'm
actually in the place

where they make Weenie Tots.

Daddy, did you notice

that there are no
garbage cans outside?

Well, a lot of places now
are into recycling, honey.

Attention, everyone.

Mr. Shnick, president of
Weenie Tot Incorporated,

will be with you in a moment.

He's just briefing
his vice presidents.

Okay. Okay.

The girls are gonna
be in here any minute.

Now, remember, remember.
You're all vice presidents.

Yeah, yeah. Boobies!

Boobies!

Johnson!

Now, you calm down.

Okay, get them in here, Flopsie.

Oh, there they are.
Aren't they lovely?

Come right in. Come
right in. Come right in.

Make yourselves comfortable.

Thank you, girls.
Thank you... Thank...

Uh, whoa. Whoa.

Hey, I told you
boys in Janitorial,

you wanna look at the girls,

you gotta go around
and peek in the windows.

Hey, I'm one of the parents.

Uh, I'd just like to say how
much I love Weenie Tots.

And, uh...

What's the secret ingredient?

We're not allowed to tell.

Ah, well.

Kelly, good luck, honey.

Mwah.

I'm gonna go outside
and play with Flopsie now.

You may be wondering

what a 25-year-old millionaire

is doing with an
18-year-old daughter.

Not really.

Anyway... um...

both her parents,

especially her mother...

died in a flaming car wreck.

Sir, you're spraying me.

My name is Butter Lefkowitz,

and I hope one
day to be a doctor.

My name is Rhonda Rose,

and I believe we
must stop pollution.

I'm Kelly, pronounced
"Kel-ee," Bundy,

and I think guys with
hooks for hands are cool.

And now for the all-important
talent competition.

Dance.

Armed with only a long knife...

I slayed the beast
that crushed my wife

and left me alone in my mansion

with the world's
largest diamond.

Does it smell like feet in here?

I don't smell anything.

Give me one!

Ok, here's the truth:

I'm not 25.

I'm not a millionaire.

And, uh... those were my feet.

But, uh...

here's the real story.

I'm Joe Namath.

'Sixty-nine Superbowl, babe.

That was me.

Nineteen sixty-nine?

I wasn't even born yet.

Oh, Lord...

I know I've come to you
a time or two in the past.

Of course... you've
been less than receptive.

Well, you know, the wife thing,

the shoe thing,
the life thing...

But, Lord, this time
I have a chance

at winning a year's
supply of Weenie Tots here.

You know how good they are.

They're made up
of all your creatures.

So...

please let Kelly win.

And if you do, I'll...

I'll be nice to everyone I meet

forever and ever.

Amen.

Daddy, I won! I won!

Oh!

Get out of the way, behemoth!

And so continues
our special half hour

on the four plucky,
Chicago-area youths

who have captured
the hearts of the nation.

The meeting with
the president today.

The ride in Air Force One.

The gifts showered on
them from corporate America.

But you have to wonder
about the mysterious fifth youth

who didn't make the trip.

Well... I guess he
had better things to do.

Hi, Bud.

Gee, why so glum?

Is it that president
thing again?

Now, baby, come on.

There will be plenty of other

once-in-a-lifetime
opportunities.

Now, I know what
would make up for this.

Let's go get ice cream.

Ice cream?

Do you think some
lousy chocolate sprinkles

can make up for this?

I could've ridden
in Air Force One.

Could've had a
scholarship to Harvard.

I could've been playing Nintendo

with Dan Quayle in the War Room.

This is the worst thing
that's ever happened...

Guess what!

The Weenie Tots are here!

This is the greatest day

in the history of the Bundys.

Son, here. No one can look glum

with a Weenie
Tot on their tongue.

What's the matter with him?

Oh, I don't know.

I know what would cheer him up.

Let's take him out
for some ice cream.

Spare me your
love. I'm going out.

Where you going?

Just to take a
nice nap in traffic.

Well, don't forget your jacket.

Peg... I gotta get back to work.

But at least I've got something
now to put in my lunch box.

Oh, look, Al. Weenie
Tots is running

a new scratch-and-sniff
sweepstakes.

"If your card
smells like a weenie,

you win $50,000."

Hey, let's open them
all up and see if we won.

Peg, no.

Read the label.

"No nutritional value."

No, keep reading.

"This is not a food..."

No, no, no. The fine print.

"Do not expose
Weenie Tots to air.

"Will accelerate
disintegration process.

Enjoy."

I want to know if we won.

Well, I can tell you that.
We're Bundys. We didn't.

Now, Peg, I've
got a year's supply

of my favorite mock food.

It, like me, is highly unstable.

Al, if you don't want
me to touch them,

just say "Don't touch them."

Don't touch them.

Then I won't.

The place smells
like rat droppings.

Oh, no!

Woman, what have you done?

My tots!

My tots!

My weenies have been exposed!

You've disintegrated my tots!

Al, we didn't win.

Look what you've
done to my tots!

Would you think
about me for once?

I've ruined my fingernails,

and I've had six nosebleeds.

Well, there's one box
left. I may as well open it.

Hm! Peg.

Now, can we cut
out the usual charade

of "I forbid you, and
you totally ignore me"?

So how about this?

Can I eat the last box in peace?

Can you wait one stinking
minute while I go to the fridge

and get a beer to
wash them down?

Of course, honey.

Congratulations, Peg.

You just won a
trip to Disneyfist.

Oh, my God! What?

We won! Fifty-thousand dollars?

We won! No!

Peg. Peg. Where do you wanna go?

Hawaii.

Okay. Then I shall go to Europe.

I love you.

We're wasting time. Let's pack.

Okay.

What's going on?

Nothing.

Don't gimme that.

Ah-ha.

You've won the
Weenie Tot Sniffstakes.

We were just coming
out to tell you...

Spare me your pork-scented lies.

At this point,

I'm practically
raising myself anyway.

So I'll tell you what.

Just give me the money you
have in your pockets right now...

we'll call it even.

Okay.

Ingrate.

Goodbye, son.

Goodbye, loving parents.

Oh!

By the way.

Here's a little
something to chat about

on the way back
from the airport.

You can't win. You're ineligible

because your
microbrained daughter

is now a Weenie Tot employee.

We'll be poor for
the rest of our lives!

Bite on that weenie!

Is he right, Al?

I'm afraid he is, Peg.

Oh, what to do, what to do.

Well, maybe Kelly
can help us out of this.

Boy, am I beat.

All day long,

cut the ribbon, wave.

Cut the ribbon, wave.

Heavy is the head of
she who wears the crown.

Cut the ribbon, wave...

Well, this is a fine mess.

She's an idiot, and the
smart one's mad at us.

Hm...

What we need is a dupe.

Someone dishonest enough
to cash this ticket for us,

yet... honest enough not
to run off with the money.

In other words...

someone mighty stupid.

So we're talking a 50-50 split.

What do you say?

This is the lowest
idea I have ever heard.

If you want someone to
cheat an American business,

then you have come
to the wrong people.

What you need, Al
Bundy, is a criminal.

And I'm no criminal. And I
don't know anyone who is.

I'll do it.

What do you mean, "I'll do it"?

What part of "I'll do it"
didn't you understand?

Let's just put aside

the dishonesty of
this for a minute.

At least remember

that you are a
white-collar criminal.

This man, at best,

is a ring-around-the-collar
criminal.

Now, honey, you don't
want to be in league

with someone whose
greatest accomplishment

has been putting
shoes on his knees

and sneaking into
the movies as a child.

Besides...

I don't wanna wind up
Bonnie to this man's "Clod."

Marcie, we're talking
about $50,000 here.

That buys a lot
of motion lotion.

Deal.

And so, the four
Chicago wonder kids

arrived in Geneva for their
summit with Russian leader...

Come on. Let's get
some real news on here.

And now, the unusual story

of the winning of the
Weenie Tot Sniffstakes,

which occurred a short time ago.

Hey...

it looks like Jefferson's
getting ready

to blow town with his wife.

He's supposed to
blow town with me.

I mean, us.

As Miss Weenie Tot,

I am pleased to present
this check for $50,000

to Mr. Jefferson D'Arcy...

a man that I have
never, ever met before...

and, I might add,

does not live next door to me,

and has no prearranged plans

to split the money with
anyone in my family.

So, what do you plan to do

with my daddy's
money, Mr. D'Arcy?

What Mr. D'Arcy intends
to do with the money

is to make partial reparations

to the aged and stupid
people he defrauded

in the notorious Lake
Chicamakomoko land scandal.

Good. Good. I'm
glad. Glad, I say.

I knew this would happen

the moment I heard
Al Bundy was involved.

That's B-U-N-D...

Hey, hey. That's
my mother's bracelet!

I'm not the criminal.

Al Bundy is the criminal.

Hi, Daddy.

Leave town-ay.

The jig is up-say.

Gee, Al, uh,

maybe I made a mistake

in letting Kelly
in on the plans.

Well, honey, at least it's over.

Uh, no, Peg. It's not over.

Now it's over.

What's for dinner tonight
in the slammer, guys?

Same thing every night.

Weenie Tots.

Book me.