Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 5, Episode 17 - Oldies But Young 'Uns - full transcript

Ah!

The ever-lilting fragrance
of "Eau de Bring 'Em All On."

Must be Friday, Kel,
'cause if it was Saturday,

it would be "Essence
de Free Clinique."

Gee, Bud, it's date night.

Shouldn't you be upstairs
practicing your French kissing

on your stuffed
Ninja Turtle doll?

Saying...

"Oh, Donatello,
your shell is so soft."

Aren't we testy?

Ah.



Could it be that,
uh, your date isn't

the only thing that's late?

He'll be here.

I've had guys
crawling on their bellies

out of flaming auto
wrecks to go out with me.

Kelly...

you might as well hear it
from someone who loves you.

You're hagged out.

Finished. Over.

But keep your chins up, Kel.

Plenty of guys
will still call you.

They'll just call
you, "Hey, waitress."

"Hey, you with the broom."

"Hey, thief."



Oh, save it, zit-tac-toe.

Your words fall off me

like water off a duck's quack.

Now, there is nothing wrong
with a guy being a little late.

Doesn't mean anything.

Kelly, you're home.

Oh, my God.

You've been stood up.

Oh.

My poor baby.

I'll tell you what.

We'll get some Ovaltine, watch
the Home Shopping Network,

and I'll order you a Clapper.

Hi, Al.

Honey, Kelly's been stood up.

Must bring back memories
for you, huh, Peg?

Anyway, I was driving
home... God knows why

and hear this old song on
the radio that I used to love,

but I can't remember the name.

Now, why is it whenever
a song comes on the radio,

and you're waiting
to hear them name it,

it's always number
six of 40 in a row?

Well, stick with it, honey.

You figured out
how to flush the toilet,

you'll figure this one out.

This is a burning
question of our time,

and I will not have it
trivialized by a woman

who thinks the TV show
Hunter is engrossing.

Anyhow, the DJ finally comes on,

and instead of telling
me the name of my song...

he goes on and on about some
massive pile-up on the freeway.

"Twelve dead, 12 dead."

Then he kicks off
about 500 in a row

with Bobby Goldsboro's musical
sphincter lock known as "Honey."

Oh, God.

This is what it's like being
home on a Friday night?

Bud, Bud. Come here.

Now, listen to
this very carefully

and tell me the
name of the song.

♪ Hm-hm-him ♪

I don't know what it is,
Dad, but if you get the name,

me and the gang would
sure like to boogie to it.

Get out of my way.

Peg.

Peg, you're old. You know it.

♪ Hm-hm-him ♪

Clip your nose hairs, Al.

When you were humming,

it looked like a squid

was trying to reach
out and grab the kids.

Gee, none of my, uh...

None of my family was any
help to me. How unusual.

Al, must we be the spit bucket

in the early-round knockout

that is your life?

As usual, you need
professional help.

So why don't you just call
the oldies station, K-Fossil...

and ask the DJ?

I already called.

I got Rick Cool himself.

Gee, Rick Cool, huh?

Did Bobby 23 Skiddoo quit?

Al, the suspense is boring us.

Tell us what he said.

He said:

"The colors. The colors.

Has anybody seen
my good friend John?"

And he lit up a banana.
And then he hung up.

♪ Hm-hm-him ♪

Damn! Right on
the tip of my tongue.

Well, then it doesn't
have long to live.

I must have that song.

Maybe it's on the B-side
of a record I already have.

Peg, where's my
record collection

that I spent my
entire youth building?

Well, they were
cluttering up your closet,

so I moved them downstairs
next to the furnace.

Good thinking.

Because nothing brings out
the luster of original records

better than intense,
searing heat.

Lousy, redheaded,
life-sucking mosquito.

That's my date, tell
him I am not home.

Why don't you tell him?

Good idea.

I am not home.

Oh. Then is it okay if I wait?

Mom.

If my "mixed-up at the
hospital" theory is correct...

I'd say we just found
Kelly's natural brother.

So just where were you

while I was wasting my
life away with my family?

Well, I wanted to get
you something nice.

Garfield Spoils the Picnic.

That crazy cat
gets into everything,

from the potato salad
to the sack races.

No boy's ever brought
me literature before.

Well, my family believes:
"Say it with words."

I just have to get my bag.

Oh, by the way,

this is my mom

and, uh... the troll that
lives under our house.

Well, it's nice to meet you.

And, uh...

Excuse me, sir, I
was just wondering...

Doesn't it get lonely
under the house?

Um...

Not when you have
a bell and a hat.

Hi. I'm Peggy. And I
know what you're thinking.

How could a woman barely
out of high school herself

possibly be the mother to a
teenage daughter? Heh-heh.

Actually, I was wondering if

we had trolls under my building.

I mean, sometimes I hear noises.

My dad says it's the
pipes, but now I wonder.

Look.

I am not a troll.

I'm a boy, you idiot.

Well, I... I just
"poured" through

my record collection, literally.

Uh, hi, Mr. Bundy.

Vinnie.

Vinnie Verducci, Charlie's boy.

Peg, you remember Charlie.

Charlie. You met
him at our wedding.

Oh, yes. A lovely man.

When you see your father,

ask him if he's done with
my mother's cigarette lighter.

You know, in defense of your
father, she was bending over.

He might have thought that,
you know, someone had left it

in the folds of a couch.

Bud, you oughta start
hanging around with this guy.

The girls can't keep
their hands off him.

What brings you here?

He's taking Kelly out.

Touch her, and I'll hang
you with your own colon.

Hey, Kel, come here.

Five bucks says this
guy won't even touch you.

You're on.

No guy has ever gone out
with me and not touched me.

Vinnie, I'm ready.

♪ Hm-hm-him ♪

♪ Hm-hm-him ♪

Well, honey, we're
finally alone. Heh.

I know what would take your mind

off that record for a minute.

You could make
love to me four times.

Peg, when I said I
was after an oldie,

I meant, "but a goody."

Now, surely there must
be someone around here

old enough to know that song.

Hi, Peggy. Hi.

Listen, Jefferson and I are
thinking of going to the movies.

Well, I don't think
we can go with you.

Well, we didn't want
you to come with us.

But we need to
know what's playing,

and Al stole our paper again.

How'd you know it's me?

We found one of your
straws in our Sparkletts bottle.

Hey, listen, while
you're here...

Let me... Let me ask
you a question. Um...

See if you can... See if
you can name this song.

♪ Hm-hm-him ♪

You know, when he hums,

the hair in his ears
moves in and out

like a child's party favor.

Oh, yeah, and the... And the
nose hairs, they sort of spread

like a geisha-girl fan.

That's right. Keep
dancing on the minefield.

Now, concentrate.

♪ Hm-hm-him ♪

"Itsy Bitsy Spider"? No.

"Go Tell Pharaoh." No!

Come on.

This is a song from my youth.

"Look, It's a Wheel"?

Peg, honey,

before we're all
knee-deep in your blood,

um, why don't you
go over by the radio

and listen to see if
they play my song.

You are just determined

to win that Nobel "Putz" Prize
this year, aren't you, honey?

Listen, I have the perfect plan

to figure this whole thing out.

Now, what we'll do
is, we'll just sit here,

and we'll name every song
that was ever made until we get it.

Now, I'll start.

"Mandy."

Uh... "Dem bones,
dem bones, dem..."

Oh, shut up.

I told you never to
play with this man.

Now, give it up, Al.

I'm sure there is no such song.

It's probably a
shoe hallucination.

I mean, your face
is in feet all day long,

something's gotta give.

Why not something
fragile, like your mind?

It is a song. Rick
Cool played it.

I heard it.

And I will find
it or die trying.

Peg, have they
played the song yet?

Shh!

Our next call on Why Me?

Comes once again from Peggy B.,

calling from the
Bundy household.

You're on, Peggy.
What's Al done this time?

Well, he heard a song,

and he can't remember
the name of it,

so he's holding me and
the neighbors hostage.

Help us!

Help us! He's mad,
I tell you! Mad...

Mad, am I?

I'm not doing anything any
rational man wouldn't do.

Now, you get that
oldies station back on,

or the walls will be your tombs.

All of you!

Oh, come on, Al.

The chances of them playing
that song are a million-to-one...

♪ Go with him ♪

"Go With Him!"

"Go With Him!"

"Go With Him." "Go With Him."

That must be the
name of my song.

Groovy song, wasn't it?

You know, a lot of people
think the name of that song

is "Go With Him,"

but it's not!

What is it? What is it?

Well, here's our third
song of 5000 in a row.

We're going for
the world's record:

two full years of
uninterrupted music.

This is Rick Cool,
the fifth Monkee,

heading home to his
depressing studio apartment

on the po' side of town.

♪ He's Rick Cool ♪

♪ For the middle-aged ♪

Hey, look, Garfield got his
whiskers full of mayonnaise.

Uh-oh. Here come the ants.

Oh, enough.

I want to talk to you.

Oh, look.

The ants are carrying
off the "la-sag-nee."

Oh, grab her.

You've got worse
beatings for less.

What are you looking at me for?

If I wasn't so tiny,

I'd be wild-thinging her myself.

You really think so?

Go. Go. Go. Go.

Go. Go. Go.

Go. Go. Go.

Oh, I hate my life.

Can't eat, can't sleep,

can't bury the wife
in the back yard.

I'm beside myself
with depression.

Did you ever have anything

you were so close to,

it was literally on
the tip of your tongue,

but you just
couldn't quite get it?

Yes. Yes.

Al. Honey.

If you're gonna bring
Preparation H to bed,

could you at least remember
to put the top back on.

I mean, God, it just
takes me forever

to scrub it out of the
sheets with your toothbrush.

I got bigger things
on my mind now, Peg.

That song is haunting me.

You know, Mr. Bundy,

if you're really
looking for a record,

my father knows
every oldie ever made.

Oh. No, Al. Please.

If my feelings mean
anything to you,

you will not invite
that man to my home.

♪ Go with him ♪

Mighty familiar, Al.

You came to the right guy.

Do you know the song?

No.

But I do know the complete theme

to The Patty Duke Show.

♪ Well, they're cousins ♪

♪ Identical cousins
All their lives ♪

♪ They walk alike
They talk alike... ♪

And why not? They're
both Patty Duke.

Gee, Charlie.

You're still the same clown
prince of unemployment

you were when those
shoes and shirt were in style.

It's that cigarette lighter

that I found in a couch
at your wedding, right?

Let... Let me
explain about that.

Ya see, to you, that lighter
was just a sterling silver,

antique cigarette lighter

with your mother's
initials on it,

in pure gold with one diamond.

But to me, it was a
keepsake of the memory

of the most beautiful
bride I'd ever seen.

A memory that remained with me

long after I hocked the lighter.

And if I may say so, Peggy...

that beauty has
not faded one bit.

Really, Charlie?

That's so sweet.

Hey.

It's right from the heart.

I mean, when I
look in your face,

the only words that
come to my mind are:

Final Vinyl.

That's the store you have
to go to get that record, Al.

Final Vinyl.

Peg, didn't I tell you
that this man was great?

Oh, uh, by the
way, Charlie, uh...

how about that 20
bucks you owe me?

You know, it's
only been 10 years.

I must take my leave now.

Come, Vincent.

Goodbye to you, Al...

and to your two
lovely daughters.

Charlie.

Yes, enchantress?

My watch.

I was gonna get it
engraved for you.

Till we meet again.

Did you get anything? No.

Too bad. They
got some nice stuff.

"Green Door" by Jim Lowe.

♪ Mm-hm-mm With
the hm and a knife ♪

"Wolverton Mountain,"
Claude King. Aisle three.

♪ Mmm-mm-mm flown Yeah ♪

"Any Day Now," Chuck
Jackson. Aisle four.

Peg, this guy's a genius.

We're home.

♪ Go with him ♪

Never heard of it.

Next.

What a surprise.

Thank you.

Not even this, huh?

What is it?

Is Oprah right?

Are you a big, fat woman?

All I wanted was a
45... A stinking 45

the record or the gun.

I'll even settle for
the damn malt liquor.

Just this once can you show
that you can love even Al Bundy?

♪ Go with him ♪

♪ Ah-ahh ♪

♪ But Anna ♪

That's it! That's my song!

Thank you, thank you.

Uh... I'll be back for
only one more request.

It involves a
thunderbolt and, uh...

That's my song! That's my song.

That's "Anna."
"Anna" on the jukebox.

I want it. How much is it?

Well, since you're
a good customer,

and obviously a
ranting, raving loon,

you can have it for $60.

Sixty dollars?

For a record?

Hey, look, you must look at
my husband and mistake crazy

for stupid.

He is not paying
you $60 for a record.

And if he does,
I will kiss your...

Peg, this is the best
$60 I ever spent.

Except for the day
before the day I met you,

this is the happiest
day of my life.

Peg, I'm going to play this
record over and over again

until my ears bleed.

Honey, where's my record player?

With all your stuff.

In a box in the corner
of the basement.

Uh, honey. Come
with me while I get it.

I want to share my joy.

After you, my love.

Well, at least you're
acting like a gentleman.

Just not sure why.

Thank you, honey.

Uh, I-I couldn't remember
which step was loose.

Well, another great night.

Look. You have
to tell me right now.

Why do you keep
asking your shoulders

if you should go for it?

I mean, are they
magic shoulders?

If shoulders are
talking about me,

I have a right to know.

No. There's nothing
on my shoulder.

Some say not even my head.

But I digest.

Nothing.

'Tis just as the poet said:

'Twas the wind.

No.

'Twas the raven.

No.

Actually, 'Twas a quoth.

Oh, enough.

If I wanted intelligent
conversation,

I'd still be dating my teachers.

Now, kiss me,
or I will kill you.

Now, that didn't hurt, did it?

No.

Actually, it ranks
right up there

with finding
money in the street.

Well, then, what
took you so long?

Well...

actually, I was
afraid of your father.

But as we all learned

from that moving
Jimmy Piersall story,

you've nothing to fear,
but fear strikes out.

Churchill, I believe. Mm.

And besides, your
father likes me.

I think we're gonna
be great friends.