Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 5, Episode 16 - All-Nite Security Dude - full transcript

Do you, Peggy Wanker,

take this man to be your
lawful wedded husband?

I do.

And do you, Mel Gibson,
take Peggy Wanker...

Oh, he does.

He does, he does.

Peg, you'll never
guess what happened

at the shoe store today.

Tongue caught in
the shoe sizer again?

You civilians never realize

what a highly sophisticated
piece of equipment that is.



All right. Tell me
what happened.

Well, you know that new
aerobics center up above me?

The one with the sign,
quarter ton discount?

Well, today they played
Van Halen's "Jump."

And damned if the
whole herd didn't.

It was awful, Peg.

The ceiling opened up,

down they came,
blocking out the sun.

I experienced cellulite winter.

God, the "humongity."

Peg, I could have been killed.

Well,

I think you got
what you deserved,

going by there every morning,



yelling "is that a Milky
Way on the floor?"

Hey, hey, hey.

I was helping.

They lost a lot more weight

wrestling with each other
for that imaginary candy

than they did twisting

to Hammer's "Please
Don't Hurt Me."

But, now, on to the
sadder side of the news.

The shoe store
decided to lay me off

while they fix the ceiling.

And as an added bonus,

as long as the store is closed,

I don't get paid.

Oh, my God.

Can the economy stand the hit?

Do you think that you can?

Anyway, don't worry.

I told 'em that I
might not be there

when they call me back.

And what did they say?

They said that they'd...

They'd take that gamble.

Oh, hi, kids.

I'm afraid I have some bad news.

I'm afraid the wacky,
luxurious lifestyle

we've become
accustomed to is no longer.

The Bundys of
Bel Air are no more.

Yes, Daddy's been laid off.

Well, we won't
lose Tara, will we?

Oh, Al.

Surely you can see the humor
in a man who makes no money

saying he lost his job.

Yeah, I mean, come on, Dad.

That's like Kelly saying
she lost her mind.

I don't get it.

Well, at least this
time it's not just us.

Everybody's feeling the
pinch of this recession.

Money's tight all over.

Come see our matching BMWs.

Well,

they're not exactly matching.

My license plate
says "Love her."

And mine says "Love him."

Al, why don't you
get a license plate

that tells the world
how you feel?

Because "kill me" was
taken by your father.

Uh, excuse me,

but if only to if only to
rub this in my father's face,

can you tell us
how you can afford

two major cars like those?

Well, as anyone with a little
bit of business savvy knows,

these are the times
that make millionaires.

And paupers.

Anyway, I... I can't
go into details,

but through a little inside
tip in the stock market,

I'd say I made a penny or two.

You made $60,000,
you little honey puddle.

I did not. Did too.

Did not. Did too.

All right.

I did.

Oh, yeah?

Well, my Al here
made a penny or two.

Literally.

Of course, his is coming
from unemployment

because he's lost his job.

So do you think you could
loan us a couple of bucks?

You know, just enough
to keep that Mary Kay lady

from breaking my kneecaps.

I can do better than that.

For as a wise man once said,

if you want a man to eat,
you don't hand him a fish.

You teach him to be a fisherman.

So, what do you say, Al?

You wanna come down to my club

and bus tables on fish night?

It doesn't pay much,
but no one will be looking

if you want to
take a little butter

back to the wife and kids.

- Daddy, please, please?
- Please, please, Dad.

Get away from me,
you pride-less vermin!

I was not born to be a bus boy.

I'm a shoe man, born
and bred, damn it.

And there's not a
shoe store in this town

that wouldn't pay a dollar
and a quarter an hour

to have the best.

You hear my words.

I will not let my family starve.

I will not.

We're already starving.

Listen, Dad.

There's something at the school

that you just might
be qualified for.

What? Principal?

Vice principal? Dean of boys?

Well, security
guard's not too bad.

Got a cool uniform.

A sense of
independence, little stick.

Let all wrongdoers beware.

Those who would perpetrate
evil, must answer to me.

Al Bundy,

security dude.

Oh, God,

this can't be happening to me!

Can this be true?

Am I not a man I
laughed at as a child?

Hi, Dad.

Oh. Hi, son.

It's not the way it
looks. I was just, uh,

crying on the floor.

Yeah, Dad, I know.

Thought we were going to a club.

And remember our deal.

We go, you pay.

If I don't find anybody cool,

I'll come sit next
to you for a while.

Dad, this girl really likes me.

Can I have some money?

Son, I know you see the uniform,

and you think, uh,
another millionaire

working school
security for kicks.

But, uh,

once I wore a different uniform.

A prouder uniform.

Once, I roamed
these halls like a king.

Dad, please.

Look at that trophy
over there, son.

Polk High, city
championship, 1966.

I won that baby.

I still remember the day.

Not the story.

It was the last
game of the year.

Polk High versus
Andrew Johnson High.

Two great teams
of equal strength.

Dad, she's not wearing a bra.

Finally, we met on
the field of battle.

Came down to two great players.

Yours truly,

and a guy from Andrew Johnson
High they called "Spare Tire."

Why, because he was fat?

No. Because he wore one
with a chain around his neck.

Anyhow,

finally, it came down
to the final seconds.

Scoreless game.

We had the ball
on the 6-yard line.

They said, "Give
the ball to Bundy."

Everyone knew I was getting it.

Hut one!

Hut two!

I got the ball, and I
went through that line

like Grandma through
a herd of cattle.

I was going for a sure six...

When all of a sudden,
on the 1-yard line,

loomed Spare
Tire, waiting for me.

We collided like
two bull elephants.

When it was over,

they were shouting only
one elephant's name.

Al Bundy.

I scored, son.

The winning touchdown!

Son...

that's the story

of the greatest sport
moment in all of history.

You know, Dad,

some say your knee was
down before you crossed...

My knee was not down!

That's a dirty, stinking lie!

The victory was ours.

For the school,
the championship.

For me?

All-city.

And the legend.

And your mother.

The end.

Oh, God!

You know, when
my dad got like that,

we shot him.

You thought he was my father?

Heck, no, Dad's his name.

You know, like,
uh, Pops the janitor?

Dad the security guard?

I'm telling you,
h-he's not my father.

Does the term "sympathy
feel" mean anything to you?

Oh, what the hell.

All is well.

Oh, I guess it's
time for a little...

security-guard break.

♪ I'm a travelin' man ♪

♪ Made a lot of stops ♪

♪ All over the world ♪

♪ And in every port, I ♪

♪ Meet one lovely girl ♪

Yeah, this john ain't so bad.

♪ All but one man died ♪

♪ There at Bitter Creek ♪

♪ And they say he ran away ♪

♪ Branded! ♪

♪ Scorned is the one who ran ♪

♪ What do you do
when you're branded ♪

♪ And you know you're a man? ♪

♪ Wherever you go ♪

♪ For the rest of your life ♪

♪ You must prove ♪

♪ You're a man ♪

Gee, honey.

Think you might
change your shirt today?

Why bother?

What can I do when I'm branded,

and I know I'm a man?

I must find my bowl.

Oh, honey, you do
the best you can.

It's just that it's
dark at night,

and you get groggy, and...

Not that bowl,

you whinnying ninny of a woman.

My championship bowl.

If only I had a clue.

Get that, will you, Peg?

Gee, Al.

It's a note.

"If you want the trophy,

"come to Johnson
High at 8 tonight.

"Alone, or the trophy dies.

P.S. You stink."

Gee, honey, this must be
someone who knows you.

Peg, this sounds like
the clue I'm looking for.

This man sounds like
he knows something.

I'm going after him, Peg.

I might not be coming back.

Oh, honey,

please come back.

You're worried about
me, aren't you, babe?

'Course, I'm worried.

Tomorrow's garbage day.

I'm not getting up
early to lug it out.

You.

Spare Tire Dixon.

Why'd you do it?

Why'd you steal my trophy?

I took it because
it belongs to me.

That was our championship.

You never made it
past that goal line.

I dropped you like
third-period French.

Your knee was down.

Was not! Was too!

Was not! Was too!

Not! Too!

Not! Too!

Wait a second, what
were we talking about?

Um...

Let's see, I didn't
get no dinner.

Took the bus. And I had
come through the door.

Damn kids took the
car. Ran out of gas.

Oh, yeah.

Trophy!

The trophy you
cheated me out of.

Should've been mine, Bundy.

Headline should've read,

"Spare Tire crushes unidentified
white man at goal line."

I was supposed
to play college ball.

But it never happened.

You know why?

You're too stupid?

No.

It was because after that game,

I fell into a deep depression.

And I turned where
too many kids before me

turned to drown their sorrows...

pie.

Come tryouts,

I could no longer get
in a three-point stance

unless there was
a pie on the floor.

My career was over.

You stole the glory that
should have been mine.

I had a little bit of glory,
yeah, but you had pie.

And I haven't eaten in 19 years.

I'd give you that trophy
right now for a piece of pie.

So pardon me if I don't
cry for you, Argentina.

But I sell women's
shoes, and I'm married.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I'll bet your
mother-in-law

doesn't look like this.

No. My mother-in-law
looks like this.

Okay, okay.

Let's talk quality of life.

Let's talk my
best pair of socks.

Nice try, Spare Tire.

But get a gander
at my best socks.

Whoa!

Now...

step aside.

'Cause I'm taking that
trophy back where it belongs.

To Polk High.

And not for me,
but for the children.

So they can look at that trophy

and know that they
too can peak at 17.

Gimme my trophy.

You want that trophy?

Well, here's how you can get it.

There's the line, Bundy.

The only way you're
taking this trophy

is by getting past me.

Come on, Bundy.

On the count of three.

Three.

Let's rock.

Nice run, Bundy.

Nice... Nice hit, Spare Tire.

We were two pretty good
athletes back then, weren't we?

Hey, we're still great athletes!

I'm hurt real bad, you know.

Me too.

I can't get up.

Me neither.

Sleepy time now?

Oh, yes.