Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 5, Episode 10 - One Down, Two to Go - full transcript

We'll be right back

with more on Dateless
Dude Late Night Theater.

Do you like to be spanked?

Well, I'm looking for
some naughty boys

who need my special
brand of discipline.

Just dial the number
you see on the screen.

And remember, kids,

be sure to ask your
parents' permission.

Let's go!

Hello?

Yes, I-I've been bad.



Do what?

Well, if I have to.

Pretty cool, Bud.

Uh... that was Buck's mother.

Well, he didn't wanna
talk to her so I just...

Yeah, save it for
the psychiatrist, Bud.

Now, why don't you
just go on upstairs

and Nick-at-Nite
yourself to sleep?

I need use of the couch.

I was here first.

And besides, last time you
and a victim used the couch,

we had to de-flea it.

Or have you forgotten
about the Lester incident?

Hey, I got a brother
named Lester.



Do you?

Look, Kel...

why should you be
stuck downstairs?

You're 18. You can
do what you want.

I mean, you don't
have to use the sofa

or the back seat of a car.

Or that dirty pile of laundry

you used last night with Mongo.

No.

I got a brother named Mongo.

You're right.

I am an adult.

I mean, why am I
sneaking boys in the house?

I'm not 12 anymore.

Come on, let's go upstairs

and play Strip
Nintendo like adults.

All right.

Oh, hi, Daddy.

I'm 18, and I can
do whatever I want.

This is Jake.

Hi. We're goin' to Kelly's room.

Hold my calls.

Hi, Jake. Uh, I'm sorry
Kelly didn't introduce us.

But before you go to the room,

let me, uh, introduce you
to the rest of the house.

This is the end of the banister.

Oh, and, uh, meet my wall.

Now, what's that, Jake? You
say, "How do you get out?"

Well, how 'bout the door?

No, please don't.

Oh, don't worry about it.

Don't be a stranger.

Gee, Bud, judging
by where he landed,

I'd say I'm about 8, 10 inches

from my record toss of 20 feet.

I believe that was, uh...

Uh, Larry.

Hey, I got a brother
named Larry.

Daddy, we have to talk.

I'm 18, and I have my rights.

Believe her, Dad. She's
heard them plenty enough.

She has the right
to remain silent,

the right to an attorney...

Don't you have to get
on your hands and knees

and call somebody?

Come on, Daddy. Why
can't I do what I want?

Al, honey, I need
my tushy rubbed.

You see what can happen

when you sneak into
somebody's bedroom

before you're married?

Well, I want my
rights in this house.

And I am gonna hold my breath

until you understand
that I am an adult.

I'm holding it.

I am not breathing.

I'm really serious this time.

I think I'm blacking out.

There, I've done
it. I've blacked out.

Are you happy now?

She may need
mouth-to-mouth, Dad.

Should I call some
street-corner bums?

It is just those kind
of inseminations

that make Daddy
think I'm a bad girl.

Oops, I breathed.

God, this is hard.

How do those guys on submarines

hold their breath for so long?

Uh, pumpkin...

in order for a
house to be a home,

only one can make the rules.

And in this house,
those rules...

are made by the man.

Daddy, if you won't
listen to reason,

then I am just gonna have
to get my own place to live.

Sweetheart, threats
don't work on me.

No one's rubbing my tush!

You see, I've
already been to hell.

She's leavin', Al.

Do you know what that means?

It means we're old.

Old, Al.

It's not so hard for you.

You've been old.

I just never thought
this would happen to me.

Here it comes.

Am I getting old?

How would I know?
I never look at you.

Well, Dad...

I guess this is au revoir.

Mom...

Adidas.

Oh.

All right now, there, missy.

I think we've played this
charade a little bit too long.

Now, you don't fool
me for one minute,

but look at your mother.

You got her so worried,

she's looking every
bit her 50 years.

I'm sorry, Daddy,

but if you won't
respect me as an adult,

I have no choice but
to be my own mistress.

Hey, what do you mean, 50?

Where'd you get 50?

Well, 'cause 100 was
taken by your mother.

Now...

pumpkin, let me
explain something to you.

Don't be fooled by
Couchise over here.

In the real world,

you can't find a place
to live without money.

I have money.

Two hundred and
forty-six dollars.

She's leaving, Al.

Say something to her.

Pumpkin, could you loan
your old dad a couple of bucks?

There's this new
bowling ball I want.

You know, blue with a swirl?

It's only $80. You
know I'm good for it.

Goodbye, Mom.

Oh!

She's gone.

Al, our baby's gone.

Hold me.

Well, I didn't hold you when we
conceived her. Why start now?

Oh, Al.

There, there, old
one. There, there.

Al, I'm really gettin' worried.

Kelly promised that she'd call.

And it's been six hours.

A-and yet you were okay
when she used to go to drive-ins

in a van that read
"Virgin Sacrifice Tour '90."

You know, not
everybody in ripped jeans,

no underwear and a black hood

is a bad influence, honey.

Go away, Peg.

Al, was I a good mother?

You're not even a good smoke.

Oh, Bud,

my son,

where are you going?

Honey, don't
forget a jacket, heh.

Mom, it's 80 degrees outside.

Come here.

Let me feel your head.

Gee, it's kind of lumpy, heh.

I... I never
noticed that before.

Bud, was I a good mother?

Well, you must have been.

I was the only 8-month-old baby

who knew how to
change his own diaper.

Well, I wish you would
have said something.

Anyhow, from now on,

I am really gonna
be a great mom.

You'll see. We'll
be just like pals.

♪ Hush, little baby ♪

♪ Don't you cry ♪

♪ Mama's gonna
give you A pizza pie ♪

Uh, Dad?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I didn't see you
rushin' and helpin' me

when I was rubbin' her
butt, lo, those many years.

There's a 10-spot
in it for you, Dad.

Oh, all right.

Peg...

Leave the boy go.

But I need someone to hug.

You're on your own, son.

I'll get it.

Oh, my baby.

Oh. Mom, I'm warning you.

Hello?

Hi, Kelly.

Okay, yeah, I'll tell them.

Bye.

She got an apartment.

♪ And if that pizza
pie Don't sing ♪

♪ Mama's gonna buy
you A chicken wing ♪

My little baby.

Just a little, wittle,
wuddle, luddle man.

Open the hangar.

Here it comes.

Help me.

What are you complainin' about?

At least you're eatin'.

You'll never leave
your mommy, will you?

Why would I go out
with a girl my age,

when I can stay home

and be oiled and powdered

by my insane mother?

Oh, Al, what will I do
when he's too big to cuddle?

That's it. That does it for me.

If you need me, I'll be upstairs

writing my
soon-to-be-published...

How to Stay Cool While
Mommy Watches You Tinkle.

Pookie, can we talk?

Oh, sure. I just have to
mash 'nanas for Bud's lunch.

Well, I didn't
wanna interrupt you

while you were, um,
emasculating our son,

but, uh, Peg, I
suspect your mind,

uh, much like the lost
continent of Atlantis,

no longer appears on any map.

You know, Al, kids
grow up so darn fast.

Let's have another baby.

Gee, Peg, there's
a couple of things

I'd rather do first.

Uh, I'd rather dive
off the Sears Tower

headfirst into a thumbtack.

Or I'd rather bait a crocodile

with my manhood.

Which, I believe, is what
got me into this mess.

Oh, wait a minute.
I... But I forgot.

You're as loony as a tune.

So of course, we can
have another child.

Oh, look,

here comes our baby now.

Let's call him Insane-O.

The product of our love.

You don't even
miss Kelly, do you?

Nope.

You are an unfeeling brute.

I must bathe my boy.

Oh, Bud?

Here comes Mommy.

Get out the ducky sponge.

I'm not an unfeeling brute.

She's 18. She oughta be gone.

If I didn't get to lick
the mashed 'nana bowl,

I'd be gone too.

Today on Oprah:

parents who just
don't give a damn

and grew old and depressed

because their children
left and won't talk to them.

Daddy, can I have

a Buddy Burger?

No, honey, you've
had too many already.

Then I hate you,

and I'm running away forever.

Bonnie did run away,

into the path of
a speeding truck.

The moral is, have us
scrape one off the grill

so you don't have to
scrape one off the street.

♪ Buddy Buddy Buddy Burgers ♪

♪ Made with love ♪

And lard!

Excuse me, Al.

I'd like you to meet
my new boyfriend, Sam.

Al...

tell Sam what
you do for a living.

Well, I...

I sell shoes.

And how long have
you been doing this?

Twenty years.

And finally, exactly
how old are the socks

you're wearing on your feet?

Not quite as old as
the hair on your legs.

I'm glad you're here, Marce.

I have to talk to you.

Uh, you know Kelly, don't you?

Blond, pretty.

Her boyfriends sometimes climb

into my room by mistake?

Yes, believe I
know the young lady.

Well, if she had $246,

she could find a...

A nice place to
live, couldn't she?

Two hundred and
forty-six dollars?

Well, with money like
that to throw around,

you gotta figure
she's either living

in a Big Gulp cup...

or she's selli"
her body for Pez.

Why do you ask?

Well, she moved out.

Think I should go get her?

Absolutely not.

Now, this is Kelly's first step

towards independence.

I mean, even if she's
starving and freezing to death

and setting a rat
on fire for heat,

she's still better off.

I mean, if you go
and rescue her,

you are only going to reinforce

the traditional role

of female subservience to men.

And it's something I
find personally odious.

Let's see some knee, babe.

So don't worry.

It may not be and
easy road, but...

Stop that, you scamp.

But I think Kelly
is perfectly capable

of surviving on her own.

On her own. On
her own. On her own.

♪ You're the end
Of the rainbow ♪

♪ My pot of gold ♪

♪ You're Daddy's Little girl ♪

♪ To have and hold ♪

♪ A precious gem ♪

♪ Is what you are ♪

♪ And you're ♪

♪ Daddy's ♪

♪ Little girl ♪

♪ And you're Daddy's ♪

♪ Little girl ♪

So all I'm trying
to say here is,

with a little luck,

Kelly will turn out to be

as strong and independent

as the woman you see before you.

Give me some lip, baby.

I'm coming, pumpkin!

Daddy.

Hi, pumpkin.

I came to see how you're doin'.

Well, come in.

I, uh...

I brought you somethin'.

Pez?

Yeah, I-I-I... You know, I
didn't want you to have to...

You know, do anything for 'em.

Hey, this is some
place. This is...

Wow, a TV.

Is that a cable box? Mm-hm.

Wow.

Gee, what's blowin' on my neck?

It's the air
conditioning, Daddy.

Ohhh.

Well, what else you got here?

Nice.

Great Caesar's ghost!

You were worried about
me, weren't you, Daddy?

Move over, Kelly.

You know, I'm really
sorry... Mustard.

I wanted to call... Knife.

Mmmm.

Mm.

Uh, Kelly...

how do you afford a place
like this on only $246?

Well, I'm kind of
sharing the place.

My roommate takes care

of most of the bills.

Honey, I'm here.

Mm, don't you look nice.

And, uh, who are you?

Oh, I'm the guy that did this.

Daddy, you don't understand.

Oh, I understand.

Old guy, young
girl, fancy apartment,

cold cuts like
there's no tomorrow.

I know what's goin' on.

I'm so upset, I can
hardly eat this sandwich!

Daddy,

what happened?

Dad, meet Brooke.

My roommate.

You killed my Daddy!

You mean, you're
not havin' an affair

with my daughter?

Of course not.

You really do care, don't you?

Well, sure, I do.

You're my little girl.

Uh, I think he's
swallowing his tongue.

You know, pumpkin,

maybe we can bend

a few of those old rules,

if you come home.

Can I have boys in my room?

Well, let's take that on
a case-by-case basis.

Well, obviously, neutering
doesn't do a damn thing.

Hi, Kel.

Um, I was just
scaring off the cat

that keeps calling here.

Bud, either get a
girl or get a collar.

Well, I guess you two
will be needing the couch.

Oh, Jake, on your way out,

check out our file
of free clinics nearby.

Thanks, dog boy.

Well, we won't be
needing the couch.

Dad and I have an agreement.

We're going to my room.

Are you sure?

My left eye still wanders
from the last time.

Oh, don't worry.

Daddy is just a
big, old teddy bear.

Hi, Daddy. We're
going to my room,

as per our agreement.

Hi, Mr. Bundy. Remember me?

So long, Jake.

So long, Al.

I do believe that's a record.