Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 5, Episode 1 - We'll Follow the Sun - full transcript

The Bundys decide to go for a drive--on Labor Day. They spend the better part of the holiday sitting in traffic, arguing with one another, and picking fights with neighboring motorists.

[♪♪♪]

MAN [ON RADIO]: Hey, Chicago,

what a day for a daydream.

Show me an unhappy man
today, and I'll show you a...

A shoe salesman, Jim.

Twentieth-century
blacksmith, a working man,

an idiot.

I'll feel better after I
have a nice cup of coffee.

[SIGHS]

Life is good.

Hi, honey.



Heh-heh. Did you miss me?

With every bullet so far.

Well,

maybe you need a
bigger gun, sweetheart.

Not that I don't love
your itty-bitty one.

What got you up
before noon, Peg?

Oh, a foul, evil wind.

You were snoring through
your nose, mouth and ears.

But I forgive you
because today is the day

the new fall preview issue
of TV Guide comes out.

Oh, look at it,
Al. It's still warm.

Mm-hm.

Well, pass it over my coffee.

Are you so jaded that
even the new TV season



doesn't get you going?

I mean, look at these new shows.

"Everything's Comin' up Maggie.

High jinks ensue when Maggie..."

Chastity Bono.

[CHUCKLES]

"accidentally
becomes vice president

of the United States."

Saturdays.

Ooh, and look.

"We Are Family.

A Chinese family
with three children."

[LAUGHING] Oh. I get it.

We Are Fami-Lee.

[LAUGHS]

Ah, Jesus.

It's here! It's here!

My high school diploma.

I couldn't wait for
the mailman to come,

so I just took it
out of his truck.

I am a high school graduate.

Read it to me, Mom.

What does it say?
What does it say?

Oh, Al, isn't this exciting?

Oh, leave me alone.

Good morning, everybody.

Any chicks call for
me this morning?

Yeah, the, uh,

Malaysian mail-order
bride company called.

No takers.

Apparently, even
poor, hungry women

from the Third World
think they can do better.

Yuck it up, future
welfare mother.

The babes will be
calling aplenty soon.

I'm a senior now.

A mover. A shaker.

I'm the man.

I've got the juice.

Yup.

When I was a freshman,

they flushed my
head down the toilet.

When I was a sophomore,

they flushed my
head down the toilet.

When I was a junior,
I was getting cool,

so they let me flush it myself.

But now, I'm a senior
and ready to rule.

This year, he's back.

He's cool. He's dry.

Until he goes to sleep.

Oh, Al, our little
man. Heh-heh-heh.

Go away.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

I'm home!

Marcie, you don't live here.

I know.

No one actually lives here.

I meant I'm back from
my two weeks' vacation.

You didn't know I was gone?

So you didn't remember
to air out my house,

or water the plants,
or feed the goldfish?

[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

Oh, well. At least my
life is back on track.

I spent my two
weeks off at a seminar:

"You Are What You Were."

So you are a chicken.

With a bad haircut.

You know, that would
have bothered me before,

when I was what I'm not.

But now that I am what I was,

I was what I am.

Stand back, she's getting
ready to eat spinach,

and then her
tattoo will get all big.

You moron, it's not
I yam what I yam.

That's '80s.

The point is, I'm confident

and renewed.

So confident, in fact,

that I stopped by my bank
and demanded my old job back.

And after 20 minutes of frugging
on my boss' desk in my slip,

while the other tellers
tossed quarters at me,

I am once again what I was:

a dignified bank manager.

[LAUGHS]

Ah, gee, Al, isn't this great?

Everybody has the
start of a whole new life,

except for you and the dog.

[BARKING]

Well, that all but throws
the dirt in my face.

Everybody, I have
an announcement.

Your happiness

sickens me.

Everybody but me is
looking at good times.

But for me, it's been one

long continuous year
since I got married.

Actually, one long month.

Helluary.

But I'm not bold enough
to expect happiness.

I know that wasn't meant for me.

But what I'd like
one time in my life

is for something
new to happen to me.

Something special.

You're right, honey.

You know what you need?

A good night job.

Is that all I am to you?

An oxen to be
worked in the field

until he drops dead?

Well, gee, honey.

What did you think
you were to us?

Well, perhaps husband,

perhaps father.

Perhaps the man
who's about to run amuck

with a meat cleaver if
he doesn't have any fun!

Now, family, I've
just made a decision.

We're going on a
Labor Day vacation.

Oh, no way. Aw. Aw.

Shut up.

But, honey, what about
the new TV season?

I do not want to miss
the special premiere

of Grandmaster and the Gopher.

"It's an hour drama
with comic overtones

"about a rapper who goes
to the center of the Earth

and raps with the mole people."

Oh, and look. Sally
Struthers is the queen.

Oh, Mom.

[LAUGHS]

I am talking about vacation,

litter of my loins.

Now, I shall tell you
where we will holiday.

We're gonna go where
people pretend they want to go

when they can't afford
to go someplace good.

We're gonna see America.

We take no map,
we'll follow the sun.

We'll stay in cheap motels

and steal what we
need along the way.

We go west,

past the cheese factories,
where the air is fresh,

sky is big,

and a man can still kill
his dinner with his car.

Guys, tomorrow, we
put the pedal to the metal,

and we ride with the wind.

[ENGINES IDLING]

[HORNS HONK IN DISTANCE]

Gee, Al, uh, think
you could slow down?

My hair is just
whipping in the wind.

He's not scaring
you, is he, kids?

Sorry, Mom.

I couldn't hear you over
the roar of the engine.

Come on, leave Daddy alone.

I mean, how could
he possibly know

that there would be a
traffic jam on Labor Day?

Shut up.

Al, we have not moved
an inch in two hours.

Peg, I can hear
that in our bedroom.

Now, just shut up and
let me enjoy myself.

I could hear that in
our bedroom too, honey.

[CHUCKLES]

Ah, I'm not gonna let
you ruin this for me, Peg.

Yep, this is my vacation,
and I'm havin' fun.

[TAKES A DEEP BREATH]

I'm lovin' this.

[HORN HONKS] Move! Move!

I can't take anymore.

[SOBBING] Oh,
God, you're killing me.

Move! Move! [HORN HONKS]

[HONKS]

Daddy?

What?

Are we there yet?

If you don't shut up,

I'm gonna put the car
in park and just sit here.

BOTH: Oooh!

Peg, could you control
them? I'm trying to drive.

Will we be back by
next Thursday, honey?

Look.

"Nun of This.

"About a nun who's had enough.

"Karen Valentine is Sister Lash.

Your worst nightmare:
a nun with a gun."

Enough, woman!

Now, I know what'll
take our minds off this.

How 'bout a family sing-along?

Well, I don't know, honey.

You sure you can sing

and pay attention to the
road at the same time?

Don't make me pull over, Peg.

Okay. With me.

♪ Oh, the cow kicked Nellie
In the belly in the barn ♪

♪ Oh, the cow kicked Nellie
In the belly in the barn ♪

♪ The cow kicked Nellie
In the belly in the barn ♪

♪ And the farmer said
It would do no harm ♪

♪ Second verse
Same as the first ♪

♪ A little bit louder
But a little bit worse ♪

Everybody.

♪ Oh, the cow kicked Nellie
In the belly in the barn... ♪

MAN: Hey!

Would you shut the hell up!

Are you talking to me?

No. I'm yelling at you.

Shut the hell up!

♪ Oh ♪

ALL: ♪ The cow kicked
Nellie In the belly in the barn ♪

♪ The cow kicked
Nellie In the belly ♪

♪ In the barn ♪
Hey, I said...

shut up!

And if I don't?

Then you'll be gummin'
"The Cow Kicked Nellie."

Take the wheel, Peg.

Now, look, pal,

if you want trouble
with me, you...

[YELLS]

PEG: Honey!

Al!

Honey, we are in the
middle of the expressway.

Yes, Gerry, don't you
have anything better to do

than to pick a
fight with a moron?

Just who are you calling moron?

Your husband,
you painted huss...

[SCREAMS]

Fight!

KELLY: Whoo! Yeah!

[WOMAN YELPING]

Gerry!

Gerry! Gerry!

[ENGINES STARTING]

Al!

We're moving!

Come on, honey. Let's go.

Here we go.

Is that it?

Yeah.

Let's go.

Honey, I'm just
gonna reason with him.

After all, we're human beings,
right? We're not animals...

[FLY BUZZING]

Oh, please.

What's wrong with you people?

All right, so I made
a teeny little mistake

actually leaving on
Labor Day, but it's done.

We're in hell, let's enjoy it.

It's our vacation,
for God's sake.

Just look around.

Tell me what you see.

I can see our house.

Great, Dad.

Five hours on the road
and we're almost home.

Dope. Idiot.

Buffoon.

I-I got another idea.

Oh, put up the top, so
we don't get a windburn?

That's it! I'm flooring
it right into this bus!

Dad, no! No, Dad!

No, no, no, Al!

Honey, no, no, it's
okay. We love you.

What's your idea, sweetie?

We love you, Daddy.

Well, uh, I was gonna
say, let's play geography.

You know, I'll name
a state or a country,

and the next person names one

that begins with the letter
the last one ended with.

Sound good?

Sounds great.

Oh, man, let's play.

You start, Daddy.

Okay.

Alaska.

A.

Peg?

Asia.

Bud? A.

Africa.

Kel? A.

Honey, she's really trying.

I know. I know.

Hey, we need some music.

That'll get us out of this.

How 'bout some good
old American road music?

[MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYING]

[DIAL CHANGES]

[WOMAN SINGING IN SPANISH]

[TURNS OFF RADIO]

Al?

What?

Honey, I have to
go to the bathroom.

But don't you worry about it.

I... I'm just gonna
run back to the house,

and I'll be right back.

Alabammer.

Daddy. R.

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

[CAR HORN HONKS IN DISTANCE]

Hello. Heh-heh-heh.

Hi.

Oh.

Boy, that takes me back.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, hello, everybody.

Hey, I'm sorry I'm late.

But I, uh... I took a
nap and ate and...

Oh, watched the premiere
of All-Night Security Dude.

You know, I think it's
the part that Erik Estrada

was born to play.

Did I miss anything?

Yes, Peg, you did.

Kids, show Mommy
what she missed.

This sucks, Daddy!
You'll rot in a lowly grave!

Why don't you take us
home? You're not my father!

BOTH: We wanna go
home! We wanna go home!

About four hours of that,
Peg, that's what you missed.

And you couldn't
wait for me, huh?

All right, look.

It's almost 9:00.

Traffic always
thins out about now.

So everybody buckle
your seat belts up,

'cause any minute now,

we ride.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

Okay, kids, rise and shine.

Where are we?

No sense in starting the
day with stupid questions.

Al, we haven't moved.

[SOBBING]

That's it. Come on,
kids. We're going home.

Now, wait a second.
Where you going?

You'll miss all the fun.

Al, you reek.

I reek?

I?

I,

Who only wanted to share
in the joy and brotherhood

of a family outing, reek?

Well, let me tell
you what reeks,

okay?

Now, what reeks

is this facade that
we call Labor Day.

Honk if you hate Labor Day!

[HORNS HONKING]

You know what else reeks?

Families reek.

Honk if you hate families!

[HORNS HONKING]

Because they are truly
the reason Labor Day reeks.

Once a year,

they're on these
highways and byways.

And what do they say?

"We hate this." "We hate you."

"Idiot." "Moron."

"Buffoon," Daddy.

"Buffoon, Daddy."

But what about us?

The ones who truly labor?

We're on this stinking
road every day,

choking and wheezing,

marching along like lemmings
to a horrible, screaming death.

Who cries for us, Argentina?

Not our families.

Well, we can't expect that.

The yoke on the
oxen feels no guilt.

But what we can expect

is that on our one
lousy, stinkin' day off,

traffic can move us

to our lousy, stinkin',
pathetic destinations.

AL: To our polluted beaches,

our burning forests,

our wheezing grandmas,

to our family barbecues

with Uncle Otto
and his runny eye.

But does the highway
department prepare for us?

Are they out here helping us?

Are they out
there in front of us,

by that first damn car
that caused this traffic jam,

saying, "Step on
the gas, you moron!

Let the 20 million people pass!"

AL: They are not.

Why?

Because they don't care.

And that, my friends,
is what really reeks.

[HORNS HONKING]

So let's face it.
We're not moving.

We're just lining up to die.

But let's show them

that the American
spirit is not dead.

So join me, will you,

on this, our Labor Day,

and get out of your cars

and tear this highway to bits!

Go into your trunks!

Get your tire irons

and your road flares!

Burn, baby, burn!

Vengeance is ours!

[CHEERING]

Al! We're moving!

Huh?

Uh, we are... moving.

Everyone!

We are moving.

In your cars.

In your cars.

Kids, let's go. Let's go.

See? I told you
to stick with me.

Now, buckle up.

Now,

we ride.

[WHEEL POPS]

[AIR HISSING]

Flat tire. Everyone out.

I'll see you next Tuesday, Al.

Come on, kids,
we can still catch

Mark Spitz and Greg
Louganis in Swim Gyms.

It's a story about
synchronized swimmers

that solve crimes
in their spare time.

Fine. Go. I don't need ya.

I got my people.

People.

I've got a flat tire.

Who will help me?

[HORNS HONKING]
MAN: Move that car!

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

Now... Now, there's no...

There's no reason
to throw things.

Now, get... Get
back in your cars.

Stay calm!

All right, let's get him!

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

[♪♪♪]