Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 2, Episode 6 - Girls Just Wanna Have Fun: Part 2 - full transcript

* Love and marriage *

* Love and marriage *

* Go together like
A horse and carriage *

* This I tell ya, brother *

* You can't have one *

* Without the other *

* Love and marriage *

* Love and marriage *

* It's an institute
You can't disparage *

* Ask the local gentry *

* And they say it's elementary *



* Try, try, try
To separate them *

* It's an illusion *

* Try, try, try *

* And you will only come
To this conclusion *

* Love and marriage **

Now, Mom, just because
the kids don't write

doesn't mean
they don't love you.

Oh. They told you
they didn't love you?

Well, they
didn't mean it.

You know our kids.

I'm sure
if you sent them some money,

they'd love you.

No, I couldn't watch
You Be The Judge today.

They put
this new streetlight up



in front of the house,

and I was watching the men
work with their shirts off.

Oh, of course
I took pictures.

Yeah, the new crime light
is real nice.

Everyone in the neighborhood
is real happy about it.

I hate those
new crime lights.

They make everything
look yellow.

This neighborhood's
ugly enough during the day

without having
to look at it at night.

I can't comment on that
right now, Mom.

Al just alked-way
in the or-day.

Pig Latin, Peg.

Must be your mother.

Tell her I said "oink."

What are all these envelopes
on the table, Peg?

Is this supper?

It's a bill
for that crime light.

A $50 assessment.

Peg, they're
charging me 50 bucks.

Gee, I wish I had someone
to pay my bills so I could go...

"Oh, gee, look, dear,
the new telephone bill came.

"Let's see...

Well, there's some
big, fat bills from Milwaukee."

Know anybody big and fat
from Milwaukee, Peg?

Hold on, Mom.

That's right, your mother.

Did she call collect again?

No, Al, I called her.

Smart shopping.

Tell her I want to talk to her.

Mom, Al has something
he wants to say to you.

You're making
too many calls, Peg.

Now, look at this bill.

Milwaukee, Milwaukee,
Milwaukee...

I'll bet this whole
thing comes to...

$253!

Family meeting!

The whole family!

KELLY:
I'm on the phone, Dad!

I said, family meeting.

Family...

Coven...

I thought we agreed
to cut down our calls.

I only made
necessary calls.

Me too.

Me too.

Who made these toll calls
at two bucks a pop?

10 times in a row here.

Who called 555-STUD?

Oh, Mom!

Who called DIAL-A-PRAYER?

I did, Dad.

But don't pay.
Kelly's still here.

Let's see what else
we have here.

Uh... sports hotline,
sports hotline,
sports hotline.

Those are okay.

Wait a second. Wait.

Vancouver? $80?

Kelly!

Sure, all eyes
turn to me.

Let me ask you this.

If I did know
somebody in Vancouver,

don't you think I'd be
living with them
and not here?

True enough. Bud?

America first, Dad.

How about it, Peg?

Your mother
gotten so fat,

she's spread
across the border?

Al, I did not call Vancouver,

and Mom is down
to nearly 200.

So nobody called
Vancouver?

Okay, it's a mistake.

I'm not paying
for mistakes.

I've been doing that
since the day I got married.

All right,
I'll call the phone company.

What's the phone company number?

Dial information.

See, that's just
what I'm talking about.

This is a perfect example
of how to save.

We want a phone number,
we use the phone book.

I was going
to burn that for heat, Al.

Oh, I'd like
to burn something...

"We find no error."

I'm on hold for 45 minutes,

listening to muzak version
of "Muskrat Love,"

and they can find no error.

Now that the kids are gone,

I ask you one more time,

did you make that call
to Vancouver?

Al, that call was made
at 9:00 in the morning.

Now, you know very well

that that is when
I go back to sleep

after you've gone to work.

I'm sorry.

I can't believe
they're going to

make me
pay for this, Peg.

Why don't you become
a game show host?

Contestant comes out
and says, "I win $10,000,"

you shrug,
I come out and pay him,

the game's over.

We'll call the show
"That Idiot Al."

Honey, I'm sure
it'll work out

one way or another.
Now, just go to sleep.

Oh, I'm sure
it will work out.

I pay for a light
I didn't want,

I pay for a phone call
I didn't make,

for a house,
a dog, kids, cat...

Al, you know,

there's still some things
we could do for free.

You know, like,
dust off Mr. Van Winkle

and bring him over
for a visit.

Sex, Al.

Great. The one thing
I would pay for.

Me too.
Good night, Al.

Honey,
would you be still?

I'm trying
desperately

to pretend
you're someone else.

Settle down, Al,
and go to sleep.

Yech!

Where the hell is
that light coming from?

It's the new
crime light, Al,

shining on an
appropriate place--

your feet.

This just gets
better and better.

$50 to have a light
shine in my face!

This is great.

I'm a victim,
that's what I am.

City charges me $50
to shine a light in my face,

nothing I can do about it.

Phone company charges me $80
for a phone call I never made,

nothing I can do about it.

Well, from now on,

Al Bundy is going to do
something about it.

Tomorrow, I'm going to get
that Vancouver phone call

taken off my bill

and I'm going to go down

and have the city move
that stupid light.

From now on,

Al Bundy is going to live
with a little bit of dignity.

Ok, Marilyn. You ready?

There, that should take care
of Bud if he's listening.

Now, who's pregnant?

Hi, Mom.

Hi, honey.

What?

What you been doing?

What?

Bud, you've been listening in
on Kelly's call, haven't you?

Remember what I told
you about that?

Yeah, you said, "Be careful,
she's got a whistle now."

That's better.

Where's Dad?

He went down

to the phone company
this morning.

Uh-oh.

Don't worry about it.

Your father does
a lot of dumb things,

but even he knows

you can't fight
the phone company.

Hello?

Hello?

Mom, the phone
just went dead.

Well, you're
looking at a hero.

The phone company

doesn't care
about just one man,

but if all of us
stand together,

we can bring
these bureaucratic morons

to their knees.

Peg, Did you tell all
the neighbors to come?

I told all our friends.

And?

They're here.

Al, why don't you
just break down

and pay the phone bill?

I'm not giving in.

Nobody ever died because
they didn't have a telephone.

Kelly.

Would you go upstairs?
You're depressing us.

Al...

Why don't you just pay
for that phone call?

Excuse me.

Did I hear the trace of
a Vancouvian accent, Steve?

I didn't make the call.

Why not? Were you out--

or should I say,
"oot"-- at the time?

Gee, Steve.

This is a little like
living with Columbo.

You know, a dirty, wrinkled man
who won't give up.

Well, I'm never
going to give up,

and by the way, Steve,

what was Marcie's
maiden name?

It wouldn't have been
"Canuck" by any chance?

Al, aren't you punishing
your family enough

by living with them?

Why punish them more

over one lousy
$80 phone bill?

One lousy
$80 phone bill?

Oh, forgive me,
O Sheik Achmed Rhoades.

Peg, where's that spare 80
I use to light my cigars?

Hi.

Oh, hi, Marcie.
Gee, thanks.

First, you say,

"Oh, Steve, we'd only be
insulting the buffoon

if we missed
his stupid meeting,

then you don't show up.

Sorry, Steve,
but I was on the phone.

You see,
there's an example

of America's obsession
with the telephone.

I was on the telephone
taking messages for your family.

Peggy, your mother called.

Peggy,
your mother called.

Peggy, your mother called.

And, Peggy,
DIAL-A-STUD called.

They wanted to know
if you were okay

and to tell you Juan is back.

Anything for me?

No.

Oh.

Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

[RING, RING]

[RING, RING]

Kelly, it's for you!

Thank you,
thank you, thank you,

thank you, thank you.

Hello?

Hello?

Gee, I love doing that.

Now, see? Bud's handling
this the best way.

Good boy, Bud.

Now, I know that
you're all upset at me,

and you don't really understand
why I'm doing this,

but I will not
roll over and die,

and I will rest easy,

because I sleep
the sleep of the righteous.

Peg.

Peg.

I can't sleep.

What can I do?

Well...

Since we're not
using the telephone,

we could wrap the cord
around your neck

and slowly tighten it
till the sandman comes.

Ah, you women.

You can't forget about
that maternal instinct, can you?

Good night, Al.

Peg.

Remember a long time ago

when you wanted
this side of the bed?

You know,
close to the window?

What was my reason
for not giving it to you?

Well, let's see,
it was something like,

"I work, I make the money,
I deserve the air."

You know, it's funny, Peg.

It took me 15 years to realize

that you were right
all the time.

See, I can't sleep
knowing you'd rather be here.

Slide over, Peg.

No, Al.

We need your feet
by the window.

They keep away
the mosquitoes.

STEVE: Hey, Bundy!
Telephone!

It's 2:00 in the morning.

What do they want?

It's Peggy's mother.

Oh, it's for you.

Oh.

Hi, Mom!
What do you want?

STEVE: Your recipe
for raisin bread.

Tell her to get
a fresh loaf of bread,

a box of raisins,
and a hammer.

All right.

I just found the answer
to all our problems.

Ta-dah!

We're all going to get
an allotment of dimes.

Then, when you have to make
a phone call,

you come to me.

And if I feel
the phone call is worthy,

I'll give you some dimes

to go down to the phone booth
at the gas station.

See, once again,
problem... solution.

Dad, sit down.

I worry to see
you slipping away.

You know,
this phone thing--

how can I say this
without hurting you?

It's stupid.

I want to explain
something, son.

Is this going to be
long and boring?

Like the "Why did we
have Kelly" speech?

No, because I know
the answer to this one.

You see, the trouble

with America today,
son, is this...

Nobody stands up
for anything anymore.

So can we have a phone?

No.

No, but it's
pretty pathetic.

See, we used to have slogans
like "Don't tread on me,"

"54-40 or fight,"

"Tippecanoe
and somebody too."

Then, all of a sudden,

people stopped
standing up for themselves.

Now we have slogans
like "Have a nice day,"

"Make love, not war."

"Hi, I'm an American.
I'm sorry."

What's that got to do

with us being
the only people

in the free world
without a telephone?

It's got everything
to do with it.

See, the point is,

if they tried to
charge Thomas Jefferson

with a call
he didn't make,

the Boston Harbor would've
been full of phones,

and all the local women

would've been
swimming around down there,

and we wouldn't have
had to hang them as witches.

So, you're kind of like
Thomas Jefferson?

That I am, Bud.

Then why do they call him
a great man,

and they call you "butthead."

Well, if that's

a new word for "patriot,"
so be it.

Now, I'm going
down to the corner

with a letter
to the utility company

to get rid of that light.

Peg, do you want anything?

Yes, but bigamy's
illegal in this state.

Alrighty.

I'll fill that baby with dimes,

and we're going to learn

you don't need a phone company
to have a phone.

See you later.

Say goodbye to Daddy's dream.

Making raisin bread, Mom?

Not this time, honey.

Well, bye, Mom.

If you need me,
I'll be in the streets.

Okay, but I don't think
I'll need you.

And tell Daddy that
I am not moving back in

until we get a phone
or I get married.

Kelly, honey,
there is no reason

for anyone to leave home.

We are not going to be
without a phone for much longer.

I've taken matters
into my own hands.

Now, kids, we need $80.

There must be something
around here we can sell.

Kelly, quick.
Your liver.

For a phone?

I'll do it.

Not yet, Kelly.

Since this is
your father's fault,

I think we should start
with his things.

I'll get
his bowling ball.

I'll get
his fishing rods.

And I'll get his, uh...
well, that's all he's got.

Hey, what's going on here?

Dad. The women--

They were going
to sell your stuff.

He makes
the money, Mom.

We want a phone, Al.

I want a life.

Good luck to us all.

We're serious, Dad.

You can't beat
the phone company.

I see.

So much for Bundy unity.

I'll tell you something.

This is the first time

I've ever been ashamed
of my family.

You'll get used to it, Al.
We did.

Well, get used to this.

We're not getting a phone

until the phone company
calls and apologizes to me.

Dad, is there anything
we can say

to make you change
your mind,

you know, like,
"We love you"?

Or would you see
right through that?

I would.

Look, do you know what
the worst thing is

for a fellow to grow up
and hear somebody call him?

A shoe salesman.

Worse.

A quitter.

See, if I quit right now,

it would be like--
I don't know--

quitting.

So, Daddy,
if we stopped trying

to make you
put the phone back in,

wouldn't that
make us quitters?

Go to your room!

[DOORBELL RINGS]

First thought
she's ever had,

and it has to be against me.

Steve, we have
a family thing going on.

What do you want?

I'm delivering another
phone message for you.

Come on in.

I also have
a message of my own. Al.

This is the last message

the Rhoades are taking
for the Bundys.

Fine. That's the last thing
we'll ever do for you too.

You don't do anything
for us now, Al.

So you've already got
a taste of our medicine.

What's the message?

Please, God,
let it be for me.

It's for Peggy.

You lie!

It's for me!

She's been under
a lot of stress lately.

Oh, my God.

Who put these bugs
on my arms?

Who is it, Steve?

It's your mother.

She said to tell you
she's worried about you.

She doesn't like

not being able
to talk to you every day,

so she's coming to stay until
you get your phone put back in.

How much time
do we have?

She was packing
her bags.

Great! Great!
We can still stop her.

She can't get
through her front door

on the first try.

Peg, quick, call her.
Use Steve's phone.

Sure. Use Steve's phone,
wake Steve up,

let Steve take the message.

Well, the Steve stops here,
and my phone is off-limits.

Give mom a hug for me.

Oh, God.
What have I done?

Get out the Sitz bath, kids.
Grandma's coming.

Look, Peg,

go down to
the phone booth.

catch the woman
before she gets

to the bottom
of the driveway,

because once
she's in motion,

you can't stop her.

Okay, Al,

but only
on one condition--

that you pay
that phone bill.

Done. You win.
But hurry.

Was that a tremor?

Oh, God. She must
be changing bras.

Hurry!

Hurry!

Yeah, Dad.
Mom got here safe and sound.

Mom, you want to say
hi to Dad?

[SNORING]

She says she loves you.

Yeah, I talked her into
staying an extra week.

Al? Well, he was
a little upset

that we couldn't stop her
before she'd left,

but he did win one victory.

He got them
to move that streetlight,

so I'm sure
he's happy about that.