Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 11, Episode 4 - Requiem for a Chevyweight: Part 1 - full transcript

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Mmm, mmm.

Any mail for me?

Oh, come on, Bud. You know
Newsgeek comes tomorrow.

Then what's behind your back?

Couch.

Did we get a cereal sample? No.

Then why do I smell riboflavin?
Oh, come on, Bud, it's mine.

You got the last sample.
That was a bottle of Midol.

Well, you look a
lot less bloated.

Just give me that.



Oh, look what you did.

Kids, we have an emergency.

An emergency? What is it?

An unforeseen circumstance
that calls for immediate action.

That's not the point right now.

Come on! The love
of my life's in trouble.

Oh, my God. Something's
wrong with Mom.

No, you idiot. It's
the Dodge. Hurry.

Bud, eight quarts
of antifreeze, stat.

Kelly, less suction.

Bet you haven't
heard that in a while.

Oops.

I'm gonna hook up the scope.

Oh, damn. The pressure's low.



Bud, 3-quarter-inch
socket wrench.

I said 3-quarter. Stay with
me here or get out of my way.

Kelly, try to start the car.

Bud, cables.

Clear.

Nothing, Dad.

Again! Clear!

Damn! Nothing.

Maybe we should call
it, Dad. Bud, we can't.

I'm gonna open her up.

Open-gasket massage?

I know it's a risk, but
we have no other choice.

But, Dad, you've
never done it before.

I know, I know. But I
observed it once at Pep Boys.

Ohhh.

All right. She's
holding her own.

Just like you, Bud.

But we need to get a specialist
over here. Bud, call Detroit.

It's gonna cost a ton of money.

Well, then we'll have to
dip into the college fund.

Oh, we had a college fund?

I just graduated.

Well, then you won't
be needing any, will you?

There, there.

You'll be okay.

That's it. That's
it. You cough it up.

Oh, wow.

I'll just empty this out.

Hey, you wanna watch some TV?

They're showing monster trucks.

Hi, Al. How's she doing?

She's idling on
life support, Peg.

She's in a coma.

Al, you need to get some rest,

or help of some kind.

Peg, you don't
understand the bond

between a guy and his car.

It's sacred.

Well, you mean
kind of like the bond

between a husband and wife?

Well, don't trivialize it, Peg.

This was my first car.
This is part of my youth.

Yeah, and like your youth,
it should be long gone.

A-all right, Peg.

Let me put this into words
that you'll understand.

Do you remember
your first couch?

Oh.

I still miss it.

Well, that's how I
feel about this car.

Me and my dad had our
best days working on it.

I can't believe you
bought this piece of junk.

Hand me that screwdriver.

Not this one.

The one with ice in it.

How are you gonna
pay for this scrapheap?

I, uh... I-I got a job down
at that ladies' shoe store.

Oh. You're gonna
sell ladies' shoes?

What are you, a fruit?

Oh, Dad, it's just
for the summer.

Hey, is the car gonna
be ready tonight?

Well, it will if you shut up
and hand me that screwdriver.

Wh-which one, Dad?

Which one do you think?

I can't fix a car with a drink.

Well, anyway, that's good,
'cause I'm taking my date

to the Rolling Stones
farewell concert tonight.

Long-haired limey fruits.

Yeah, but she wants to go

and she's the grooviest
chick in school.

Peggy Wanker.

Be careful, son. Don't let
her get her hooks into you.

Don't worry about me, Dad.

Peggy would never stand
in the way of my dream.

She... She worships
the ground that I walk on.

Mm-hm.

The best part is she...
She really listens to me.

Are you listening
to me, Peg? Peg?

Oh, yeah. Oh, great story, Al.

Mr. Bundy? Yes?

I'm Dr. Fisher, the specialist.

Oh, thank God
you're here, doctor.

Doctor? Yes, ma'am.

Doctor of automotive
engineering, Quaker State.

I'll need to see her chart.

Oh, yeah. Uh, see, here.

Her... Her air-to-fuel
ratio is 180 over 90.

Hmmm. That's a little high.

Is she going to
be all right, doctor?

Yes, I'm sure she'll be fine.

Oh, dear God.

What? What?

It's exactly what I
feared, Mr. Bundy.

The fuel pump.

What have you fed her?

She has the hoses of a
car with twice her mileage.

Well, I didn't always buy her
the best gas when she was young.

Don't blame yourself.

If we only knew then what
we know now about octane.

Oh, well. Look, the bottom
line is you need a transplant.

A whole new pump.

That's not all he needs.

Now, unfortunately,
finding a donor pump

will be nearly impossible.

Oh, yeah? Well, if it
was Larry Hagman's car,

you'd find a donor pump.

You should realize that these
parts are worth a lot of money.

Be reasonable, Al.

There are lots of other
Dodges out there suffering.

Mr. Bundy, I know
this is difficult,

but we should harvest
these parts now

while they're still lubricated.

Are you nuts?

You're not a doctor,
you're a butcher.

Get out of here,
you Jiffy Lube reject.

Yeah. Get out of here, you oink.

Quack. Moo!

Woof! This is fun. Meow!

Kids, kids, kids.

Now, Daddy needs
a part for his car,

and you're gonna
help him get it.

Now, are you with me?

Oh, I'm so tired. How
long have you known us?

I'll take that for a
yes, but don't fake it,

because I can tell.

Sure you can, Al.

Don't you worry, sweetheart.

Whatever's wrong with
you, Daddy's gonna fix.

She... She can't keep
anything down, Peg.

Son, did you find
my fuel pump yet?

No. I've surfed the
Internet all night.

I still can't find anything.

What are you doing with
a picture of Pamela Lee

naked on a Slip 'n Slide?

Nothing, yet.

Keep working.

Well, Al, according
to these magazines,

all the cars like yours

have either been
recalled or exploded.

Oh, but don't worry. Kelly's
combing the classifieds.

No luck yet, Daddy.

You know, family,
I-I've gotta tell you,

I'm really touched by the fact

that you've stayed with
me through this crisis.

I mean, we've pulled
together, and gosh darn it,

I just gotta say, you're...

You're like family to me.

Oh, Al... Don't
touch me, though.

Hey, do I smell gas?

It was the dog. It was the dog.

No, I meant the car.

Her hoses must be hemorrhaging.

He's gone.

Okay.

What are your bids
on the carburetor?

Okay. A Dodge collector
in Toledo will offer us 200.

Oh, wait a second,
wait a second.

Vancouver will offer us 250.

I don't think so. Hold
on one second, please.

This idiot in Zurich
offered to buy the pistons

for 1000 francs.

As if. I mean, where would
we get the buns? Hello?

Will he throw in some
baked beans, Kel?

Good thinking. I'll
check. We want beans...

Oh, Bud, when
your father and I die,

you'll watch after
her, won't you?

Mom, I'll have my own wife
and kids to think about then.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, Dad's coming!

Well, I've got her stabilized,
but she's lost a lot of fuel.

Oh, God, I don't know what
I'm gonna do without her.

Get to places on time?

Oh, Peg, how can you
say a thing like that?

Don't you remember the
good times we had in that car?

Oh, Al. That was incredible.

Peggy, you drive me wild.

I could go all
night long. Oh, Al.

You're better than the
whole football team combined.

Not that I'd know.

Hey. Chocolates?

Oh, no. I hate candy. Ha-ha-ha!

You know, Al, you were
really amazing tonight.

I mean, four touchdowns
in a single game.

Oh, babe, that's no big deal.

I mean, it's not
like it's gonna be

the highlight of
my life or anything.

Oh, I know, honey.

Sky's the limit for
you, and me too.

Well, you know, today,

while I was napping
in my Home Ec class,

I had the greatest idea for a
way people could shop at home

using the television.

Oh, babe.

That's an even sillier idea than
your phone-without-a-cord thing.

Hey, but don't you worry.

A girl as pretty as you
are will never have to work.

Oh, Al,

you are so far out.

And you are foxy. Oh-ho-ho-ho!

Again? Hey.

Four is my new
lucky number, baby.

Oh, right.

And my backfield's in motion.

Obviously, you don't remember
what else happened that night.

No.

Oh, Al. AL: Oh, Peg.

Oh, Al. Uh-oh.

What? I think it broke.

Oh, my God. How could
that have happened?

I don't know.

It worked before.

You used the same one?

Hey, they're expensive.

Al, this is terrible.

You're telling me.

Now I'm gonna have
to buy a new one.

You know, Peg, my dad was right.

You really did get
your hooks into me.

Oh, right, Al.

I trapped you so I
could have all this.

Oh, wait a minute, now. Ahem.

Mm, mm. Oh.

Hey, I'm sorry to
hear about the car.

All the guys chipped
in and we got you this.

Hey, an air freshener.

I'll hang it on her
rear-view mirror.

Well, actually, you should
hang it around your neck.

We got this for the car.

I'm sure she'll love them.

Look, Al, God forbid,
she doesn't make it,

the important thing is you
get right back on the horse.

Well, thanks, Jefferson,

but how's sex with my wife
gonna make me feel any better?

No, Al.

I mean, you should go out
and... And buy a new car.

I don't need a new car,

'cause I'm gonna find
the part to this one.

There's a rumor that the fuel
pump you need is in Cuba.

Good luck getting
it out of there.

Damn Castro. Damn
Khrushchev. Damn Steve Allen.

Dad, what...? What...?

What's Steve Allen
got to do with it?

Nothing. Just...
I just hate him.

Oh, Cuba.

Sultry, seductive Cuba.

Where the jungles are friendly

and the women
are easy to hide in.

Or was it the other way around?

Listen, thanks,
buddy, for stopping by.

I... I don't know
how I can repay you.

Oh, just, uh, keep wearing
the air freshener. Thanks.

Dad, give it up. The
car's a lost cause.

So's my family, but you
don't see me giving up on you.

That Dodge is part of
the Bundy family history.

Oh, Bud, my little man. The
boy I always wanted, Peg.

Oh. Now, Al, you're gonna
hurt little Kelly's feelings.

You know, Phil Donahue says

that if a father
ignores his daughter,

she could develop an abnormal
craving for male attention.

Phil Donahue is full of crap.

Ew, Mommy, Daddy,
Bud's touching himself.

Oh, don't worry
about that, Kelly.

That's just a phase
he's going through.

He'll grow out of it.

Honey, why don't you give
him one of your rubber dollies

to play with instead?

Yeah, I don't know if that's
such a good idea, Peg.

Oh, come on, Al.

You and your gender stereotypes.

What difference does it make?

You're right.

Mommy, Daddy, did you know

the possums are the
only indigenous marsupial

to North America?

Gee, that's great, sweetheart.

What the hell did she just say?

I don't know.

You know, I'm kind of
worried about her, Al.

You ever notice how she's always
got her head buried in a book?

Yeah, she... She's
not like us, is she, Peg?

Of course, on the
bright side, you know,

she'll grow up
and go to college,

get a great job and
support us in our old age.

Al, look out.

Damn Japanese cars.

So small, you can't
even see them. Eh...

They'll never catch on.

Ow.

Kelly, are you all right?

Look! Shiny, shiny shoes.

You see? That car's been with
us in good times and bad times.

And when are we
getting to the good times?

When you're on life support.

She needs her brake fluid.

Okay. Unbelievable.

A collector in Dusseldorf
will give us five grand

for the entire
engine. Forget it.

Dad is never gonna take
the car off life support.

Yeah, we'll see about that.
Tell Gunther he's got a deal.

She's still running hot.

Well, this will cool
you down now.

Al. Honey, this is
no kind of life for her.

Let her die with dignity.

Peg, that is not up to us.

That is up to the man upstairs
and maybe Lee Iacocca.

Now, look, Al. I
am going to say this

in the most supportive and
loving way that I possibly can.

You are insane and
I am killing this car.

Never. Never.

No, don't leave me alone.

I hope you're happy,
Peg. She's gone.

Her oil is on your hands.

Her oil is all over town.

Oh, why couldn't
it have been me...

or you?

Oh, honey, let it go.

Yeah, Dad. You
did all you could.

Hey, I know we're
supposed to be sad,

but I can't cry.

What should I do?

Just pull a nose hair.

Well, you said to
pull a nose hair.

Oh, no, son. No, no, no.

She's in a better
place now, son.

What, a German chop shop? No.

Daddy's Dodge is in that big
parking structure in the sky.

Where the gas flows free

and the traffic lights
are always green.

We're sorry, Dad.

Yeah. We love you,
Daddy. That's all right, kid.

Just give me a moment.

All right, Al. But, you know,
we're here if you need us.

Drive towards
the light, old friend.

Drive towards the light.