Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 11, Episode 24 - Chicago Shoe Exchange - full transcript

These aren't bad.

Great. I'll ring them right up.

But I don't love them.

Let's put them in
the "maybe" pile.

Ma'am, my back is killing me.

Unfortunately, not fast enough.

I just don't see
anything I like.

You ought to be
sitting on this stool.

Got more shoes for
our delightful customer.

She's gone.

Picky bitch.



Are you talking to me?

No, no, no. I'm talking to him.

Picky bitch.

Well, I see, as usual, you
have outdone yourselves

with the store display.

Thank you. Thank you.

Listen, morons, I've
decided to restock the store.

So I'm donating all
of these old shoes

to poor Filipino orphans.

Well, they made them, why
would they want them back?

Just pack them up.

Excuse me, I've
got to go shopping.

I'm going on a cruise,
and I wanna look good.

For her to look good,
she'd have to stand next



to a real ugly tuna.

[CHUCKLES]

Hi, got your lunch.

Oh, good. Thank you.

Griff, give her the money.

I don't have any money.

Well, I don't have any money.

Well, you know, I could
take those sandals instead.

You know, a little trade?

Hey...

Hey, you got a deal. GIRL: Cool.

And while you're at it,
take yourself a pair of Peds.

[♪♪♪]

PEG: All right, Lucky,

the dishes are all done.

Now it's time to
do Al's laundry.

[WHIMPERS]

Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah, well, anyone
who doesn't think Delta Burke

is a major talent is someone I
don't wanna do business with.

Hey.

Guess what.

I finally got my
masseuse license.

You know what that means?

You can rub men and
finally get paid for it?

No, master of self-massage.

It means, as a
licensed masseuse,

I can make some money...

Oh, yeah, I guess
you're right, huh?

So, Mom, you
look pretty stressed.

Do you wanna go first?

[SNORING]

Well, I guess Mom can wait.

How about you?

Well, I am a little tense.

Getting Delta Burke a job

isn't as easy as I
thought it would be.

Here, hop on the table. Come on.

All right, let's see.

[MOANS]

Okay.

[GROANS]

Oh, Kelly, that feels good.

Yeah. See, the
key to it is pressure.

Because if you press in
the wrong place, you could...

[SCREAMS]

You could really hurt someone.

Here, let's try this one.

No, stop. Kelly, stop. Please.

It's really a good one
though. [BONE CRUNCHES]

Well, there's... There's a sound
I haven't heard before. Um...

Oh, my God. I
can't move my legs.

I can't move my legs.

That's not true.

They're... They're twitching.

[SOBBING]

Okay, I... I really, really think
I'm gonna need some help here.

Okay. Well, I...
I guess I better

go take another
lesson then, huh?

Okay, bye. No,
Kelly. Don't leave!

Kelly, don't leave, please!

Mom!

[SNORING]

[GRUNTING]

You know, this
bartering stuff is great.

I wonder why people didn't think
of this thousands of years ago.

You know, it's kind
of hard to barter

when you got a T.
Rex chasing your ass.

Hey.

This here looks expensive, huh?

Ah! [GLASS SHATTERING]

Ow! My back is killing me.

The view is killing me.

Hey.

How come this chair
has an on-and-off switch?

Because that is the
Swedish Ecstasy 5000.

This massage chair is so amazing

other massage chairs sit
in it when they want to relax.

[CHUCKLES]

Some people say the
Swedish Ecstasy 5000

is almost as good as sex.

Ah, they're crazy.

It's much better.

[LAUGHS]

We'll take it.

Oh, well, that'll be $3000.

Three thousand dollars?

For that we could have
actual sex with Swedish girls.

Yeah.

Yes. Well, maybe we
couldn't, but some guys could.

Well, that's another
great feature of this chair.

It will never say no to you.

AL: Yeah.

Spit on you and
call you a shoe man.

Or lard butt.

Or spoon-billed.

Well, that only happened once.

My friend, you're in luck.

We're in the barter business.

Now, how many shoes would
you take for this here chair?

One. As long as there's
$3000 stuffed in it.

Come on. We're both mall guys.

What would you
take for that chair?

Well, it's too bad
you guys don't work

in the sporting goods store
because I'd trade that chair

for a set of
graphite golf clubs.

That can be arranged.

So, what do you say?

I say I'll give you the clubs

for 50 pairs of stiletto heels.

Size 12.

Don't ask.

Who are we to judge?

And a push-up bra.

Maybe we'll judge a little.

Deal.

Okay.

Now, Bud, can you feel this?

[WHIMPERING] No.

Ugh! All right.

How about this?

[SCREAMS]

That's good. That's good.
It means it hasn't spread.

Kelly, I'm in a
lot of pain here.

Oh, and I'm not?

Do you have any idea what
watching Oprah at this angle

is doing to my neck?

[WHINING] Mommy,
please call the doctor.

Oh, what good's a doctor, Bud?

All they're gonna do is
stick you with needles

and check your temperature.

Speaking of which...

Well, if you were a pot
roast, you'd be done by now.

Don't worry, Bud.

I'm here to help.

I've been in more
massage parlors

than anyone in the world.

All right, I think
I have an idea.

Put Bud on the table.

All right. All right.

Why...? What...? No, I don't...

[SCREAMING]

Okay. Now what?

Nothing. I just
wanted the couch.

All right, Bud.

Here we go. Here
we go. [GROANING]

This is a little something

that I picked up in a
massage parlor in the Far East.

Well, actually, I
picked up a few things

in that massage parlor.

But this is one that I
can pass on to you.

Here we go. Here
we go. Here we go.

Okay, now, Bud, I am going
to manipulate your vertebrae

while twisting your
neck clockwise.

Here we go. And...
Oh, be careful.

[BONE CRACKS] [SCREAMING]

Or was that counterclockwise?

[BONE CRACKS] [SCREAMING]

Oh, God, now I
can't move at all!

Well, on the plus side,
you... You clot well.

[SOBBING]

Al, don't you
think all this trading

is getting a little out of hand?

What do you mean?

[GRIFF SIGHS]

Oh, just a hunch.

Very simple, Griff.

To get the chair, we
had to get the golf clubs.

To get the golf clubs, we
had to get that push-up bra.

To get the push-up bra, we
had to give them the kayak

and that apology for the
detour through the fitting room.

Now all we need to do is get
this driving mower to the Gap

and Mr. Zippy the
chimp to Hickory Farms.

I hope they don't let
him roll the cheese logs.

Hi, I need a pair of shoes.

Well, what are you doing here?

You need shoes, you
go to the Hallmark store.

And if you need pantyhose,
you gotta go to the Beef Bowl.

Good day.

Al, are you sure this
is gonna work out?

Trust me. I've
thought of everything.

Nothing can go wrong.

Freeze.

You're busted.

What did we do?

You're in violation
of Mall Code 274:

Illegal bartering.

Bar... Bar... Bartering?

But who's bartering?

Then what's all this
merchandise doing here?

Well, if you wipe the Clearasil
out of your eyes, officer,

you would have seen
that the sign says:

"Gary's Shoes and Accessories."

See, all this stuff,
they're accessories.

A barbecue grill?

Well, sure, maybe to you,

but to a discriminating
consumer,

this is a, um... foot warmer.

All right, that makes sense.

But what about this?

That is, um...

That's for our customer lounge.

Welcome to the
shoe room, gentlemen.

Any requests?

[ELECTRONIC
PRE-PROGRAMMED BEAT PLAYING]

Come on, Bundy.

Hey, hey, hey. Keep
your voice down.

There's no reason to shout.

[PLAYING "SHOUT" ON ORGAN]

Come on, we all
work in the same mall.

Why are you giving me the shaft?

[CONTINUES PLAYING]

Uh...

[TURNS OFF KEYBOARD]

Why don't you take
five, Little Stevie.

Now, listen, I... I know that you
guys are just doing your jobs,

you know, between doughnut runs,

but, uh, let's talk about
a little payola, you know?

A little greasing of the wheel.

A little something for the
widows and orphans fund.

[LAUGHING] No way, Bundy.

We want free stuff.

And...

Griff plays at the
Mall Policeman's Ball.

Deal.

As long as it's not on Saturday.
See, I booked me a bar mitzvah.

BUD: Ow! Ow! Stop that!

Come on, Bud, you
have to cooperate

or we're not gonna take
you to the chiropractor.

Oh, are you sure he's good?

Of course he's good.
His office is in the mall.

Come on, let's
hurry up. Here we go.

[BUD SCREAMING]

Okay. That's good.

There you go,
buddy. It should work.

Need I remind you people that
we have to go through a tunnel?

Someone's cranky.

All right. Let's put
him in the trunk.

Yeah. Okay. Here we go.

No, no, no. That's
not a good idea.

Why, you can't
even feel your legs.

The trunk is not a good
idea. KELLY: Yes, it is.

Now, come on, Bud, you
didn't mind going in the trunk

when we had to
go to the drive-in

or grandma's or California.

Get the trunk.
Well, scooch over.

Stop, I don't want... I'm
not getting in the trunk.

Oh, jeez! Sorry.

BUD: No. Don't leave me...!

Ooh!

[MUFFLED YELLING]

I'm sorry, Bud.

[SOBBING] Let me out.

His legs are moving.

You big faker.

[KNOCKING]

All right, look. I
have a better idea.

Take him out of the trunk.

All right. Come on.

Come on, Bud. Oh, jeez.

Hey, this is a great
idea tying Bud to the roof.

You said tie him to the roof?

JEFFERSON: Yeah.

I thought you said
put him in a tie.

KELLY: Oh, no.

BUD [SPEAKING
SLOWLY]: Slow down.

What'd he say?

I think he said stop.

Okay.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[BUD SCREAMING]

Oh, that had to hurt.

Well, I hope you
enjoy your Bustisizer.

I sure have.

Al, your chair is here.

[RINGS]

Gary's Shoes.

Well, Gary's.

Hello, chair.

Al, we're in big trouble.

That was Gary.

She found out that retro was in,

and she wants
all the shoes back.

But we gave all
those shoes away.

Calm down.

Calm down? This
is all your fault, Griff.

My fault?

This was all your idea.

Hey, now, let's not
place blame here.

How are we gonna
get the shoes back?

Well, we've gotta trade
for everything back.

Including the chair.

Not the chair.

Al...

What good is a massage
chair gonna do you in prison

when a guy named Lava Joe
has just made you his bride?

Ooh, I love this store.

What about the chiropractor?

Bud, you saw those prices.

We're not made out
of money, you know.

[GASPS] Look.

A titanium showerhead.

Ooh, and it's only $400.

I'll take it.

This is the worst
day of my life.

Well, I guess it's
okay to tell you that

Delta Burke called and
she, uh... She fired you.

I'm sorry. Oh.

[CHUCKLES]

It doesn't get any
lower than that.

Hey, Bud.

You know what I do when...

[GRUNTS]

I'm feeling blue?

I tan my troubles away.

Oh, that's a good idea.

There you go,
sweetie. There you go.

I don't know if this
is such a good idea.

See, I'm... I'm
fair-skinned and...

Foosball.

Best three out of two?

You're on. Okay.

Hey, Bundy, love the clubs.

Hey, that's good.
Give them back to us.

No way. They've taken
eight strokes off my game.

No, but see, we traded
back everything we traded for

for the chair.

Even Mr. Zippy the
chimp, who didn't wanna go.

And I'm not ashamed to say it,

I'm gonna miss the little fella.

So be a pal, help us out.

But we're not pals.

I don't like you.

But I like you.

Beat it.

Hey, Peg.

What are you doing up?

Well, one of us has to
be an attentive parent.

[SIZZLING] Bud
is in serious trouble.

He's...

[SNIFFING]

[SIZZLING]

He's burning.

KELLY: Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh.

Sorry, Bud, we, uh...

Oh, we kind of
lost track of time.

Oh, but, uh...

Gee, you...

You look great.

[GROANING]

You smell like chicken.

Bud boy?

Daddy. Dad?

They're trying to
kill me, you know?

Welcome to my world, son.

All right.

What did you do to the boy?

Well, I massaged him and then...

And now he can't walk.

You massaged him
and now he's paralyzed.

Great. I got a good idea.

Help me here.

Here, Bud, come here, son.

What are you guys doing?

Don't worry. We'll
take good care of you.

Get him over to the
chair. Come on over here.

Easy, boy. There.

[GROANING]

Attention, mall shoppers.

You see what this
chair did to my only son?

It paralyzed him.

And it... And it burned him.

Cut him down in his prime.

All thanks to this evil chair.

What the hell are
you guys trying to pull?

I'm trying to save
my sorry son's life.

Hey, Dad, I think I'm starting
to be able to move here.

[BONES CRACKING] [SCREAMING]

Oh, my spine!

All right. All right.

Take the clubs. Just
get the hell out of here.

Come on, Griff, let's go.

A pleasure doing
business with you, sir.

Yeah...

[SOBBING]

My skin is fried.

Uh, well, here, maybe...

Maybe this will cool you off.

Huh?

That's not gonna work.

Here.

No...

Oh!

JEFFERSON: Kelly!

Thank you, Kelly. That...
That... That felt real good.

[BOTH PANTING]

[CHUCKLING]

Well, just as I suspected,

you two slugs haven't
moved a muscle since I left.

Jeez, you guys could
get some exercise.

It's just that your beauty
has left us breathless.

Well, you'll have
to wait in line

because I met a special
someone on that cruise.

He's picking me up here.

I just need a minute
to make myself pretty.

She's gonna need a little
bit more than a minute, huh?

Hey, Al, you sure you cleared
out all that stuff back there?

Yes, I'm sure.

[GARY SCREAMING]

That's one desperate
little chimp, huh?

AL: Don't go away,

we'll be right back.

I told you, I'm in a hurry.

[SNAPS FINGERS]

[♪♪♪]