Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 11, Episode 23 - How to Marry a Moron - full transcript

(Continuation of the previous episode) Lonnie is freed from prison because it was overcrowded. He asks Al's blessing for marrying Kelly. He even has a ring. Turns out that Lonnie is one of ...

BUD: "Dear Starla,

how are things in solitary?

"Is it true that they throw
you in the hole naked?

Anxiously awaiting
your reply, Bud."

Daddy, I love Lonnie.

And I'll die if I
can't have him.

Suit yourself. A funeral's
cheaper than a wedding.

Dad, don't worry.
Kelly can't wait

for Lonnie to get out of prison.

I mean, she cheats on a guy

if he takes too long
in the bathroom.



[DOORBELL RINGS]

Good point, son.

Besides, he's a
vicious criminal.

They probably
locked him up for life.

They turned me loose.

They said the prison
was too overcrowded.

[SCREAMS EXCITEDLY]

God forbid prisoners
don't have enough legroom.

Oh, look how much he loves her.

The man just got
out of prison, Peg

He'd be happy kissing
anything without stubble.

Sir, I have come to ask

for your daughter's hand.

Is that all?



Yeah, why stop there?

No one else does. [MUTTERS]

Sir, I may not be
the smartest man

in the world or the
most successful,

but I love your daughter

and I would give
my life for her.

Deal.

Dad, what are you
doing? Get your hands...!

He tried to strangle me.

Well, that's just how
we show affection.

Oh. Ha-ha-ha.

[GASPS, CHOKING]

Hey, Mom.

Do you see that shade
of blue that Dad's turning?

Don't you think that
would be a good color

for the bridesmaids' dresses?

Actually, I was thinking
a little more purple-y.

There, that's it.

Oh, speaking of the
wedding, I almost forgot.

Kelly, this is for you.

[GASPS]

That is the biggest cubic
zirconia I've ever seen.

Genuine cubic
zirconia? Oh, Lonnie.

Oh, my God.

You stole my daughter
an engagement ring

and it's not even
a real diamond?

Sir, I love Kelly very much

and I promise you, she'll be
very happy as Mrs. Lonnie Tot.

[GRUNTS]

Wait a second. Did you
say your name was Tot?

I don't know. Did I?

Tot, as in the Tots,

owner of Tot Industries

maker of Weenie Tots,
nature's most perfect food?

Yeah, that's us.

Al, Al.

This ring is real.

Son. Dad.

[♪♪♪]

Or perhaps you would prefer
our platinum elite account?

Now, that requires
$100,000 minimum balance,

but you get free checks
and a SaladShooter.

I love you. I love you.

I love you. I love you.

I love you both.

Kelly.

Kelly.

Kelly.

Hey, isn't that Big Bird?

BOTH: Where?

You missed him.

Now, Kelly, honey, on
this very special occasion

I want you to wear
the dress that I wore

on the happiest day of my life.

Unfortunately, the
football team kept it.

But I do have

my wedding dress.

And it is very nice too.

Gee, Mom, it's...

What is it?

Genuine snow leopard.

Isn't it stunning?

Um, Peggy, ahem, as
the wedding coordinator,

may I suggest something
a little less whorish?

Oh, come on, Kelly.

We better go color
our wedding invitations.

BOTH: Dibs on magenta! Oh!

My God. Their children
will be rutabagas.

Yeah, it's possible.

Root vegetables
run in my family.

Now, about the wedding dinner.

I was thinking an open bar,

hors d'oeuvres and six courses.

Yeah, well, Al was thinking

a cash bar and a cover charge.

Well, that's what we're
planning for his funeral.

[SNICKERS]

WOMAN: Ah...

Oh... Thanks.

I can't believe how
cheap they are.

They got me a
bowl with holes in it.

Honey, don't be
silly. That's not a bowl.

It's a hat.

Oh, okay.

Yeah! Thanks.

Kelly, you really
shouldn't be wearing that.

Oh, yeah, right. Bad luck, huh?

Anyway, you know,
it's so nice of you guys

to give me this shower

and I wanna give
something to you.

My little black book.

[WOMEN GASP]

ALL: Wow.

"Johnny Parker,
David Petrocelli,

Max Pullman."

Hey, that name sounds familiar.

That's your father.

And Mr. Owens, our
chemistry teacher?

Yeah, well, I passed, didn't I?

I love Lonnie so
much that it's worth

giving up all those guys.

Even page 41.

You know, honey, I
never wanted another man

after I met your father.

Every time he would look at me,

I'd get butterflies
in my stomach. Aw.

Well, does that still happen?

Well, now it's more
like a churning.

But at least something's
going on down there.

Oh, you guys are
still in love, aren't you?

Absolutely.

You know, after 25 years,
we may not be as lovey-dovey,

but at least two times a year

your father makes me feel

like a teenager all over again.

That's because he has
no money and a bad car.

True, but he's still
my Prince Charming.

[GRUNTS]

Behold the power of Beercules.

[LAUGHING]

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

[MEN HOOTING, CHEERING]

Damn, you've blown
a lot of dough, Al.

I've never seen you buy a drink,

even for yourself.

Well, when you're part of

one of America's
wealthiest families,

it's your social responsibility
to show a little class.

Hey, Cheez Doodles for
everyone, the puffy kind.

Ah. No one listens,
just like at home.

Some guy must have
more money than you.

Who'd have more
money than a Tot-in-law?

A Tot in heat.

Hey. What are you doing here?

Hey, Dad, I'm here
every Friday night.

I can't believe I've
never seen you.

Oh, well, Friday
is full-price night.

But I'm surprised at you,
a soon-to-be-married man.

Well, you're here, Dad, and
you've been married, what?

Fifty, 60 years?

At least.

Yeah, but that's my
whole point. I've earned it.

See, your future wife
deserves more respect.

Well, what about your wife?

That's different.
My wife is my wife,

and your wife is my daughter.

Go on. Don't let
me catch you again.

But I already paid
for a lap dance.

Don't worry, I'll
put it to good use.

Ah, the sacrifices I
make for this family.

Oh, Al,

we got a welcome-to-the-family
present from the Tots.

Remind me to send them
a go-to-hell thank-you card.

There will be no wedding, Peg.

I saw our former
future son-in-law

tonight at the nudie bar.

He's a dog, Peg.

Al, you go to the
nudie bar all the time

and you don't cheat on me.

That's right, because I show
the nudie bar its due respect.

A man looks, drools, dreams,

but he does not cheat.

Technically, they're
not even married yet.

They're engaged, and
that's the same thing.

An engagement ring is circular.

It means "out of circulation."

Well, it's all hooked up.

Dad, did you see our great
gift that our new in-laws sent us?

They're not going
to be our in-laws.

You lie.

Your father thinks that
Lonnie's cheating on Kelly.

Mom, Dad,

there's a rumor
floating around town

that Kelly herself
is no longer a virgin.

A rumor that's been
a-floating since '79.

I know that, uh, Kelly has sown

a few wild oats,

among God knows
what other things.

But I cannot knowingly
allow my pumpkin

to marry a rogue
and a scoundrel.

He's not, Dad. He can't be.

He's a Tot. Tots
are good people.

Would bad people send us

a gift like this?

What is it?

It's a big-screen
projector, Dad.

Isn't that worth
the small sacrifice

that we laughingly call Kelly?

No, Bud, your dad's right.

We can't sacrifice our
only daughter's happiness,

even for a big-screen TV.

Exactly. How big?

It's 10 feet wide, Dad.

Ten feet?

And they sent over a
LaserDisc player too,

with a movie, Dad,
a John Wayne movie.

The Duke?

Well, I'm sorry. They're just
going to have to send it back.

Uh, let's not lose
our heads here, Dad.

Now, do you have any
proof of your accusations?

Well, no.

Shame, Dad.

Shame, shame, shame.

You know, Bud's right, Al.

Well, I'm... I'm not sure.

Let's just ask the Duke.

[PROJECTOR SCREEN BUZZES]

AL: My Lord in heaven.

Oh, I've seen this one.

This is where the Duke
kills a whole bunch of Indians

who are really asking for it.

Hello, family.

Look who's here.

Kelly, I think Dad has
something he'd like to say to you.

What is it, Daddy?

Kelly...

[MUSIC PLAYS ON-SCREEN]

Kelly, go to your room.

All of you, go to your rooms.

Friend of the bride.

Friend of the bride. I
think you know where to sit.

Wedding video,

Kelly's First Marriage.

Un film de Jefferson D'Arcy.

Oh. Heh-heh.

Ah, yes. Luckily, I
have my bazoom lens.

Oh... Hey... Ow...

[MOUTHS WORDLESSLY]

JEFFERSON: There's
the villain of our little story.

Al, I don't see any
of my relatives here.

Didn't you send
out the invitations?

Well, of course I did, pookie.

JEFFERSON: Hey, hey,
what do you got there, boy?

Al, Peggy, I'd like
you to meet the Tots.

I've just been telling them

about the wonderful
investment opportunities

at Kyoto National Bank.

There's a line
to kiss their ass,

and it starts behind me.

So while you're back there,
why don't you kiss mine too?

Enjoy the wedding.

Hi. I'm Earl Tot.
And I'm Pearl Tot.

And I'm Al Bundy.

Who's this pretty creature?

Where?

Oh, oh...

This creature.
Well, this here's Peg.

You have such a lovely home.

It reminds me of
when we started out.

Earl had nothing but
2 pounds of cow lips,

a bucket of nitrates
and a dream.

You know, that's
funny. Al had all that.

Except for the dream.

And the bucket.

Well, just being here

just brings tears to my eyes.

Al, I told you to
close your hamper.

BUD: So, Lonnie, tell me again.
What does your sister look like?

Well, kind of like her,
but with bigger waloobies.

I think we may just
be related twice.

Oh, Mama, Daddy, this is Bud.

Remember? He's the one I told
you would be perfect for Tatum.

Yes.

Oh, here's my little
sugar bear now.

Lonnie.

Tatum.

I thought you said
she had big waloobies.

Oh, she does. In my family,

waloobies is a pet
name for butt cheeks.

You're right, Lonnie.
He's a cutie-pie.

Now, don't they
make a darling couple?

She makes a darling
couple all by herself.

Al, if we can get
both our kids hitched,

I'd have to make you a partner.

Attention, everyone. I
would like to announce

the engagement of my son.

Damn you, Dad.

Come on, people. We
have a wedding to do.

Al, go check on the bride.

And remember, when
you walk down the aisle,

try to walk upright.

No problem. I only double
over when I see you.

Oh, Marcy. I have
more butterflies now

than I did for my own wedding.

Hm. I would have thought
you would have been nauseous

for your wedding.

Well, I was that too.

But that was from
morning sickness.

Hey, Peg, you look great.

Can I take you out now?

Griff, we have a
wedding to go to.

But you can call me tomorrow.

I was talking about
taking you to your seat.

Oh. Ha-ha-ha. Sure.

Now, where is my best
man and my maid of honor?

Oh, God! The horror! The horror!

Come back here and
let me finish that hickey.

She moves a lot faster
since she lost all that weight.

Oh, here. Let me
help you with that.

Okay, that's good. Gee,
you look very handsome.

Well, thank you, Mrs. D'Arcy.
You look handsome too.

Pretty.

Well, thank you again.

You look pretty too.

Ha. Listen, Lonnie.

I want you to know that I wanna
be more than just your banker.

I wanna be your friend.

So if you ever need or
want anything, I'm available.

Well, that's good,
because I gotta tell you,

there's something
about a little bony banker

that really turns me on.

[MARCY SQUEALS]

[SLAP]

What are you, crazy?
You're about to get married.

That'll only take
about 10 minutes.

What are you doing after?

Not you.

["WEDDING MARCH" PLAYS]

Your sister looks
beautiful, Bud.

The white dress
is a bit of a stretch.

It wouldn't be on me.

No, I think it would be.

Dearly beloved,

we are gathered
together to join this man

and woman in holy matrimony.

And if anyone can
show just cause

why they may not
be joined together,

let him speak now or
forever hold his peace.

Okay, that's it.
This wedding's off.

Well, good.

I still have time to make
the Edelstein funeral.

Daddy, you're
ruining my wedding.

He's ruining your
wedding. How dare you?

How dare he what?

I now have proof

that this no-good
idiot jailbird,

while coming from a fine,

upstanding weenie family,

is a two-timing snake.

Hear, hear.

What are you yammering about?

Our son has done nothing wrong.

Your boy, madam,

who I like to refer
to as Dummard,

is still hitting on
good-looking women.

Thanks, Al.

And on top of all that,

he just hit on one
who looks like a man.

Is that all?

Lonnie here is just...
Oh, you know... Fickle.

Sure. Who cares?

Well, I care.

You do?

Yeah.

Well, now that I think about it,

it kind of upset
my other wives too.

Your other wives?

His other wives?

Yeah, well, I said he was
fickle. All of us Tots are.

I've been married
five times myself.

And I got a boyfriend.

So that's the kind
of lowlife scum

you people are.

No respect for the torturous
sanctity of marriage.

Well, let me tell you something.

We Bundys may have our faults...

CROWD: Oh, yeah. You said it.

But we believe that
marriage should be forever.

No matter how pitiful
or disgusting it may be

to wake up to the same
horrifying face each day,

that's what the marriage
vows are all about.

And anyone who
can't stand the nagging,

bonbon-eating heat

should stay out of the
whining, sex-starved kitchen.

You tell them, Al.

Uh, Mom, he just
called you fat and whiny.

Oh. Well, I just heard the part

about staying
out of the kitchen.

Lonnie, we do not have
to take this. We are Tots.

Gee, I'm sorry, Kelly.

Are you sure you
don't wanna be a Tot?

You know, I never
thought I'd ever say this,

but right now, I'd rather
be a Bundy. So, hmm.

Thanks, Dad.

There went my last
chance at unlimited wealth.

Unless...

[SOBBING] I just can't do it.

Are you okay, honey?

Yeah, I guess so.

I mean, I'm gonna miss Lonnie,

but at least I have something
that'll always remind me of him.

A $10,000 wedding debt?

No, Daddy,
that's... That's yours.

I've got this.

And, of course, my
loved ones to console me.

We're here for you, Kel.

Not you.

Them.

[♪♪♪]