Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 11, Episode 22 - The Desperate Half-Hour - full transcript

I can't believe Dad's
kicking us out of the house

just to watch some stupid movie.

Oh, it's okay, honey.

You and I are gonna
have a terrific time

at this strip show.

It'll be just like your 12th
birthday all over again.

Okay, but this time you're
the designated driver.

All right, let's check
our equipment.

Uh, ones and fives. Check.

Weson oil. Check.

A driver's license, just
in case I get carded.



[CHUCKLES] That's
a good one, Mom.

I mean, check.

It was a bad day today, Peg.

[GROANS]

One minute, the biggest woman

in the world was in front of me.

I was trying to
wedge a size four

on her foot with
my lucky shoehorn,

the next minute, she was gone.

The woman died in your store?

Not the woman,
Peg, the shoehorn.

Look at it, Peg.

Crushed like a beer
can at a Raiders game.

I'll tell you, Peg,



the only thing
that kept me going

was knowing that
tonight is the night.

Oh, don't worry, honey.

We will be gone by the
time your little movie starts.

Death Wish 6 is
not a little movie.

It is a once-in-a-lifetime

3-D, splatter-vision,
pay-per-view event.

[YELPS]

Guys,

I need the house
to myself tonight.

My pen pal, Starla,
just got out of prison

and she's coming here to see me.

What does she look like?

Supposedly, like Cindy
Crawford, but who cares?

She's under 30 and hasn't
been touched by a man in years.

Oh, she's just like me.

Except that your crimes
continue to go unpunished.

Go away.

Dad, Starla and I
need some privacy.

She's gonna do a body search.

And, uh, I've hidden things.

You all have exactly
12 and a half minutes

to vacate the premises.

I have every movement
timed down to the final second,

including this one.

Come on, Mom, let's go.

We want to get a
pole-side table, don't we?

Wait a minute, honey. Come
help me find my punch card.

I think I'm due
a free lap dance.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

I'm looking for Bud Bundy.

I'm Bud.

And you must be Starla?

You don't look like Brad Pitt.

And you don't look like
Cindy Crawford either.

No.

But I've got a gun.

This is a holdup.

[CHUCKLES] Come on.

I hope you don't
think I'm weird,

but this is kind of
turning me on a little bit.

Sicko.

You told me you lived in
a French provincial estate.

My cell is nicer than this dump.

Starla, I lied to
you because I knew

I wasn't good enough for you.

And we don't... We
don't have any money.

And I don't play
for the Bulls either.

I ought to beat you up.

Would you mind
putting on a nightie first?

All right, guys. Oh, hey. Bye.

Oh, good, your friend came.

You guys have a great
time. Hey, hey, hey.

I'm on the run, I've
got nothing to lose.

Either you and your
sisters cooperate,

or someone's gonna get hurt.

Sisters?

Ha-ha-ha. I like her.

[♪♪♪]

Mom, I'm scared.

Don't worry, honey. She doesn't
know that Daddy's upstairs.

He's our secret weapon.

Yeah, if he leaves the
bathroom door open.

Yoo-hoo.

What are you doing? I
told you to wait in the car.

I thought you might need help

carrying that picnic lunch
your friends made for us.

Howdy, I'm Lonnie.
I'm Starla's boyfriend.

Starla, where did
you get that gun?

Wake up, Jethro.

She's escaped from prison.

Wha...? She didn't escape.

I was right there,
picking her up.

They let her out that special
drain pipe exit in the woods.

So the media
wouldn't harass her.

[WHIMPERING] Mom.

I can't believe she
dumped me for this guy.

He's a total moron.

[♪♪♪]

Now, we're gonna
need a getaway car.

We are taking the Porsche.

No, not the Porsche.

Give Lonnie the keys.

[SCOFFS]

[KEYS JINGLE]

[SQUEALS]

Thank you.

I'm Kelly.

Um, the garage is
through that door.

[GIGGLES]

Now, we're gonna need
some food for the road.

You.

Go cook us something.

You animal.

Don't think about trying
to poison us either.

Yeah, she doesn't
have to think about it,

it just sort of happens.

All right. It's okay, Mom,
that's okay, it's okay.

Now, I may not be the
best mechanic in town,

but I'm pretty sure
that's not a Porsche.

May not even be a car.

He's so smart.

[KNOCKING]

JEFFERSON: It's
Jefferson. Is anyone home?

That's our neighbor.
You better surrender now

because he used
to be with the CIA

and he is a trained killer.

Sorry to just

[AS SHEEP] "barge" in.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, Marcy and I had to
show you our costumes.

We're going on a charity
masquerade cruise.

[SHRIEKS]

Little Bo Peep has
lost her sheep and...

Oh, sorry, I didn't
know you had company.

[GASPS]

Wow, are you guys
going on the cruise too?

What great costumes.
Wait, let me guess.

Grease monkey and...

psychotic trailer trash, right?

Uh, Marcy... Oh,
I love your props.

They're so lifelike.

Eat lead, street scum.

Shoot her. Shoot her.

Bang, bang, you're dead.

[LAUGHS]

This is such fun. There you go.

JEFFERSON: Don't
give her the gun.

No, fun is busting a cap
in Little Bo Peep's ass.

Marcy, this is Starla.

She's broken out of prison,
and she's here to rob us.

Of what?

Everybody in the corner.

Jefferson, do something.

Okay.

Exactly which corner
would you like? Right.

Everybody, shut
up, I gotta think.

Yeah, Starla really surprised
me with this whole thing.

I didn't even have time to
learn how to speak Canadian.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

I always wanted
to go to Australia,

but I don't speak a
word of Australian.

Oh, except for, um,

[AUSTRALIAN ACCENT] "koala."

[BOTH LAUGH]

I love koalas.

I got one tattooed on my...

Starla doesn't like it. She
says it makes me look cheap.

What are you doing
with her anyway?

I mean, don't you think
she's kind of trampy?

Well, that's my type.

Besides, Starla
said it'd be real hard

for me to find
another girlfriend

on account of how ugly I am.

Get away from her.

She's very moody.

We have got to get
the gun away from her.

Now, we need someone big
and strong and expendable.

Where is your father?

Hey, you told me
your father was dead.

That's right, he died.

[TOILET FLUSHES]

Before he could
fix the plumbing.

♪ Old Charles
Bronson Had a gun ♪

♪ Eee-eye-eee-eye-oh ♪

♪ With this gun He
killed some scum ♪

♪ Eee-eye-eee-eye... ♪

Oh.

You're from the cable
company, aren't you?

Al, she's not from
the cable company.

She's Bud's pen pal, and
she's come here to rob us.

You see, that's why we don't
allow you to have friends, Bud.

Now, listen, you're obviously
disappointed in Bud. We are too.

But, you see, I already
paid for this movie

and I had to buy a
200-ounce bladder buster

to get these here.

So why don't you
just go...? [GUNSHOT]

Oh, my God.

My baby.

[WHIMPERING]

Oh...

Why, why, why?

[SOBBING] Poor Clicky.

So young

and so many
channels left to change.

Oh, yeah, big, tough
broad picking on

a helpless little
remote, aren't you?

You wouldn't be so tough
without that gun, would you?

No, you idiot,
that's why I've got it.

Kind of what I said, isn't it?

[SIRENS BLARING]

Oh, Al, I'm afraid. Hold me.

Peg, Peg, my
life's in danger here,

it's important I
maintain my will to live.

Okay, Dad,

we've got to come
up with a plan.

What would Charles Bronson do?

Well, he'd usually
go on a revenge spree

after his loved ones
were brutally slaughtered.

Think of something
else. All right.

All right, I've come
up with a plan.

It's dangerous and
risky, I'll need a volunteer.

Croquet injury. Stubbed my toe.

Thanks a lot.

Lucky. Lucky, here, boy.

Go get the cops,
go get the cops.

Good boy.

What a good dog.
Loyal, strong and brave.

[LUCKY WHIMPERING, BIRDS CAWING]

We may need an alternate plan.

I've got another idea.

Ah-ha. Are you going
to command a squadron

of flies from your
hamper to attack?

If I could command those flies,

do you think
you'd still be alive?

Al, please do something.

I'm about to, Peg.

I'm toting around 200
ounces of Mr. Pibb.

Hey, girlie,

mind if I hit the can?

All right. Lonnie, go with him.

Lonnie, where the hell are you?

Still looking for that Porsche.

Were you back there with Lonnie?

Kelly, are you crazy?

You guys, we were just talking.

We happen to have
a lot in common.

We both hate green eggs and ham,

but we think the
book is pretty funny.

Now, remember,

no matter how she threatens us,

do not tell her
about the Mercedes.

Hey, what are you
whispering about?

We have a Mercedes next
door. Take it, here are the keys.

No, I won't let you.

[KEYS JINGLE, DROP TO FLOOR]

Give me the keys. No, Starla.

You know, it's not too
late to turn your life around.

So you were gonna
blow away the Bundys.

What's that, a $10 fine?

But grand theft auto,

you're better than that.

Inside you is a confused,
misunderstood person

who doesn't need a Mercedes,

just a second chance.

Yeah, I'll think that over

when I'm ditching
your car in a lake.

I hope you fry!

There's not enough
voltage in Illinois

and I'm gonna shave your head
when they strap you to the hot...

Now, everybody,
down on the floor, now.

Eww. Do you know
how long it's been since

these floors were washed?

[HELICOPTER WHIRRING]

Come on, Lonnie, we
gotta make a break for it.

What's going on?

"Cotton balls" over there handed
over the keys to their Mercedes.

They're wool.

Mercedes.

That's a good idea.

May I suggest you
take a hostage with you?

Perhaps the registered
owner of the car.

Whoo. That would be her.

Before you go, just one thing.

Did you and the
girls ever pass time

by spanking each
other with license plates?

Oh, I'm really gonna miss you.

I said cops, not crops.

Is it me,

or is that dog really stupid?

Yeah, but, you know,
he's kind of cute.

[♪♪♪]

We're out of here.

Al, has the movie started?
Hit the floor, butt head!

Oh, man, I missed the beginning.

Damn.

This 3-D is incredible.

Take off the glasses, Griff.

Sorry, wrong house.

That Negro family, where
do they live? Next door?

Sit down and shut up.

Didn't you see the "help" sign

I hung out of the
bathroom window?

Al, you've been hanging "help"
signs ever since I've known you.

Well, I'm not really
good at writing letters,

especially the capital ones,

but for you, I'll do anything...
Lonnie, move your ass!

I will see you losers in hell.

Super-premium
unleaded only, please!

Jefferson,

I feel so violated.

Me too.

Is everybody okay? Yeah, I...

Then get out.

[BOTH YELP]

[SIRENS BLARING]

All right, get down and
shut up. Oh, this sucks.

The minute I set
foot in this dump,

my life went straight to hell.

So did mine.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello?

It's the police.

Yeah, Starla's here, but
she's busy holding us hostage,

but can I take a message?

Just give me the phone. What?

Hello? This is Bud Bundy.

Yeah, the guy with the dolls.

STARLA: Now, listen up, pigs.

I want a car to the airport,
I want a plane to Brazil

and $50,000 cash.

I demand the same thing.

And I need more Mountain Dew.

Oh, Lord, I've never been in
trouble with the police before.

Yeah, me neither.

Well, except for graduation
night at the academy.

Kelly, there's something
I've been meaning to tell you

for several minutes.

You make me feel all funny,

like my insides turned
into whipped cream.

Oh, when I look at you,
my... My legs turn to Jell-O.

Whipped cream and Jell-O,
they go real good together.

Oh, you're making me hungry.

OFFICER [OVER SPEAKER]:
Come out with your hands up.

Well, that's it. I am
gonna start offing people.

Then you're gonna
have to off me first, Starla,

because we're finished.

I don't want a life of crime.

But you want a life of trash?

If that trash's name
is Kelly Bundy,

then yes, ma'am, I do.

I love you, Kelly.

ALL: Aww...

You happy now, Peg?

You drove both our children
into the arms of criminals.

Well, I just wanted them
to do better than I did.

Lonnie,

I don't usually say
this fully clothed,

but I love you too.

Oh, well, thank you
very much, blondie.

You made it real easy for me

to decide who's
getting it first.

Starla, no!

[♪♪♪]

[GUNSHOT]

[GRUNTS]

Al's been hit!

Al, say something.

MARCY: Get out of the way.

I know CPR.

I'm fine!

I'm fine.

Oh, Al, we thought
you were shot.

Well, I was, Peg.

I think my little lucky shoehorn

must have had
a little luck left.

All right, we're here.

Sir, please
dismount the suspect.

Sir.

All right. Get off.

You saved my life.

Move, Dad!

Hey, Kelly, who's gonna have

the imprint of a
shoehorn in his chest

the rest of his life?

Daddy, this is no
time for riddles, okay?

Lonnie almost died.

Let's go, dirtbags.

BUD: Wait, wait.

Can we still be pen pals?

Oh, what the hell.

Write to me in care of the hole.

Wait, wait!

Kelly, this is not how I
dreamt of this moment.

But neither could I have dreamt
of meeting someone as beautiful

and perfect and smart as you.

Kelly Bundy,

will you marry me?

I thought you'd never ask.

I'll wait for you. I
will too, my darling.

No matter whose
wife I am in prison,

I'll always be your husband.

That is the sweetest
thing I've ever heard.

Oh, Al, our little
girl's getting married.

Isn't life wonderful?

Damn you.

[♪♪♪]