Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 11, Episode 20 - Damn Bundys - full transcript

Al dreams of playing for the Chicago Bears and taking them to the Superbowl. When the Devil appears to him, Al sells his soul to have the chance to take the Bears to the Superbowl. In the process, Al wins league MVP, and becomes a national sensation. The Devil of course takes the definition of the contract literally and chaos ensues.

Hey, Ma.

Hey, you guys, I think
maybe we haven't been paying

enough attention to Lucky.

Who's Lucky?

Any guy who goes
out on a date with Kelly.

[SCREAMING]

Oops.

Well, hasn't anyone else noticed
that he seems kind of depressed?

Well, what makes you
think something like that?

[♪♪♪]

BUD: Now, easy.
Easy now. AL: I'm going.



Watch it. AL: We're
gonna have so much fun

with this damn thing, Bud.

[SCREAMS]

Watch it. You're gonna
nick the side of the box.

You are never gonna get
that big, stupid thing in here.

That's what I said when I
carried you over the threshold.

Hi, neighbors.

Look, we brought you
some things to munch...

JEFFERSON: Hey! Hey!

Watch it. I'll
kill you for that!

Told you we should've
used the feed pole.

Well, enjoy.

And there's plenty more
where that came from.

All you have to do is stay
inside the entire weekend, okay?



Why?

Well, uh, my cousin
Mandy is coming for a visit.

And how can I put this nicely?

I don't want her to
be repulsed by you.

You know, not that
you're repulsive.

[BURPS]

[CLEARS THROAT]

Enough said.

But, you know, it's been
years since I've seen Mandy

and we were once very close.

In fact, we're identical.

So she's as obnoxious as you?

Identical cousins.

There's no such thing.

Well, sure there is.

Samantha and
Serena, Patty and Cathy.

Exactly.

♪ We walk alike We talk alike ♪

♪ Sometimes we
even Something-alike ♪

So there's another one
out there exactly like you?

Well, not exactly.

I am a little prettier.

If she's the pretty one,

imagine what the
cousin looks like.

[GAGGING]

Do you see I'm
trying to eat here?

Watch it now. Watch
it now. Watch it.

He fakes, he shoots, he scores!

I win again.

Relax, Dad. It's just foosball.

Just foosball, son?

This is the greatest
invention ever made.

Edward Foos was
a boy with a dream.

A dream to invent a game
that everyone can enjoy

no matter how out of
shape or drunk you are.

The boy's not right, Peg.

I knew that the day we
dropped him on his head

and he didn't scream.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hi, I'm Man... Nice wig, Marce.

Hey, Peg, look
here. The fifth Beatle.

[CHUCKLES]

[DOORBELL RINGING]

I'm not Marcy.

I'm Mandy, Marcy's cousin.

Wow, you and Marcy
really do look alike.

You think so? You
know I'm no supermodel,

but I never really thought
I looked like a chicken.

[LAUGHING]

I like her.

Uh, Marcy and Jefferson
went to meet you at the airport.

Oh, well, my flight was
early, so I took a cab.

You mind if I wait here?

No, not at all. Not at all.

Of course, uh, here
in the Windy City

it's customary to tip people
who let you into their home.

You must be Al.

Sadly, he must.

Hey, foosball.

You any good?

Is your cousin flat-chested?

Oh, score! Ha-ha!

I'm ahead.

Lucky shot.

That was a lucky shot.

Now can I play? Not now, Peg.

Score! Ha-ha!

I win.

We couldn't find my cousin at...

[GASPS AND SQUEALS]

Mandy!

Marcy!

[SQUEALING]

You look great.

Oh, so do you.

What are you doing here?

Oh, uh, we didn't
go out. She came in.

Which reminds me, we're...
We're out of onion dip.

Mandy, this is my Jefferson.

Don't you wish you
had one just like him?

You mean there's
another one of him too?

Wow, you're even
better-looking than Marcy said.

Oh, so are you.

Honey, why did you say
you were the pretty one?

Come on, now, we're right
in the middle of a game.

Marcy...

If you guys are identical,

how come she has...?

Implants.

Really?

Not that I like big,
luscious breasts.

They just get in the way.

BUD: Those pills
the vet gave Lucky

really have pepped him up.

KELLY: Don't you think that

he's a little bit too hyper?

BUD: Nah. No, he's fine.

Hell, he's burying a bone.

[WOOD CRACKING]

You know, we should give
some of those pills to Mom.

I did. How do you think
she got off the couch?

KELLY: Hey. MARCY: Hi.

Hi, Peggy.

I got your bonbons.

Guess what.

I am making Jefferson
his favorite supper tonight.

Why?

Because if a wife doesn't do it,

then some other woman might
come along and steal him away.

Even someone you least
expect, you know, like a cousin.

You know, a cousin
that all the boys like best

because she's such fun.

Boys like Jimmy Miller,

who showed Mandy
his baseball cards

and played keep-away
with little Marcy's undershirt.

Marcy, I'm really worried.

Maybe we shouldn't have
let Mandy spend the day

with Al and Jefferson.

Why, Peggy Bundy.

If I didn't know better,
I'd say you were jealous.

[AL LAUGHING]

What a game.

What was the final score?

Thirty-seven to 14.

That doesn't sound
like a baseball score.

It's not, that's how many
beers and hot dogs we had

before we decided
to pants Jefferson.

[MOCK LAUGHING]

Yeah, you kidders.

Luckily, it was Souvenir
Towel Day at the ballpark.

Hey, Marce, got you a T-shirt.

Keep-away! AL: Keep
it away from Marcy!

[ALL YELLING AND LAUGHING]

[CHANTING] Mandy! Mandy! Mandy!

JEFFERSON [CHANTING]:
Mandy! Mandy! Mandy!

Hey, you guys are so immature!

Give it back or I'm telling.

[AL AND JEFFERSON LAUGHING]

Hey, look what
Jefferson gave me.

He caught a foul ball.

Well, actually, it
was a home-run ball,

but, you know, no big deal.

He's been trying to catch
one of those his whole life.

Excuse me.

Al, new deal.

How would you like a nice
juicy pot roast for supper?

With those little potatoes?

And biscuits and gravy.

What do I gotta do?

All you have to do is keep
Mandy away from Jefferson

until she leaves tomorrow.

I can do that.

Mandy, you wanna
stay for dinner tonight?

Jefferson and I need
a little alone time.

Come on, honey.

Wait, you know,
I... I think I'll just stay

and hang out with Mandy.

Ow! Or I could come now.

Ow!

Hey, Peg, how would you
like a pot roast dinner tonight

with all the fixings?

Ooh, where are we going?

The kitchen.

I'm not cooking.

I'll do it. I love to cook.

Why can't you be
more like Mandy, Peg?

She likes foosball,
baseball, she likes to cook.

She's just like a wife but...

fun.

So marry her.

[CHUCKLING]

How about it, Mandy?

Me and you in Vegas,

a honeymoon at
football fantasy camp.

It sounds fun, Al,
but, uh, I'm involved.

Yeah?

Who's the lucky guy?

Barbara.

Hm.

Barbara?

Well, that sounds
like he might be

a little light in
the loafers, huh?

Well, actually, she's a little
heavy in the construction boots.

She?

Yes. Al, I'm gay.

Gay?

I can see that
you're shocked, Al.

Why do you think I went
with you to the Jiggly Room?

I thought you were
being a good sport.

Why do you think I was
blowing kisses to all the strippers?

You were aiming
at me and missing.

Did any of them kiss back?

But not Lolla, huh?

Of course not. Lolla's a guy.

What?

What? Calm down, Al.

That can't be.

How did a thing like
this happen to you?

What, did you get
stood up for the prom

or you went to prison?

I know. It was summer
camp, wasn't it?

You sprained a
muscle skinny-dipping

and the beautiful,
blond counselor...

Let's call her Betty.

Carried you back to her
cabin and gave you a massage.

And before you knew it

you were a love slave
in an all-girl sex cult.

Yeah, that's what happened.

You saw that in a
video, didn't you, Al?

Yeah. My favorite.

Mine too.

So you don't, um, have a problem
with two women being together?

No.

As long as there's
a guy watching.

[LAUGHING]

Ow.

Well, I've told everyone in
the family except for Marcy.

How do you think
she's gonna take it?

Are you crazy?

She's done a lot weirder
sex stuff than that.

I shouldn't be surprised.

She used to have to
pay boys to kiss her.

She still does.

So, Al, has your little
friend finally gone home

or do you want
her to sleep over?

Peg, uh, you don't have
to worry about Mandy.

Why? Because you
only have eyes for me?

[LAUGHING] No.

No, Peg, uh, Mandy's gay.

She is?

Yes, Peg.

I'm surprised you
couldn't pick it up.

I never miss a thing like that.

Gaydar.

It's a good thing the vet took
Lucky off those puppy uppers.

Yesterday he was chasing
cars and passing them.

Well, the vet
said that the pills

were just masking his pain.

I think he's depressed
because he's lonely.

So I, uh... I set up
this little date for him.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Kelly, only an idiot
would help a dog to date.

I'm Bud, I'll be your
waiter this evening.

Hey, Elaine. Hi, Frisky.

Frisky, that's Lucky.

And this is Loser.

Hi, Kelly. Hi.

Bye, Kelly.

Aw.

So, Frisky and Lucky.

Let's hope that also
describes their owners.

I can't believe you
went to so much trouble.

I love that you love
your dog this much.

Well, we want to
do whatever it takes

to get our furry
little friends together.

[TURNS ON MUSIC]

♪ And they called
it Puppy love ♪

♪ Oh, I guess
They'll never know ♪

♪ How a young
heart Really feels ♪

[DOG BARKS]

Oh, I'm sorry. I'll
be more gentle.

That wasn't me.

No, I don't make
that noise until later.

[YAWNS]

Lucky, be nice.

She's company.

Your dog doesn't like
my dog very much.

Sure he does. He's
just playing hard-to-get.

[WHISPERING] Okay,
so she's not your type.

Can't you just close your
eyes and pretend she's Lassie?

It's worked for me.

I can't believe how
rude your dog is.

Me neither. I'll have
him put to sleep.

We'll, uh... We'll just
play with your dog.

[GROWLS]

I have a better idea.

Why don't you
play with yourself?

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

PEG: Al, get the door.

I'm trying to, Peg.

Well, so much for honesty.

What, she kicked you out?

Well, not right away.

First she started screaming

and babbling something
about an undershirt.

I hate to impose, but
can I crash on your couch?

Well, that depends.

Won't turn it gay, will it?

[CHUCKLING]

No, I don't think so, Al.

[LAUGHING] Just checking.

Well, I better get on upstairs.

Uh, oh, uh, I trust you're
enough of a lady not to whistle

at my tight little behind
as I go up the stairs.

Al, I told you, I'm gay.

That may well be, but
there are some things

no woman can resist.

Hey, Mandy, I have a question.

Do you just like certain women?

Or would you sleep
with any woman on Earth

before you'd sleep with a man?

Well, it depends.

Give me a for instance.

Hm, for instance, uh,
you're on a desert island.

Who would you rather be
with, me or Cindy Crawford?

Cindy.

Me or Phyllis Diller?

Phyllis.

Me or Marge Schott?

You. But the whole
time we'd be doing it

I'd be thinking
of Phyllis Diller.

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

PEG: Al, get the door.

Yes, my queen.

[KNOCKING PERSISTS]

Oh, Jefferson, what
the hell do you want?

A place to sleep.

Hey, wait a minute. What...?

What are you two doing down
here together in your pajamas?

I thought you were, uh, gay.

I am.

Does Peggy know about this?

Peggy sent me down here.

[SCOFFS]

You people are... sick.

Yes, we are, Jefferson.

Sick enough to turn your
head into a gravy boat

if you don't get
the hell out of here.

I can't leave. Marcy's mad at me

just because I called
out Mandy's name in bed.

Excuse me.

You know, for a lesbian,

you sure spend a
lot of time with men.

And what are you doing
here in your pajamas?

Oh, I'm sorry, Peggy.

Marcy kicked me out.

And she threw away our ball.

Al Bundy, this
is all your fault.

Well, why is it all my fault?

It just is.

Get up.

I want you to go over to Marcy's

and tell her to get her
relatives out of my house.

Oh, that's a good idea, Peg.

Because when I see Marcy in
her pajamas, I'll have a seizure.

And then on my
way to the hospital,

between the
blaring of the sirens

and the paramedics
yelling "Clear,"

maybe then I can get some sleep.

Hate Mandy. Hate
Mandy. Hate Mandy.

Hate her. Hate her. Hate her.

AL: Marcy!

What are you doing up here?

Oh, you know me.

Can't keep me out of a
shrill woman's bedroom.

Go home. I'd like to.

But my living room is full of
women, men and your cousin.

Why is that, Marcy?

Because I hate Mandy,

and I never wanna
speak to her again.

Well, that's understandable.

No one should have
to speak with family.

If I were king,
I'd make it a law.

But you're the tree-hugging,
bra-burner around here.

What do you care if she's gay?

I don't hate Mandy
because she's gay.

I hate Mandy because
everyone likes her better than me!

[SOBBING] [WHIMPERING]

All our lives, Mandy
was the talented one.

Mandy was the popular one.

And the pretty one?

[CONTINUES SOBBING]

She stole all my boyfriends,
and now I've found out

she didn't even want them!

[BLOWS NOSE]

[BREATHLESSLY] Why does
everyone like her better than me?

Well, for starters,

she never blew her
nose in my pajama top.

I know I'm not perfect,

but I do have
some good qualities.

Sure, if you say so.

Name one?

Oh, jeez, I don't know.

Well, you... You... You've
got a high school diploma.

And, uh, you never let your
eyebrows grow together.

Perfect height
for a lawn jockey.

Wait a minute. I got it.

I'll bet you're the
reasonable one.

Me? Yes.

You're big enough
and wise enough

to sit down with Mandy over here

and talk this thing out.

Yeah. Yeah, you're right, Al.

I am the reasonable one.

[TITTERS]

Al? Yeah?

Are we alone
together in my bedroom

hugging in the
middle of the night?

Mm-hm.

[BOTH SCREAM]

See you at the All-Star Game.

One more game of foosball?

I'd love to, Al,

but Marcy's waiting to
take me to the airport.

Oh, yes. And we wouldn't
want Mandy to miss her plane.

[CHUCKLES]

You know, Peg, I'm really sorry

that we didn't get to
know one another better.

I think I know enough.

Well, there's one
thing you may not know.

Oh, really?

Yep.

I think you're gorgeous.

[GIGGLES]

Oh, really?

Don't be a stranger.

[LAUGHS]

Remember, she
was my friend first.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, guess what. Lucky's
not depressed anymore.

Found a little
friend in the park.

KELLY: His name's Spike.

I think they're in love.

[♪♪♪]