Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 11, Episode 16 - Breaking Up Is Easy to Do: Part 3 - full transcript

Al is having difficulties adjusting to being single. Marcy is more than happy to share with him the info that Peg is having a dinner party with a millionaire. Al doesn't believe him, so Marcy tells him that what Peg really wants is for Al to come to the dinner party...

[♪♪♪]

Oh.

Oh, Al, that's a beaut.

I haven't seen a shiner
that bad since I told my wife

she was starting
to look like Al Roker.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, it looks like
Marcy was right.

She said it was
only a matter of time

before some woman beat
the holy hell out of you.

I'll have you know

I got this black eye last night



explaining to a
jealous boyfriend

how the little lady would
rather stay with me.

Well, where is she?

I-I sent her out shopping
for a new waterbed.

This one has a leak,

and I worry so when she bounces.

So you just tell Marcy that I'm
doing just fine with the ladies.

That Al Bundy is not only
moving in the fast lane,

he's doing wheelies in it, baby.

Is that true, Al?

About the girl?

Every word of it.

Except the guy's
name was Sasquatch,

the girl left with him,
and there's an odor



coming from that
waterbed scares even me.

Are things really that bad?

Yes, things are that bad.

Married men can never
go back to being single.

See, there's this gene,

it's called the single gene.

It's in us when we're born

but as soon as we marry,
it mysteriously disappears.

Nobody knows why,
but I suspect it's removed

chromosome by
chromosome by our wives.

And how would
they go about this?

Do we really know why
they own so many tweezers?

So, Al, if they don't
like us being single,

why do they keep kicking
us out of the house?

That's part of
their cruel tricks.

See, without the single
gene, we're helpless.

We just wander around,
smelling of Rogaine and gin,

until finally,

we fall off our toilets and die.

Well, lookie here.

You know, I would have
thought grocery shopping for you

would involve
swinging from trees.

You know, I'd love to stand
here and chat with you, Marce

but I'd think standing this
close to the fryer section

would make you a little nervous.

So I guess I'll
just mosey along.

Fine. I was gonna talk
to you about Peggy,

but I guess you wouldn't
really be interested anymore.

Peg? Is Peg here?

No.

She's getting her hair done

for a little dinner party
that she's throwing tonight.

Oh, Peg is throwing
a dinner party.

Mm-hm. That's right.

She has a date with a
wealthy, gorgeous man.

She asked me to pick
out a nice wine for us.

Oh, excuse me.

Do you have a hearty Bordeaux?

Wine is aisle four.

Just step over Mrs. Bradley.

Oh, excuse me.

Uh, I'm spending the
evening with a supermodel

and, uh, are these all
the condoms you have?

Of course not.

I have more in back,

right next to the reality pills.

Let me get 'em.

Well, Al, have fun
with your supermodel.

Try not to get any paper cuts.

[TITTERS]

Okay, bullet head.

We both know
what's going on here.

I don't have a date
tonight, and Bonbon Betsy

isn't giving any dinner party.

Right, Al.

Yeah, the truth is, is
that Peggy was hoping

that you could come
to dinner tonight.

And I tried to
talk her out of it,

but you know how
stubborn she can...

Well, how about if I get
there around 6? Is that okay?

Perfect.

See you at 6.

"Ribbed for her pleasure."

They're never happy.

Hey, this isn't even warm.

We'll help you out, Mom. Yeah.

I mean, after all, we wanna make

a good impression on
Stepdaddy. That's right.

Which you are,

since you are
currently in Brazil,

saving the rainforest.

We are?

I hope we meet Sting.

Mom, why don't you
want us to meet this guy?

Same reason you never brought

your dates home to meet me.

Stepdaddy's a lazy,
bonbon-swilling Opraholic?

Do you know how difficult it is

for a single working
mom to meet a man?

Uh, wait a minute. Let's see.

You don't work,

and technically,
you're not single.

And you've never really
been much of a mom.

Bud, how could you say that?

She raised two kids who are
about to save the rainforest.

Hello?

Let me put it this way:

Either you get out of here,

or I'm gonna send you
to live with your father.

[BULLET RICOCHETS]

[WHEELS SCREECH]

So would anyone like
some more potato salad?

BRUCE: No, no.

Well, I-I hope you're
all enjoying your meal.

Mm. Mm-mm. Mm.

I've been enjoying
this bite for half an hour.

Uh, what is this, uh,

delightful crunchy coating?

Well, that's rust from the pan.

You know, iron is
really good for you.

[CHUCKLES]

I hope you saved
room for dessert.

Oh, God. I wonder
what dessert's gonna be.

Phlegm brulée?

I'll go find out.

Bruce, why don't
you tell Jefferson

about those car
dealerships you own?

[CHUCKLES]

Suck up to him, honey.

It could mean a job.

Have you heard about
the new Korean car?

It's got a Sun Myung Moon roof.

[LAUGHS]

Rich and funny.

God, I'm a catch.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, he's wonderful, Peggy.

He reminds me of Jefferson,

except with his
own credit cards.

I know. You know,
he is perfect, but I...

Well, if you don't
want him, I'll take him.

Well, what about Jefferson?

Who's Jefferson?

[COUGHS, CHOKES]

Are you...? Are you all right?

[CHOKING] Oh.

Uh, all right, all
right, here we go.

[CHOKES] Up, up. Come on, up.

[WHEEZES]

[GRUNTS] Ah!

[GAGS]

[GRUNTS] Ah!

[GRUNTS] Ah!

[GRUNTS] Ah!

Wow, Jefferson
must really want a job.

[COUGHS]

You know, if you didn't like it,

you could have just
spit it up into your napkin.

No, no, no, that was wonderful.

It's just that I hate to see you
slaving away in the kitchen.

From now on, we eat out.

Ooh.

Can we go to one of
those fancy French places?

Well, my darling, if this
year-end Yugo-palooza sale

goes as well as I expect, I'll
be taking you to dine in Paris.

Oh. [CHUCKLES]

Ever made love
in the Eiffel Tower?

Ah. Well, no,

but once I frenched a
guy in the Sears Tower.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Al.

Well, what are you doing here?

I invited him.

Al, I'd like you to meet
Peggy's new boyfriend.

Bruce.

[SHUTTER CLICKS]

Look, Jefferson, we
have our Christmas card.

Gee, Peg, you...

You really have a new boyfriend.

Well, this is an awkward
moment. Heh, heh.

Fortunately, I'm
so self-centered

it's not gonna bother me.

Well, me either.

Uh,

the only reason I
accepted Marcy's invitation

was an excuse
to... To see my dog.

Hey there, fella.

How you doing there?

Hey, I brought you some,
uh, bonbon biscuits here.

Uh, you can't imagine
how I miss this guy.

[CHUCKLING]

Didn't he used to be bigger?

That was Buck.

Oh.

Well, uh, goodbye,
all. I gotta be going.

Frankly, coming
back to this house

is giving me the
willy-squidgets.

Oh, well, let me show you out.

This is the happiest
day of my life.

Hey, no problem.

Well, that went well.

AL: Here's some flowers for you.

[MARCY GAGS]

[SPITTING]

[SIGHS] I can't believe we
finally get to meet Stepdaddy.

[GIGGLES]

Now, remember,

he's gonna be trying
to buy our affection.

So to really rake it in, I
suggest we play hard to get.

Play what?

Hard to get.

Uh, i-it's like when
you have a date,

and you decide to wear a bra.

Oh, right. Yeah, there you go.

Okay, baby, I got it.

PEG: Kids, Bruce will
be here any minute.

Now, remember: Put
your best foot forward.

What's she talking about?
They look exactly the same.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Okay. That's him. Okay.

Now, remember: hard to get.

KELLY: Hard to get. Right.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Hi. I'm Bruce... Hi.

We love you, Stepdaddy. Oh.

Kelly, Kelly.

That's, uh... That's
not playing hard to get.

It is for me.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Nice to meet you, Mr. Right.

Yeah, I thought you
two would be in Brazil,

saving the rainforest.

Oh, well, we had to
come back 'cause, uh,

we forgot our umbrellas.

It was, like, whoo,
raining. Ha, ha, ha.

You know what I mean?
Actually, we live here.

Uh, you ought to know that
Kelly and I are extremely protective

of our... Our dear mother.

We want only the best for her.

Oh, me too.

That's why I've been
thinking that maybe

you two should be leaving
this split-level Porta-Potty

and taking responsibility
for your own lives.

[WHIMPERS]

He's a wicked stepdaddy.

Kelly, hug him hard,

and don't let go until
you got his wallet.

Mmm.

Well, I see you've
met my daughter.

[CHUCKLES]

Are we still dating?

Yes, of course.

Yes. Heh.

But this would make a
great Penthouse letter.

You have to dump him. Yeah.

He's a bad man.

He's a... He's a very bad man.

Mm. He doesn't like us.

Yeah, but most people don't.

Have you ever thought
that it might be you?

[MUTTERS]

Mom, he's trying to
take you away from us.

I know that, and don't
you try to stop him.

All right, all right.

We didn't wanna
have to tell you this,

but he's a woman.

And... And, uh,
he... He touched me.

You wish.

Now, look, I know
that Bruce isn't perfect,

and he doesn't have your
father's animal magnetism,

or his animal scent,

or his hairy knuckles,

but what he does have is money.

Enough to turn me
into a lady of leisure.

Mom, if you were any more
leisurely, you'd be unconscious.

Yes, but I'd be unconscious
on a suede couch,

with a big-screen TV

and a maid serving me
bonbons, right, Bruce?

[CHUCKLES]

Uno momento, por favor.

I get it now. He's
just using Mom

to get his green card.

Should you do me the
honor of becoming Mrs. Right,

I'm sure you'll wanna
learn how to cook and clean.

Why can't I have a maid?

You're rich.

And I plan to stay that way.

[CHUCKLES]

I certainly don't
wanna end up like this.

What about eating out
all around the world?

Oh, we can do that
while we're courting.

But as we say in
the car business,

heh, you don't have to kiss ass

once you close the deal.

And just what makes you think
that I wanna close the deal?

I just assumed that.

I mean, a top-of-the-line
model like myself

doesn't stay long on
the showroom floor.

And although you
are very attractive,

we can't turn your
odometer back.

Excuse me, but nobody
talks to my mother like that.

Oh, yeah? What are you
gonna do about it, junior?

Kelly?

[GRUNTS] [GROANS]

KELLY: Get. Get.

Get out of here!

If you're in the market
for a used car, call me.

Get out of here.

Ha!

[LAUGHS]

Now, you know what Dad
would do if he was here right now?

He'd lead us in a "Whoa Bundy."

Yeah, but he's not here,

so it's a "No Bundy."

What are you saying, Mom?

You miss Dad?

More than words can say.

[♪♪♪]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[GROUND RUMBLING]

[AIRPLANE APPROACHING]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

I told you.

Technically, my rent is not due

until after the 15th
of the... Hi, Peg.

Oh, hi, Al.

Can I come in?

In here?

Uh, yeah. J-just a minute, Peg.

E-excuse me.

Come in.

Sorry the, uh,

place is a little
bit of a mess here,

but, uh, well, uh,

mm, I-I live here.

Oh, well, that's okay.

You know, I just
came over to, um...

Uh, to talk about the kids.

Oh. Yeah.

Sorry, Peg, I'd take
the kids off your hands,

but the manager here says
that he won't allow pets or kids,

and Bud and Kelly
fall in there somewhere.

Oh, it's not that.
It's just that, uh...

Well, you know, I-I'm
worried about Bud.

He's been getting
into a lot of fights lately,

and... And I thought you
should know about that.

Well, I certainly should.

I am still the boy's father,
and if he's getting in fights,

I should be there
to congratulate him.

I'll stop over tomorrow
right after work.

Oh.

Okay. Heh.

So, uh, how is work?

Oh, you know,
uh, can't complain.

Well, you could try.

You know, the kids and I kind
of miss your little shoe stories.

Well, there, uh...

[CHUCKLES] was this woman

who came in the store today,

tried on every black
high heel we had in stock,

and then told us she
was just browsing.

So just as she was leaving,

someone plugged her right
in the ass with a 7 EEE clog.

Don't know who.

Someone who
could rifle a football

40 yards downfield, I'll bet.

Could be.

[BOTH LAUGH]

[SIGHS] [SIGHS]

So how are things with you, Peg?

Oh, pretty good. Heh.

Marcy sends her hate.

Marcy. An amazing amount
of spunk for a stick figure.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, you know what, Al?

I brought you something.

See?

It has your name
right on the label.

"A. Bundy."

You bought me my own TV Guide.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, you know, we have
been married for 25 years.

[CHUCKLES]

Since you were
18 and I was, uh, 9.

Yeah.

Boy, we had some good
times, didn't we, Peg?

Didn't we?

Gee, I haven't given
it much thought.

[CHUCKLES]

Probably.

Well, I guess I better be going.

Oh, what am I thinking?

I-I don't have a ride.

Kelly and her date
dropped me off.

Oh, well, I suppose I
could give you a ride.

Well, if it wouldn't
be too much trouble.

No, no trouble.

Well, Peg, here we are.

Here we are where?

Come on, Peg.

Don't you remember Maple Lane?

And the maple
tree on Maple Lane?

Oh, Al.

This is where we parked
the very first time we...

Yep.

The first time we
ever had a fight.

I don't remember
much about the fight,

but I sure do
remember making up.

[CHUCKLES] Oh...

Oh, Al.

Since this was our
biggest fight ever,

will we have our
biggest makeup ever?

You got that right, babe.

Just like this car,

we're built to last.

[♪♪♪]