Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 11, Episode 13 - T*R*A*S*H - full transcript

Jefferson has joined the National Guard. He tells Al and Griff of the benefits: for one weekend once every month, one gets to party with a bunch of guys and even get paid for it! Of course,...

You know, something
really stinks in here.

We are watching Fox.

Al, did you take out the trash?

I'll take it out when there's
enough for a whole load.

Okay.

I know you people are
used to living in a cesspool.

So you're probably not even
bothered by this garbage strike.

Wait a minute. How
can trash go on strike?

Hang up your fishnets
and stay in all night.

But on behalf of the
entire neighborhood,

I demand that you do something



to improve the look
of things around here.

Now I've done my part.

Marcy is absolutely right.

We have to get together
by getting rid of this garbage.

Now, I'll hand you the bags.

You throw them over
in the D'Arcys' yard.

[♪♪♪]

Go, go, go.

Oh, man, these
guys don't hustle.

Lazy bums.

Bums is right.

Al, can you hand me that beer?

Can't reach.

Atten-hut!



As you were.

You are looking at
2nd Lieutenant D'Arcy,

National Guard Reserves.

More like GI-joke.

Hey, this action figure
is anatomically correct.

After living with Marcy
all these years, I doubt it.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

What's the scam?

No scam. I'll just say
goodbye to Marcie.

BOTH: There's the scam.

Hey, it's a great deal.

One weekend out of every
month, you get three hots and a cot.

You get to party with a bunch
of guys and you get paid.

Sounds like my ex-wife's job.

Uncle Sam will pay me

to leave Peg and the
kids for the weekend?

You have to go through
basic training first.

But you don't have to
go to your regular job,

and your boss
still has to pay you.

I am suddenly feeling the
need to serve my country.

Oh, wait a minute.

Aren't we too old
to join the reserve?

Well, you're pretty much
too old for everything.

[LAUGHING]

But with my connections,
I think I can get you in.

BOTH: Hoo-ah.

That's the kind of fighting
spirit we're looking for.

We'll be the few, the proud...

We'll be the best
that we can be.

No, guys, the National
Guard's motto is:

“If it happens on a
weekend... we'll be there.”

I'm open. I'm open.

Eight touchdowns.

Hey, hey, let's do top bunks
versus bottom bunks now.

Al, I think it may be
time to hit the hay.

What? Are you old?

Yeah.

Me too.

Oh, man, this pillow is lumpy.

At least it doesn't have
red hair and begs for sex.

[LAUGHING]

Man, this is the life.

Ahhh.

[WHISTLE BLOWING]

Rise and shine, ladies.

Hope you had a good night sleep,

because your
nightmare begins now.

Do you hear me?
ALL: Sir, yes, sir.

[YAWNS]

Am I disturbing you, private?

Al Bundy.

Al Bundy, sir.

Well, no one's called
me sir in a long, long time.

How about moron?

They've called you
that, haven't they?

Sir, yes, sir.

Ladies' shoe salesman.

Well, you're in the reserve now.

You're not in some
candy-ass mall.

You haven't seen my customers.

Every day it's the battle
of the bulge, right, Griff?

Who's Griff? Somebody
here called Griff?

Drop and give me 50, mall scum.

All I got here is this five.

Pushups, you idiot.

And your little
buddies here too.

Okay. Top 10 reasons we're glad

your father has gone
to boot camp. Okay.

Number 10, your father is gone.

[GIGGLING]

Number nine, he took
his socks with him.

Number eight, we don't
have to hide the food.

Good.

Number seven,
the drains flow free.

I think you know why I'm here.

All the flies in
the neighborhood

have named you queen?

Peggy, this is just
some of the garbage

your obnoxious children
have dumped in my yard.

How dare you accuse
my obnoxious children?

There's no way that you can
prove that that's our garbage.

Color Me Cheetahs by Clairol.

Go, Dog, Go!

I can't believe
you threw this out.

I haven't even
finished it yet, Bud.

Bunch of dogs, big party,
nothing happens, the end.

Sounds like one of your dates.

Okay. You have two choices.

I can either bury you
headfirst in my compost heap

or you come with me and
pick up every piece of garbage

that you have dumped in my yard.

You mean since
the garbage strike,

or since you've moved in?

Let's go, let's... [CRIES OUT]

You're not worthy of the Guard.

We're not worthy of the Guard.

You're out of shape
with butts of lard.

We're out of shape
with butts of lard.

Oink off, three, four.

Oink off. We're sore.

I swear, you two are slower
than snails in molasses.

That's a good one.
Coming from a guy

whose girlfriend
starred in Babe.

I wish.

Oh, Griff.

I can't take it anymore.

I quit.

Al, you can't quit.

If you quit, you've
got to go home.

[AL SCREAMS]

[♪♪♪]

Hey, wait a minute.

I can't climb this wall.

Sure you can, buddy. Don't quit.
Let me show you how it's done.

I can't.

It can't be done.

Nobody can possibly
use skills like that...

Running through tires,
waving your arms up in the air?

It's like screaming,
“Shoot me. Shoot me”"

Don't tempt me, shoe boy.

Sir, good afternoon, sir.

And may I add your medals

are particularly
shiny today, sir.

Why are you sucking
up to this guy?

Oh, I get it.

So, high heel,

are you going to finish
this course or not?

Can't, sir. Tired, sir.

Then let me help you rest.

[SOBBING]

Well, good news, ladies.

You're getting
that well-deserved

psychiatric leave, sir?

No, I've used them all up.

The news is basic
training is cut short.

Thank God. I'll pack.

I'll warm up the car.

Not so fast, maggots.

This unit's been activated.

We're going on a mission.

Permission to know where, sir.

Denied. Now go home,

make love to your widows,

and report back
here at 1600 hours.

Al, I'm scared.

You're scared?

I gotta go home and
make love to Peg.

We're in business, Kel.

I got the fan belt off of
Mrs. D'Arcy's Mercedes.

It serves her right for making
us take our garbage back.

Okay. I left the D'Arcys'
attic window open.

Are you sure this
thing is aimed right?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Now, I've calculated
the exact trajectory,

taking into account mass,
angle, velocity and wind speed.

And, of course, your
complete lack of sex appeal.

What does that
have to do to with it?

Well, I had so many variables.

I needed one constant.

You know, it's amazing
how you can figure out

such a difficult
mathematical equation

but yet you can't find your
way out of a frat house.

I can too.

I just yell, “I'm pregnant”

and the next thing you
know, I'm out in the alley.

Okay. Let's let her rip.

Okay.

And here we go.

Pull. Ha-ha.

Yeah.

What are you kids up to?

Recycling.

Well, family, I'm off to
fight the forces of evil.

That's nice, dear.

Will someone pay attention here?

They're having me go
out to fight horrible people,

probably the French.

You may never see me again.

Dad, I been thinking,
maybe I should join the Army.

I hear women are
attracted to men in uniform.

It's not the uniform, son.

It's knowing that
he's been trained

to obey orders and eat crap.

Oh, no, Daddy is
going away again?

Now, this time he's
joined the Post Office.

Don't worry, pumpkin,

Daddy is not going to any
place as dangerous as that.

Kel, I thought you of all people

would recognize a
man in a military uniform.

This is what they look like on?
Oh, my God. They're so cute.

Honey, you shouldn't say
things like that to Daddy

after he's just been
trained to use a gun.

Peg.

Don't you want to
kiss me goodbye?

Tonight I may be
standing in harm's way.

Al, I don't care
where you're standing

as long as it isn't in
front of Ricki Lake.

Bud, until I come back,

you're going to be
the man of the family.

Make me proud, son.

I will, Dad, and don't worry.

I'll keep all your Big 'Uns safe
and sound until you get back.

That's not necessary, son.

What the hell do you
think I got in this bag?

Daddy, be very careful.

Oh, Kel, what are
you worried about?

The National Guard is nothing

but a bunch of Boy
Scouts with beer bellies.

You take it all for granted,

don't you, you little pinkos?

Well, keep this in mind.

The National Guard
is the thin green line

that separates you
from total anarchy.

And I'm damn proud to do
anything my country asks of me.

I'm not doing it.

You can't make
me pick up garbage.

You do what I tell you to do

and any more lip
out of you and I'll...

tell.

I wouldn't have done this
if it wasn't for you guys.

“Join the Reserve.
See the state.”

Excuse me.

Is this mission interfering
with your whining?

Now, these strikers are
angry. Watch your backs.

Oh, like I'm afraid of
some garbage men.

What are they gonna do?
Make noise early in the morning?

Incoming!

Run away. Run away.

Told you so.

And hit. Whoo-hoo.

That was a good one, Kel.

You know, I kind of wish
Daddy was here to enjoy this.

Oh, I know.

I can't believe he hasn't
even written since he left.

Mom, he's only been
gone for four hours.

Well, in that case, I guess
I better get on with my life.

Maybe you should throw
over your father's clothes.

I could really use
the closet space.

Look. I'm gonna have to
adjust this tension. Okay?

Okay. Now...

Whatever you do,
don't touch that lever.

What, this one?

[SCREAMS]

Cool.

Way to navigate, Jefferson.

I am your commanding officer.
I should be addressed as sir.

But if I called you sir,
what would I call your wife?

And for your
information, we're not lost.

Now, according to this map,

we can't be more than
a finger away from base.

Which finger? This one?

Oh, very nice.

You owe the good
people of Waukegan

an apology for
that little gesture.

Lieutenant D'Arcy,
I want to say this

in the most respectful
way possible.

Get us home or we're
gonna frag your ass.

DRILL INSTRUCTOR [ON
RADIO]: Come in, Ziploc team.

Are you out there? Over.

We read you, over.

Listen up, men. The Hefty
team is taking a big dumpster.

We need backup at
23rd and Addison. Copy?

Roger. On our way. Over. Okay.

Okay. We have to go
through the auto yard.

Griff, you should
go first. Good idea.

I don't think so.

Let me rephrase.

I'm ordering you to go first.

Then let me rephrase. Bite me.

Haven't you ever
seen a war movie?

The black man
always gets it first.

What do you mean?

Jim Brown in The Dirty Dozen.

Laurence Fishburne
in Apocalypse Now.

Bubba in Forrest Gump.

Any black man in Star Trek.

We go in, test the
waters, get killed,

and you white guys go
home to your families.

See, we both lose.

Will you two pipe down.
The strikers will hear us.

Now, come on. Let's move out.

MAN: Garbage
men, get out of here.

[CROWD MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY]

Come on, Griff.

Look out.

Man down. Cover us. Cover us.

Gotcha.

Oh, Griff.

Griff, why? Oh, why? Oh, why?

That shell was meant for me.

Oh, listen, Al.

Would you do something
for me? Anything, buddy.

If I don't make it, would
you look up my ex-wife and...

And tell her that you love her?

No, tell her that she's a bitch.

You'll be able to tell
her that in person, buddy.

Oh, my God, a
grenade! Take cover!

It's an avocado, Jefferson.

Why don't you throw yourself
on it and we'll have guacamole.

I-I can't take the
pressure. I want my Marcy.

Come in. Anyone. Help.

DRILL INSTRUCTOR [ON RADIO]:
I can't help you, Ziploc. I'm alone.

I'm pinned under a Dumpster
on the other side of the wall.

What should we do?

Pull out. Save your candy-asses.

You heard the
man, let's go home.

I got some yolk in my
ear, but I think I can drive.

I'm going in after him.

Are you crazy?

Maybe so.

But I'm going to
show that sergeant

that High Heel Bundy
is no candy-ass.

[♪♪♪]

[GUNSHOTS]

I'm coming, sarge.

DRILL INSTRUCTOR: Forget
it, High Heel, you'll never make it.

The hell I won't.

Sorry, sarge.

You're a fool.

You'll never move this Dumpster.

Oh, yeah?

You're looking at a man
who pried a 500-pound woman

from a size six pump.

[GRUNTING]

[♪♪♪]

Well, Private Bundy,

you followed my orders
and saved the sarge.

Nice try, Panty Waist.

If anyone's a hero
around here, it's Bundy.

Gee, thanks, sarge.

I don't know but I've been told.

Garbage stinks when it gets old.

Let's go have a
beer that's cold.

And leave the Guard
Because we're too old.

Sound off. One, two.

Sound off. Three, four.

You know, Bud, it's a good thing
that you landed on Mrs. D'Arcy

or you could have
really gotten hurt.

I am hurt, Kelly.

Stop whining.

The first time in months
you've been on top of a woman

and she even screamed.

Damn, I'm good.

You know, Bud, according
to this insurance policy,

if your father comes home
looking half as bad as you,

we'll make a fortune.

The garbage strike is over

because Corporal
Bundy struck back.

Oh, Daddy. Oh, Al, you're home

and all in one piece.

How are my girls?

Bud, you bulked up
since I've been gone.

I'm in a body cast, Dad.

Well, it looks good on you.

Come on, Bud, I think Mom
and Dad would like to be alone.

Okay. Okay. But
just don't touch my...!

Don't touch my hand!

[SCREAMS]

Oh, Al, I'm so proud of you.

You ended the garbage
strike and you got a promotion.

Yeah, Peg, I was awarded
the Bronze Dumpster.

You know, Al, all wars are
followed by a baby boom.

Let's repopulate.

Oh, Peg, I can't. I...

I was injured in battle.

I'm not the man I was.

Oh, great.

One injury and it's a
pre-existing condition.

[GARBAGE TRUCK APPROACHING]

Incoming!

[♪♪♪]