Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 11, Episode 12 - Grime and Punishment - full transcript

Since Bud is actually earning money, Al starts charging rent for the basement. Bud and Al sign a lease and Bud pays his rent, after which he claims that the "apartment" is in need of repair. A health inspector declares the basement condemned and gives him a month to get the basement repaired. Al then is forced to wear an electronic neck band that prevents him from leaving the basement.

Okay, Peg. I tried
to use our ATM card.

I stuck it in.

It spit it out.

And it laughed at me.

Sound familiar?

How many times
have I told you, Al?

You got to stick
it in the right way.

And, you know,
pressing the right buttons

wouldn't hurt either.

Peg, you got to stop
wasting all our money.

I'm not wasting
it. I'm investing it.



Yes, Peg, and nothing
appreciates faster

than these Little
Rascals Last Supper

commemorative plates.

Doesn't Alfalfa make
a haunting Judas?

You know, these aren't
available in any store.

Whereas food, which often
appears on the plate, is.

Oh.

Forgive him, Buckwheat,
he knows not what he does.

Peg, this home
shopping has got to stop.

Okay, Al.

Where are you going?

I am going to
Shopaholics Anonymous.

Good.

But first I need a new dress.



Hey.

Daddy, I need 100 bucks

for something really,
really, really important.

Uh, pumpkin, you're not gonna
buy another bridge, are you?

What would I do
with six bridges?

No, it's for my acting career.

I'm taking an improve class.

You know, improvisation
where you make things up?

Why don't you make up 100 bucks?

Okay. Thanks.

Wait a minute. How am I supposed
to make up money I don't have?

Ask your mother.

Great news, everybody.

It's official.

Oh, Illinois finally recognized

the sacred bond between
you and your hand.

Just like the sacred
bond between you

and anyone with
a shiny new penny.

Dad, I just got
a big infomercial

for one of my new clients.

Hey, hey, hey, now,

does that mean that
you're making money?

Well, not like you tried
to do at Kinko's but...

That would have worked if
I'd sprung for the color copies.

Anyway, I'm earning my money.

Well, son, if you're
earning money,

that means you
can pay some rent.

Rent?

Now, son, it was one thing
when were you in school

which, by the way,
I never approved of.

Why me?

Why don't you charge
Kelly rent? Or Mom?

Well, son, Kelly hasn't
slept here in years.

And if I try to charge
your mother rent,

she might expect... things.

No way am I paying
rent for that dump.

Well, then you
know the drill, Bud.

The best shopping
carts are at Foodtown.

[♪♪♪]

Hey, Daddy?

I need to do some homework
for my improve class

so give me a situation.

Daddy's watching
the baseball game.

[SNAPS FINGERS] Got it.

[GROANS]

[SIGHS]

Now Daddy's mowing the lawn.

Damn lawn. Damn kids. Damn wife.

Forget it, Peg, no sex tonight.

Okay, honey. Just as well.

Improv class? [LAUGHS]

Yes, best money I ever
spent, with all due respect

to the My Three Sons
Holy Trinity serving tray.

KELLY [GRUNTING]: Damn thing.

[GRUNTING]

[IMITATING MOWER
ENGINE SPUTTERING]

Well, son, where have you been?

I slept in Lucky's doghouse.

You have any idea what it's
like sleeping with somebody

who's constantly
panting and licking you

and wagging their
tail all in your face?

Welcome to my world, son.

This isn't fair, Dad.

You didn't charge me
anything when I lived upstairs.

Well, that's because that
was a less desirable location.

That was, uh, near your mother.

All right, fine.

How much rent do
you think would be fair?

Son, I got that all figured out.

It's based on a very
complicated formula

that I've been working on
since the day that you were born.

Oh, look, it's Bud's baby book.

Hey, I didn't know you guys
kept one of those for me.

Why, sure. Oh.

Oh, now look at this:
Baby's first expense.

Yeah, one broken condom.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

[SIGHS]

Oh, and look, Bud,
your first pacifier.

A sock?

[SNICKERS]

If we gave him a little more
rubber when he was teething,

he wouldn't be dating it now.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Oh, look, Bud, your first words.

"Bud need food."

"Bud want food."

"Ouch"?

Nobody likes a whiny baby, Bud.

[AL LAUGHS]

Why aren't there any
pictures of me in here?

Well, frankly, son, you
were one ugly baby.

Oh! [LAUGHS]

I thought you were beautiful.

Oh, come on, Peg, you
used to diaper his face.

[LAUGHS]

That's because he was colicky.

Oh, now, son, it's all here.

Every fond moment and every cent

that you cost me from
the time you were born.

One soda. That's 65 cents.

You're still
writing it all down?

Oh, no. We're way beyond that.

[BEEPS]

This... This is insane.

Okay. Okay, fine.

I'll pay you 200 a month

but I want to make it legal.

Here's a check
and here's a lease.

[KELLY IMITATING MOWER ENGINE]

That's a deal.

Great. Now that I am paying you,

you can make the repairs.

What repairs?

Look, I know my rights.

As your legal tenant,

I can report you to
the Housing Authority.

And as your legal father,

I can give you five
across the eyes.

There's absolutely nothing
wrong with that basement.

This basement is condemned.

On what possible basis?

For one thing, I'm
standing in raw sewage.

Ma'am, your control
problems are not my concern.

What about these rats?

Well, how...? How
did they get in here?

They're trying to get out.

This wiring is
clearly substandard.

Well, now that's impossible.
I did the work myself.

[ELECTRICITY BUZZING]

Mr. Bundy, you've had a
month to get this place in shape.

Well, you've had your
whole life to get in shape.

You don't see me condemning you.

That's it.

Mr. Bundy, you are a slumlord,

and by the power vested in me
by the Department of Housing,

you are confined
to this basement

until you agree to
make repairs. What?

But what if there's a fire?

Those wires are
clearly substandard.

What the... What the
hell are you doing?

This is an electronic
mobility-limitation device.

It'll prevent you from
leaving the premises.

Much like your
hips in a turnstile.

If you come within
2 feet of this device

or 10 feet from it,

you will be shocked.

[LAUGHING] Yeah, right.

Like that scares me.

Like this collar is gonna
keep me in this hellhole.

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

[LAUGHS]

Come get me. Come on. Come on.

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]

It's fascinating.

Despite three hours of
negative conditioning,

the subject continues
to go for the food.

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]

Son of a bitch!

What an idiot.

You know, I think Daddy
needs some exercise.

No. We are not letting him out.

Oh, no, no, no. I was thinking
about getting him one of those,

you know, those
giant hamster wheels.

Just to keep him running.

Kelly, where do you think
you're gonna get one of those?

Duh? At the giant hamster store?

"Note to journal regarding
long-term subject:

"IQ still plummeting.

No sign of bottom."

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]

Dad, are you gonna
make the repairs?

No, you degenerate
little ingrate.

Hey, now.

That language might have
been okay when I was a child,

but now that I'm paying rent,

I expect to be
treated like an adult.

An adult?

You still live at home.

You still work at the mall.

Yeah? Well, it
must have paid off,

because I'm up for
assistant manager.

If I can ever get out of here.

Well, you can get out of here
when you make the repairs.

No way. It's a
matter of principle.

Maybe I can bribe my wait out.

How about a hundred bucks?

That's Kinko's money. Forget it.

Okay, 200.

Three hundred. No way.

What do you think,
this stuff is free?

Every hundred-dollar
bill costs 8 cents.

Where's the original?

Huh? I left the original
in the copy machine!

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]

[GROANS]

"Idiocy obviously hereditary.

In females."

PEG: Oh, Al,

you promised to
take out the garbage.

[CHUCKLES]

Gee, I'm sorry,
Peg, I'd love to.

But one more shock and
my liver will be medium well.

PEG: But then who's
gonna rub my bottom?

[CHUCKLES]

Peg, I'm sorry, but
the law is the law.

I did the crime, so I
should do the time.

[WHISPERING] Al. Psst! Hey.

Jefferson.

I'm stuck.

Well, divorce her.
Just leave me out of it.

I came here to rescue you but...

But there's a really big spider

coming right towards me.

Hey, getting stuck down here

is the best thing that
ever happened to me.

What are you talking
about, Al? This is a prison.

This isn't prison.
Upstairs is a prison.

That's hard time.

Warden Red is always
threatening to stick me in the hotbox.

MARCY: Okay, let
me get this straight.

Al is stuck here.

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

And I get to torture him.

[GIGGLES]

Here's another hundred.

Now, you enjoy yourself.

But remember, you
gotta be out by 2.

You'd be surprised at how
many people want to torture Dad.

No, I wouldn't.

So, Dad,

are you sure you're having fun?

Yup.

Well, in that case, let's
play Wheel of Torture.

Our first contestant

hails from next door.

She's a banker, an avid golfer

and, uh, quite a
screamer in bed.

You live next door,
you hear things.

Well, what's she going to
do, Bud, peck my eyes out?

Sit on me till I
crack? Ooh-hoo-hoo!

[LAUGHING]

Al,

did I ever tell you about
how I became a feminist?

It all started when I read
The Feminine Mystique

and I threw away my Lady Schick.

That's two mistakes.

Did you ever notice

how the nipples
on that poster seem

to follow you around the room?

That is so degrading to women.

[JEFFERSON GROANS]

Anyway...

My true awakening occurred

when I decided to take
charge of my own orgasms.

You know, Al, how my
womanhood blossomed.

Oh, God, how my
stomach is churning.

You know, I
couldn't have done it

without the support
of my women's group.

One day, we all sat in a circle

naked, but non-judgmental,

and then all six of us
pulled out our hand mirrors

and guess what happened?

F-forty-two years of bad luck?

That day inspired an epic poem.

I think that I shall never see

My G-spot smiling back at my me

[SIGHS]

I got to give you
credit, big guy,

I can't believe that
didn't break you.

You forget who I'm married
to. Torture is my middle name.

Well, then, let's meet
guest number two.

She's an aspiring
actress, an annoying sister,

and she's just
mastered the alphabet.

Kelly Bundy, come on down!

How, Daddy.

Kelly will now improv the
history of the United States.

Enjoy.

[LAUGHING]

Is that your real
name, John Smith?

Me thinkum this
one big kiss-off.

[TOMAHAWK THUDS] [AL SCREAMS]

Sorry, Chief Thunder Pants.

Ah, what a glorious
day for our new country.

We defeated the British
and I have a new baby boy.

I'm gonna name him Bob Dole.

[IN SOUTHERN
ACCENT] General Sherman,

you have lit more
than Atlanta on fire.

As God is my witness, I
will never be horny again.

Houston,

we have a problem.

[IMITATING OXYGEN HISSING]

We can see Uranus.

We seem to have
an asteroidal flap.

[IMITATING OXYGEN HISSING]

Hey, is this thing on?

He still won't make the repairs.

He is so stubborn.

Hm, you should see
him on bath night. Ha-ha.

Well, I did my best with
the Chinese daughter torture.

All right. Somehow
we gotta come up with

the perfect torture for Daddy.

Now, what does he find really
repulsive and unbearable?

Why are you looking at me?

[WHIRRING]

Boy, in a couple of years,
this stuff really builds up.

[SIGHS]

You know, it's not
half bad down here.

A couple of repairs, a
fellow could live down here.

[DOOR CREAKS OPEN]

[♪♪♪]

W-who's there?

[♪♪♪]

[DOOR CLOSES]

Oh, Al,

it's time for your
conjugal visit.

Okay. Bud, help me!

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]

[SCREAMING]

Shut up, Al. You're
my bitch now.

Oh, the horror.

The horror.

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING] Huh?

No, no, Peg. No, I can't.

My knees are all
skinned. I'm bruised.

I got a press-on
nail stuck in my butt.

Relax, Dad. It's me.

Oh. Oh, son, thank God.

Son, get me out of this thing
before that thing comes back.

You promise to make the repairs?

[WHIMPERING] Okay, son, you win.

You win.

Gee, Dad.

Mom left teeth marks
all over your neck.

No, son. That was me. I
tried to sever my own jugular.

Damn clotting.

Okay. I'll let you go, but
you... You gotta promise

to give me a head start.

Why, sure, son.
What do you think?

I'm gonna track you down
like a dog and kill you?

Sure, a normal father would
do that, but we're Bundys.

Oh, God, what does that
mean? You're gonna eat me?

No, Bud. I...

I want to give you a pat
on the back. See, son, I...

I never thought you
took much after me.

I always thought you were
more of a Wanker than a Bundy.

Why?

Well, you know, your
laziness, your sloping forehead,

your ability to catch
flies with your tongue.

This what you call
a pat on the back?

Well, no, no, no, son. Now,
you got mad like anybody would,

but you got mad and even.

See?

That makes you a part of
the grand Bundy tradition.

You know, I'll never forget
my old man. Sweet guy.

Sold my Schwinn
for the price of a drink.

I was so mad at him,

before he knew it, I
enlisted him into the army.

By the time he came back from
Korea, boy, he was so ticked off

it's a good thing he
was in a wheelchair.

Beautiful story, Dad.

The point is, I think
that deep down,

my dad was proud of me.

Why, he said that?

Well, not in so many words,

but he blinked twice for "Yes."

So you're saying

you were proud of me
for the way I tortured you?

That I am, Bud.

Guess I learned from the best.

Son.

Dad.

[LAUGHING]

Hey, pal,

what do you say we fix
this place up together?

All right. Let's go get
a burger first. Fine.

On me. All right!

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

[♪♪♪]