Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 11, Episode 1 - Twisted - full transcript
Bud has discovered that Ariel gets turned on by life-threatening situations and has decided to stage a fake tornado in order to get some from Ariel while they seek shelter in the Bundys' basement. Peg confirms that danger does in deed turn women on. However, a real twister appears in Chicago and the rest of the Bundys and the Jeffersons also have to seek shelter in the Bundys' basement. Which also means that Peg and Marcy get turned on...
Hey, Peg.
A fat woman hedgehogged
her way into the shoe store today.
Popcorn air freshener.
That could only mean one thing.
Bundy night at the movies!
Bundy night at the movies!
Oh, Peg, you even
got the floor sticky,
just like at the theater.
You know what else
we do at the theater?
You're not gonna
put M&M's in your lap
and make me hunt for them?
By the time I get there,
they've melted and
it gets all gooey.
Well, you know, if
you'd get there sooner,
they'd melt in your mouth.
Oh, Peg, it just doesn't
get any better than this.
I owe you one.
Well, maybe after
the movies, Al...
No, I said owe,
Peg, as in "not pay."
Hey. Dad.
Do you have anything I could
use to create the impression
we're having a
terrible windstorm?
Yes, but he's sitting on it.
See, my date really gets
turned on by scary situations.
Apparently, taking his
clothes off isn't enough.
So I decided to
create a fake tornado.
You know, my own
little natural disaster.
Ooh, like one of your
hand-lotion tsunamis?
Now, let's not tease Bud.
He might turn out weird.
You know, I really did
see something on Oprah
that said women
really do get turned on
by life-threatening situations.
I know I do. Me too.
Why don't you go upstairs
and slip into a dry-cleaning bag,
see what that does for us?
Mm, I'm getting all hot
just thinking about it.
And you wonder why I
have problems with women.
No, we don't.
Whoo. Looks like we made it
just in time, Ariel.
That tornado's gonna
hit any second now.
But there's not a
cloud in the sky.
Well, haven't you ever heard
of the calm before the storm?
No.
But then, I just realized the
Olsen twins are two people.
Look, why don't you
just take a look outside
and you tell me
what you see, okay?
Wait a minute. Doesn't
lightning come before thunder?
Yeah, sure, except
in... In very bad storms
when the positive
and negative ions
make everything,
you know, kooky.
Whoa.
Wow, it's getting really
windy out there, Bud.
You'd better bring those
fans in before they blow away.
Heh. I just put
those fans out there
to create a counter-vortex
to the tornado.
Bud, you are so smart...
Well... and sexy.
I don't know what you see in me.
Hm.
Hopefully me, in a minute.
These shoes are too
big. I'm swimming in them.
Well, that would explain the
life preserver under your dress.
I'm gonna go out on a limb here.
You've never been employee
of the month, have you?
That's right, but if I were you,
I wouldn't be going
out on any limbs.
Look, I told you, I'm a 5.
And you are going
to sell me a 5 if...
If I have to sit here all night.
So because you're mad at me
you're going to take it out
on a perfectly innocent chair?
A chair that has
suffered enough already.
Well, I have just about
had enough of you.
You wouldn't say that if I came
with fries and a medium drink.
You know medium,
the size between small and you.
I'm not leaving here
until you help me.
Well, I don't know
what I could do
that God and
Deal-A-Meal couldn't,
but I'll give it a shot.
Griff, you got any aspirin?
Or a harpoon?
I'm not talking to you.
I can't believe
you're still whining
about that little
practical joke.
You sent me to death row.
You made a few close friends.
And they gave you a cool
nickname: Black Beauty.
Mrs. Black Beauty?
Well, you said you
wanted to remarry.
Yeah, but not to a
250-pound Filipino.
Since when are you prejudiced?
Al,
they strapped me
in the electric chair.
Well, we would have
rescued you sooner,
but when you order
a burger well-done,
it ought to come well-done.
Another few seconds, you
could have cooked it on my lap.
Yeah, but then where
would Mr. Black Beauty sit?
Excuse me,
but am I invisible?
Possibly from Pluto.
Wow, with the money Bud
spent to get those trees to bend,
he could have just paid for
sex like any normal person.
We interrupt Oprah for live
coverage of a local twister.
You know, you
gotta give Bud credit.
I mean, those live power lines
really look like they
hit that school bus.
Kelly, that really is a twister.
Those kids really are
trapped on that bus.
Cool.
Cool?
How could you be so insensitive?
This storm could preempt Oprah.
Peggy, Kelly.
As your civil defense block
captain, I'm taking charge.
You are to follow my orders
without asking any questions.
So we're supposed
to act like Mr. D'Arcy?
I said no questions.
First, unplug all
the appliances.
Oh, I did that when we moved in.
Okay. Then we've got to get
to the safest place in the house.
Oh, well, that
would be Bud's room
because nothing ever
happens down there.
All right, well, hurry.
You've only got time
to grab your most precious,
personal possession.
Well,
can I take two?
Somebody help me.
Hey, Al,
the wind is really kicking
up on the food court!
This tornado is great!
I'll take a falafel.
Ha-ha. I'll bet you would.
All right, now, look.
All right, that's
it. Just a minute.
A little bit to leeward.
There. All right,
now, do me a favor.
Don't stand up until I get my...
Oh. Oh.
Oh, these feel great.
Do they have a
special gel lining?
Yes, that's the blood
spurting from my severed digit.
Well, these are perfect
for my flamenco class.
Help me. Help me.
Help me.
Al, we gotta go.
It's getting real
scary out there.
Not as scary as it is down here.
Don't worry. I won't
leave you, buddy.
Help!
Help! Help me!
See you, buddy!
Oh, God, no!
I wonder what could happen
to make this
situation any worse.
I have to go to the bathroom.
Okay, Marcy.
I opened all the windows,
tied down the rose
bushes, turned off the gas,
and cut your underwear
into tiny little pieces.
Why'd you do that?
Because I wanted to
be the block captain.
Well, you're not!
Hey, Mom, do you think
Dad's safe from the tornado?
Oh, honey, I'm
sure he's protected
by his cone of smell.
Yeah, but what if it's
like The Wizard of Oz?
Kelly, what are you thinking?
Daddy's gonna get
sucked up by a tornado,
spin around in the air,
and then land smack
on some wicked witch?
Help!
I'm home.
Al, I guess all we need now
is to have a house fall on us.
Cool.
I told you I was a size 5.
Oh, well, Al, so much for
your little threesome fantasy.
Oh, that was no threesome, Peg.
That was a fivesome.
Oh, why, oh, why did
I have to land here?
Why couldn't it have been
a nice toxic waste dump?
Well, it is.
I think I might have
cracked my pelvis.
Quit whining, Al. Hey, you.
I just survived
Operation Dumbo Drop.
I don't wanna have
no lip from you.
Come on, Al.
The women are depending
on us for emotional strength.
It's... It's coming, Marcy!
Do something, quick!
What did you do that for?
Well, Marcy did it and
she's the block captain.
Well, she certainly
has the haircut for it.
People, people, don't
panic. Everything will be fine
if we just all move
into the basement
in an orderly fashion.
Me! Me!
Hey, hey, wait a
minute, wait a minute.
Now, aren't we
forgetting something?
Wage-earners before
couch potatoes?
No. I mean Lucky. Where is he?
Same place we always
put him during bad weather.
Outside.
Come on, let's get
in the basement.
Well, I'm not going
anywhere until I get Lucky.
Well, that should
take about 30 seconds.
Kelly, you take this
walkie-talkie with you
and call us if you need help.
Okay. Oh, you know what?
I better take this one, just
in case this one breaks.
Well, good luck and Godspeed.
And remember, we're
all in this together.
Hey! Let me in!
I am your block captain!
I am your leader! You
will die without me!
I am in charge.
You will die without a leader.
Let me in! I'm gonna
break this door down!
One,
two...
three!
Easy, now. Easy!
Attention. I hate you people!
Yeah, well, imagine how I feel.
We're in the middle
of something here.
This is an emergency.
Please put on your pants.
There's a twister coming!
No, there isn't.
I just rigged up
some hoses and fans
to trick Ariel into
sleeping with me.
Yes, Bud, but in the
meantime, a real storm blew in.
So I went to all this
trouble for nothing?
Bud, you're obscene.
Who could possibly get
turned on in the face of disaster?
Oh, no, I'm not turned on.
I just need shelter.
You could be a
tree or a garage or...
Or a laundry-folding wimp.
Women, be brave.
There is no reason
to lean on us or
touch us in any way.
For once, I agree with Al.
As your civil defense
block captain,
there will be no
sex during the storm.
No... No... No...
Help us, Al!
Don't do that. Not that way.
Oh, yes! Oh, yes!
Ah!
Well,
I guess it's safe enough
to go upstairs now.
But be careful. There
could be loose beams.
Oh!
Oh, damn door is jammed.
Move aside, Marcy. Let the
men handle this. Jefferson?
That's right.
Bud. That's right.
Let's go.
What? What? No,
no! Wait! No! No! No!
Damn door. Damn Bud's head.
Damn soft spot
that never healed.
Try it again.
Al, put him down.
All right. Get on with you.
Furniture must be
blocking the door.
I hope my couch is okay.
There must be
another way out of here.
Hey, Al, how about
the secret way out?
It's a secret!
Now, don't panic,
Jefferson. You're right.
After all, Kelly knows
we're down here.
Right. And as soon
as she remembers...
Help! Help! Help! Help!
Come on, Lucky.
Come here, Lucky.
Please, stop. Come on, Lucky.
That's weird. I can
outrun a tornado,
but I can't catch the damn dog.
Maybe I'll try chasing
the tornado for a while.
Yeah, okay.
Here, twister. Come
on, twister. Here, twister.
Oh. Well, since
we're stuck here,
we might as well
play Mad Libs. Okay?
I need a verb.
Cluck.
Okay. Somebody
give me a command.
Cluck you?
I like you.
You know, perhaps Mad Libs
is just a little too
advanced for you people,
so let's just play
20 questions, okay?
Who'll ask the first question?
Go to hell.
That's not a question.
Why don't you go to hell?
I really like you.
Well, I'm good at games,
except I always lose at strip poker.
Game time is over!
Ow!
Perhaps this would be a
good time to hand out the food.
Okay. But supplies are limited.
So we're gonna have
to pace ourselves.
Mm. Mm.
Mm. Mm.
Good powdered turkey.
Dad, you're supposed
to dissolve it in water first.
Oh.
Yeah, I thought the turkey
was a little dry this year.
Peg, open up the powdered yams.
Al, I can't believe you'd expect
me to cook at a time like this.
Well, it's not over yet, folks.
That tornado that
hit Cook County
is expected to double
back at force five.
Force five?
That's five times
stronger than the last one.
Dear God, no.
I can't live through that again.
Oh, the darkness, the cold,
the awful suction!
I'm not talking
about the tornado, Al.
Neither am I.
Hey, Al, I know that we
swore on a stack of Big'Uns
to keep the secret
way out a secret, but...
You're right, Jefferson.
This is a matter of life
or sex.
You got your key? Always.
On my mark.
Okay, Jefferson. Hurry up.
You realize we may
never see our wives again.
I know.
I think we made it, Jefferson.
All the way to heaven.
It's not fair. The
Cowardly Lion got courage,
the Tin Man got a heart,
and you got a brain.
Oh, what did the
Wizard give you?
A physical.
Hey, cut it out!
A fat woman hedgehogged
her way into the shoe store today.
Popcorn air freshener.
That could only mean one thing.
Bundy night at the movies!
Bundy night at the movies!
Oh, Peg, you even
got the floor sticky,
just like at the theater.
You know what else
we do at the theater?
You're not gonna
put M&M's in your lap
and make me hunt for them?
By the time I get there,
they've melted and
it gets all gooey.
Well, you know, if
you'd get there sooner,
they'd melt in your mouth.
Oh, Peg, it just doesn't
get any better than this.
I owe you one.
Well, maybe after
the movies, Al...
No, I said owe,
Peg, as in "not pay."
Hey. Dad.
Do you have anything I could
use to create the impression
we're having a
terrible windstorm?
Yes, but he's sitting on it.
See, my date really gets
turned on by scary situations.
Apparently, taking his
clothes off isn't enough.
So I decided to
create a fake tornado.
You know, my own
little natural disaster.
Ooh, like one of your
hand-lotion tsunamis?
Now, let's not tease Bud.
He might turn out weird.
You know, I really did
see something on Oprah
that said women
really do get turned on
by life-threatening situations.
I know I do. Me too.
Why don't you go upstairs
and slip into a dry-cleaning bag,
see what that does for us?
Mm, I'm getting all hot
just thinking about it.
And you wonder why I
have problems with women.
No, we don't.
Whoo. Looks like we made it
just in time, Ariel.
That tornado's gonna
hit any second now.
But there's not a
cloud in the sky.
Well, haven't you ever heard
of the calm before the storm?
No.
But then, I just realized the
Olsen twins are two people.
Look, why don't you
just take a look outside
and you tell me
what you see, okay?
Wait a minute. Doesn't
lightning come before thunder?
Yeah, sure, except
in... In very bad storms
when the positive
and negative ions
make everything,
you know, kooky.
Whoa.
Wow, it's getting really
windy out there, Bud.
You'd better bring those
fans in before they blow away.
Heh. I just put
those fans out there
to create a counter-vortex
to the tornado.
Bud, you are so smart...
Well... and sexy.
I don't know what you see in me.
Hm.
Hopefully me, in a minute.
These shoes are too
big. I'm swimming in them.
Well, that would explain the
life preserver under your dress.
I'm gonna go out on a limb here.
You've never been employee
of the month, have you?
That's right, but if I were you,
I wouldn't be going
out on any limbs.
Look, I told you, I'm a 5.
And you are going
to sell me a 5 if...
If I have to sit here all night.
So because you're mad at me
you're going to take it out
on a perfectly innocent chair?
A chair that has
suffered enough already.
Well, I have just about
had enough of you.
You wouldn't say that if I came
with fries and a medium drink.
You know medium,
the size between small and you.
I'm not leaving here
until you help me.
Well, I don't know
what I could do
that God and
Deal-A-Meal couldn't,
but I'll give it a shot.
Griff, you got any aspirin?
Or a harpoon?
I'm not talking to you.
I can't believe
you're still whining
about that little
practical joke.
You sent me to death row.
You made a few close friends.
And they gave you a cool
nickname: Black Beauty.
Mrs. Black Beauty?
Well, you said you
wanted to remarry.
Yeah, but not to a
250-pound Filipino.
Since when are you prejudiced?
Al,
they strapped me
in the electric chair.
Well, we would have
rescued you sooner,
but when you order
a burger well-done,
it ought to come well-done.
Another few seconds, you
could have cooked it on my lap.
Yeah, but then where
would Mr. Black Beauty sit?
Excuse me,
but am I invisible?
Possibly from Pluto.
Wow, with the money Bud
spent to get those trees to bend,
he could have just paid for
sex like any normal person.
We interrupt Oprah for live
coverage of a local twister.
You know, you
gotta give Bud credit.
I mean, those live power lines
really look like they
hit that school bus.
Kelly, that really is a twister.
Those kids really are
trapped on that bus.
Cool.
Cool?
How could you be so insensitive?
This storm could preempt Oprah.
Peggy, Kelly.
As your civil defense block
captain, I'm taking charge.
You are to follow my orders
without asking any questions.
So we're supposed
to act like Mr. D'Arcy?
I said no questions.
First, unplug all
the appliances.
Oh, I did that when we moved in.
Okay. Then we've got to get
to the safest place in the house.
Oh, well, that
would be Bud's room
because nothing ever
happens down there.
All right, well, hurry.
You've only got time
to grab your most precious,
personal possession.
Well,
can I take two?
Somebody help me.
Hey, Al,
the wind is really kicking
up on the food court!
This tornado is great!
I'll take a falafel.
Ha-ha. I'll bet you would.
All right, now, look.
All right, that's
it. Just a minute.
A little bit to leeward.
There. All right,
now, do me a favor.
Don't stand up until I get my...
Oh. Oh.
Oh, these feel great.
Do they have a
special gel lining?
Yes, that's the blood
spurting from my severed digit.
Well, these are perfect
for my flamenco class.
Help me. Help me.
Help me.
Al, we gotta go.
It's getting real
scary out there.
Not as scary as it is down here.
Don't worry. I won't
leave you, buddy.
Help!
Help! Help me!
See you, buddy!
Oh, God, no!
I wonder what could happen
to make this
situation any worse.
I have to go to the bathroom.
Okay, Marcy.
I opened all the windows,
tied down the rose
bushes, turned off the gas,
and cut your underwear
into tiny little pieces.
Why'd you do that?
Because I wanted to
be the block captain.
Well, you're not!
Hey, Mom, do you think
Dad's safe from the tornado?
Oh, honey, I'm
sure he's protected
by his cone of smell.
Yeah, but what if it's
like The Wizard of Oz?
Kelly, what are you thinking?
Daddy's gonna get
sucked up by a tornado,
spin around in the air,
and then land smack
on some wicked witch?
Help!
I'm home.
Al, I guess all we need now
is to have a house fall on us.
Cool.
I told you I was a size 5.
Oh, well, Al, so much for
your little threesome fantasy.
Oh, that was no threesome, Peg.
That was a fivesome.
Oh, why, oh, why did
I have to land here?
Why couldn't it have been
a nice toxic waste dump?
Well, it is.
I think I might have
cracked my pelvis.
Quit whining, Al. Hey, you.
I just survived
Operation Dumbo Drop.
I don't wanna have
no lip from you.
Come on, Al.
The women are depending
on us for emotional strength.
It's... It's coming, Marcy!
Do something, quick!
What did you do that for?
Well, Marcy did it and
she's the block captain.
Well, she certainly
has the haircut for it.
People, people, don't
panic. Everything will be fine
if we just all move
into the basement
in an orderly fashion.
Me! Me!
Hey, hey, wait a
minute, wait a minute.
Now, aren't we
forgetting something?
Wage-earners before
couch potatoes?
No. I mean Lucky. Where is he?
Same place we always
put him during bad weather.
Outside.
Come on, let's get
in the basement.
Well, I'm not going
anywhere until I get Lucky.
Well, that should
take about 30 seconds.
Kelly, you take this
walkie-talkie with you
and call us if you need help.
Okay. Oh, you know what?
I better take this one, just
in case this one breaks.
Well, good luck and Godspeed.
And remember, we're
all in this together.
Hey! Let me in!
I am your block captain!
I am your leader! You
will die without me!
I am in charge.
You will die without a leader.
Let me in! I'm gonna
break this door down!
One,
two...
three!
Easy, now. Easy!
Attention. I hate you people!
Yeah, well, imagine how I feel.
We're in the middle
of something here.
This is an emergency.
Please put on your pants.
There's a twister coming!
No, there isn't.
I just rigged up
some hoses and fans
to trick Ariel into
sleeping with me.
Yes, Bud, but in the
meantime, a real storm blew in.
So I went to all this
trouble for nothing?
Bud, you're obscene.
Who could possibly get
turned on in the face of disaster?
Oh, no, I'm not turned on.
I just need shelter.
You could be a
tree or a garage or...
Or a laundry-folding wimp.
Women, be brave.
There is no reason
to lean on us or
touch us in any way.
For once, I agree with Al.
As your civil defense
block captain,
there will be no
sex during the storm.
No... No... No...
Help us, Al!
Don't do that. Not that way.
Oh, yes! Oh, yes!
Ah!
Well,
I guess it's safe enough
to go upstairs now.
But be careful. There
could be loose beams.
Oh!
Oh, damn door is jammed.
Move aside, Marcy. Let the
men handle this. Jefferson?
That's right.
Bud. That's right.
Let's go.
What? What? No,
no! Wait! No! No! No!
Damn door. Damn Bud's head.
Damn soft spot
that never healed.
Try it again.
Al, put him down.
All right. Get on with you.
Furniture must be
blocking the door.
I hope my couch is okay.
There must be
another way out of here.
Hey, Al, how about
the secret way out?
It's a secret!
Now, don't panic,
Jefferson. You're right.
After all, Kelly knows
we're down here.
Right. And as soon
as she remembers...
Help! Help! Help! Help!
Come on, Lucky.
Come here, Lucky.
Please, stop. Come on, Lucky.
That's weird. I can
outrun a tornado,
but I can't catch the damn dog.
Maybe I'll try chasing
the tornado for a while.
Yeah, okay.
Here, twister. Come
on, twister. Here, twister.
Oh. Well, since
we're stuck here,
we might as well
play Mad Libs. Okay?
I need a verb.
Cluck.
Okay. Somebody
give me a command.
Cluck you?
I like you.
You know, perhaps Mad Libs
is just a little too
advanced for you people,
so let's just play
20 questions, okay?
Who'll ask the first question?
Go to hell.
That's not a question.
Why don't you go to hell?
I really like you.
Well, I'm good at games,
except I always lose at strip poker.
Game time is over!
Ow!
Perhaps this would be a
good time to hand out the food.
Okay. But supplies are limited.
So we're gonna have
to pace ourselves.
Mm. Mm.
Mm. Mm.
Good powdered turkey.
Dad, you're supposed
to dissolve it in water first.
Oh.
Yeah, I thought the turkey
was a little dry this year.
Peg, open up the powdered yams.
Al, I can't believe you'd expect
me to cook at a time like this.
Well, it's not over yet, folks.
That tornado that
hit Cook County
is expected to double
back at force five.
Force five?
That's five times
stronger than the last one.
Dear God, no.
I can't live through that again.
Oh, the darkness, the cold,
the awful suction!
I'm not talking
about the tornado, Al.
Neither am I.
Hey, Al, I know that we
swore on a stack of Big'Uns
to keep the secret
way out a secret, but...
You're right, Jefferson.
This is a matter of life
or sex.
You got your key? Always.
On my mark.
Okay, Jefferson. Hurry up.
You realize we may
never see our wives again.
I know.
I think we made it, Jefferson.
All the way to heaven.
It's not fair. The
Cowardly Lion got courage,
the Tin Man got a heart,
and you got a brain.
Oh, what did the
Wizard give you?
A physical.
Hey, cut it out!