Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 10, Episode 8 - Blonde and Blonder - full transcript

Marcy organizes a "Toys for guns" campaign to get kids something else to play with than toy guns. Kelly has a post-graduation five-year re-union and is shocked to learn that the nerd she once stood up has grown into a handsome and rich man...

[♪♪♪]

PEG'S MOM: Margaret,
what's in that box?

Is it food?

No, Mom.

It's just some old toys
I'm collecting for charity.

Don't lie to your mother.
I smell garlic chicken.

[SIGHS]

It's just Al's socks.

Hey, Peg.

Do I smell garlic chicken?

No, Al. But guess
what I found in the attic.



Hey, if I wanna keep
a noose upstairs,

that's my business, Peg.

No, I dug up all these old toys.

They're for Marcy's
toys-for-guns exchange program.

Yeah, where do kids today

get the idea that a gun
is something to play with?

[SHOUTING]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

What is going on here?

This is foreplay.

No, honey, this
can't be foreplay.

I'm enjoying it.

And I'm in the room.

I can't believe you guys.



The whole point of this
toys-for-guns exchange program

is to give kids something else
to play with besides firearms.

For instance, I'm donating
this oil-covered Alaskan seagull.

Now, watch what happens
when I pull the string.

Kids, don't drink and
drive an oil tanker.

PEG'S MOM: I smell fowl!

You certainly do.

Well, I'm gonna give the
disadvantaged youngsters

these dice.

Jefferson, why would
you give a kid dice?

Oh, these aren't just any dice.

They're loaded.

Yup, the lucky gangbanger
who trades in his Uzi

for these babies
will learn self-esteem

as he fleeces confused retirees

out of their
social-security checks.

[LAUGHING]

Thank you.

What's Mr. Potato
Head doing here?

I don't know. You married him.

Not that Mr. Potato Head.

The one that's actually
worth something.

[SIGHS]

I'm sorry, Marcy. I myself
once had a Mr. Potato Head

who meant a lot to me.

Well, my little sticky buns,
what happened to him?

Well, one night my
frat brothers and I

got stinko on Champale
and grenadine.

Next thing I knew

I was stuffing Mr. Potato
Head's heinie with cherry bombs.

[LAUGHS]

We lit the fuse

and blew Mr. Potato
Head into hash browns.

[LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY]

Oh, we laughed till we puked.

So, Peggy, do you have
any other kids' things?

Well, we have those
child-safety seats in the garage

that we never put into the car.

Why not?

Well, we found that
it was much easier

just to leave the kids at home.

Let's go get them.
They're out in the garage.

I'll show you where
they are. All right.

Come on, come
on. Come on, Marcy.

[SIGHS]

Can you believe that tomorrow

is our five-year
high school reunion?

I mean, that means we've
been out of school for, like...

For, like, years.

I hear people are coming
from all over for this reunion.

Mm-hm. Even foreign
countries like Indiana.

Indonesians are coming?

We better brush
up on our Spanish.

Hey, Kelly, whatever happened

to your horny newt
of a brother, Bud?

I always thought he was cute.

He can realign
my molars anytime.

Ew.

Please.

I heard Bud and
his hand are eloping.

[ALL LAUGHING]

So, Fawn,

are you still making
your meteoric rise

through the hierarchy
of the 7-Eleven?

I'll have you know
that I am a buyer now.

Oh, well, that's a change.

As I recall, back in
school you were a seller.

Hey, Bud, I'm getting my
braces off in a couple years.

Will you wait for me?

Well, sure. Unless
another hot mama

with a big, drooly
overbite comes along first.

Where's Ashley? I
thought she'd be here.

Yeah, me too.

Oh, I've really missed her.

[GIRLS SIGHING]

I wrote her all
these great letters.

Can't wait till she gets here
so I can give them to her.

[INAUDIBLE SPEECH]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, that must be her.

Ashley! Kelly!

Kelly, I have
missed you so much,

and I wrote you
almost every day.

Here. Oh, cool.

Here. Thanks.

Hi!

Well, now that we're all here,

let's all look
through my yearbook

and trash everybody
who isn't us.

[ALL GIGGLING]

Look at that geek.

[LAUGHING]

He would do anything for me.

Do you guys remember the
time that he loaned me his car

and then I went joyriding
in it with another date?

And then... Then we tried
to steer it with our butts

and we wrecked it,
and we broke our legs?

He was such an idiot.

I swear.

Oh, wait, and then
there's this other guy.

I can't remember his
name, but what a dweeb.

Okay. He asked me to
the prom, and I said yes.

So he rented this goony
maroon tux and a stretch limo.

And then when he
showed up to my house

all he found was
a note that said:

"Bite me, nerd boy."

[LAUGHS]

Oh, I just wish I could
remember who that was.

That would be me. Ahem.

Oh, yeah. That would be you.

I'm sorry, Bud.

You know, teenage
girls can be so cruel.

I just want you to
know I apologize

and I hope somehow I
can make it up to you.

Really?

Maybe we can go out sometime.

Bite me, nerd boy.

[LAUGHING]

Ah, see what suckers men are?

Sure, go ahead,
make fun of me now.

But you'll come running
back to me when you're 25

and gravity has pulled you
apart like a Stretch Armstrong.

Oh, Bud, don't feel so bad.

There was this
guy in high school

who was an even
bigger loser than you.

Eric Waters.

Even the tape on
his glasses had acne.

Anyway, he asked me out

this one chilly New Year's Eve,

and I said, "Sure,

"meet me on the top
of the Hancock tower,

stripped to the buff."

Well, of course, I stood him up

but that toe they had to
amputate was a good lesson

on trying to date
out of his league.

What a loser!

[ALL LAUGHING]

Oh, yeah.

We did have a way
with the guys, didn't we?

Yep, all we had to do
was give them the move.

I wonder if mine still
works. Let me see.

There's a four-alarm
down at the orphanage

but that can wait.

Wanna ride on my truck?

Heh, sure.

Bye.

Man, I used to love Monopoly.

Buy a property,

put a bunch of
poor people in jail.

Now you wanna build a hotel,

you gotta put up a
homeless shelter.

That little thimble guy
lands on your property,

he puts up a "will
work for food" sign.

Ain't a damn thing
you can do about it.

Yeah, yeah, they
even ruined Operation.

Used to be if you butchered
a guy's spleen, lose a turn.

Now they take away
your medical license

and you have to perform
black-market liposuctions

in the back of a Jiffy Lube.

[LAUGHING]

Hey, you know, I
have a good idea.

Why don't we play Bottoms
Up until the kids come home?

You know what, Peg, I
have an even better idea.

Why don't you and Marcy go hide?

Jefferson and I
will come find you.

Good. I love to play
hide-and-go-seek.

Come on, Peggy, I
know just the place.

There you go.

One thousand one...

[BOTH] One thousand two,

one thousand three,

one thousand four.

Thanks for being my
escort tonight, Bud.

Oh, you're welcome. And now
that my escort duties are over

I'm going to escort myself over
to that hot redhead over there.

See you. You'll be back.

And you'll be begging me
for a little flesh and metal.

[SIGHS]

It feels good to be back
in the old gym again.

Yeah. [GASPS]

Look, the hoops are
in the same place.

[ALL SIGHING]

Look, there are the bleachers.

[ALL] Oh!

Oh, and there's the clock.

[ALL] Oh.

And there's you.

[ALL CHEERING]

Come on. Let's sit down.

Okay.

Uh-oh.

Big problem.

There's six chairs
and five of us.

Well, maybe one of us
will show up again later.

Okay. Yeah.

Oh, gosh.

You guys, this is so much fun.

You know, I think we should
have a five-year reunion every year.

[ALL VOICING AGREEMENT]

Look at all these losers.

To think that I slept with
every guy in this room.

What was I thinking that night?

Oh, my God.

Hang on to your
thigh cream, girls,

prime veal at 4 o'clock.

ALL: Where?

No, no, guys. There.

[ALL GASPING]

He is cute.

If I wasn't rocking
Bud's world tonight

I'd be wearing him
like a wet retainer.

Oh, you guys. You guys.
He's coming this way. Act cool.

He looks important.

Do you think I can nonchalantly
get my underwear off

by the time he gets here?

You're wearing underwear?

You really have changed.

Hi, girls. Remember me?

Uh, yeah. Aren't you the guy
who was standing over there

just a couple minutes ago?

Maybe I can refresh your memory.

Does the Hancock
Tower ring a bell?

No, but I think there's a time
and temperature sign up there.

Although, I can never
figure out which is which.

You know what I mean?

I can. I watched it go
down to minus 10 degrees

that New Year's
Eve you stood me up.

I'm Eric "Nine Toes" Waters.

Eric Waters?

God, you...

You look so different.

It's amazing how your looks
can improve with nice clothes,

contact lenses and $10 million.

Ten million dollars?

Oh, my God, he's the
ex-husband of my dreams.

Look, you guys. Look
at all the loser things

Eric used to do in high school.

"Computer club."

[SCOFFS]

"Future businessman of America."

[GROANING]

Look, class valedictator.

Who would've thought
that a geek like that

would've ended up successful?

Hey, Kelly, you thinking
what I'm thinking?

Why don't things fall up?

No.

I'm thinking we
should have a contest.

A duel for Eric's affections.

You're on.

Okay. Chose your weapons.

Damn, I knew I should've
brought my wet T-shirt.

Okay, I'll tell
you what we'll do.

We'll use the move at 40 paces.

Fine.

Fine, go ahead.

Okay.

[SIGHS]

[YAWNS]

KELLY: All right. Move over.

You've seen the rest,
now check out the best.

[YAWNS]

Wow, he ignored
both of their moves.

Yeah, it's like he's
deaf or something.

This has never happened before.

We need advice from
an expert on rejection.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Can I have this dance?

For the 15th time:

[GIGGLING]

Is this a cool hickey or what?

Oh, yeah, it's much better
than the ones you make at home

with the Dustbuster.

Bud,

with these braces I could make
a hickey that would never heal.

Uh, look, Bud, Kelly and I

can't get anywhere
with Eric Waters.

Now, you're somebody
who keeps trying

even though he gets rejected,

you know, time after
time after time after time...

Yeah, I... I get the point.

Hee-hee! Okay.

Well, we need to get through
to Eric. What should we do?

All right, look, before
you do anything

I'll see if there's any
hope at all, all right?

I'll go with you, Bud.

Mm, no. You stay here.

I'd rather admire you
from across the room.

Way, way across the room.

All right. Al, right hand blue.

AL: What is it about
this game that's so sexy?

I'm touching Peg's rear

and for once it
feels pretty good.

JEFFERSON: I feel
someone touching my rear.

I think it's Al.

He's not as strong as Marcy,

but he knows what I like.

PEG: I love all these
hands groping my tush.

This game is just like sex
except I have a partner.

MARCY: I hate this game.

No one's touching my rear,

and it's way, way up in the air.

LUCKY: Oh, and
they have us neutered.

[BAND PLAYING SLOW POP MUSIC]

Kelly, I need to
talk to you for a sec.

But...

Okay, but just don't touch me.

Look, uh, I talked to Eric,
and he really likes you.

He does?

Oh, my God.

He wants to meet you alone.

[GASPS]

He does?

Now, he's drawn this map
so you know where to go.

Be there in an hour
and don't tell anyone.

Even you?

Yeah, yeah, especially me.

I can never know.

Oh, thank you so much, Bud.

I owe you bigtime.

I'm not gonna, like, pay you
or anything, but I owe you.

Thanks.

Ashley, I need to
talk to you for a sec.

N... Okay. Just don't touch me.

Look, um, Eric told
me he really likes you.

He does?

[GASPS EXCITEDLY]

He, uh... He wants to meet
you alone under the bleachers.

You know, back where
they retired your number.

Thanks, Bud. And
I want you to know

out of all the nerd
boys I humiliated,

you cried the best.

Thanks. I'll remember that.

You just remember, under
the bleachers, 15 minutes.

Okay, got it.

One Mississippi,
two Mississippi,

three Miss...

Uh, how many Mississippis
are there in 15 minutes?

Thanks, Eric. I had
a really good time.

MUFFLED MALE
VOICE: Right back at you...

nerd girl.

Well, we sure got our revenge.

Hm, well, I certainly got mine.

I still don't know what
yours was, though.

Where did that map
lead to you gave Kelly?

Ohhh, gosh.

Twenty thousand, two
hundred and thirty Mississippi.

Twenty thousand, two hundred

and thirty-one Mississippi.

Mmm. God, that
Bottoms Up was great.

We should do that every night.

Right, Al?

Isn't that typical?

He falls asleep, and
I wanna play again.

Peggy, have you seen
my Mr. Potato Head?

I can't find him anywhere.

Gee, I think I saw Jefferson
with it a minute ago.

Uh-oh.

[JEFFERSON LAUGHING]

Oh, look up in the sky.

It's a bird. It's a plane.

It's Mr. Potato Head?

[SIGHS]

Well, I'm starting
to get the feeling

that Eric's not gonna show up.

Bud is gonna pay for this.

Oh, it was a mighty fine
day in the life of Bud Bundy.

Well, I guess I'd better
find me a ride home.

What... It's hickey time.

No. No, no!

[SCREAMING]

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