Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 10, Episode 7 - Flight of the Bumblebee - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

AL: ♪ This is a man's world ♪

ALL: ♪ Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun ♪

♪ This is a man's world ♪

Baby!

♪ But it wouldn't Mean nothing ♪

♪ But it wouldn't Mean nothing ♪

ALL: ♪ Nothing ♪

♪ Without a woman Or a girl ♪

Ha-ha, well, tonight,
my NO MA'AM brothers,

while our wives are frittering
their lives away at bingo,



we will be watching
the sport of kings:

Wrestling.

ALL: Yes.

Have we got the necessary
snacks from the Just Store?

Yeah, I got Just Oreo filling.

I've got Just jerky.

And I've got Just alcohol.

[CHEERING]

Okay, guys, let's
party like Kennedys.

ALL: Yes!

ALL: ♪ It's a man's world ♪

♪ This is a man's... ♪

MAN: Huh?

Well, Peg, like I said when
I woke up this morning:



What the hell are
you doing here?

We skipped bingo
tonight to watch

the TV movie Old
Man, Older Woman.

They made a movie
of our love life?

No.

That would be Young
Redhead, Younger Pizza Boy.

Old Man, Older Woman is the
TV movie event of the season.

It's an epic love story
spanning three generations,

ages 70 through 100.

Starring Hume Cronyn,
Katharine Hepburn,

and introducing
Buddy Ebsen as Junior.

CBS?

Of course.

Well, Marcy, I'm afraid that you

and the Joy Cluck Club
are going to have to miss

slipping denture
theatre tonight,

because me and the guys
are watching wrestling.

ALL: Yeah.

You'll watch wrestling
over my dead body.

Okay.

[ALL YELLING]

All right, all right.

Come on, guys.

Let's go back to my place.

We don't have to stay here
and take guff from the women.

ALL: Yeah. Hold it, mister.

You know the rules:

Only one friend over at a time.

But I did all my chores.

There must be somewhere
we can proudly watch wrestling.

Um, how about your grown
son's room down in the basement?

Griff, you're a genius.

We'll watch it on Bud's TV.

[ALL CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

"Please do not disturb.
I'm gettin' some."

The door is locked.

Ha-ha, you really think
he's got a girl in there?

Five bucks says he doesn't.

[ALL MUTTERING]

Bud, I'm not like other girls.

I understand.

I only go all the
way on the first date.

[LOUD CRASH]

AL: Go on down here, guys.

Right down here now, come on.

[CHATTER]

I'll be a son of a gun. He
does have a girl down here.

Ah, excuse me, excuse me.

I got a girl here.

I know it, you just
cost me 5 bucks.

Damn you.

Don't mind us.

We just gonna be
watching wrestling.

Just Cheeto dust?

Just stick it.

ALL: Bye.

[ALL CHEERING]

Thanks, Dad. Thanks.

That was Nasty Natalie.

She's the easiest girl in town.

Bud, if my father scared
away the easiest girl in my town,

I'd never have got married,
never would have had you kids.

And I'd be upstairs now
watching TV in my underwear,

the way God intended.

[STATIC]

What's wrong with the TV?

You gotta stand behind
it with a clothes hanger

for the picture to clear.

Oh, hey, hey.

They're about to
interview King Kong Bundy.

Hey, Al, are you any
relation to King Kong Bundy?

No, but he did take
Peg's nickname.

[ALL LAUGH]

Ooh, ooh.

Check out King Kong's
curvaliscious valet.

Anytime.

Listen up, wrestling fans.

I'm King Kong Bundy.

And tomorrow, Halloween night,

live from Chicago's Dick-a-dome,

I'm going to take
that Captain Ecology

and tear him a new ozone hole.

Isn't that right, Anytime?

Oh, if you say so it must be so,

King Kong-o.

She's brilliant.

Remember, that's tomorrow night.

Right after the Mike Tyson,
Macaulay Culkin fight.

King Kong Bundy is the greatest.

He's my idol.

Well, him and Yanni.

Hey, I think we should
make King Kong Bundy

an honorary member of NO MA'AM.

[CHATTER]

Uh, wait a second.

I've been trying to get in to
NO MA'AM for six months now.

Why is King Kong Bundy
gonna get in over me?

Well, let's see.

King Kong is a man's man.

And you're a human antenna.

[ALL LAUGH]

Yeah, and you suck at it.

You suck at it!

Wait a minute now, guys.

That's my son we're
talking about here.

The only one who gets
to make fun of him is me.

And most women.

[ALL LAUGH]

Hey, if he wants
to join NO MA'AM,

I say let's let him pledge
our proud organization.

So, what do you have to do?

Chug beers till I puke?

No, son, that's reserved
for full members.

As a NO MA'AM pledge

you must perform
a challenging labor

to show you're one of us.

You mean something like brave
and heroic to benefit mankind?

No, something really, really
stupid that benefits no one.

Congratulations, son.

You're an official
NO MA'AM plebe.

Now, tomorrow night, you
go down to Wrestle Palooza.

If you can get
your picture taken

with King Kong Bundy,
our idol, you're in.

Son...

make me proud.

What if I can't get the picture?

Well, then you can still be

the official NO
MA'AM bottle opener.

[ALL LAUGHING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Okay, come here.

Bud, the girls on the bus

were laughing
with you, not at you.

[ALL LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

Kelly, I asked you
to rent me a costume

so I could pass as a wrestler.

Not one of the Chuck
E. Cheese players.

Bud, it's Halloween.

It was either this
or Pocahontas.

Frankly, I don't think you
have the cleavage for it.

Hi. Hey.

Oh, let me guess.

Beauty...

and the flea, right?

[LAUGHING]

[IMITATES BUZZ]

Ah, that's, uh...

That's close, work release.

Listen, uh,

I'm a wrestler
known as the, uh...

Well, the Bumble Bee.

I don't see no insects
on tonight's card.

Well, that's because, um...

You see, I'm a backup wrestler.

So in case any of
the regular wrestlers

can't perform their
duties, then I...

He duties for them.

Kelly, that's him.

That's the guy I need
to get the picture with

to get into NO MA'AM.

Yo, Kong, how
they clanging, man?

I'm mad!

I'm madder than ma...
I'm freaking bananas.

Captain Ecology just
backed out of our match.

That sissy mary says:

"It's cloudy and my
solar car won't start."

Um, excuse me, sir.

I was wondering if I could
get a picture with you?

It would mean a lot to my, uh...

My brain-dead father.

Sure, kid.

I do a lot of work on
behalf of the stupid.

Okay, just say,

Cheez Doodles.

BOTH: Cheez Doodle...

Wait a minute.

I have an idea.

Now, since my brother
here is the backup wrestler...

he could take the place
of Captain Proctology.

You know? She's right.

You can fight the
Zzz, Bumblebee.

Yeah, yeah.

Then everyone would be happy.

Everyone?

♪ This is a man's world ♪

ALL: ♪ Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun ♪

♪ This is a man's world ♪

♪ But it wouldn't Mean nothing ♪

ALL: ♪ Nothing ♪

♪ Without a woman Or a girl ♪

Men, tonight, while our
wives are out trick-or-treating

dressed as large, ugly
women and a chicken...

we will be watching in
color, on a full-size TV...

Wrestle Palooza!

ALL: Yeah!

Have we got our manly
snacks for tonight?

Well, all we have left are
the pretzels Bob Rooney

sucked all the salt off of.

[SPITS]

[ALL LAUGHING]

[ALL YELLING]

Come on. Hey, hey.

What are we going
to eat tonight, then?

CHILDREN: Trick or treat.

MEN: Ooh!

By God, for you kids had
a pretty darn good night,

didn't you?

Don't we look scary?

No, this is scary.

[SCREAMING]

I love Halloween.

You should, your head's
shaped like a pumpkin.

[ALL LAUGH]

Focus. Focus. Gentlemen, focus.

Now.

Let us chew and view.

♪ This is A man's world ♪

[SINGING TRAILING OFF]

Well, we must have
gone back in time,

because I'm
experiencing déjà moo.

We are watching the rebroadcast
of Old Man, Older Woman.

So much of CBS'
audience fell asleep,

they're showing it again.

Only this time
they're airing it earlier.

And louder.

Forget it. We're
watching wrestling.

We went through too much
trouble to get these snacks

to let them go to waste.

Listen.

Jerk-o'-lantern.

Wrestling appeals to the
dregs of American society.

We women, however,
appreciate meaningful,

uplifting entertainment.

Oh, my God, look
at that wrestler.

I'd love to pin him to the mat.

Now, that is a real man.

Not some high
school football hero

who got married
and turned to mush.

Well, I guess it's
true what they say,

you are what you marry.

That would make me a hoe.

Silence. Silence.

The king is entering the ring.

Oh, there's just
something so sexy

about a big, oily
man in a sparkly cape.

My Ike felt that way
about Elvis before he died.

He's alive I tell you.

Alive, I say!

Take it easy, Ike.

ANNOUNCER [ON TV]: Good
evening, ladies and gentlemen.

I'm Jimmy Lennon Jr. And welcome

to the special Halloween
edition of Wrestle Palooza.

Where tonight's
wrestlers have costumes

under their costumes.

Next main event features
the most feared man on Earth.

Introducing King Kong Bundy.

[CROWD CLAMORING]

[CHEERING]

And tonight's challenger
hailing from parts unknown,

the Bumble Bee.

[CROWD CHEERS]

[ALL BOOING]

And here are their
gorgeous valets,

Anytime and Honey.

[CROWD CHEERS]

[CHEERING]

No, I saw it first.

It won't even fit, let go!

So you both understand
the rules, right?

Yeah, I just, uh...

I just have one thing to say.

[WEEPING] Please
don't kill me, man.

Please, please.

Don't worry, kid,
you helped me out.

I'll go easy on you.

[DINGS] [GRUNTS]

It's amazing. It's astounding.

Look at the heinie
on that Honey.

Oh, in the ring King
Kong Bundy is down.

One, two...

[GRUNTS]

[YELPING]

That's what I get for
trying to take it easy on you.

I expect that kind of chicanery
from the Fighting Florist.

But I assumed from your valet,

you were the kind
of guy who liked girls.

I do.

Then prepare to become one.

[BUD SCREAMING]

Oh, God!

Wow, this is cool.

King Kong is twisting off
the Bumble Bee's stinger.

That's not his stinger.

Oh, girls, it's 7:00.

It's time to switch to
Old Man, Older Woman.

Are you insane?

And miss a
televised Bobbitizing?

Peg, you want to grab
my whatchamacallit?

Well, Al,

there's a lot of people around.

Okay.

No!

I meant this whatchamacallit,
you cherry Blow Pop.

Looks like the Bumble
Bee is making his move.

Kelly!

Help Me, Kelly!

You're a bee, fly.

That's it, Bud.

[WEEPING] Mom.

Oh, this is so much fun.

I think the Bumble Bee's dead.

Oh, Bob Rooney, you know
what all this grunting and sweating

and screaming reminds me of?

Thanksgiving dinner
at your mother's?

I was thinking of
what we do after dinner

you big turkey baster, you.

Uh-oh.

Jefferson, do you know
what all these sweaty men

in tight spandex remind me of?

Thanksgiving dinner
at your father's?

Well, yes.

But also...

[WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]

Uh-oh.

Oh, Ike.

Can little Elvis
come out and play?

Uh-oh.

You know, Al.

Watching all this wrestling,

reminds me of something I
haven't had for a long time.

What? A body slam?

Call it what you'd like.

Uh-oh.

BOTH: Uh-oh.

BUD: I know I'm standing,

yet I feel like I'm
in a warm bath.

Oh!

Hey, listen, Bud.

Try and get closer to King Kong

so I can get you both
in the picture, okay?

Okay.

Okay.

Where did he go?

Uh-oh. Bye-bye.

[GRUNTING]

[ALL GRUNTING]

[SCREAMING]

[MOANING]

One, two, three...

Five!

Four, five.

[BELL DINGS]

And the winner of the match:

King Kong Bundy.

[CROWD BOOING]

Okay, smile.

Come on, my little Bumble
Bee, show me some teeth.

Good.

Ah.

Dad?

Oh, good, you're
out of the coma.

Where am I?

Is she gone? Is it over?

Yes, Dad.

Now save your strength.

The important thing is...

I got my picture with
King Kong Bundy.

So now I'm in NO MA'AM, right?

No, son, we don't
watch wrestling anymore.

See, we learned tonight

that wrestling on TV leads

to wrestling at home.

And that ultimately
leads to sex with the wife.

So now NO MA'AM stands for:

Numb Old Men Anxiously
Awaiting Morticians.

So all this was a waste of time?

Well, for you, maybe.

This is the best meal
I've had at home in years.

This is a T-bone,
mashed-potato drip

going in this arm, baby.

Mmm.

That's eating.

Hey, son.

Are you gonna finish yours?

[GRUNTS]

[♪♪♪]