Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 10, Episode 6 - The Weaker Sex - full transcript

Peggy takes up a self-defense class. What's worse, she is soon promoted to the advanced class. This makes Al feel emasculated. To make Peg drop the self-defense class, Kelly suggests Al ...

[♪♪♪]

All right, Griff, get your
horse back in the gate.

Is my fly open again?

I'm talking about
your shoe horse,

you big Airedale.

Come on.

The blubber-aerobics class
next door is getting ready

to start in a couple
of seconds. All right.

So, what we got riding
on this one, big Al?

Loser gets to use
the bathroom last.

Stinky seconds?



You bet.

[LAUGHS]

Let's rock.

Three, two, one...

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING LOUDLY]

and they're off.

Come on, Seattle Slew.

Go, Knockout, go.
Come on, Seattle Slew.

Come on, Knockout.
Come on, Seattle Shoe.

Yeah. Come on. Papa
needs a new pair...

[MUSIC STOPS]

What happened?

Well, the hungry hippos
over there worked out

for a whole seven seconds.



It's probably time
for a cheese break.

Well, how are we gonna
settle this race now?

I got an idea.

[JAMAICAN ACCENT] Free
jerk chicken at the food court, man.

[RUMBLING]

I won. I won.

I win.

[LAUGHS]

Hey, I won the Shoetucky Derby.

But I was ahead.

Did you cheat?

Is this the face of a cheater?

Am I gonna have to check

that surveillance
camera again? Uh...

Oh, all right. I-I-I cheated.

And I ate your lunch.

Drank your vanilla shake.

Al, that was Kaopectate.

Still the best lunch
I've had in years.

Oh, will you look
at those karate cows

hoofin' it over to
self-defense class?

Or as they call it,
tae kwon doughnut.

[LAUGHS]

Can you believe Gary's
charging 250 bucks for that class?

It's still less than
a dollar a pound.

What a stupid waste of money.

Hey, speaking of waste of money.

Al, I need $250.

You're not taking that
self-defense class, are you?

No.

I'm buying you a
very special gift.

[LAUGHS]

Of course I'm taking
the self-defense class.

Marcy already signed me up.

Peg, I'm not wasting my
money like I wasted my youth,

on you.

Self-defense is not
a waste of money.

We live in a bad neighborhood.

Peg, you live on the couch.

The only danger you face

is getting your head stuck
in a Haagen-Dazs carton.

Peg, let's face it,

evolution has only
equipped you women,

made you strong enough,

to roll out of bed
in the morning

squeeze yourself
into your girdle,

ooze down the stairs and
fry your man up a Pop-Tart.

Because, Peg, the truth is

no woman could ever take a man.

Uh-huh? You'd back me up
on that, wouldn't you, Hoss?

'Cause see, Peg,

we men are bigger,

we're stronger, we're tougher,

we're...

Dead meat.

Al, guess what?

You got your
black belt in nag fu.

Marcy and I have been promoted

to the advanced
self-defense class.

[LAUGHS]

Aren't you happy for me?

Do I look like a happy man?

You don't even look
like a happy tree stump.

Look, I'm gonna go outside

and practice my
kicks with Marcy.

Now, look, Peg, this
self-defense class

of yours is taking
up way too much

of your time and my paycheck.

Haven't been able to find
my left shoe in three days.

Now, as the breadwinner
and king of my castle,

I demand that...

To be left alone.

Good. Where's the shoe?

Uh, Dad, if... If you're
looking for a place

to stick your head,
I suggest the oven.

I'm looking for my shoe.

Well, it's a good thing
we have Lucky, then.

Maybe he can
track it down for you.

Yeah. Let me just get
this chewed up, old shoe

out of his mouth and
he'll be ready for action.

Oh, pumpkin, that's my shoe.

Oh, Lucky, you
found it right away.

Good boy.

Now we know he can chew.

Maybe next time
he'll go for my throat.

LUCKY: Oh, no,
thanks. I don't eat pork.

Dad, you look sad. What is it?

Oh, it's your mother.

Well, what'd she do?

Well, the trouble started
this morning when I woke up

and so did she.

You know how much I hate that.

[PEG EXCLAIMS]

Yah!

I think I know
what it is, Daddy.

You're just feeling lonely,

because ever since Mom
started taking her class,

she hasn't paid
you any attention.

Isn't that it, you big galoot?

No, I like that part.

I also like the part
she's too tired at night

to wanna fool around.

I do kind of miss her calling
me bullet head, though.

Look, Daddy, a little
lesson in women:

All Mom wants is
just a little tenderness.

Mm-hm? Yah!

Yah, yah!

Now, if you really want
Mom to stop taking karate,

you gotta take her out.

Well, don't you think
I would if I thought

I could get away
with it? [GROANS]

Dad, I think she means,

you know, take
her out on a date.

Yeah. And show
her some affection.

Romantic movies
always work for me.

A Happy Meal and
a Hello Kitty pen set

works for you, Kelly.

Yah!

Look, Dad, why
don't you take Mom

to go see The Bridges
Of Madison County?

Now, I heard there's
a new director's cut

with 11 extra minutes

of Clint Eastwood
sponge-bathing Meryl Streep.

Is there no other way?

Well, you could make
love to her all night.

Well, either way, I'll
be eatin' Junior Mints

and cryin' in the dark.

All right. Bridges of
Madison County it is.

Oh, that was so much fun. Ha-ha.

Thanks for being such
a good sport, Jefferson.

No problem.

You know, just
between you and me,

these workouts are
starting to turn me on.

So, what do you say?

I say I need a flashlight.

I think some of my equipment
rolled under the house.

[GROANS]

This is Miranda Veracruz
de la Jolla Cardinal.

Reporting to you
live at the premiere

of The Bridges of
Madison County,

The Director's Cut.

As you can see, the
re-release of this movie

has generated
unbelievable excitement.

I'm unbelievably
excited, you know...

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]

Oh, Al, isn't this romantic?

Finally you're
taking me to a movie

that doesn't have
the words "Debbie"

or "does" in the title.

[CHUCKLES]

I just can't figure
out why you insisted

on taking me the night
of my self-defense class.

Well, pookie,
tomorrow I may not be

in the mood to
see Meryl and Clint

playing Hide the
Loofa in the bathtub.

[BRITISH ACCENT] Oh, my God,

I'm in line to watch
Meryl Streep strip?

No bloody way.

[CAR TIRES SCREECH]

[THUD]

Yeah, sure, go ahead,
take the easy way out.

I just hope I don't
fall behind in class.

Today was
nunchak-to-the-nads day.

Don't you understand, Peg?

This women's self-defense
is against nature.

Take the mighty
wildebeest, for example.

He hunts while the wildebeestess

just stays on her couch

watching the Oprah-beestess.

Then there's the ant.

She just sits there
all day and lays eggs,

while the male is off

dragging those heavy
Budweiser bottles

down that anthill.

I'll give you another
example... Hey.

Hah!

This is the bravest thing
this reporter has seen

since Bill said,

"Hillary, I beg to differ."

This courageous woman

cold-cocked this low-life mugger

without any help whatsoever

from the weaselly man

who dares to call
himself her husband.

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

Well, you got to admit,

it's pithy.

Jefferson, don't you
understand the problem?

What?

If this gets around town,

people are gonna
start thinking I'm a nerd.

Well, technically, Al,

you're not smart
enough to be a nerd.

No, no, you're more
of a pantywaist or a...

A limp-wristed sissy boy.

Ah. [LAUGHS]

Horsefeathers, Jefferson.

I could have taken
that mugger. I just...

I didn't have time to react.

Hey, I believe you, buddy.

It's, uh, the rest of Chicago

that thinks Al
is short for Alice.

[LAUGHS]

No, you gotta understand,

when I felt that hairy
hand go in my pocket,

I naturally assumed it was Peg.

Don't worry, Al. It was
just a little mugging.

I mean, how much more
press could it possibly get?

Great news, Al.

Good Morning, Chicago
wants to do an interview.

Fine. I'd like to set
the record straight.

I am no wimp.

Could a wimp score four
touchdowns in one game?

Was that Pee Wee
football or Powder-puff?

I'm sorry. We're here
to interview your wife.

Would you be a doll and
brew us up some coffee?

And feel free to make
some herbal tea for yourself.

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

All right. Come on, Al.

Hey. Hey, I think I know

how to put an
end to all of this.

Well, if you've
got the tailpipe,

I've got the lips.

All right, let's assume
for the sake of argument

that you are
stronger than Peggy.

I am stronger, damn
it. [CHUCKLES]

Well, you know that and
I'm willing to play along.

But you have to
prove it to the public.

You want me to fight
Peg on TV? Love it.

No.

No. No. You gotta
fight someone else.

But can I still fight Peg?

No, Al. Look,

we have to stage a
fight even you can win.

Okay. Look. I have
this stuntman friend.

His name is Thunder, okay?

You go to this bar, he comes up.

He insults Peggy.

And I buy him a drink?

Later. First, you hit
him with your best shot.

He pretends to be
hurt. He falls down.

You're out of the
Michael Bolton fan club.

[CHUCKLES]

That's a good idea.

That's a good idea, Jefferson.

And I can have Bud come
in and video the thing.

Yeah. Then I'll fight Peg.

That'll work, but... But how
can I recognize your buddy?

Oh, well, uh,
Thunder has a goatee,

wears a bandana and, uh,

he reeks of that cologne,
Obsession for Men.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

Excuse me.

You may go.

Al, I thought you
were taking me out

for a nice, romantic dinner.

We are, Peg. I just wanna...

soak up the atmosphere here.

[SNIFFING]

Obsession for Men?

Well, I experimented
a little in college,

but it was just a phase.

Honey, I wanna go freshen up.

You think the
ladies' room is free?

[SCREAMING]

[SHOUTING, GRUNTING]

Yeah!

It's free.

[LAUGHS]

Dad, can we get
this thing over with?

It's, uh, kind of sleazy in here

and, frankly,
it's a little scary.

Bud, I don't wanna be in
here any more than you do.

What kind of low-life loser

would voluntarily come
in a dump like this?

Oh,

this isn't the library.

We must be in the
wrong place, study buddy.

I thought we were
gonna get hammered

and do it on the "Pac-Man."

Ah, but that book
must be checked out.

Why don't we go to the
other library down the street?

The one with the
Jell-O shots? Cool.

Well, she's movin' on up.
She used to only date senators.

Bud, here comes
your mother. Go hide.

Wait, how am I gonna
know when to start tape?

When I say to this guy, Thunder,

"I'll tell you what
I'm gonna do."

Hey, Al,

how come on the wall
next to the pay phone

it says, for a good
time, call our house?

Beats me. I never
had a good time there.

What will you have?

[SNIFFING]

Did you call my
wife an ugly, useless,

lazy, Oprah- watching,

bonbon-eating couch loafer?

No, I said, "What
will you have?"

One of your finest beers.
Nothing for the wife.

You're cute.

Wanna ride a hog?

What? Wha...? What?

Well, all right, then.

No, no, no. Mommy, Daddy.

Al, what are you doing?

You take me out at
night and sniff other men?

I'm not sniffin' 'em, Peg.
It's... It's... It's a male thing.

Shows, uh,

dominance in the territory.

Well, you're not gonna lift
your leg on a chair, are you?

I'm Thunder. Sorry I'm late.

Your wife.

Your wife's a tacky,

chocolate-snarfing,
couch-butted,

beehive-headed parasite.

No one calls my wife a tacky,

chocolate-snarfing,
couch-butted,

beehive-headed parasite

who snores louder
than a logging mill.

Al, he didn't say that.

No, no, but he was
gonna say it, Peg,

if I hadn't stopped him.

So, what are you
gonna do about it?

What am I gonna do about it?

I'll tell you what I'm
gonna do about it.

[THUMPING] BUD:
Oh, no, please don't.

You're hurting me!

[BUD SCREAMING]

I said, I'll tell you what
I'm gonna do about it, Bud.

[BUD STUMBLING]

Okay, Dad. AL: Now,

would you mind repeating
what you just said to my wife?

Well, I-I-I forgot.

A chocolate-snarfing...
Oh, yeah, yeah, um, uh...

A couch-butted,
beehive-headed parasite.

All right? [CHUCKLES]

You asked for this, pal.

One,

two...

Three.

I got it. Good night.

You ever think about
just gettin' a perm?

And selling Mary Kay cosmetics?

They give you a pink car.

Tell me, Mrs. Bundy,

has your husband always
been more Lois than Clark?

Hey, uh, look here,

[SPANISH ACCENT] Miranda.

If you really want
some film at 11,

why don't you follow
me down to the brewery?

I'll tie a bowling
ball to my ankle,

dive in a vat of beer.

I'll leave this world
the same way

I entered my
marriage, dead drunk.

Hey, Al, I thought you said

I could have your
bowling ball when you die.

Don't you push it,
Jefferson. Hey, come on.

Daddy?

You wanna kick me
while I'm down, pumpkin?

No, that's Mom's job.

[LAUGHS]

Now, you remember
Genghis from the, uh...

From the library, right?

Okay, go ahead Gengie.

[EXHALES]

Mr. Bundy,

would you give me your hand

in daughter marriage?

You know, Genghis,

your timing couldn't be better.

You wanna do me
a favor, son, and...?

[CHUCKLES]

You wanna say what
you just said to me

in front of the camera here?

Sure, Dad.

Hey, a-a-and better
still, hold my wallet.

Cool.

[GIGGLES]

Call my wife an idiot.

Okay.

Mrs. Bundy,

you're an idiot.

[LAUGHS]

That's good.

[GRUNTS]

[♪♪♪]