Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 10, Episode 5 - How Bleen Was My Kelly - full transcript

Kelly has unknowingly created a new color chemical called Bleen and Al quickly finds out that she has created a new formula that grows hair.

[♪♪♪]

[BANGING AT DOOR]

AL: Peg.

Bud.

Would you get the
door? My arms are full.

BOTH: Coming.

Ah, there's no place like home.

Al, if you're gonna come
in, could you shut the door?

Peg, if you're gonna live here,
could you shut your mouth?

You know, Peg, this dog is
chewing a hole in our budget.

Look at these. Kibbles,
dog biscuits, Liver Snaps.



Well, actually, Al,
those are for Mom.

Oh, why didn't you say so?

LUCKY: Ooh, food.

An escape from this hellhole.

Bud, you're in college.

I mean, you don't go to
parties or get laid or anything,

but you did take classes, right?

Is there a point to
this barrage, Dad?

Is there?

Oh, that's right, you're smart.

Where the hell is
my paycheck going?

Al, well, luckily, Dad, I've
put all the family finances

right here in this computer.

You put something I don't have



into something I
don't understand.

You know, that reminds
me of our sex life.

That's putting something I
have in something I don't like.

Dad, look. Look, here's
a list of all the salaries

of all the occupations
in the world.

And here is what you make.

That's what I make? Mm-hm.

I'm a paperboy.

Oh, no, Al, paperboys
can afford bicycles.

There must be someone out
there that makes less than I do.

Mom, Dad, Bud.

You'll never guess what I got.

A better game would be
Guess What You Haven't Got.

I'll take Virginity
for 100, Alex.

Oh, that's funny.

Nobody will take yours
for less than a thousand.

Anyway, I got a
part in a TV movie.

Well, who are you
gonna play, honey?

Madame Curie.

So to prepare for the part,

I thought I'd get some
firsthand experience

of what it's like to be Madame.

So does anyone know where
there's a brothel around here?

Well, there's Howie's
down by the airport but...

I mean, uh, Madame
Curie's not a hooker.

No, she's a famous
French chemist

who discovered radium
down by the airport.

Now, what am I gonna do?

I still have to research
Madame Curie,

but I don't know
anything about "science."

Kel, that's, uh... That's
science, not "science".

The C is silent.

Oh. I knew I should
have stayed in shool.

Look, Bud, you're my manager.

Please do something
to earn your 75 percent.

Peg, come here.

A Pakistani dirt vendor
makes more than I do.

Yeah, and he
probably smells better.

Probably has reason to.

I got it, Kel. I got it.

I'll set you up with
this scientist I know

over at the university.

Now, all you have to do is
pretend you're a professor.

Okay, but, I mean, I think

I'd make a more convincing
Ginger or Mary Ann,

don't you think?

[CLEARS THROAT]

Ah, you must be
the new professor.

You must be Gilligan. Hi.

Kelly Bundy at your service.

So Bud tells me
you're in aerospace.

Yeah, well,

it's not rocket
science, but what is?

[CHUCKLES]

Right. So, what are
you working on now?

Well, I just received a grant
from the Crayola company

to invent a new color.

Bleen.

Bleen? Mm-hm.

Is that a mixture
of blue and green?

No, of blood and spleen.

You know, it's for the kids who
wanna draw accidents. Yeah.

Really? You would
think that Crayola

would have enough
colors already.

Well, not anymore.

See, uh, they had to
get rid of black and white,

you know, to be
politically correct.

They were gonna mix the
two together and call it blite,

but the guy who
invented gray back in '74

threatened to sue, so...

All right.

So, what's your field?

Alcorodentology.

Oh, right.

What's alcorothincology?

Oh, it's a study of
that age-old question:

How much booze can a
rat drink before he explodes?

Oh! Kennedy grant?

Exactly.

Now, this is your
lab station, right here.

Oh, great.

It's just like a smaller version
of the one I have at home.

Oh, that reminds me.

Make sure you
take all your findings

with you when you leave.

After all, this is academia.

Thievery runs rampant here.

Oh.

Ah, I think I'm
gonna like science.

It's like shopping at the mall.

All right.

Now, here's someone who
might make less than your father.

Eskimo blubber-chewer.

Nope.

Mm. Check, uh, French
deodorant salesman.

Not even close.

Hey, guys.

Today was my
last day at the lab.

It's a good thing too,

'cause there was
nothing left to take.

But you know what? I
really got into my character.

And just like Madame Curie,

I threw a bunch of cool,
deadly chemicals together,

and I invented
something, the color bleen.

Mom, check, uh,
brain-dead blond.

They make way
more than your father.

Uh, Kelly, where exactly is
this, um, color bleen now?

Well, since it's a
level three biohazard,

I had to put it somewhere
where nobody would go.

So I put it in Dad's shower.

You know, I never
thought I'd say it,

but I really enjoyed
that shower.

You didn't wash your
hair, did you, Daddy?

No, I'm wearing this towel

because I wanna get a job
as a New York City cabby.

You didn't use the bottle
marked "Bleen," did you?

Sure did.

It's great. It tingles.

It's just like the
commercial says.

My whole scalp feels alive.

Honey, when you only
bathe once every two months,

your scalp is alive.

[MUTTERS]

Daddy, Bleen is not a shampoo.

It's a bunch of deadly chemicals

that I mixed
together at the lab.

It's possible that this
tingling that you're feeling

could be a massive stroke.

Either way, I thank you.

I love Bleen.

What?

How do I look?

Jumping Jehoshaphat, I'm a hunk!

I'm a dude.

I'm a hunky dude!

Don't hate me
because I'm beautiful.

Wow, Al, you have hair.
How did that happen?

Who cares?

All I know is that
Kelly's Bleen has grown

what 25 years of you
has withered away.

Kelly, man has been
seeking the cure for baldness

since the invention
of the younger woman.

This is gonna make me rich!

But don't you mean make us rich?

No.

Well, it's Kelly's formula,

so I gotta cut her
in on it, of course,

but the rest of you mean
absolutely nothing to me.

Now, wait a sec, now,
I'm Kelly's manager.

I get 75 percent of
whatever she gets.

Kelly, listen very,
very carefully to Daddy.

Number one, Bud is fired.

Number two, do you
remember how to make Bleen?

And can you make
lots and lots for Daddy?

Yeah.

Oh, sweetheart!

If you can make
Daddy some Bleen,

I'll buy you an acting career.

You'll be the
next Tori Spelling.

Okay. But... But
prettier, right?

Hell, Two-Face is prettier.

Oh, I know. Ha-ha.

Sweetheart, sweetheart,
if you're going out,

would you get me some
mousse an-and a scrunchie?

Okay, Daddy.

You won't get away
with this, Pop. I'll sue.

Ha! Sue away.

You get in line
behind Sy Sperling

and his soon-to-be-defunct
Hair Club for Men.

Because when this comes out,

I'm gonna be one
hairy millionaire.

Hey, Al, what
about side effects?

You know, no one markets
a product without testing it.

Oh, no, Peg?

Cigarettes.

Ford Pinto.

That condom I used
on our wedding night.

Read my lips, Peg.
There are no side effects.

Okay, all right.

By the way, Peg, you look
really good this afternoon.

Who said that?

Al, that is the nicest thing
you've said to me in years.

You know, Peg, I
have a sudden urge

to take you upstairs
and have sex with you...

Who said that?

Well, let's go.

No, no! Wait a
second, Peg. Wait.

I better test this
Bleen a little bit.

Wait a minute, Peg. Wait,
wait. God, you look beautiful.

Who the hell said that? Oh,
my God, somebody shoot me!

I now call this meeting
of NO MA'AM to order,

to announce the results

of the final tests of
Al Bundy's Bleen.

Ahem!

I mean, Kelly and
Al Bundy's Bleen.

I now give you my
wonderful daughter,

whom I love more than anything.

Thank you, Daddy.

Now, placebos were given
to the first group, group A.

Things to do:

Make will.

Cut family out of will.

Make tender love
to wife, with lights on.

What?

Now, as you can
see in the first group,

there's been no
hair growth at all.

By the way, what was
that placebo we took?

Birth control pills.
You're both dismissed.

Hey, is it just me,

or are your breasts
getting bigger too?

No, but I have
switched to Lightdays.

Now, everybody in
group B took Bleen.

Solid.

And the Bleen has
worked in every case.

I think the evidence
speaks for itself.

[KELLY LAUGHS]

Kelly, go inside
and alert the media.

Particularly those
with receding hairlines.

David Brinkley, Willard Scott,

Barbara Walters.

Uh, guys, am I the only
one in the Bleen group

who's had this horrible urge

to do the girlfriend
thing with the wife?

Oh, thank God I'm not alone.

I carried the wife
across the threshold.

I told her that I loved her.

[MEN GROAN]

We even had foreplay.

[MEN GROANING]

Oh, hey, so, what?

Last night I
pleasured my ex-wife

and paid her back alimony.

Yeah? Yeah,
well, that's nothing.

When I was making love to Marcy,

I was fantasizing about...

Marcy.

Oh, man, that's sick!

[GAVEL BANGING]

Settle, settle. Gentlemen!

Gentlemen, we are on
the horns of a dilemma.

By marketing Bleen,
we'll make millions.

Well, I will.

But we'll also be
condemning mankind

to a lifetime of lights-on,
bags-off, wife-pleasing sex.

[MEN MUTTERING]

Okay, then it's settled.
We can't sell Bleen.

We'd be as hated as the
guy who invented the G-spot.

Hey, who was that guy?

I don't know. Kenny G?

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

Al, we gotta do something.

I mean, NO MA'AM is
turning into Yes Ma'am.

He's right. I don't know

how many more
times I can sex the ex.

Well...

Kelly invented Bleen,

maybe she can also
invent an antidote.

But she's gonna
need a guinea pig.

No problem.

I'll take full responsibility.

A Bundy got you into this,

a Bundy will get you out.

[♪♪♪]

Okay, Bud, I think I
found the antidote.

Are you ready for the last test?

Hell, I'm ready
for the last rites.

Go ahead.

Okay.

[WHISTLING]

Oh. I want you, Bud.

What for?

It worked! The antidote
worked. It worked. It worked.

You know, Peg, there's gotta be

someone out there even
more worthless than me.

Yeah, well, I'd
like to meet him.

Well, here it is, Peg.

Occupation, none.

Skill, none.

Use, none.

Peg, say hi to Public
Loafer Number 1.

[LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY]

How you doing,
son? How are you...?

How are you feeling?

Oh, just great, Dad.

Yeah, trying to find
the cure for Bleen

turned me into a bitter,
sexless, aging loser.

I might as well sell
women's shoes.

Come on, Dad. You gotta help me.

I can't stay like this forever.

Son, I, uh... Yeah, I mean to
tell you something here. Uh...

See, son, I, uh... I
still have some Bleen.

Yeah, I-I saved it, you
know, in case your mother

should accidentally
tie herself up

to a railroad track and
I would be single again.

But, uh, since she'd probably
just derail the train, I...

I'm happy to give it to you.
It's upstairs in my shower.

Thanks, Dad. I'll just
run up and go get it.

All right, son.

That Bleen made me so horny,

I'm gonna rent
me 101 dalmatians.

And I don't mean the movie.

Hey, you guys, it's starting.
My Madame Curie is on.

Oh, what channel
is it on, honey?

Fox.

Assume Fox-viewing positions.

ANNOUNCER [ON TV]:
And now, from the makers of:

Buttafuoco:
Misunderstood Family Man

or Giant, Fat Sleazoid?

We proudly present:

Madame Curie:
Misunderstood Scientist

or Syph-Ridden Whoremonger?

[FRENCH FOLK MUSIC PLAYING]

KELLY [FRENCH ACCENT]: Oh-hoh-hoh!
Sailor, is that radium in your pocket

or are you just happy to see me?

[♪♪♪]