Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 10, Episode 4 - Reverend Al - full transcript
Al and his men's group NO MA'AM decide to form their own church in order to avoid paying beer tax. When Marcy and her women's group FANG expose Al's plan to the public, NO MA'AM ...
[♪♪♪]
[ALL YELLING INDISTINCTLY]
I got him! I got him!
Oh, yes!
[ALL CHEERING]
Order, order.
This meeting of NO MA'AM,
National Organization of Men
Against Amazonian Masterhood,
will now come to order.
Brother Jefferson
will read the minutes.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Al, he's just gonna do
his stupid 8:01,
8:02 joke again.
No, I won't, and
it's not stupid.
The minutes of the
last meeting are...
8:01, 8:02, 8:03, 8:04!
[LAUGHING]
Forget about the
minutes. Go sit down.
Now, last meeting,
we argued about
which Big 'Uns centerfold
was sexier, July or August.
We couldn't decide,
so we ripped 'em out,
put 'em down our pants,
and danced around.
Then we each
drank about 30 beers.
No, wait a second. That's
how we started the meeting.
[ALL LAUGHING]
That's the only reason
we had the meeting.
That's right. Then
let's get underway.
Treasurer Bob Rooney,
pass out the liquid gold.
Come on, Bob Rooney.
[CHUCKLING]
Hey, this isn't
our regular beer.
Yeast N Stuff?
Man. Sorry, guys,
but they raised
the beer tax again.
So this is it.
Unless we wanna go back
and have sex with our wives
for more beer money.
No way. No.
Well, I guess, beer is beer.
We didn't become NO
MA'AMers by being discriminating.
Or employed. Or happy.
Or bathed. Or documented.
Down the hatch.
[BEER CANS POP]
[ALL GROANING]
Hey, if I wanted to
reek of cheap booze,
I'd just go kiss my wife.
So I gather things didn't
go so well at the lawyer's.
It was a disaster.
He said my marriage
to Franny is legal.
[GROANS]
I-i-it can't be legal.
You were married in
a hot tub by a nudist
who called himself
Reverend Flashback.
Not only is Reverend
Flashback legal,
he is now one of the Forbes
500 richest televangelists.
Right between the pope
and Dionne Warwick.
How can a nudist
reverend be so rich?
Yeah, and where does
he keep his wallet?
[BOTH LAUGH]
Same place you keep your head.
[ALL YELLING]
Guys, come on. It's simple.
Reverend Flashback has megabucks
because churches
have tax-exempt status.
Can you imagine all
the good that we could do
if we didn't have to pay taxes?
Hey, hey, we
could buy real beer.
And maybe some ale.
Ale sucks. Suck this.
[ALL YELLING]
Gentlemen, focus, focus.
Now, where were we?
In your garage.
I meant where were we...?
All right. Look.
I'm gonna call a
lawyer friend of mine
and find out a little
bit more about this.
If Reverend Flashback
can call himself a church
and not pay taxes,
then why can't we?
Because our wives
would take the money
and waste it on charities.
Health insurance, lingerie.
[GASPS] [GROANS]
Then we'll keep it a secret.
Jefferson, not a word to:
[CLUCKS]
Ha-ha. You got it, buddy.
Then it's settled.
We'll become a church,
a sacred organization of
peace and brotherhood.
I'll drink to that.
Hey, he's got good beer.
ALL: Get it!
[ALL YELLING]
Hold him down.
Hold him down for me.
[WHIMPERS]
Hey, Lucky sounds hungry.
You better feed him, Bud.
I don't feed him. I walk him.
You're supposed to feed him.
No, I'm not. I bathe
him and vacuum him dry.
Okay, then who feeds him?
LUCKY: Nobody.
If it weren't for the
girl's edible underwear,
I wouldn't eat at all.
Hi, kids.
Hey, look what you
got me for my birthday.
[CHUCKLES]
All you have to do is wrap it.
Wrap it? Oh, do
you need a card too?
I hate your birthday. I know.
What ever happened to the days
when you'd give us
money to buy you a cake
and then we'd eat it
before you got home?
Yeah.
Peg, did Jefferson call?
No, Al. And guess
what Friday is.
Oh, Peg, you know I
hate when you do this.
I hate when you do
anything, but especially this.
It's my birthday. Ha-ha.
You know what that means.
Okay, Peg. Get a blanket.
I'll get a Big 'Uns and I'll
meet you behind the furnace.
Not sex, Al.
Okay, but I offered,
and that counts for one.
I wanna go on a date.
Fine. Go.
With you.
It's my birthday and I want
dinner, dancing and a show.
Okay. I'll go, but only
because I'll be getting some.
Ooh, Al... Some dinner.
God, how sad.
You know what I'd do if
my lover lost interest in me?
You'd sleep with
his parole officer?
[DOORBELL RINGS]
We're in, buddy.
The lawyer says
we can be a church.
Jefferson, you know how women
hate to see us happy. Look sad.
Al, we'll never have to
pay taxes on anything.
Oh, Jefferson,
that is just awful.
We can get tanked for pennies.
[BOTH GIGGLE QUIETLY]
[ALL CHEERING]
A toast to our leader, a
true man of the froth. Heh.
[ALL TOASTING]
Gentlemen, in the
history of mankind,
there have only been
a few truly good scams:
Loch Ness monster, Canada.
And now the tax-free
Church of NO MA'AM.
[ALL CHEERING]
You know, beer tastes
better when it's tax-free.
[ALL LAUGHING]
Yeah, and Big 'Uns look
bigger when they're tax-free.
That's why we started this
bogus church in the first place.
Men, there's nothing
but good times ahead!
[ALL CHEERING]
Not so fast,
Reverend Half Moon Pits.
[MEN GASP]
This is no man of the cloth.
This is Al
"Scratch-and-Sniff" Bundy.
And now, I've exposed
his stench for all to see.
You go, girl. Take it.
This... [MEN GASPING]
is Miranda Veracruz
de la Jolla Cardinal.
As you have just witnessed,
chauvinism and religious
quackery are alive and well
right here in Al Bundy's garage.
Calling themselves the
Church of NO MA'AM
in a shameless and
clearly illegal attempt
to avoid paying taxes.
I have defrocked you, Al Bundy.
I have destroyed the
Church of NO MA'AM.
I won, I won, I won!
[DOORBELL RINGS]
I won, I won, I won.
Are you that NO
MA'AM guy on the news?
He's also Arnold the
pig on Green Acres.
All of these letters are from
guys that support your cause.
How would you know that?
We open 'em.
And the guys at work
are prepared to put
down their mail pouches
and assault weapons,
and follow you
anywhere, Reverend Al.
R-R-Reverend Al?
That's who all these
letters are addressed to.
We've gone national.
You know what this
means, Reverend Al?
Ka-ching.
[LAUGHING]
Ah, this is incredible.
Another $10. Hey,
that's my dough.
Man, everybody's
trying to get a ticket
on the NO MA'AM
express. Yes, he is.
Hey, why not? Hey,
listen to this one.
"Gentlemen, although I
cannot reveal my identity,
"I am also under the
iron rule of a woman.
"Here's $10 for your cause.
Your friend, B. Clinton."
[CHUCKLES]
"P.S.: Don't tell H.,
not her real name."
[ALL CHUCKLE]
Hey, our phony church is
becoming a real religion. Heh.
And like other great religions,
we have a sacred obligation
to make a lot of money and
open our own theme park. Huh?
NO MA'AM's Land.
[ALL CHEERING]
Hey, guys, am I the
only one who thinks
we're getting a
little carried away?
ALL: Yes.
Don't you see?
Real religions have
commandments, beliefs, values,
traditions that have been
formed over thousands of years.
No problem. We'll
make some of them up.
And now, onto the
burning question
that has plagued the
great religions for centuries.
Is there an afterlife?
Hell, no.
How do we keep these
suckers hemorrhaging cash?
[ALL CHEERING]
We'll do it like the pros.
Rent a hall, buy some
dirt-cheap time on cable TV or Fox,
give a fire-and-brimstone
speech,
and suck their
bank accounts dry.
Oh, Al.
What is it, Tammy Faye?
Have you forgotten
what day this is?
Come-as-your-favorite- Hee
Haw -character day at Kmart?
It's my birthday.
So your birthday and
Hee Haw -character day
are the same?
What are the odds?
[MEN GROAN]
Come on. Get dressed.
Oh, Peg, no, not tonight.
Tonight, our monster
truck, the Ford Taurusaurus,
is jumping 1000 Geo Metros.
If they don't make
it, there could be
hundreds of dollars
worth of damage.
Look, Al, if you don't
wanna see something else
tiny and underpowered
get squashed,
you will get dressed
and come with me.
All right, gentlemen.
I guess this meeting of
NO MA'AM is adjourned.
We will convene
tomorrow and talk about
eecing-flay the ongregation-cay.
Oh, Al. I'm just so excited.
This is just like before
we got married. Ha-ha-ha.
Oh, Al, is that
money in your pocket,
or are you just happy to see me?
It's money, Peg.
Just like before we got married.
Let's get this over with.
ALL: "Eecing-flay
the ongregation-cay"?
[ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING]
Should I order my new Cadillac
with cloth or
leather seat covers?
Ha-ha-ha. I'm getting leopard,
so they match my underwear.
Guess I won't have
any seat covers.
You know, it's not
too late to call this off.
What is with you, Griff?
We're gonna make
a fortune tonight.
The last time I felt this queasy
in church is when someone said:
"You may kiss the bride."
Look, Griff, will
you relax, all right?
I'm sure Al is gonna handle
this with respect and dignity.
[FUNKY ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING]
JEFFERSON: Brothers.
For years, we have been tortured
by the shrill voices
of our nagging wives.
But at last, we
have found a man.
A man who speaks to us all. A
man who married for our sins.
Let's everybody give it up
for the Reverend Al Bundy.
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
[WHOOPING AND WHISTLING]
Can I hear it for
my alter vixens,
Halla and Luyah?
[CHEERING]
Believers,
guests,
those of you with
the deep pockets
that got the cushioned
seats up front,
let me tell you a little story.
God created man.
Everything was going great,
then Eve came around
and said, "Apple?"
The one time they offer
us something to eat,
bam, we wind up
selling women's shoes.
Now, I know that a lot
of you are wondering
what the Church of
NO MA'AM is all about.
JEFFERSON: Hooters!
[CHEERING]
Yes, but we're also
about making the world
something it used to be.
[MUTTERING IN AGREEMENT]
Back when men were
men and women were ribs.
Tell it, Reverend Al!
[ORGAN CRESCENDOS]
When a driver's-side air bag
was called a mother-in-law.
When a frank
conversation with the wife
used to begin with
"What's for dinner?"
and ended with
"You call that dinner?"
[CHEERING]
Would you like a squeeze?
Oh, yes.
Wipe your brow?
Bless you, my child.
Though I see you've
already been blessed.
But it is our
mission to bring back
the natural order of things.
Guy things.
Amen.
[CRESCENDOS]
Like barber shops,
hardware stores,
those calendars,
you lift the cellophane,
she's naked in there.
[CHEERING]
I want to bring us
back to those times.
[MUTTERING IN AGREEMENT]
This is an engine
that runs on money.
I'm not talking about that
unleaded, eco-friendly,
tree-hugging,
girlie-jiggling money.
You go, preacher man!
[CRESCENDOS]
I'm talking about beer-guzzling,
truck-driving, low-riding,
belching, fighting,
folding money.
[CHEERING]
Now, if no one wants to testify,
we'll pass the collection plate.
I wanna testify.
MAN: A woman!
Now, now, now, let us
not jump to conclusions.
Want me to take her
down, Reverend Al?
That will, uh, not be
necessary, Brother Archimedes.
The days are over
when a woman could
whoop us like a nation
of Gerry Cooney's.
[CHEERING]
MARCY: Actually, I
have very little to say.
MEN: Amen.
I'd like to thank
the Reverend Al
for giving such a stirring,
pork-laden speech.
Well, hurry up, Marcy.
I'm about to be born
again, and again.
[HOOTING]
You're gonna be
laughing out the other side
of your pipe organ in a minute.
My women's group has
commandeered the video booth.
And there's a little something
we'd like to show you
to put a smile on your snouts.
MAN: Girlie porn?
[CHEERING]
Even better.
MEN: Ooh.
Let's go on a date
with Reverend Al.
Roll it, girls.
Here he is, dancing
with his wife.
[MEN GASP]
Take her down, Archimedes.
Take him down, Dot.
Damn.
You a lot of woman.
I'm a lot of everything.
And here's your man's man
at a restaurant
called Potpourri,
eating quiche.
[MEN GROAN]
Now, I can explain that.
I had ordered a meatball
sandwich, extra ball.
Let's see where they went
next. Bowling, perhaps? Why, no.
They're attending a
performance of Cats,
with all proceeds going
to the Chicago Ballet.
[MEN GROAN]
And finally, behold your
beloved Reverend Al
and the missis outside the
Rock'Em Sock'Em Motel.
So there you have it,
your leader on a
date with his wife,
deeply in love.
MAN: Say it ain't
so, Reverend Al.
Tell us you were with a hooker.
MEN: Yeah!
Or at least a guy
dressed like one.
MEN: Yeah.
Oink your way out of this
one, Reverend Fatback.
[WEEPS] I have sinned.
I have consorted with my wife.
But it's not like I enjoyed it.
I mean, you know, it was her
birthday, for heaven's sake.
[BOOING]
Hold on a minute.
Let he who is without
wife cast the first stone.
Thanks, Griff.
Here's your presents, Mom.
Open mine first, Mom.
I can't wait to
see what I got you.
Oh, kids, this is the best
birthday I've ever had.
Well, bicentennials
are always special.
Al, don't be such a grouch.
I mean, sure you
lost your congregation,
your pride, and every
last shred of dignity,
but at least the IRS isn't
after you for tax fraud.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
I wonder who that could be.
MAN [ON MEGAPHONE]:
Reverend Al Bundy, this is the IRS.
Put up your hands and
throw out your wallet.
I'll be back in 20 years.
Bye, Dad. KELLY: See ya.
Don't wait up.
[♪♪♪]
[ALL YELLING INDISTINCTLY]
I got him! I got him!
Oh, yes!
[ALL CHEERING]
Order, order.
This meeting of NO MA'AM,
National Organization of Men
Against Amazonian Masterhood,
will now come to order.
Brother Jefferson
will read the minutes.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Al, he's just gonna do
his stupid 8:01,
8:02 joke again.
No, I won't, and
it's not stupid.
The minutes of the
last meeting are...
8:01, 8:02, 8:03, 8:04!
[LAUGHING]
Forget about the
minutes. Go sit down.
Now, last meeting,
we argued about
which Big 'Uns centerfold
was sexier, July or August.
We couldn't decide,
so we ripped 'em out,
put 'em down our pants,
and danced around.
Then we each
drank about 30 beers.
No, wait a second. That's
how we started the meeting.
[ALL LAUGHING]
That's the only reason
we had the meeting.
That's right. Then
let's get underway.
Treasurer Bob Rooney,
pass out the liquid gold.
Come on, Bob Rooney.
[CHUCKLING]
Hey, this isn't
our regular beer.
Yeast N Stuff?
Man. Sorry, guys,
but they raised
the beer tax again.
So this is it.
Unless we wanna go back
and have sex with our wives
for more beer money.
No way. No.
Well, I guess, beer is beer.
We didn't become NO
MA'AMers by being discriminating.
Or employed. Or happy.
Or bathed. Or documented.
Down the hatch.
[BEER CANS POP]
[ALL GROANING]
Hey, if I wanted to
reek of cheap booze,
I'd just go kiss my wife.
So I gather things didn't
go so well at the lawyer's.
It was a disaster.
He said my marriage
to Franny is legal.
[GROANS]
I-i-it can't be legal.
You were married in
a hot tub by a nudist
who called himself
Reverend Flashback.
Not only is Reverend
Flashback legal,
he is now one of the Forbes
500 richest televangelists.
Right between the pope
and Dionne Warwick.
How can a nudist
reverend be so rich?
Yeah, and where does
he keep his wallet?
[BOTH LAUGH]
Same place you keep your head.
[ALL YELLING]
Guys, come on. It's simple.
Reverend Flashback has megabucks
because churches
have tax-exempt status.
Can you imagine all
the good that we could do
if we didn't have to pay taxes?
Hey, hey, we
could buy real beer.
And maybe some ale.
Ale sucks. Suck this.
[ALL YELLING]
Gentlemen, focus, focus.
Now, where were we?
In your garage.
I meant where were we...?
All right. Look.
I'm gonna call a
lawyer friend of mine
and find out a little
bit more about this.
If Reverend Flashback
can call himself a church
and not pay taxes,
then why can't we?
Because our wives
would take the money
and waste it on charities.
Health insurance, lingerie.
[GASPS] [GROANS]
Then we'll keep it a secret.
Jefferson, not a word to:
[CLUCKS]
Ha-ha. You got it, buddy.
Then it's settled.
We'll become a church,
a sacred organization of
peace and brotherhood.
I'll drink to that.
Hey, he's got good beer.
ALL: Get it!
[ALL YELLING]
Hold him down.
Hold him down for me.
[WHIMPERS]
Hey, Lucky sounds hungry.
You better feed him, Bud.
I don't feed him. I walk him.
You're supposed to feed him.
No, I'm not. I bathe
him and vacuum him dry.
Okay, then who feeds him?
LUCKY: Nobody.
If it weren't for the
girl's edible underwear,
I wouldn't eat at all.
Hi, kids.
Hey, look what you
got me for my birthday.
[CHUCKLES]
All you have to do is wrap it.
Wrap it? Oh, do
you need a card too?
I hate your birthday. I know.
What ever happened to the days
when you'd give us
money to buy you a cake
and then we'd eat it
before you got home?
Yeah.
Peg, did Jefferson call?
No, Al. And guess
what Friday is.
Oh, Peg, you know I
hate when you do this.
I hate when you do
anything, but especially this.
It's my birthday. Ha-ha.
You know what that means.
Okay, Peg. Get a blanket.
I'll get a Big 'Uns and I'll
meet you behind the furnace.
Not sex, Al.
Okay, but I offered,
and that counts for one.
I wanna go on a date.
Fine. Go.
With you.
It's my birthday and I want
dinner, dancing and a show.
Okay. I'll go, but only
because I'll be getting some.
Ooh, Al... Some dinner.
God, how sad.
You know what I'd do if
my lover lost interest in me?
You'd sleep with
his parole officer?
[DOORBELL RINGS]
We're in, buddy.
The lawyer says
we can be a church.
Jefferson, you know how women
hate to see us happy. Look sad.
Al, we'll never have to
pay taxes on anything.
Oh, Jefferson,
that is just awful.
We can get tanked for pennies.
[BOTH GIGGLE QUIETLY]
[ALL CHEERING]
A toast to our leader, a
true man of the froth. Heh.
[ALL TOASTING]
Gentlemen, in the
history of mankind,
there have only been
a few truly good scams:
Loch Ness monster, Canada.
And now the tax-free
Church of NO MA'AM.
[ALL CHEERING]
You know, beer tastes
better when it's tax-free.
[ALL LAUGHING]
Yeah, and Big 'Uns look
bigger when they're tax-free.
That's why we started this
bogus church in the first place.
Men, there's nothing
but good times ahead!
[ALL CHEERING]
Not so fast,
Reverend Half Moon Pits.
[MEN GASP]
This is no man of the cloth.
This is Al
"Scratch-and-Sniff" Bundy.
And now, I've exposed
his stench for all to see.
You go, girl. Take it.
This... [MEN GASPING]
is Miranda Veracruz
de la Jolla Cardinal.
As you have just witnessed,
chauvinism and religious
quackery are alive and well
right here in Al Bundy's garage.
Calling themselves the
Church of NO MA'AM
in a shameless and
clearly illegal attempt
to avoid paying taxes.
I have defrocked you, Al Bundy.
I have destroyed the
Church of NO MA'AM.
I won, I won, I won!
[DOORBELL RINGS]
I won, I won, I won.
Are you that NO
MA'AM guy on the news?
He's also Arnold the
pig on Green Acres.
All of these letters are from
guys that support your cause.
How would you know that?
We open 'em.
And the guys at work
are prepared to put
down their mail pouches
and assault weapons,
and follow you
anywhere, Reverend Al.
R-R-Reverend Al?
That's who all these
letters are addressed to.
We've gone national.
You know what this
means, Reverend Al?
Ka-ching.
[LAUGHING]
Ah, this is incredible.
Another $10. Hey,
that's my dough.
Man, everybody's
trying to get a ticket
on the NO MA'AM
express. Yes, he is.
Hey, why not? Hey,
listen to this one.
"Gentlemen, although I
cannot reveal my identity,
"I am also under the
iron rule of a woman.
"Here's $10 for your cause.
Your friend, B. Clinton."
[CHUCKLES]
"P.S.: Don't tell H.,
not her real name."
[ALL CHUCKLE]
Hey, our phony church is
becoming a real religion. Heh.
And like other great religions,
we have a sacred obligation
to make a lot of money and
open our own theme park. Huh?
NO MA'AM's Land.
[ALL CHEERING]
Hey, guys, am I the
only one who thinks
we're getting a
little carried away?
ALL: Yes.
Don't you see?
Real religions have
commandments, beliefs, values,
traditions that have been
formed over thousands of years.
No problem. We'll
make some of them up.
And now, onto the
burning question
that has plagued the
great religions for centuries.
Is there an afterlife?
Hell, no.
How do we keep these
suckers hemorrhaging cash?
[ALL CHEERING]
We'll do it like the pros.
Rent a hall, buy some
dirt-cheap time on cable TV or Fox,
give a fire-and-brimstone
speech,
and suck their
bank accounts dry.
Oh, Al.
What is it, Tammy Faye?
Have you forgotten
what day this is?
Come-as-your-favorite- Hee
Haw -character day at Kmart?
It's my birthday.
So your birthday and
Hee Haw -character day
are the same?
What are the odds?
[MEN GROAN]
Come on. Get dressed.
Oh, Peg, no, not tonight.
Tonight, our monster
truck, the Ford Taurusaurus,
is jumping 1000 Geo Metros.
If they don't make
it, there could be
hundreds of dollars
worth of damage.
Look, Al, if you don't
wanna see something else
tiny and underpowered
get squashed,
you will get dressed
and come with me.
All right, gentlemen.
I guess this meeting of
NO MA'AM is adjourned.
We will convene
tomorrow and talk about
eecing-flay the ongregation-cay.
Oh, Al. I'm just so excited.
This is just like before
we got married. Ha-ha-ha.
Oh, Al, is that
money in your pocket,
or are you just happy to see me?
It's money, Peg.
Just like before we got married.
Let's get this over with.
ALL: "Eecing-flay
the ongregation-cay"?
[ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING]
Should I order my new Cadillac
with cloth or
leather seat covers?
Ha-ha-ha. I'm getting leopard,
so they match my underwear.
Guess I won't have
any seat covers.
You know, it's not
too late to call this off.
What is with you, Griff?
We're gonna make
a fortune tonight.
The last time I felt this queasy
in church is when someone said:
"You may kiss the bride."
Look, Griff, will
you relax, all right?
I'm sure Al is gonna handle
this with respect and dignity.
[FUNKY ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING]
JEFFERSON: Brothers.
For years, we have been tortured
by the shrill voices
of our nagging wives.
But at last, we
have found a man.
A man who speaks to us all. A
man who married for our sins.
Let's everybody give it up
for the Reverend Al Bundy.
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
[WHOOPING AND WHISTLING]
Can I hear it for
my alter vixens,
Halla and Luyah?
[CHEERING]
Believers,
guests,
those of you with
the deep pockets
that got the cushioned
seats up front,
let me tell you a little story.
God created man.
Everything was going great,
then Eve came around
and said, "Apple?"
The one time they offer
us something to eat,
bam, we wind up
selling women's shoes.
Now, I know that a lot
of you are wondering
what the Church of
NO MA'AM is all about.
JEFFERSON: Hooters!
[CHEERING]
Yes, but we're also
about making the world
something it used to be.
[MUTTERING IN AGREEMENT]
Back when men were
men and women were ribs.
Tell it, Reverend Al!
[ORGAN CRESCENDOS]
When a driver's-side air bag
was called a mother-in-law.
When a frank
conversation with the wife
used to begin with
"What's for dinner?"
and ended with
"You call that dinner?"
[CHEERING]
Would you like a squeeze?
Oh, yes.
Wipe your brow?
Bless you, my child.
Though I see you've
already been blessed.
But it is our
mission to bring back
the natural order of things.
Guy things.
Amen.
[CRESCENDOS]
Like barber shops,
hardware stores,
those calendars,
you lift the cellophane,
she's naked in there.
[CHEERING]
I want to bring us
back to those times.
[MUTTERING IN AGREEMENT]
This is an engine
that runs on money.
I'm not talking about that
unleaded, eco-friendly,
tree-hugging,
girlie-jiggling money.
You go, preacher man!
[CRESCENDOS]
I'm talking about beer-guzzling,
truck-driving, low-riding,
belching, fighting,
folding money.
[CHEERING]
Now, if no one wants to testify,
we'll pass the collection plate.
I wanna testify.
MAN: A woman!
Now, now, now, let us
not jump to conclusions.
Want me to take her
down, Reverend Al?
That will, uh, not be
necessary, Brother Archimedes.
The days are over
when a woman could
whoop us like a nation
of Gerry Cooney's.
[CHEERING]
MARCY: Actually, I
have very little to say.
MEN: Amen.
I'd like to thank
the Reverend Al
for giving such a stirring,
pork-laden speech.
Well, hurry up, Marcy.
I'm about to be born
again, and again.
[HOOTING]
You're gonna be
laughing out the other side
of your pipe organ in a minute.
My women's group has
commandeered the video booth.
And there's a little something
we'd like to show you
to put a smile on your snouts.
MAN: Girlie porn?
[CHEERING]
Even better.
MEN: Ooh.
Let's go on a date
with Reverend Al.
Roll it, girls.
Here he is, dancing
with his wife.
[MEN GASP]
Take her down, Archimedes.
Take him down, Dot.
Damn.
You a lot of woman.
I'm a lot of everything.
And here's your man's man
at a restaurant
called Potpourri,
eating quiche.
[MEN GROAN]
Now, I can explain that.
I had ordered a meatball
sandwich, extra ball.
Let's see where they went
next. Bowling, perhaps? Why, no.
They're attending a
performance of Cats,
with all proceeds going
to the Chicago Ballet.
[MEN GROAN]
And finally, behold your
beloved Reverend Al
and the missis outside the
Rock'Em Sock'Em Motel.
So there you have it,
your leader on a
date with his wife,
deeply in love.
MAN: Say it ain't
so, Reverend Al.
Tell us you were with a hooker.
MEN: Yeah!
Or at least a guy
dressed like one.
MEN: Yeah.
Oink your way out of this
one, Reverend Fatback.
[WEEPS] I have sinned.
I have consorted with my wife.
But it's not like I enjoyed it.
I mean, you know, it was her
birthday, for heaven's sake.
[BOOING]
Hold on a minute.
Let he who is without
wife cast the first stone.
Thanks, Griff.
Here's your presents, Mom.
Open mine first, Mom.
I can't wait to
see what I got you.
Oh, kids, this is the best
birthday I've ever had.
Well, bicentennials
are always special.
Al, don't be such a grouch.
I mean, sure you
lost your congregation,
your pride, and every
last shred of dignity,
but at least the IRS isn't
after you for tax fraud.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
I wonder who that could be.
MAN [ON MEGAPHONE]:
Reverend Al Bundy, this is the IRS.
Put up your hands and
throw out your wallet.
I'll be back in 20 years.
Bye, Dad. KELLY: See ya.
Don't wait up.
[♪♪♪]