Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 10, Episode 3 - Requiem for a Dead Briard - full transcript
Buck the dog dies; in Heaven, he is sent back to Earth as the Bundys' new dog, Lucky.
[♪♪♪]
[ORGAN PLAYING "AMAZING GRACE"]
[SOBBING]
It was a lovely funeral, Peggy.
I'm sure Buck would
have been proud.
I know.
I just can't believe he's gone.
You know, it seems
like only yesterday
he was chewing up the furniture
and peeing on the floor.
Uh, that... That was yesterday.
Well, your father seems to
be taking it especially hard.
Poor guy.
Twelve hundred
bucks for a funeral.
They buried King Tut for less.
And he got to take
his wives with him.
I cannot believe how
cheap you are, Al.
Buck was more than family.
He was someone we loved.
That may well be, Peg,
but at $1200 for a 70-pound-dog
do you realize how expensive
your mom's gonna be?
I'd say bury her at sea, but
then we'd have one less sea.
All right, Al, you can say
what you want about Mom...
Okay, she's a
great big pile of...
But!
I want you to be careful what
you say about Buck around Kelly.
She was closer to
him than any of us
and she's gonna need
some extra love and attention.
Sorry I'm late.
But I stopped over at Hallmark
to see if I could
get a really nice
"Thanks for leaving me
at the pet cemetery" card.
Naturally they
were all sold out,
so I'm gonna make up my own.
What rhymes with
"May you all heave
and gag on your own chunks"?
Well, let's see.
There is, uh, punks,
drunks, hunks.
So how did you get home, Kel?
Oh, I got a ride from Igor,
the guy who drives
the doggy hearse.
You know, the one
that Dad was too cheap
to spend the extra 40 bucks on?
There's nothing wrong
with the trunk of the Dodge.
Buck always liked going
for a nice ride in the car
and he looked so peaceful
with his head propped
up on the spare tire.
So how are you feeling, Kelly?
Oh, I'm better, I guess.
I think I'm over
Buck's death now
and I'm ready to
get on with my life.
Attagirl, pumpkin.
I admire your courage.
Now, help me clean up the yard
and we'll burn Buck's old toys.
[SOBBING]
And to think, I could have had
any man on the football team.
Peg, you... You had them all.
Now, pumpkin.
Now, you know that I loved Buck
more than I love
anyone in this room.
Way, way more than some.
But, sweetheart, let's
not dwell on sad things.
Daddy, what do you think
Buck's doing right now?
Well, gee, I don't
know, sweetheart.
He... He should still
be dead, shouldn't he?
[WAILING]
Oh, Buck.
Buck, where for
art thou, Bucky-o?
Where? Where?
[♪♪♪]
Well, I'll be damned.
I really can see my
house from here.
Bundy? Bundy?
Buck Bundy?
That's me.
I'm Thomas, your guide.
Where exactly am I?
You're where animals
go when they die.
I'm in Oprah's refrigerator?
No, Buck, you're in
the animal afterlife.
Well, then, what
are you doing here?
Computer error.
I was the mascot
for a baseball team,
the Cleveland Chickens.
I had this really great bit
where I'd find some
guy bald as an egg
and sit on his head.
A scream, I tell you.
Until one day I met a bald guy
who was a tad
sensitive about it.
Oh, what did he do?
Shot me in the face six times.
[BEEPING]
What's that?
Gabriel's beeper.
That means it's time
for the judge to
determine your fate.
If you've been good,
you'll be reincarnated
as the animal of your choice.
Well, in that case, I'd like
to come back as an eagle,
soaring proud and free.
How patriotic.
But if you do come
back as an eagle,
do yourself a favor.
What's that?
Don't land on any
bald guys with guns.
[♪♪♪]
So, pumpkin.
Just know that Buck is
in a happier place now.
Has to be, he's not here.
And as long as you
carry him in your heart,
a part of him will
ways be with you.
That was beautiful, Daddy.
I feel a lot better now.
Thanks.
No problem, sweetheart. Okay.
Bud, help me chop up
the doghouse for firewood.
[SOBBING]
What now?
Daddy, we are not gonna get
rid of anything that was Buck's.
He will always be a
part of this family, always.
[CRIES]
Al, I think you're going to
have to get a replacement.
Are you serious?
Where am I gonna
get another daughter?
Dad, I think she meant
a replacement for Buck.
I can't afford a pet
since Peg's mom
a.k.a. Free Willy,
beached herself upstairs.
PEG'S MOM: I am not beached.
I can roll over if I want to.
Don't!
[LOUD CRASH]
Hey, I've got a great idea.
I have a friend who
owns a pet store.
Well, actually, he's a
crooked customs agent
who smuggles in
endangered species
and some really
great imported porn.
I mean corn.
Wait a second, how much
does this porn, I mean...
How much is this pet gonna cost?
Gee, I don't know, Al.
What's the spending limit
on Kelly's peace of mind?
Eleven bucks.
No, you don't, Al Bundy.
You're not gonna Scrooge
your way out of this one.
Kelly is your only daughter.
And this is my only $11, Peg.
All right, I promise to get
her a pet that she'll love.
So, Kelly.
Tell me which one of these cool
pets is gonna be the new Buck?
Oh, forget it, Daddy.
I can't take a
goldfish on a walk.
I... I can't scratch a
moth behind its ears.
And I can't teach an ant
farm to pee in Bud's shoes.
Kelly, have we
got the pet for you.
What is it this time?
A bird.
Takes one to buy one.
But this isn't
just any bird, Kel.
This is a genuine Venezuelan
emerald-crested cockatoo.
He does great
celebrity impressions.
And he knows over
150 different words.
That's got your
father beat right there.
Yeah, but he's not Buck.
Can he roll over and play dead?
Buck couldn't do that.
Till now.
[BOTH SNICKERING]
Look, Kelly, I
know he's not Buck,
but you really should
give him a chance.
Yeah, look, we got
him on approval,
so if you don't want him
after a week, he goes back.
Look.
[SQUAWKING] Kelly
pretty, Kelly pretty.
Well, he is awfully cute.
And smart.
Hey, there, cute little guy.
How much?
PEG: A thousand dollars.
Well, I'll give him a try.
I just hope it's okay with Buck.
[♪♪♪]
I'm gonna be an eagle.
I'm gonna be an eagle.
If the judge decides
that you've been good.
Oh, he will. Everybody loves me.
MAN: All rise for the
Honorable Judge Felix D. Katt.
Well, I just hope I
get a defense lawyer
who can stand up to a cat.
Buck Bundy?
Ira Mousekewitz.
I'm your
court-appointed attorney.
Houston, we have a problem.
I hope Tweety likes
the new gifts we got him.
Yeah, it'll be just
like Christmas.
Yeah, except Dad's sober and
somebody's getting presents.
Well, I guess it's
true what they say.
Nothing brings a family
together like a new pet.
[LAUGHING]
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Al, you busted
Tweety's bird food.
That's no problem, I was
on my way back to town
to have a hernia
operation anyway.
Can I get anybody else a
hundred pounds of anything?
PEG'S MOM: Jujubes.
Well, I'm gonna give
Tweety his cuddle bone.
Hey, where'd he go?
Somebody left the cage open.
He must have flown upstairs.
Upstairs?
Oh, no.
Oh, my God, a feather.
[GASPS]
Gee, I... I was wondering why
Mom sent out for white wine.
AL: What do you mean
you thought it was a chicken?
When was the last
time you heard a chicken
doing a Marlon
Brando impression?
[WEEPING] Tweety.
Well, I...
I've got some good news
and got some bad news.
The good news is Tweety
knew over 150 words.
Well, what's the, um...?
What's the bad news, Dad?
Bad news is none of them
were, "Please don't eat me."
[SOBBING]
Oh, there, there, sweetheart.
Daddy will get you a new Tweety.
Like hell Daddy will!
I don't want another Tweety.
I don't want another anything.
I just want Buck back.
Now, look Kel...
No, leave me alone!
Al, I've got another idea.
Forget about it, Marcy.
There's no pet in the world
wouldn't fit in that
woman's mouth.
She can unhinge her
jaw like an anaconda.
Kelly's problem is
that she needs closure
to reconcile herself to the
fact that Buck is really gone.
She needs to
communicate with him.
But he's dead.
He may have crossed
over to the other side,
but he's not out of reach.
Come on, Marcy, let's get
this doggy séance on the road.
Father, we're ready.
Well, the house is blessed.
Except for that big, fat,
ugly she-demon up there.
Father Sarducci, can...
Can we talk to Buck now?
Soon, my child with the
diary in the top drawer.
Are you clairvoyant?
No, I was just going
through your things.
Let us all join hands.
Al, you're not joining hands.
What's the matter, Mr. Bundy,
you don't believe
in the afterlife?
No, it... It's not that, Father.
It's just I... I don't wanna
hold my wife's hand.
Come on, now.
Calm down.
It is not easy to
contact a dead dog.
Fortunately, I have my
dead-dog whistle with me.
Won't be long now.
Maybe gonna try something else.
Uh...
I got this idea.
How about everybody concentrate?
Okay, concentrate.
You just have to.
[HUMMING]
[CHANTING] Buck
Bundy, Buck Bundy.
Yeah, I know.
But in bed I hardly
have to do anything.
Silence.
No, hardly, she's
quite the screamer.
He wasn't talking about that.
Actually, I was.
We are gathered here
tonight to contact a friend.
A departed friend who
still carries heartstrings
for his grieving
companion, the blond chick.
Kelly.
SARDUCCI: Kelly.
Buck, Buck.
Hear me, Buck.
Fill me up with thy spirit.
My body is your vessel.
Fill me up, Buck.
Fill me up.
Am I the only one
getting turned on here?
What is it, Father?
What do you feel?
Great fear.
I think Buck's in trouble.
Buck Bundy, I understand
you have waived your
right to an attorney.
Yeah, after you ate him.
Strike that from the record.
Thomas shall now read
aloud from The Book of Life.
Let's see.
"Total number of cats
chased up trees: 15."
It was harmless fun.
It's not like anyone got hurt.
"Total number of cats
chased under the wheels
of Mack trucks: 197."
I'm truly sorry about that.
I was a young pup and I
did it to impress the bitches.
And finally, "Total
number of cats eaten
this morning in heaven's
waiting room: three."
Well, dog?
You know, I don't
have to be an eagle.
I'll settle for a finch with
huevos like an eagle.
This court will
recess for one hour
while I contemplate
the appropriate sentence
in my litter box.
Well, this certainly sucks.
Be one with me, oh, spirit.
Join with me, Buck.
Join with me.
Now, look here, La Toya.
It has been over an hour.
Get to the part where Buck
is fine and Kelly's happy.
What, you want me to lie?
What do you take me for?
A lot less than you're
taking me for. Now, go ahead.
Okay, I will again
attempt to break through.
I broke through.
Buck?
Yes, it's me, Buck.
Daddy.
Daddy, Buck's Italian.
The afterlife is in Italy.
I miss you, Buck.
Oh, I miss you too, Kelly.
But I think it's time for
both of us to move on.
Go forth, my child, and
get yourself another dog.
A cheap dog.
And, Kelly, share
yourself with others
like you have shared
yourself with me, Buck.
I'll do that.
I will share myself with others.
If she shared herself any more
she'd be traded on the
New York Stock Exchange.
Now, before we
say goodbye, is...?
Is there anything
I can do for you?
Well, uh, Buck would
like to have a little hug.
Oh, of course.
[CHUCKLES]
And maybe a little kiss.
Okay.
Mwah.
No, Buck would really like
to have his tummy rubbed.
Would Buck like to have a
little shoe up his blowhole?
The spirit has departed.
Hey, hey, wait, while...
While you're still out there,
I used to have a pet
goldfish named Winky...
Not on my dime
you didn't, buddy.
Hey, hey, wait a
minute, you guys.
Now, you heard what Buck said.
He wants me to get another dog.
But, pumpkin, it's after 9:00.
Daddy's broke.
There's no way in the
world we can find another...
[THROBBING BUZZ]
Hey, wait a minute, what's that?
BUD: Hey, look, it's a puppy.
Where did it come from?
It's a sign. A sign from Buck.
That's ridiculous...
Entirely possible.
Oh, look how cute he is.
Wait a minute, I'm not an eagle.
I'm a dog.
What should we name him?
I know. Let's call him Lucky.
Lucky Bundy.
Gee, I was saving that
name for my tombstone.
Uh-oh. Those voices
sound oddly familiar.
If I could just get these
newborn eyes to focus...
[ALL COOING UNINTELLIGIBLY]
BUCK: No!
[♪♪♪]
[ORGAN PLAYING "AMAZING GRACE"]
[SOBBING]
It was a lovely funeral, Peggy.
I'm sure Buck would
have been proud.
I know.
I just can't believe he's gone.
You know, it seems
like only yesterday
he was chewing up the furniture
and peeing on the floor.
Uh, that... That was yesterday.
Well, your father seems to
be taking it especially hard.
Poor guy.
Twelve hundred
bucks for a funeral.
They buried King Tut for less.
And he got to take
his wives with him.
I cannot believe how
cheap you are, Al.
Buck was more than family.
He was someone we loved.
That may well be, Peg,
but at $1200 for a 70-pound-dog
do you realize how expensive
your mom's gonna be?
I'd say bury her at sea, but
then we'd have one less sea.
All right, Al, you can say
what you want about Mom...
Okay, she's a
great big pile of...
But!
I want you to be careful what
you say about Buck around Kelly.
She was closer to
him than any of us
and she's gonna need
some extra love and attention.
Sorry I'm late.
But I stopped over at Hallmark
to see if I could
get a really nice
"Thanks for leaving me
at the pet cemetery" card.
Naturally they
were all sold out,
so I'm gonna make up my own.
What rhymes with
"May you all heave
and gag on your own chunks"?
Well, let's see.
There is, uh, punks,
drunks, hunks.
So how did you get home, Kel?
Oh, I got a ride from Igor,
the guy who drives
the doggy hearse.
You know, the one
that Dad was too cheap
to spend the extra 40 bucks on?
There's nothing wrong
with the trunk of the Dodge.
Buck always liked going
for a nice ride in the car
and he looked so peaceful
with his head propped
up on the spare tire.
So how are you feeling, Kelly?
Oh, I'm better, I guess.
I think I'm over
Buck's death now
and I'm ready to
get on with my life.
Attagirl, pumpkin.
I admire your courage.
Now, help me clean up the yard
and we'll burn Buck's old toys.
[SOBBING]
And to think, I could have had
any man on the football team.
Peg, you... You had them all.
Now, pumpkin.
Now, you know that I loved Buck
more than I love
anyone in this room.
Way, way more than some.
But, sweetheart, let's
not dwell on sad things.
Daddy, what do you think
Buck's doing right now?
Well, gee, I don't
know, sweetheart.
He... He should still
be dead, shouldn't he?
[WAILING]
Oh, Buck.
Buck, where for
art thou, Bucky-o?
Where? Where?
[♪♪♪]
Well, I'll be damned.
I really can see my
house from here.
Bundy? Bundy?
Buck Bundy?
That's me.
I'm Thomas, your guide.
Where exactly am I?
You're where animals
go when they die.
I'm in Oprah's refrigerator?
No, Buck, you're in
the animal afterlife.
Well, then, what
are you doing here?
Computer error.
I was the mascot
for a baseball team,
the Cleveland Chickens.
I had this really great bit
where I'd find some
guy bald as an egg
and sit on his head.
A scream, I tell you.
Until one day I met a bald guy
who was a tad
sensitive about it.
Oh, what did he do?
Shot me in the face six times.
[BEEPING]
What's that?
Gabriel's beeper.
That means it's time
for the judge to
determine your fate.
If you've been good,
you'll be reincarnated
as the animal of your choice.
Well, in that case, I'd like
to come back as an eagle,
soaring proud and free.
How patriotic.
But if you do come
back as an eagle,
do yourself a favor.
What's that?
Don't land on any
bald guys with guns.
[♪♪♪]
So, pumpkin.
Just know that Buck is
in a happier place now.
Has to be, he's not here.
And as long as you
carry him in your heart,
a part of him will
ways be with you.
That was beautiful, Daddy.
I feel a lot better now.
Thanks.
No problem, sweetheart. Okay.
Bud, help me chop up
the doghouse for firewood.
[SOBBING]
What now?
Daddy, we are not gonna get
rid of anything that was Buck's.
He will always be a
part of this family, always.
[CRIES]
Al, I think you're going to
have to get a replacement.
Are you serious?
Where am I gonna
get another daughter?
Dad, I think she meant
a replacement for Buck.
I can't afford a pet
since Peg's mom
a.k.a. Free Willy,
beached herself upstairs.
PEG'S MOM: I am not beached.
I can roll over if I want to.
Don't!
[LOUD CRASH]
Hey, I've got a great idea.
I have a friend who
owns a pet store.
Well, actually, he's a
crooked customs agent
who smuggles in
endangered species
and some really
great imported porn.
I mean corn.
Wait a second, how much
does this porn, I mean...
How much is this pet gonna cost?
Gee, I don't know, Al.
What's the spending limit
on Kelly's peace of mind?
Eleven bucks.
No, you don't, Al Bundy.
You're not gonna Scrooge
your way out of this one.
Kelly is your only daughter.
And this is my only $11, Peg.
All right, I promise to get
her a pet that she'll love.
So, Kelly.
Tell me which one of these cool
pets is gonna be the new Buck?
Oh, forget it, Daddy.
I can't take a
goldfish on a walk.
I... I can't scratch a
moth behind its ears.
And I can't teach an ant
farm to pee in Bud's shoes.
Kelly, have we
got the pet for you.
What is it this time?
A bird.
Takes one to buy one.
But this isn't
just any bird, Kel.
This is a genuine Venezuelan
emerald-crested cockatoo.
He does great
celebrity impressions.
And he knows over
150 different words.
That's got your
father beat right there.
Yeah, but he's not Buck.
Can he roll over and play dead?
Buck couldn't do that.
Till now.
[BOTH SNICKERING]
Look, Kelly, I
know he's not Buck,
but you really should
give him a chance.
Yeah, look, we got
him on approval,
so if you don't want him
after a week, he goes back.
Look.
[SQUAWKING] Kelly
pretty, Kelly pretty.
Well, he is awfully cute.
And smart.
Hey, there, cute little guy.
How much?
PEG: A thousand dollars.
Well, I'll give him a try.
I just hope it's okay with Buck.
[♪♪♪]
I'm gonna be an eagle.
I'm gonna be an eagle.
If the judge decides
that you've been good.
Oh, he will. Everybody loves me.
MAN: All rise for the
Honorable Judge Felix D. Katt.
Well, I just hope I
get a defense lawyer
who can stand up to a cat.
Buck Bundy?
Ira Mousekewitz.
I'm your
court-appointed attorney.
Houston, we have a problem.
I hope Tweety likes
the new gifts we got him.
Yeah, it'll be just
like Christmas.
Yeah, except Dad's sober and
somebody's getting presents.
Well, I guess it's
true what they say.
Nothing brings a family
together like a new pet.
[LAUGHING]
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Al, you busted
Tweety's bird food.
That's no problem, I was
on my way back to town
to have a hernia
operation anyway.
Can I get anybody else a
hundred pounds of anything?
PEG'S MOM: Jujubes.
Well, I'm gonna give
Tweety his cuddle bone.
Hey, where'd he go?
Somebody left the cage open.
He must have flown upstairs.
Upstairs?
Oh, no.
Oh, my God, a feather.
[GASPS]
Gee, I... I was wondering why
Mom sent out for white wine.
AL: What do you mean
you thought it was a chicken?
When was the last
time you heard a chicken
doing a Marlon
Brando impression?
[WEEPING] Tweety.
Well, I...
I've got some good news
and got some bad news.
The good news is Tweety
knew over 150 words.
Well, what's the, um...?
What's the bad news, Dad?
Bad news is none of them
were, "Please don't eat me."
[SOBBING]
Oh, there, there, sweetheart.
Daddy will get you a new Tweety.
Like hell Daddy will!
I don't want another Tweety.
I don't want another anything.
I just want Buck back.
Now, look Kel...
No, leave me alone!
Al, I've got another idea.
Forget about it, Marcy.
There's no pet in the world
wouldn't fit in that
woman's mouth.
She can unhinge her
jaw like an anaconda.
Kelly's problem is
that she needs closure
to reconcile herself to the
fact that Buck is really gone.
She needs to
communicate with him.
But he's dead.
He may have crossed
over to the other side,
but he's not out of reach.
Come on, Marcy, let's get
this doggy séance on the road.
Father, we're ready.
Well, the house is blessed.
Except for that big, fat,
ugly she-demon up there.
Father Sarducci, can...
Can we talk to Buck now?
Soon, my child with the
diary in the top drawer.
Are you clairvoyant?
No, I was just going
through your things.
Let us all join hands.
Al, you're not joining hands.
What's the matter, Mr. Bundy,
you don't believe
in the afterlife?
No, it... It's not that, Father.
It's just I... I don't wanna
hold my wife's hand.
Come on, now.
Calm down.
It is not easy to
contact a dead dog.
Fortunately, I have my
dead-dog whistle with me.
Won't be long now.
Maybe gonna try something else.
Uh...
I got this idea.
How about everybody concentrate?
Okay, concentrate.
You just have to.
[HUMMING]
[CHANTING] Buck
Bundy, Buck Bundy.
Yeah, I know.
But in bed I hardly
have to do anything.
Silence.
No, hardly, she's
quite the screamer.
He wasn't talking about that.
Actually, I was.
We are gathered here
tonight to contact a friend.
A departed friend who
still carries heartstrings
for his grieving
companion, the blond chick.
Kelly.
SARDUCCI: Kelly.
Buck, Buck.
Hear me, Buck.
Fill me up with thy spirit.
My body is your vessel.
Fill me up, Buck.
Fill me up.
Am I the only one
getting turned on here?
What is it, Father?
What do you feel?
Great fear.
I think Buck's in trouble.
Buck Bundy, I understand
you have waived your
right to an attorney.
Yeah, after you ate him.
Strike that from the record.
Thomas shall now read
aloud from The Book of Life.
Let's see.
"Total number of cats
chased up trees: 15."
It was harmless fun.
It's not like anyone got hurt.
"Total number of cats
chased under the wheels
of Mack trucks: 197."
I'm truly sorry about that.
I was a young pup and I
did it to impress the bitches.
And finally, "Total
number of cats eaten
this morning in heaven's
waiting room: three."
Well, dog?
You know, I don't
have to be an eagle.
I'll settle for a finch with
huevos like an eagle.
This court will
recess for one hour
while I contemplate
the appropriate sentence
in my litter box.
Well, this certainly sucks.
Be one with me, oh, spirit.
Join with me, Buck.
Join with me.
Now, look here, La Toya.
It has been over an hour.
Get to the part where Buck
is fine and Kelly's happy.
What, you want me to lie?
What do you take me for?
A lot less than you're
taking me for. Now, go ahead.
Okay, I will again
attempt to break through.
I broke through.
Buck?
Yes, it's me, Buck.
Daddy.
Daddy, Buck's Italian.
The afterlife is in Italy.
I miss you, Buck.
Oh, I miss you too, Kelly.
But I think it's time for
both of us to move on.
Go forth, my child, and
get yourself another dog.
A cheap dog.
And, Kelly, share
yourself with others
like you have shared
yourself with me, Buck.
I'll do that.
I will share myself with others.
If she shared herself any more
she'd be traded on the
New York Stock Exchange.
Now, before we
say goodbye, is...?
Is there anything
I can do for you?
Well, uh, Buck would
like to have a little hug.
Oh, of course.
[CHUCKLES]
And maybe a little kiss.
Okay.
Mwah.
No, Buck would really like
to have his tummy rubbed.
Would Buck like to have a
little shoe up his blowhole?
The spirit has departed.
Hey, hey, wait, while...
While you're still out there,
I used to have a pet
goldfish named Winky...
Not on my dime
you didn't, buddy.
Hey, hey, wait a
minute, you guys.
Now, you heard what Buck said.
He wants me to get another dog.
But, pumpkin, it's after 9:00.
Daddy's broke.
There's no way in the
world we can find another...
[THROBBING BUZZ]
Hey, wait a minute, what's that?
BUD: Hey, look, it's a puppy.
Where did it come from?
It's a sign. A sign from Buck.
That's ridiculous...
Entirely possible.
Oh, look how cute he is.
Wait a minute, I'm not an eagle.
I'm a dog.
What should we name him?
I know. Let's call him Lucky.
Lucky Bundy.
Gee, I was saving that
name for my tombstone.
Uh-oh. Those voices
sound oddly familiar.
If I could just get these
newborn eyes to focus...
[ALL COOING UNINTELLIGIBLY]
BUCK: No!
[♪♪♪]