Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 10, Episode 27 - The Joke's on Al - full transcript

While Griff faces the death penalty due to a NO MA'AM prank, Al plans to get married to an old flame.

What's this? She said...

I now call this meeting

of NO MA'AM to order.

In honour of brother Griff's

one-year anniversary

as a member of NO MA'AM,

we must now think
of a practical joke

to play on him.

I don't remember anybody
pulling a practical joke on me.

Remember on the expressway
when your brakes failed

and you almost died?



That was us.

All right, gentlemen, gentlemen.

Brother Dan, it was your job

to keep brother Griff away
from tonight's meeting.

Don't remember anybody
keeping me away from any meeting.

Remember when Dan accidentally

shot you in the back and...

And you were hospitalized
for seven weeks?

That was us.

Good one, guys.

So what did you do to Griff?

Oh, I just had him arrested.

Ha. What's the charge?

Indecent exposure,
murder, cannibalism.



Great work, brother Dan.

And that'll give
us a lot of time

to think of a great
joke to play on him.

Now, I think it's only fitting

that the joke come from me

since I am the king
of practical jokes.

No, I'm the king.

Wearing a quilted robe
and sitting on a throne all day

doesn't make you a king.

I say we have 10 pizzas sent

to brother Griff's apartment.

How does he do it?

I say that we hire
a cross-dresser

to pick up Griff

and seduce him
while we get it on tape.

Oh.

That doesn't compare to pizzas.

All those who are in
favour of my practical joke?

Boo.

All those in favour of mine?

Yeah!

Well, Al, I guess it's obvious
where we go from here.

Yes, it is. Know what?
Get the hell out of my house,

meeting is adjourned.

Sore loser. Anyway...

Oh, well. I guess I better
go spring Griff from jail.

Well, it's doughnut
night at the nudie bar.

Every hooter is either
glazed or jelly-filled.

Griff can wait.

I was robbed. My
pizza joke was better.

Yeah, yeah. You're right, Al.

You the man. Let's shake on it.

I got ya.

You got me. You're right.

You are the king
of practical jokes.

Yeah. Nuts?

Oh, thanks.

Gotcha.

Okay. Okay, Al.

I challenge you to a duel.

May the best joker win.

Let's rock.

This news bulletin just in.

The Chicago Cannibal has been
arraigned for over 100 murders.

The cannibal,
shown in this picture,

says he's innocent,

claiming there is no evidence.

The DA responded by saying,
"evidence, schmevidence."

Hey, Bud, guess who's been
arrested for eating people.

Who, Tommy Lasorda?

Listen, Kelly, can you
please explain to me

the outgoing message on
our new answering machine?

Hi, you've reached Kelly.

Please leave a
message at the tone.

If you're a girl calling
for Bud, hi, Mom!

That's not very funny
to me anymore...

You should see what I just did.

I just had 10 pizzas
sent to Jefferson's house.

Tee-hee.

I am the king of
practical jokes.

Oh, my God. It's Webster!

Webster! Webster! Oh, my God!

I don't think so.

Al Bundy, I was sent here

from Publishers Sweepstakes

and you've just won $10 million!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh! Oh!

And your mother's not
here to share our joy.

Could life be any better?

No!

Oh, what's going on?

Urkel here just gave
me 10 million bucks.

Baby.

Wow, congratulations.

What are you going to
do with all the money?

I'm going to quit my job,

burn down this house,

and live out my days
on Hooter Island.

Well, on an occasion like this,

there's only one thing to say:

gotcha!

All right, cannibal, we
know you ate those people.

Now, confess.

I haven't eaten anyone.

I don't even like ribs.

Call my ex-wife.

We did. She said she once
caught you pouring chocolate syrup

on her best friend.

That wasn't cannibalism,
that was adultery.

Look. Let me call my friend Al.

He'll prove I'm innocent.

And will you please stop
erasing the messages

before I hear them
you human futon.

Bud, you didn't
get any messages.

Believe me.

With my eagle ears,
I listen very carefully

to each and every
message before I erase them.

Al, it's Griff. You've
got to help me. I'm in...

Besides, Bud, your
girlfriends can't call you here.

You have to call them,

and it costs $3.95 a minute.

Kids, kids.

I just pulled the ultimate
practical joke on Jefferson.

What? You sent him 20 pizzas?

No, that'd be stupid. He's full.

No, I put superglue
on his toilet seat.

Oh, what kind of moron
would fall for that old gag?

Mark my words, Al, as
soon as I can sit down

and think of
something, you will pay!

Damn it, Kelly,

today I know I had a
message because...

Because I... I called myself.

Well, then you already
have a date for tonight.

Oh, home, sweet hell.

Kids are fighting,

dog's a-biting,

and a good looking
babe in the kitchen

cooking me dinner.

A woman cooking me dinner?

Kids. What?

Oh, she said she's
an old friend of Mom's.

What the hell did
you let her in for?

Al, I'm June Morgan.

I ran into Peggy in Barcelona,

and she told me you
were all alone in Chicago.

So I thought I would come by

and fix you a gourmet dinner.

Ooh, Weenie Tots.

You know, Al, looking around

I can see several things that
could use a woman's touch.

If you know what I mean.

Well, with vittles
as classy as these,

you can stick around and
touch anything you want.

Okay, I will.

Daddy.

You can't let that woman
spend the night here.

What about Mom?

What about her?

Body's not even cold yet.

You've obviously never
slept with your mother.

Oh, come on, kids.
Don't you get it?

June's not a friend
of your mom's.

She's all part of
Jefferson's practical joke.

You know, like Rerun
and that phony check.

Oh.

So you're gonna call Mr. D'Arcy

and tell him you're
on to his joke?

No. I'm going to beat
him at his own game.

Oh, you're going to
pretend to like Mrs. D'Arcy

and take all her money?

No, I'm going to
let June seduce me,

but first, we're going
to eat like royalty.

Yeah. Weenie Tots.
Come on, come on!

I want some too.

♪ Now, don't you know ♪

♪ That's the sound of the
men Working on the chain ♪

♪ Gang ♪

♪ That's the sound of the
men Working on the chain ♪

♪ Gang ♪

I didn't eat nobody.

In national news,
with the capture

of the notorious
Chicago Cannibal...

Daddy, guess who's in prison.

Unless it's Pauly
Shore, I do not care.

Bud, get up here.

All right, now.

This is the plan.

When June comes down here,

she's going to try to seduce me.

You two will be
outside videotaping.

What about...? What
about the walls, Dad?

Because we can't
shoot through the walls.

Bud, you will be
videotaping. Okay.

Now, Jefferson thinks

that I will only go
so far with June.

At which point, he
will declare victory

and tell everyone that I'm not
man enough to cheat on my wife.

Instead I will go on the attack,

making June back up.

At which point, I
will declare victory

and proudly tell everyone
that I am man enough

to cheat on my wife.

Now, let's go get set up.

Come on.

At least when I get married
I get to change my name.

Yeah, this time you should try

to change it to
one you can spell.

Al, it's me, Peggy.

Honey, I just ran
into June Morgan

an old rival of mine
from Wanker County.

She's held a grudge
against me for years

just because I stole her fiancé

on her wedding day.

Uh, oh. I've seen 15
Murder, She Wrotes

that started like this.

And get this:

she swears she's
going to get even

by stealing you away from me.

Alsy?

Can you believe it?

I forgot to pack a dress.

Well, we all make mistakes.

I forgot to ice down this
six-pack of champagne tallboys.

For you, my sweet.

What's going on?

Well, Dad just poured a can
of champagne into his hand.

Oh, I've made men do that.

Your arms, they're so strong.

Well, I sell women's shoes.

Yeah, I can tell.

All right. I think we've
had about enough foreplay.

What's happening now?

She's got Dad's entire
face in her mouth.

Ew.

Oh. Oh.

Take me, Al. Take
me in the worst way.

That's the only way I know how.

June. What?

June, we... We can't do this.

Why not?

Yeah, why not?

I can't let Jefferson win,

but he's hired someone so good,

I have to think of
something so horrible, so vile,

so disgusting she'll run
screaming from the house.

I know.

June, June.

Marry me.

A-ha.

You can't do it, can you?

Uh, no.

You're already married to Peggy.

Was married.

Yeah, she got a, um,
quickie Spanish divorce.

That's why she's in Spain.

So what is your answer?

Yes. Yes, I'll marry you.

Today's trial of the Chicago
Cannibal made history.

In only eight minutes

he was tried, convicted,
and sentenced to die tonight.

Well, this is great.

Everybody's here
but my best man.

Where's Griff?

Griff. Griff.

Wasn't there something
I was supposed to do?

Oh, hell with it.

It's not a matter
of life and death.

Hey, preacher man, you made it.

Are we lucky or what?

Isaac from The Love Boat

is also an ordained minister.

And look, Free Willy is
also the dork of honor.

Let's get this freak
show on the road.

Hey, Jefferson. Hey, Al.

How come you're not
dressed for a wedding?

What wedding?

Didn't your friend June
tell you all about it?

If that's her real name.

I don't know any June.

Of course you don't.

Hey, Ike. Ike, who's
getting married?

Oh, you are good.
You are real good.

We are gathered here today

to join this couple

in holy matrimony.

Yadda, yadda, yadda,
June, blah, blah, blah, Al,

blah, blah, blah, sight of God.

Oh, this is so beautiful.

I want my first
wedding to be just like it.

June, do you take Al

to be your lawfully
wedded husband?

Here it comes.

She'll never say "I do."

I do.

She do.

Al, do you take June

to be your lawfully wedded wife?

What do you want
me to say, Jefferson?

You want me to say you're king?

I won't say it. I'm
not going to say it.

Admit that this
is your little joke!

It's not.

This is my joke.

Hi, Al.

Mom! Mom!

I do.

Who is this woman?

Uh, she's nobody.

Uh, just my wife.

Hurry up with the ring, boy!

What is going on here?

Well, Peg, it all
started with 10 pizzas.

Shut up, Al.

June Morgan. How dare you?

Well, you stole my fiancé
at the Wanker wedding hole.

Get over it. We were 12.

All right, here's the last
of the duty-free doodie.

Al, I'm going to
go hitch a winch

up to Mama's girdle

and twang her on out of here,

what do you say?

What the hell's going on here?

It's Jefferson's fault.

He told me I won $10 million.

Yeah, well, you superglued
a toilet seat to my ass.

What's a "toilet seat"?

Al, didn't you get the message

I left you on the
answering machine?

What's an "answering machine"?

No, no. Nobody seems
to get the messages

off that answering machine.

Oh, so this is all
my fault, then?

Oh, no, honey.

Once again, this
is your father's fault.

You know what you're
going to have to do

to make this up to
me, don't you, Al?

Oh, no, Peg.

Not upstairs.

Oh, no, honey.

We're going to
do it standing up.

Right here in front of everyone.

For the 37th time, Bundy,

do you take this
woman to be your wife?

For the 37th,

8th and 9th times:

no, no, no.

Come on, Al. It's not like
we're really getting married.

We're just renewing our vows.

Besides, Dad's got you covered.

Just like old times,
eh, Ephraim?

Only this time, the...
The gun is loaded.

And so am I.

Well, Bundy?

The drunken old hillbilly's
going to have to kill me

before I say it again.

Say what?

"I do."

Gotcha.

No, Peg, that doesn't count!

Oh, Al.