Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 10, Episode 26 - Torch Song Duet - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

Ahem. Okay, Griff.

In 1960, Cassius Clay
won the Olympic gold medal

by defeating what boxer?

Let's see.

It's on the tip of her
tongue... I mean, my tongue.

Give me that.

He defeated this guy.

Come on, Griff.

The winner of the sports
radio contest gets two tickets

to the summer
Olympics in Atlanta.



That's me and you, buddy.

I never knew you were such
a big fan of the Olympics, Al.

I'm not, but I'm a huge
fan of leaving home.

You know all the answers,
why don't you call in?

Because I was banned
from the radio station

for making one innocent comment.

What did you say?

I simply said, we can
put a man on the moon

but we've yet to build an
attractive woman golfer.

And?

Okay, who holds the world record

for the longest
standing broad jump?

Me, if she doesn't move.

I was wondering,



if I said you had
a beautiful body,

would you hold it against me?

Are we near the airport,

or is that the sound
of my heart taking off?

What's your sign?

Yeah, she wants me.

Okay, this baby is
our ticket to Atlanta.

What the hell is this?

I got this from the
CIA surplus store.

This bad boy
blocks all phone calls

to the radio
station except mine.

[RADIO SKIPPING
CHANNELS AND STATIC]

I'm Calvin Farquhar.

And it's time for
Sports Radio 600

Olympic trivia contest.

Answer three
questions correctly,

and you and a friend
are off to Atlanta.

It's showtime, Griff.

You do it, Al. They
can't hate you that much.

CALVIN: This contest is open

to everyone except
Sports Radio employees

and Al Bundy.

[PHONE RINGS]

You're mouthing with
Calvin. Who's this?

GRIFF [OVER PHONE]: Ahem. Griff.

Griff, my man, you
have a last name?

Um, X, Griff X.

Are you Muslim, as in Malcolm X?

No, I-I'm divorced, as in
screwed over by the ex.

She got everything, you know?

Keep your problems
to yourself, man.

This isn't Frasier.

Okay, first question.

Who was named the outstanding
boxer in the 1988 Olympics,

despite being cheated
out of a gold medal?

[INAUDIBLE WHISPERING]

Roy Jones Jr.

[BELL DINGS] Correct.

Now name the first American city
that hosted the Summer Olympics.

[WHISPERS] St. Louis.

St. Louis.

[BELL DINGS]

Correct again.

Now, Griff, you can quit now

and keep the El Pollo Loco
12-piece chicken dinner.

I mean, 11-piece chicken dinner,

or risk everything
and go for the gold.

Do side dishes come
with that chicken? Ow!

[INAUDIBLE SPEECH]

I mean, we'll go for the gold.

We?

You are alone,
aren't you, Griff?

Al Bundy's not there, is he?

No. Absolutely not.

Then name the only
man in Olympic history

to win a gold medal

in both Summer and Winter
games, and name the event.

[INAUDIBLE WHISPERING]

Uh, Eddie Eagan, boxing

and, um... And...

Bobsledding.

Was that Al Bundy?

No. That was me, Griff.

When I get excited,
I sound Caucasian.

You know, like... Like that guy
from Hanging With Mr. Cooper.

Well, congratulations, Griff.

You're going to Atlanta, man.

Now, we'll catch men's boxing.

Then Shaq and the Dream Team

take on the always
impressive Kuwaiti Five.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Sometimes it's fun to root

for underdeveloped
countries, Al.

Speaking of underdeveloped.

Well, hello,
Griff. Hello, whiff.

Listen, in preparation
for your trip,

I've put together some
brochures of sights to see

and things to do
while you're in Atlanta.

Martin Luther King
Junior Memorial,

Peachtree Plaza, and look, the
Jimmy Carter Peanut Museum.

Thank you, Marcie,

and we will put
this to good use.

Wobble's gone.

And yet the weeble's still here.

Come on, Jefferson. I'm
going to Victoria's Secret.

What in the world for?

Uh, I mean, I'll meet you there.

Heh-heh! Bye-bye.

All right, look, guys.

Here's how to see the
real sights in Atlanta.

Their official illustrated
guide to the nudie bars.

Ooh! Ha-ha-ha!

The South shall rise again.

And so shall we.

Well, Marcie's gonna be
wondering what happened to me.

Is, uh, Victoria's Secret
still down that way?

AL: Yep.

Thanks.

Hey, Al, here comes
that sports-radio guy.

You better hide.

Not to worry. He only
knows my voice, not my face.

Excuse me.

I'm Calvin Farquhar, and
are either of you Griff X?

I'm Mr. X.

Nice to meet you. Ha-ha!

Heh. You'll have
to excuse my friend,

Al... Fredo.

Alfredo. He doesn't talk much.

Lost his tongue in the war.

And a few other things too.

Well, Griff, if you'll just
sign for these tickets.

Oh, sure. H-have a seat.

Hey, Dad.

Can I go to Las Vegas
this weekend with...?

With, um...?

What was your name?

Oh, it doesn't matter.
Heh-heh! Can I go?

Oh, well, thanks, Dad.

I won't get married
or anything stupid.

You're gonna let
Kelly go to Vegas?

You're not the Al Bund...

[SQUEALING]

[CRASH]

Uh...

Griff, the added bonus

is that you get to carry

the Olympic torch
through the mall.

Well, that's... That's
quite an honor.

But, um...

I'd rather let my friend
Alberto here carry it.

You mean Alfredo, don't you?

Uh, yeah, A-A-Alfredo Alberto.

He's an Italian, uh,
exchange salesman.

Well, you are the winner,
and it's your choice.

Can we take a
picture, please? Sure.

Thank you very much,
and congratulations.

Thank you.

Griff, thanks to you,

I will realize one
of my life's dreams:

to carry the Olympic torch.

I thought your life's dream
was to feel up Barbara Eden.

Oh, yeah, but I did that.

Stroking the big screen
at Sears doesn't count.

The point is,
carrying that torch,

for me, will be like
scoring my fifth touchdown.

Griff, there is a rumor
that's got me tingling all over.

I hear you're carrying
the Olympic torch.

Yes, I am.

Oh!

Excuse me, oh, back-stabber X.

What do you mean
you're carrying the torch?

Al, look at her.
What would you do?

Girls like that are
a dime a dozen.

There's my dime.
Bring me a dozen.

What about friendship?

What about my dime?

Al, look. We're still
going to Atlanta.

Besides, you're the only one

who gives a damn
about that stupid torch.

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]

Are you the guy carrying
the Olympic torch?

For God and country. I
thought you said that nobody...

When are do you start training?
We'd like to take your picture,

give you product
endorsements, a free car.

Sure, but as long
as I can share it all

with my best friend.

A person without whom
none of this would be possible.

Yo, momma, baby,
they wanna give us a car.

If I kill Griff, get
sentenced to life in prison,

I'll be out in a
couple of weeks.

But I'll miss canola
night at the Jiggly Room.

But they gotta have
the equivalent in prison.

So I guess it'll be worth it.

Uh, Dad, I see you're still

a little upset about
this Griff thing.

Son, the TV is a thing.

Your mother is a thing.

But betrayal by your
best friend is high treason.

Oh, come on, Daddy, cheer
up. Let's watch some TV.

Maybe there's something good on.

Yeah, watch a little tube.

All right.

WOMAN [OVER TV]:
Coming up on BET,

Griff asks O. J.
The tough questions.

BARNEY: ♪ Oh, we
love Griff Griff loves us ♪

That's not fair.

That should be me
hugging that big purple idiot.

My whole life has been
leading up to that moment.

Dad, I thought
you said your life

was leading up to
you leaving Mom.

Well, it was, but...

It was, but I wanna
combine the two.

Once I had that
torch in my hand,

I would have just
kept on running.

Daddy, you wanna
know what I think?

Oh, this should be good.

Now, like a great
Eastern religion says,

it's all about
striking a balance

between the ping and the pong.

[SOUTHERN ACCENT]
Go get my noose, boy.

I'll get two.

Now, Dad, listen.
Your misery, or the ping,

is what makes other
people happy, or pong.

Pumpkin, Daddy's feeling
a little ping right now.

Well, good.

That means that somebody
somewhere must be really pong.

Maybe it's me.

She's been eating
Wite-Out again, hasn't she?

Dad, Griff's your friend.

Why can't you just
be happy for him?

When was the last
time you saw me happy,

for anyone, about anything?

Dad, Griff is a shoe
salesman, all right?

I mean, he makes no money.

He drives a sardine
can on wheels,

and he paints his ankles

so we'll think he
can afford socks.

The guy's got no life.

But, son, that's my life.

Well, then you can understand

why he deserves a
little bit of happiness.

Ah, pumpkin, maybe you're right.

Maybe I haven't been
such a good friend.

Or a father.

But maybe there's
still something I can do

to make up for it.

Dad, wanna go outside

and throw the ball
around a little bit?

Not you.

Griff, he's like family to me...

Better, because he
doesn't even live here.

Tomorrow, I'm going
down to the shoe store.

I'm gonna tell him
he's my best friend

and that I'm happy for him.

Oh, Daddy, you're so good.

I'm sure in your next life

you're gonna be reincarcerated.

Excuse me. I'm Roy Jones Jr.

Undefeated, two-time
world champion,

former Olympian Roy Jones Jr?

I prefer to think of myself

as "pound for pound the
best boxer in the world"

Roy Jones Jr.

Well, I prefer to
think of myself

as "high school
football star" Al Bundy.

But unlike you, I got married.

Now my life is all screwed up.

Well, enough about
you. Is Griff here?

Uh, no, Griff's stretching,
getting ready for his big run.

I'm his best friend, you know.

And I'm... I'm... I'm
very happy for him.

Well, you... Well,
you should be.

I mean, after all,
he is America's hero.

Gimme that. America's
hero? I'm the one who...

I'm the one who's
his best friend,

and I'm very,
very happy for him.

Get your official "Go
Griff" T-shirts here.

Here you go. Hey.
There we go. Thank you.

Here you go. There
you go. That's it, right.

Jefferson, I am so proud
of you. You finally got a job.

Marcie, this...
This isn't a job.

No, I'm giving
away these T-shirts

to promote global unity.

Oh, you're such a good man.

Excuse me.

Aren't you Bruce Jenner?

No, I am not.

Are you sure?

Don't make me knock you out.

Oh, can I get a Griff shirt?

Oh, sure, you can.
Come on over here.

Alfredo, look who
I got to help me

cover the Griff torch run.

Super Bowl MVP Larry Brown.

Larry Brown.

That's me.

It's a miracle. Alfredo, the
tongueless man, speaks.

[CACKLING]

Aren't you Bruce Jenner?

Can I have your
autograph, please?

Can I have your
autograph, please?

I'm Al Bundy. Did you come
'cause you got my letter?

Yeah, right.

I'm not here to see
you. I'm here to see Griff.

But why? You're
a Super Bowl hero.

Even though that bum O'Donnell

threw those two
passes right to you.

Hey, I know that
and you know that,

but Disneyland and
the Raiders don't.

And you know, I'd give it all up

to be in Griff's shoes today.

Why? He's just a
divorced shoe salesman

who's carrying a flaming stick

through a mall
full of fat women.

But I am his best friend
and I'm very happy for him.

You oughta be.

Hey, uh, Larry, uh, you, uh...?

You wanna buy one of these
limited-edition, autographed

"Go Griff" T-shirts?

Sure.

Uh, I don't have any
cash on me right now,

but, uh, hey, how
about a Super Bowl ring?

Sure. All right.

Wow, I'll always treasure this.

Me too. I'll never let it go.

Anyone wanna buy
a Super Bowl ring?

Excuse me, pal.

Hey, you're Flint Guccione,

publisher of Big 'Uns magazine.

Right you are.

Who would have
thought that an Instamatic,

drunken family reunion

and 50 bucks could
start an empire?

Don't tell me you came
to shake Griff's hand.

I did that yesterday
when I presented him

with his lifetime key
to the Big 'Uns brothel.

And today we're gonna make
Griff Big 'Uns Man Of The Year.

[♪♪♪]

Oh, Al, you're the
man of the year.

No. You're the
man of the century.

You're twice the man Griff is.

That's why I cloned myself.

Hey, everybody, it's Griff.

And he's got the torch.

[ALL CHEERING]

Those were my answers.
That should be my torch.

I will be the flaming one.

This is Miranda Veracruz
de la Jolla Cardenal,

live at the New Market Mall
where national hero Griff X

has just run by with
the Olympic torch.

Wait a minute.

Someone is chasing Griff.

It appears to be local
hooligan Al Bundy.

ALL: Ooh!

Oh, no. He has knocked
the torch from Griff's hand

and sent it hurtling
into the mall fountain.

[WATER SPLASHES]

[ALL GROAN]

MIRANDA [OVER TV]: For
the first time in 3000 years,

the Olympic flame
has been extinguished.

The torch must
now be relit in Athens

and run around the
world once more.

The Summer Olympics have
been postponed indefinitely.

Thanks again

to now international
hooligan Al Bundy.

I guess you can look
on the bright side, Dad.

From now on, when people
think of Olympic shame,

they'll think of Al Bundy
first and then Tonya Harding.

Daddy, do you think it's
safe to go out for food now?

Oh, pumpkin, I-I... I
wouldn't worry about it.

You know, when it
comes to scandals,

Americans have short memories.

[THUNK] [INAUDIBLE SPEECH]

[♪♪♪]