Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 10, Episode 23 - Enemies - full transcript

In this pilot for a proposed TV series, a group of "friends" live in a sometimes peaceful co-existence. Tom is a handsome deliveryman living with his gorgeous girlfriend Shannon, his ...

[♪♪♪]

WOMAN [ON TV]: And now, Friends,

followed by The
Making of Friends.

And then, on the 10:00
news, the cast of Cheers

discusses their favorite
episodes of Friends.

Ah, Kelly, can we please
watch something else?

This is a rerun.

No, it's not.

I've seen this one
a million times.

Hey, Dad, you're off work early?

I'm always off at this time.



I just never came home before
because your mother was here.

What are you watching?

Friends. Friends.

Don't have 'em, don't need 'em,

sure as hell don't
wanna watch 'em.

How can anyone
not love this show?

I mean, there's nothing
on TV quite like Friends.

MAN 1 [ON TV]: Now,
stay tuned for Buddies.

MAN 2 [ON TV]: Next up, Homeys.

[MAN SPEAKING SPANISH]

Amigos!

MAN 3 [ON TV]: Geezers,
starring Bill Cosby.

Aah!

WOMAN [ON TV]:
Welcome back to Friends.



Sponsored by the new Friends
Las Vegas Hotel and Casino.

Oh, I wanna go, I wanna go.

Well, that satellite dish
was money well spent

like the wedding ring
and the smoke detectors.

Yeah, I'm going down to my room.

I have absolutely no
interest in this show.

Yeah, well, you would if it
was called Rubber Friends.

I'll Rubber Friends
you, right in the...

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, Daddy, can you get
that? It might be the door.

My kingdom for a drive-by.

I've got something
for a Peggy Bundy.

So do I.

DELIVERY MAN: Oh,
then I guess you don't want

these Big 'Uns centerfold
Popsicle molds either?

Are you crazy? I
ordered those, give me.

Yeah, you're gonna love
them, and here's a tip:

If you only fill the
trays to the neck,

they come out without heads.

Whoo. [LAUGHS]

Whoo.

Hi there. Hi.

What you watching?

Friends.

Friends.

Mind if I sit here anyway? No.

No, make yourself at home.

I'd get you a beer, but I don't
wanna be caught empty-handed

when the gardener and
chimney sweep drop by.

Well, my dad's gone.

You can, uh, sit
a little bit closer.

"Tom."

[CHUCKLES]

That's a... That's a great name.

Were you named after anybody?

Yeah, yeah, my father.

Oh, cool, what's his name?

Oh, oh, I'm... I'm Kelly.

I-I don't wear a nametag.

[CHUCKLES]

I wasn't looking for one.

Ha. Oh.

Well, then, what
were you looking for?

This.

[BEEPING]

What was that? A lip alarm?

Sort of, see...

I'm being paged by
my girlfriend, Shannon.

If I don't check in with
her every 15 minutes

she gets this crazy
idea I'm cheating on her.

Question Number 12:

How many times this week

has your man come home
late with a lame excuse?

Hi, sweetie, sorry I'm late.

I got the clock in my truck
confused with the speedometer.

Seven.

Oh, hell, she's taking
the Cosmo quiz.

What is it this month, baby?

"How to kiss your
way into his living will"?

No, it's called, "How to
tell if you and your man..."

That's you. "are in
a dying relationship."

Ha. Well, are we?

Well, I'll know in a minute.

Hey, what's seven times four?

Twenty-eight.

Oh, yeah, we're dead.

Come on, you can't trust Cosmo.

They hate men.

Well, you know, Tom,
it's not just the quiz.

I followed you this afternoon.

I thought you were doing
makeovers at Macy's.

Yeah, I was, but I told them

that I needed a
personal stalking day.

Anyway, I saw you go into
a cute blond girl's house.

So?

Come on, I'm a delivery guy.

I go into people's houses.

Sometimes they're girls.

Sometimes they're cute.

Sometimes you
sleep with them. Yeah.

But not today.

Today, I was faithful to you.

You just don't get it, do you?

Not since you
subscribed to Cosmo, no.

Oh, yeah?

Well, it's a lot better
than those lovemaking tips

you get from Popular Mechanics.

[GROANS]

Hi. Hi.

Nice mood.

Did my brother
cheat on you again?

Yes.

Tom and I are in the
middle of the biggest fight

we've had since yesterday.

Then why are you
bothering to wax your legs?

Don't they teach you
anything at night school?

If Tom and I make
up, we'll end up in bed,

and he'll want smooth legs.

If we break up, I'll end up
in bed with somebody else

and he'll want smooth legs.

So either way, waxing is
the key to my happiness.

Bastards!

[GRUNTING]

Ah. Well, good evening, ladies.

You know, after
a long, hard day,

there's nothing like
a relaxing shower.

Jackson, why do
you need a shower?

You don't work.

I get just as dirty watching
TV as you do working.

Sure, now that you've
unscrambled the porn channel.

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY]

At least I have a sex life.

Uh, which reminds me,
you're out of liquid soap.

[EXHALES]

Look, Shannon, I'm
sorry about our fight.

And to make up for it,
I bought you a present.

It better be good.

Ta-da!

What are those?

Hey, it's 9:00 at night.

It was either this
or a Polish sausage.

Look, Tom, I'm
sure, in your eyes,

these were a very sweet gesture.

[GARBAGE DISPOSAL HUMMING]

I need more than a gesture.

I knew I should've
gone with the sausage.

Look, Tom.

Cosmo says that
I'm an under-dater.

No problem, tonight,
you can be on top.

What I mean is...

Is that a girl like
me has big dreams.

I shouldn't be dating you.

I should be dating your boss.

You did date his boss.

You did?

Yeah, how do you think
you got your promotion?

I thought it was
'cause I dated his wife.

[GRUNTS ANGRILY]

You know, I don't know
what keeps me here

when there's a city full
of middle-aged rich men

just one drink
away from infidelity.

I know what keeps you here.

[GRUNTS]

[MOANING]

Forget it, Tom.

You know, the TV Guide
horoscope was right.

I have no business
living with a Libra.

We are so through.

You can't leave like this.

We haven't had sex today.

SHANNON: Speak for yourself!

Tom, I know you're feeling
upset about Shannon leaving,

but you'll feel better if you
stop sulking and do something.

[GLASS BREAKING]

Heh. You're right,
I do feel better.

What did you do?

Smashed her porcelain
cat collection. Ha-ha.

Look, Tom, obviously
you're feeling hurt right now.

Hurt?

Come on, that's a girlie thing.

I'm feeling the guy
version of hurt: horny.

You know, that's
also the guy version

of happy, curious and sleepy.

In fact, is there ever a moment
when you guys aren't horny?

Prostate exams.

And the "It's a
Small World" ride.

No, just prostate exams.

I forgot about those
little Polynesian girls.

[CHUCKLES]

You know what? You're no
better than your skirt-chasing father.

Hey, it was your mother

who walked into a
married man's house

in that little maid's outfit.

She was the maid, you idiot.

Still, I am not like him.

I know the first name
of almost every woman

I've ever slept with.

And with any luck, I'm
about to learn a new one.

[DINGS]

Keiko, pick up.

All right, all right,
give it to me, I got it.

Wow, Jefferson, this is
a real soul experience.

Not some fake yuppie hangout.

We are down with the people.

You're not wearing that
Rolex I gave you, are you?

Oh, no, no, I
sold that long ago.

I mean, it's too
precious to ever wear.

Yo, there, bro.

We're new to the 'hood.

What can you recommend?

The hamburgers.

Oh, well, uh, we were
hoping for something

a little bit more, uh...

[SNAPS FINGERS]

down home.

You know, like collard
greens, oxtails, moon pies.

I'm glad you've seen Martin,

but here, we serve hamburgers.

Listen, homes.

If you insist on dissing
your customers...

in that manner, then we
are just going to have to

ease on down that road.

Word.

Well, then,

I guess you want
your order to go.

There.

Oh.

Your mama.

George, hi.

I've never been
a waitress before.

When customers leave
money on the table, who is it for?

It's for me.

It's their way of
showing appreciation

for the guy who cooked the food.

[SIGHS]

I have so much to learn.

[SQUEALS]

George, meet Kelly. Hey, hey.

Oh, hey, Kelly.

Welcome to George's Diner.

Place where everybody
knows your name,

but is rude to
you just the same.

It's just like my house.

So, Tom.

Excuse me. Oh, sure.

Did you and Shannon break up

or is she just out of town?

No, she's in town.

No doubt crying into a pint of
Chunky Monkey over losing me.

Huh? Heh-heh-heh.

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

Hi, Tom.

Hi, Shannon, what
brings you here?

A Jaguar.

Owned by Henry.

I'm Henry.

My other car is a yacht.

So you gonna introduce
me to your little friend?

Kelly, meet Shannon.

Oh, hi. Heh-heh.

She's the woman I used to
go home to after my dates.

Oh.

Henry, meet Tom.

He's the guy who
thought I stayed home

while he went out
with other women.

It's good to see that
people can break up

and still remain
such good friends.

So, uh, where'd you two meet?

At Macy's.

I was there to buy
a gift for my wife.

And I thought I'd pick up
a little something for me.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Excuse me, George,

Kelly and I would
like a table for two.

Henry and I would
like a table for one.

And I'd like to pass
a health inspection.

So good luck to all of us.

Kelly, when I'm with you

I feel like you're the
only woman in the world.

She's holding his
hand, right in front of me.

So what?

I thought I was the
only woman in the world.

I'm sorry, did you
say something?

[♪♪♪]

♪ We used to be Good together ♪

♪ We knew this day
would come But never ♪

♪ Meant to be unkind However ♪

♪ Love makes us do it ♪

♪ Love puts us through it ♪

♪ There's nothing to it ♪

♪ 'Cause love makes us do it ♪

♪ We wonder why
We can't recover ♪

♪ In the arms of another ♪

♪ Jealous lies We
hurt each other ♪

♪ Love makes us do it ♪

♪ Love puts us through it ♪

♪ There's nothing to it ♪

♪ 'Cause love makes us do it ♪

♪ Love makes us do it ♪

♪ Love puts us through it ♪

♪ There's nothing to it ♪

♪ 'Cause love makes us do it ♪

Excuse me.

People eat there.

Oh, Henry, I'm really turned on.

Let's make love.

Shall we do it in the Jag, or
do you wanna go to my condo?

No, let's go someplace
really romantic.

The bathroom.

Come on, Let's go
to the bathroom too.

Okay, I'll try, but I
don't think I have to go.

SHANNON: Oh, Henry,
please blow on my neck.

Not you.

Oh, yes, right there.

You know, in this light,

you remind me of my
fourth wife's daughter.

[THUMPING]

TOM: Oh, Kelly, you're the best.

[GROANING]

This is really fun.

But, um, could you wait outside
'cause now I really have to go.

Hold on, I'm not done
impressing Shannon.

Well, let me know
if there's anything

I can do to just hurry it along.

SHANNON [MOANING]: Oh, Henry.

Well, you... You can
moan like Shannon.

[MOANING] Oh, Henry.

BOTH: "Oh, Henry"?

KELLY: I mean, oh, Tom.

TOM: Oh, Kelly, lower.

SHANNON: Oh, Henry, higher.

Oh, Edwin, take
me to the bathroom.

[GROANING]

That's it.

No, that's it.

I'm there.

No, I'm there.

You can't be there.

I'm the only one who
can take you there.

[SCREAMS]

[GRUNTS]

You know, I'll
tell you one thing.

I am not going on a
second date with Tom.

No, you shouldn't.

A woman like you deserves
a man who respects women.

Nice legs.

You wanna get in my
Jag and go shopping?

Sure. Ha-ha.

Could you just wait one minute?

'Cause I really have
to use the bathroom.

Ha-ha. Okay.

Daddy.

I want you to meet Henry.

[GIGGLES]

Pumpkin, what did we
say about talking to Daddy?

I'm watching my
new favorite TV show.

Friends?

Dad... Dad, I thought
you hated this show.

I do.

But if you mute the sound,

and watch with binoculars...

you can see that
Jennifer Aniston

isn't wearing a bra.

Wow.

This really is must-see TV.

[♪♪♪]