Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 10, Episode 22 - Al Goes to the Dogs - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

You miserable, girl-bladdered,

insomniac, roach of a dog.

Buck could hold it for
days. Why can't you?

LUCKY: I am Buck, you
shoe-peddling moron.

Dad.

I thought I heard something.
Was there an intruder?

No, Hef.

It was probably Lucky,

scratching on the
door to get out.

No, no, no, I heard that.



This, uh... This sounded
more like breaking glass.

Oh, oh. No, those were my tears

freezing in midair, then
shattering on the sidewalk.

Is it really that
cold out there?

Let me show you.

Pervert.

You know, a girl can't even come
home from her prayer meeting

without someone trying to stick
their tongue down her throat.

Kids, this is the perfect
time for a family meeting.

Oh, my... And the topic

of our family meeting

is the little member
of this family

who can't make it through the
night without wetting himself.

Dad, right in front of him?



I think he meant the dog, Kel.

Didn't you, Dad?

Don't you understand
that, since your mother left,

I've been handling all the
maternal responsibilities.

Now, do you think it's
easy lounging on this couch

growing out of my clothes
and begging myself for sex?

I simply don't have time
to walk the damn dog.

All right, Dad, I'm sorry.

We promise, starting tomorrow,
we will take care of Lucky.

[GROANS]

Bud?

Miserable, flee-infested
geyser of a dog.

I didn't see you lift your leg
into a minus 20 wind chill.

Bud!

Or should I say Boy Wonder?

Dad, what are you doing up?

I was awakened by a nightmare

that your mother was
kissing me all over.

Then I realized it was Lucky
because his breath was sweet,

his feet were warm, and
just a little bit more furry.

Then I thought, "It's
3:15 in the morning,

"with hail the
size of softballs.

Let's take Lucky
out for a little dump."

God, do I have to
spell it out for you?

G-N-O spells "no."

[YELLING]

I gave the two of you one more
chance. You failed miserably.

Tomorrow night, Lucky
spends his evening in the yard.

Dad, you can't put a dog
outside in the middle of winter.

It's inhumane.

No, Bud. Inhumane would
be to force him to work

at a shoe store
for minimum wage,

and then have him come
home to a redheaded Shih Tzu.

Hey, Daddy,

if you're gonna
put Lucky outside,

you're gonna have to
build him a doghouse.

You know, we can even build
it together, as a family project.

You mean l-like that perfect
family o-on Party of Five?

Dad, their parents were
killed in a fiery car crash.

[CHUCKLES] Exactly.

Bud, do you wanna hand
me that hammer, son?

Thank you.

Oh, no, pumpkin,
that's all right.

Daddy already drank
too many ice-cold beers.

Hey, buddy.

What you, uh...? What you doing?

I'm building a doghouse
with my loving family.

Y-you know, they
come ready-made.

You mean, I didn't have
to have sex with the wife?

[BOTH LAUGHING]

The doghouses, Al.

Ah, but why spend the money

and miss the satisfaction
of creating a house

for your beloved pooch

working with your bare hands?

Right, kids?

Uh, Al, I-I don't
see Bud and Kelly.

Do you?

Ah! Who needs 'em?

Everybody should work every
day outside, with their hands.

Whether you're sticking nails
under your neighbor's tires

or digging that grave

you can't wait to jump into,

I'm just glad I have
a friend like you,

who's willing to help out.

And that's important, Jefferson,

because we have
to stick together.

I mean, we're a vanishing breed.

You wanna hand me...?

[HAMMERING]

Kelly, what is Dad
hammering out there?

[HAMMERING]

AL: Ow!

Apparently, himself.

AL: Damn nail. Damn thumb.

Damn dog!

Bud, after months of trying,

I think I finally found
a way to show Carlos

how much I care about him.

A piñata full of condoms?

No, Little Engine That Couldn't.

No, I needed to know
what kind of woman he liked.

So I wrote to his brother back
in the old country of San Di...

San... What does this say?

Diego.

Yeah, where they speak spinach.

So h-he sent me these
pictures of his old girlfriends

and they're all plain-looking.

I mean, they have no
makeup, no jewelry, no...

No bras.

Let me see that.

So you know what I'm gonna do?

I am gonna go to
Pierre's Salon Au Natural,

where, for only $500,

I can look like I haven't spent
any money on myself at all.

You are your mother's daughter.

Well, duh.

Listen, Carlos is
coming over in a little bit.

If he gets here before I get
back, keep him away from Dad.

Don't let him talk to him.

Don't even let him
look at him, okay?

All right. But why?

AL: Make way!

[LAWN MOWER WHIRRING]

Howdy, neighbor.

What you doing?

Well, let's see. I got a
saw, I got me some wood,

I got me a How to Build
a Doghouse manual.

I'm Jet-Skiing.

Well, I am trying to go over

some records for bank deposits,

though I suppose that
concept is lost on you.

Much as a strapless
bra would be on you.

Do you suppose that you could
keep the noise down just a hair?

Okay.

Thanks, Al. Just two hours
of quiet, that's all I need.

She didn't say what two hours.

[BUZZING]

ANNOUNCER [ON TV]: And
now we return to Red Shoe Diaries.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

WOMAN: Hi, you don't know me,

but would you wine me, dine me,

and have your way with me?

MAN: Well, I'd love to.

Yeah, right.

I can't count how many
times that's happened to me.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hi.

You don't know me,

but would you wine me, dine me,

and have your way with me?

I'm dreaming.

Better pinch myself.

What am I, an idiot?

Heh. Let's go, baby.

Hello, Bud. Is Kelly here?

No. I'm supposed
to tell you something.

Hi, you don't know me,
but would you wine me...?

Never mind. Never mind.

Just, uh, go ask my dad.

♪ Wild thing ♪

[WHIRRING]

♪ You make my heart sing ♪

[WHIRRING]

♪ You make everything groovy ♪

You must be Kelly's father.

You must be here to take
advantage of my daughter,

live off me, like my
worthless wife and family.

Mr. Bundy, money is
of no concern to me.

I come from a
very wealthy family.

Son.

Please, please, call me Carlos.

No, no, I prefer son.

Do you know anything
about building houses?

My family built
our entire village.

We even built a tunnel
from my country to yours.

Then you should know
how to work one of these.

Of course. Heh-heh.

Do you know how
to make it go louder?

You mean like this?

[WHIRRING LOUDLY]

[LAUGHING]

Hey, Marcy, how's that
bank report coming along?

What's that? I'm
sorry. I can't hear you.

Ow!

What did I ever do to you?

You were born.

And you live here

and I don't know what
you did to my birdbath,

but the little birdies
won't go there anymore.

You started this.

You came over here and
you told me to be quiet.

What did you expect?

Ha. Don't complain to me.

Do what I did and
complain to him.

This is Inspector Fitzpatrick

of the Department of
Housing and Zoning.

How do you do, Mr. Bundy?

Nice doghouse you've
got there. Why, thank you.

Tear it down.

[LAUGHING]

What do you mean, this
doghouse has to come down?

Me and my son
Carlos just put it up.

You have no permit.

It's a doghouse.

You say it's a doghouse.

What's to stop you from
renting it out to a family?

The fact that it's
2 feet by 2 feet.

Sorry, Bundy. No
permit, no doghouse.

No doghouse, no brain.

Perhaps... Perhaps this can be
resolved without a bludgeoning.

Well, you could always try going
down to the Building Department,

standing in line all day long

with people from
Eighth World countries

carrying sausage in their
clothing, pay your 30 bucks.

Or you could pay me 50, I could
give you the permit right now.

Carlos, I-I'm a little short.

How much do you need, Mr. Bundy?

Uh, 70.

Ah.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

What are you doing now?

I'm a building inspector.
I'm inspecting your building.

Uh-huh. Uh-oh.

"Uh-oh" what?

This house is too close
to the main dwelling.

You're gonna
have to tear it down.

What do you mean, tear it down?

Why can't we just move it?

Uh, uh, uh.

It's illegal to move
an unsafe dwelling.

But it might be a little safer
with a 50 in your pocket, huh?

Carlos? Seventy?

Uh, better make it 80.

Ordinarily, I'd take your money,

but Mrs. D'Arcy's already
paid me much more

and, well, call
me old-fashioned,

but I'm a one-bribe kind of guy.

Besides, it will be
fun watching you

build the doghouse
all over again.

It sure will.

[LAUGHING]

Oh, yeah? Well,
don't hold your breath.

No, do it until you're blue,

'cause we're not
rebuilding this doghouse.

Carlos, we're going bowling.

I don't know how to bowl.

Well, you got money, don't you?

Well, that's half the
game, right there.

But, Mr. Bundy, doesn't your
dog need someplace to go?

I don't care where he...

Oh! Oh!

Damn dog. Damn neighbor.

Damn day I was born.

Here. Easy. Ow! Ow.

Yeah, I'd like to throw this...

Carlos, what are you
doing out here with...?

With the yard man?

No, Kelly. This
man is your father.

That hasn't been proven.

Come on, Carlos,
let's go inside.

But why? I'm having a wonderful
time here with your father.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

Carlos? Don't you notice
anything different about me?

Oh, no. You're the
same lovely Kelly

I worship as a chaste goddess.

Damn.

I knew I should have gotten
the complete make-under.

I'm going back to the salon. I
need a couple hundred dollars.

No problemo, lo pumpkito.

Carlos?

Thank you, Daddy.

All right. That oughta
do it, inspector.

Oh, well, let's see.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Looks to be the proper
distance from the house.

But...

But what?

No foundation.

[TRUCK BEEPING]

All right, come on
back. Come on back.

Oh!

All right, boys, pour
me a foundation.

That's it?

My future son-in-law spent $700

for one stinking
blob of concrete?

I'm sorry, but we've got
a one-truckload minimum.

Do you have someplace
you want us to pour the rest?

How about the dog?

Very funny.

Check your sock drawer.

Well, it's your cement.

When you figure where
you want the rest of it,

just give me a call.

Oh.

Now, listen. Before we
rebuild this doghouse

yet another time,

any more surprises in that
magic little codebook of yours?

No, not a thing.

Uh-oh.

What? What's wrong now?

No plumbing.

[LAUGHING]

Excuse me.

[MARCY SCREAMS, GLASS SHATTERS]

Now, why would a
dog need plumbing?

He doesn't wash himself
after he marks a tree.

If he's dirty, he just drags
himself along the ground,

like I'm going to do to you,

if you don't approve
this doghouse.

Page 49, Mr. Bundy.

No plumbing, no doghouse.

[TOILET FLUSHES]

Well, the pipes
are up and running.

I even filled his waterbed.

Let me see this. Mm-hm.

All right. Plumbing passes.

But where's your
handicap access?

[SPRAY PAINT HISSING]

Okay, bring on the
three-legged dogs.

Okay, Bud. After six
hours at the salon,

I think my natural
look is finally complete.

What do you think?

Well, you... You no longer
look like a North American slut.

Now you look like a
South American slut.

That's exactly the
look I was going for.

♪ Wild thing You
make my heart sing ♪

[LAUGHING]

Uh, excuse me, old
homely, housekeeper woman.

Have you seen
the beautiful, sweet,

and excitingly-trashy Kelly?

Carlos, you see, this is Kelly.

You just don't recognize her
with her clothes right-side out.

So, uh, Carlos, what do
you think of my new look?

I spent $700 to achieve the
look of the women of your village.

I spent $7000 to come to America

to get away from the
women of my village.

Kelly,

I have decided you are not
the Angora sweater-wearing

pointy-breasted woman who'll
frost my Duncan Hines cakes

while bearing my 2.6 children
as I watch wrestling on TV.

Carlos, you never
wanted those things before.

Oh, yes,

but I never spent the day
with your father before.

He is a very wise man.

He... He reeks of wisdom,

and something
else I cannot identify.

Heed his words, Kelly.

Now I must take my leave.

Adios.

Wait, wait, Carlos, I am a slut.

I can be a big slut. Huge slut.

Hello, pumpkin.

Daddy, you have ruined my life.

Well, that makes us even.

Oh, come on, pumpkin,
cheer up. So you lost Carlos.

Hey, at least, we're going to
the basketball game together.

Me and you, Dad?

No, me and Carlos.

Gee, what a guy. You know,
it's funny how things work out.

I spent $12,000 of Carlos'
money on a doghouse

that Lucky refuses
to set foot into.

Then why are you so happy?

Because 6000 bucks
of it's in my pocket.

[LAUGHING]

Hey, I also figured
out where to pour

that leftover truckload
of wet cement.

We're getting a
swimming pool? Better.

MARCY: Jefferson, have
you seen my car keys?

[TRUCK BEEPING]

Hey, you in the truck,

get that spout away
from my Mercedes.

MAN: Okay, boys, let her rip.

MARCY: No!

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[♪♪♪]