Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 10, Episode 20 - Spring Break: Part 2 - full transcript

Al, Jefferson and Griff are having the time of their lives at Fort Lauderdale - Al even finds a new way to earn money by collecting empty cans! The girls are prepping Kelly for the beauty ...

[♪♪♪]

LUCKY: Previously on
Married With Children:

Bud and his frat brothers
had tickets to spring break.

Until Kelly and her
girlfriends tricked them

out of their tickets
to Fort Lauderdale.

[MAKES KISSING NOISE]

Kelly's running for
Miss Spring Break

and Jefferson is
one of the judges.

Al and Griff didn't
need much convincing

to join Jefferson.

[♪♪♪]



Which inspired Marcy, Bud

and his cool friends
to head south.

Road trip!

Destination: Fort Lauderdale!

So now thanks to
state-of-the-art graphics

courtesy of Columbia
Pictures Television,

let's rejoin Married
With Children.

[CAR ENGINE STARTS]

BUD: ♪ Ninety-eight
luscious hooters On the wall ♪

MAN 1: ♪ Ninety-eight
Luscious hooters ♪

MAN 2: ♪ If a pair of those
Should happen to fall ♪

ALL: ♪ Ninety-six luscious
hooters On the wall ♪

♪ Ninety-six luscious
hooters On the wall... ♪

MARCY: Will you idiots shut up?



BUD: Sorry, Mrs. D'Arcy,

we're just trying to
take our minds off

what Kelly and the
easy riders did to us.

MARCY: Well, it's a long
drive to Fort Lauderdale.

So I suggest that
you enjoy the beauty

of this great country of ours.

[COW MOOS]

Oh, yes.

Thanks for the game of chicken.

See you guys at the hot tub.

All right. All right. Bye-bye.

Bye.

Oh, gentlemen,

is this not the greatest day

of our shoulders,
necks and backs?

[LAUGHS]

This is the life, huh?

A vacation paid for with money

from a
fraternity-scholarship fund.

It doesn't get any
better than this.

It just did.

Here you go, gents.

Compliments of the
girls in the hot tub.

Thank you. Hi there.

Oh, and, uh...

And here you go, miss.

Mm. Uh...

Compliments of some
needy kid's education.

Now, see, that's
my idea of marriage.

A gorgeous girl keeps
me buzzed all the time

while the wife's out of town.

That settles it.

Al Bundy is moving
to Fort Lauderdale.

That's a nice fantasy, Al.
But what about your job?

Well, I'll just get some
other profession. I'll, uh...

Here... Yeah, I'll sell cans.

I'll make more
money selling cans

than I ever made selling shoes.

You couldn't make less.

Hey, guys, I say we
go up to our suite,

slap on a little more Hai Karate

and, uh, join the
babes in the hot tub.

[LAUGHS]

Hai Karate,

the cologne that
chicks just can't resist.

[HOOTS AND HOLLERS]

What's that funky smell?

It smells like geezer.

Hey, you guys,

I'm starting to
get a little nervous

about this pageant tomorrow.

I mean, I've never been in
one that turned out to be real.

Kelly, the key is to
impress the judges.

Okay, first you walk prim
and proper down the runway

to show the judges
that you have class,

and then you shake your
moneymaker to get their votes.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Okay, then what?

Talent.

I suggest how many
licks of a Tootsie Pop

does it take to make
you Miss Spring Break.

[MOANS]

This also works if you're
ever pulled over for speeding.

Then they're gonna ask you

some politically
correct question.

You just answer,

"I want to save the earth
and the ozone layer."

Okay. What's the ozone layer?

It's between the N-zone
and the P-zone layer.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, we've
got to save that.

And the Earth too, 'cause, uh,

once the Earth goes,

the planet's gonna be next.

Oh. There's guys coming.

Oh.

[MEN PANTING]

Well, howdy, folks.

[LAUGHS]

Parley Wayne, at your service.

Hi. My German luxury
sedan has broken down

after running over
one of your state birds...

the possum.

I'll be needing a tow truck.

Well, hell, I'd like
a tow truck too.

I'd also like a new wife
and some more teeth.

Look, ZZ Top...

we have got to get to Florida.

You keep on calling me names

and you just might land there.

Uh, look, uh,

Mr. Wayne...

No, no. Parley Wayne
is my first name.

Last name is Rockefeller.

I had to drop it though.

I, uh, couldn't spell it.

Look, there's... There's
got to be a way out of here.

I mean, a car, bicycle,

horse you're not
dating at the moment.

You know, I do
have a truck for rent.

How much do you want?

A thousand dollars

and, uh, leave the fat boy here.

[CHUCKLES]

That is an outrage.

Yeah, we don't have
a thousand dollars.

Oh, the heck with him.

We'll just walk to
the next mechanic.

Now, where would that be?

Memphis.

BOY 1: You know,

I sure am going to miss Hummer.

BOY 2: Yeah, but
on the bright side,

the back seat will no
longer smell like Sweet Tarts.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

[CHUCKLES]

Well, you might remember
me from Desert Storm.

[CHUCKLES]

I'm former presidential
hopeful, Colin Powell.

I was gonna throw
my support behind you.

Well, you still can.

Jefferson, my life
has never been better.

I already made 3
bucks collecting cans.

The babes don't realize

that while I'm
dancing, I'm working.

[LAUGHS]

We are so cool.

Excuse me, Kelly.

It's okay, Dad.

Pumpkin, what
are you doing here?

I'm in the Miss
Spring Break pageant.

What are you doing here?

I live here.

Hey, Kelly, who are
your dad's friends?

Well, we're Al's good buddies.

I'm Wesley Snipes.

[GIRLS GASP]

And I'm, uh,

Woody Harrelson.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

I loved you guys in
White Men Can't Jump.

Oh, my God, isn't
that George Clooney

star of that hit TV show ER.

[GIRLS SQUEAL]

So, Daddy, are you gonna come
see me in the pageant tomorrow?

No, Kelly, I am not. No
self-respecting can-man

would watch his only
daughter be gawked at

by a bunch of drunken
riffraff for cheap prizes.

It means $100,000 to us, Daddy.

Here, take some cans.
Go buy yourself a bikini.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, man.

You know, if I started
this right out of high school,

imagine how many
cans I'd have by now.

[LAUGHS]

What am I talking
about? I don't need cans.

Once you win this pageant,

I'm not going to be
Can-Man anymore.

I'm going to be
Hundred-Grand Man.

[LAUGHS]

Well, Daddy, I feel good.

I feel strong. I
think I can win.

AL: Right.

Daddy, you gotta do something.
You gotta do something...

Kelly,

we met the cutest lifeguards.

[BOTH GIGGLE]

And they want to
share a keg with us.

Yeah, but only one
'cause we're on duty.

Okay, let's go.

Bye, Daddy.

Hey, how's it going, Can-Man?

[LAUGHS]

Here. Just great.

Jefferson, I'm counting
on you to vote for Kelly.

Oh, yeah, you got my vote, Al.

But there are five judges.

She needs three votes to win.

So who are the judges?

Well, a couple former
pageant winners

and two of my
fraternity brothers,

Wong and DeAngelo.

Well, that's no problem.

We slip them 50
each and Kelly's in.

[LAUGHS]

Al, brothers Wong and DeAngelo

are beyond reproach.

Beyond reproach and
rounding second base.

Jefferson, you've got to
name me and Griff as judges.

Oh, I don't know. The
only way that could happen

is if two of the other judges
became incapacitated.

Yeah, you might
remember me from TV.

I used to play Theo
on The Cosby Show.

I love you.

I used to kiss the TV
whenever you came on.

[SIGHS] [LAUGHS]

Oh, Theo,

I need to talk to
you, alone, right now.

Not now, Al, I'm with
my number-one fan.

This involves 100,000 bucks.

Bye-bye.

Excuse us, gentlemen. Would
you come here a second?

Right this way, pal.

[WONG AND DeANGELO
SCREAMING AND GRUNTING]

[METALLIC CLANGING]

HUMMER: Thanks for
coming back to get me, guys.

BUD: Uh, actually, we
just came back for gas

and you happened to
be there pulling a plow.

Wearing a bridal veil.

HUMMER: It was hot out.

MARCY: Will someone
turn on the radio?

MAN [ON RADIO]: This
is Jim Dixson reporting

from the Miss Spring Break
Pageant, Fort Lauderdale.

I'm with one of the judges.

What is your name, sir?

JEFFERSON: Jefferson D'Arcy.

I'm single and free to mingle.

[TIRES SQUEALING]

Welcome everyone
to the 6th annual

Miss Spring Break Contest.

Sponsored by the new
children's breakfast cereal,

Nothing But Sugar.

Now with Ritalin.

[ALL CHEER AND APPLAUD]

And I'm your MC,
popular rock-TV VJ,

and star of three
busted pilots for Fox

Dangerous Dan Inwood. Ha.

Thank you.

Before we bring out the babes,

let's meet our judges.

Representing RTV are former
Miss Spring Break winners,

Missy Cameron

and Tammy Grindstaff-Burke.

[ALL CHEER]

What was first prize back then,

100 grand worth
of chocolate coins?

[LAUGHS]

Our next judge,

frat-boy extraordinaire:

Mr. Jefferson D'Arcy.

And ladies, he's single.

[ALL CHEER]

Oh, thank you.

Our next judge comes to
us all the way from Taiwan...

Mr. Miyagi Wong.

[LAUGHING]

And our last judge,
from Fire Island,

an organizer of last year's

Gay Prance on Washington,

Carmine "Cha-cha" DeAngelo.

Now, let's meet
our five contestants.

Miss New York, Claudia Harrison.

Miss Atlanta, Scarlett Turner.

Miss Detroit, Marla Strong.

Miss Beverly Hills,
Angela Cohen.

Well, she's got my vote.

Hey! Ow!

Sorry, Al,

it was a moment of weakness.

Uh, how much for a lap dance?

Hey!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

And our final contestant,

Miss Chicago, Kelly Bundy.

[IN UNISON] Go, Kelly.
Go, Kelly. Go, Kelly.

All right.

Let's begin with the
talent competition.

[CYNDI LAUPER'S "GIRLS JUST
WANNA HAVE FUN" PLAYING]

[WOMAN THUDS] [ALL LAUGH]

♪ I woke up In
the morning light ♪

♪ My mother says, "When
you Gonna live your life right?" ♪

♪ Oh, Mother dear We're
not the fortunate ones ♪

[SNEEZES]

[ALL LAUGH]

[SNEEZES]

♪ Girls just wanna have fun ♪

♪ Phone rings in the
middle Of the night ♪

♪ My father yells, "What you
Gonna do with your life?" ♪

♪ Oh, Daddy, dear ♪

Ladies and gentlemen,

may I direct your attention
to the centre stage.

Miss Chicago

will now blow a bubble.

[DRUMROLL]

[ALL CHEER]

MAN: Yes.

MAN: Yes.

And now,

Miss Beverly Hills

will eat a banana.

[♪♪♪]

Maybe she's got a
cute brother, Cha-cha.

[LAUGHS]

[ALL SHOUT]

Okay, ladies, you've
proven yourselves

to be incredibly beautiful

as well as very talented.

So now let's see what
you've got upstairs.

No, no, no. No. No.

No, I mean, uh, let's move

to the question-and-answer
part of the competition.

We'll begin with
you, Miss Detroit.

Now, uh, your question is:

"What would you do
to end world hunger?"

I would tell the hungry
people of the world

to take smaller bites and
chew your food thoroughly.

That way, your
food will last longer.

Now, Miss Chicago,
your question is:

"What world leader
do you most admire?"

I would like to save the earth

and the ozone layer. Thank you.

No. Thank you.

[ALL APPLAUD]

Well, now, let's
keep things bouncing

with the swimsuit competition.

We'll begin with
Miss Beverly Hills.

Vote for me and I'll marry you.

Al, I'm voting for
Angela, my new wife,

and don't try to stop me.

AL: Now, look what
happened to you.

You see what you made me go do?

I didn't wanna do it.

And now,

this year's Miss
Spring Break is...

Kelly Bundy. [SCREAMS]

[SCREAMING]

Yeah. No more cans for me.

From now on, I just pick
up champagne bottles.

[LAUGHS]

And here to present
you with your prize,

TV heartthrob Joey Lawrence.

Whoa.

You know, Joey,
without makeup you...

You kind of look like
my dorky brother, Bud.

[LAUGHING]

I am Bud, you... You
beach-blanket bimbo.

Yeah, you and the,
uh, three slut-kateers

thought you
could just rip us off

and leave us
freezing in Chicago?

Well, yeah.

Yeah, well, think again.

No one plays Bud Bundy
and gets away with it.

Yeah, yeah, whatever.

Could you cry
about this later, Bud?

I'm about to be crowned
Miss Spring Break.

So get off the stage
so I can get my prize.

Okay, sure.

I'd be happy to, but first,

uh, ladies and gentlemen,

I just want to apologize
for taking up your time.

I, Joey Lawrence,

would just like to
congratulate you, Kelly Bundy,

and judges Wong,
DeAngelo and D'Arcy,

otherwise known as her father,

his shoe-selling sidekick

and our soon to be choked
out next-door neighbor.

Is that better, Kel?

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

Well, I guess my brother, uh,

Martin Lawrence is...

Has thanked just
about everybody.

So I guess it's
time for me to, uh,

collect my prize and sing
my coronation song, right?

Okay.

♪ Here I am ♪

♪ Miss Spring Break ♪

♪ Here I am ♪

There they are. Let's get 'em.

Yeah.

Mr. Bundy, you're being
charged with fraud and assault.

Would you like a lawyer?

Do you know any that take cans?

[♪♪♪]