Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 10, Episode 19 - Spring Break: Part 1 - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

Well, frat bros,

tomorrow we leave
for spring break

in Fort Lauderdale

and we show the babes
what kind of men we really are.

Hey, come on, guys.

Work with me here, all right?

This is our big chance to score.

Now, the ratio of girls to
guys at spring break is 6-to-1.

But that's the same ratio of
girls to guys at our college.

We don't score there.



Well, that's because
those girls know us already.

See, these girls will
be total strangers,

and they'll be really drunk.

You are the coolest guy we know.

You have had live sex six times.

You must lead us.

And lead you I
will, Achmed. Okay.

We got plane tickets.

We got hotel reservations.

Yeah. Yeah.

Have we got protection?

Hummer, what... What is this?

It's my sister's diaphragm.

Ew.



You said to bring protection.

I wasn't talking about
that kind of protection.

[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

Ahem.

What do we have here?

Who goes, "Bud"?

Who goes, "Weis"?

Who goes, "Er"?

You large-breasted girls
think you are so smart.

Guess where we're
going for spring break.

Eunuch school?

Gymboree?

The petting zoo in your pants?

[ALL LAUGHING]

Yeah, you wish.

No, we are flying
to Fort Lauderdale.

And staying in one very cool
hotel room overlooking the beach

where large-breasted girls
will be arching their backs

to make their breasts
seem even larger.

We will be thinking of you

when we are rubbing
oil on large breasts.

Yeah, maybe Hummer's.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Ha. At least mine are real.

[ALL SHOUTING]

Hey! Hey!

Come on, guys, come on.

Let's go down to the basement

and plan our
babe-scoring strategies.

I'll bring my diaphragm.

Yeah, yeah. Cool, man. Let's go.

You touch... Don't touch...
Don't even come near me. No.

This is so unfair.

We should be at
spring break, not them.

I mean, we're gorgeous,
and they're, like, gargoyles.

The problem is, how
do we get to spring break

when everything's booked,
and we don't have money?

Yeah, well that didn't stop
us from going to Vegas.

Or the Arkansas
Governor's Mansion.

I guess that was just me.

Well, we know
what we have to do.

We just gotta figure out
who we're gonna do it with.

ALL: Ew!

It's your move, Griff.

You know what's really
gonna make this game better

is when we learn how to play.

Maybe.

Maybe not.

Hit me.

You didn't say, "Simon says."

[SHOUTS]

Quick. I need something
I can wear with a bikini.

Well, that would be me.

Something in black
that goes with a bikini.

That would be me.

Uh, miss,

I'm not complaining or anything,

but isn't it a little cold
to be wearing a bikini?

Oh, it's not for here.

We're going to Fort
Lauderdale for spring break.

Help yourselves
to shoes, ladies.

We've also got a lot in back.

As do you girls.

Do you take checks?

Checks, cash, kisses.

[LAUGHS BOYISHLY]

Oh, spring break.

It must be a beautiful
sight, huh, Al?

How would I know?

My whole life's
been nuclear winter.

Only way I know it's spring
is when the snow melts

and I see my garbage
on Marcy's lawn.

Thank you. Thanks for your help.

Thank you so much.

Thank you, girls. Bye.

Thank you. Bye-bye.

Thank you. Bye. Bye-bye.

Have a wonderful vacation.

Bye-bye.

[SIGHS]

[SIGHING]

Why haven't we ever
been to spring break, Al?

Because we, in
our infinite wisdom,

got married right
after high school.

Junior high.

Think of all the
things we missed

by getting married early.

Yeah. Chasing women,

getting drunk and
vomiting every night.

Eating Vienna
sausages out of the can,

over the sink, in the
dark, in your underwear.

What were we thinking?

[SIGHS]

Your turn to roll the dice.

Gee, Hummer,

this couch is so small,

and your lap is so big.

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

Is there anyplace
on it for little old me?

[STUTTERING INDISTINCTLY]

If it's all the same to you,

I'll... I'll just sit to the
right of the mustard.

Oh.

[SIGHS]

You know, it's such a
shame, us hitting it off like this

and you having to go away

for a whole week
to Fort Lauderdale.

I-I don't have to go.

Oh, could you move
a little bit to the right?

I think my Pop
Rocks are going off.

Huh.

Mm.

[SIGHS]

Well, we just have one
teensy-weensy little problem.

My boyfriend just hates it
when I sleep with other guys.

Hm.

Is that your Pop Rocks again?

No, that's me.

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

[SIGHS]

Oh, if only I could
send my boyfriend

away somewhere for a week.

You know, somewhere
where there's lots of girls

so he won't miss me.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

What? Fort Lauderdale, you say?

[SIGHS]

What a wonderful idea.
And... And you have a ticket.

Huh.

Oh!

Okay, meet me here
tomorrow at 4:00.

[WHIMPERS]

And don't tell anyone.

I won't.

It'll be our little secret.

So... So, Ashley,

you really wanna spend
spring break with me

down in my basement?

Nothing turns me
on more than a guy

who lives in his
parents' basement.

I-I knew it would pay off.

But first I have to get

my insanely jealous
boyfriend out of town.

I'll kill that sucker.

No. No.

Because if you did,

then I'd have to take
time away from us

to wear black
panties to his funeral,

and you know how I
hate to wear panties, Bud.

Hey, I have an idea.

Please do be sending your
boyfriend to Fort Lauderdale.

He could use $500
for new clothes.

Okay, guys, let's hit it.

Oh, wait a second.

I almost forgot, uh...

You guys go on ahead. I
have to stay back and, uh,

feed the dog.

LUCKY: You, sir, are a liar.

And I have to go...

to the bathroom,
for a very long time.

Okay, guys,

I'll level with you.

I'm not going to spring break.

No, I'm gonna stay
back here with Ashley.

And I'm gonna have
more sex with her

than anyone has
ever had with anyone

since the beginning of time.

That's where you're wrong,
Bud. Cause me and your sister

are gonna have more
sex and curly fries

than anyone ever.

No, no. Me and Mindy are gonna
run up the all-time high score.

[GASPS]

You must all leave.

At any minute, Fawn
is meeting me here

with her large, anxious breasts.

Wait a second. Wait a second.

So we're all getting
some right here in town?

[LAUGHS] What are the odds?

The girls should
be here any minute.

Any minute now.

Yeah. Whoo!

KELLY: Oh, my God.

Ah, this is the
life, huh, girls?

ALL: Uh-huh.

How come we never went
to spring break before?

Because we never
went to college.

Oh, yeah.

Ah.

Gracias, hidalgo.

Mm.

You know what, girls?

The only thing that would
make this trip any better

is if we could see
the looks on the faces

of Bud and those dust-heads
when they find out where we are.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Any minute now.

Hi, girls.

Say, we're on live TV,

might wanna put
those tops back on.

You might wanna put
those bottoms on too.

[LAUGHING]

And you with the glasses?

You might wanna
get off the beach.

You probably recognize me.

I'm Dangerous Dan Inwood.

Ha!

Rock, uh, TV VJ Dan Inwood.

I was on General
Hospital two days last fall.

Zipper mishap?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

You were so funny.

[LAUGHING]

Thanks.

I'm sure girls have
heard that Rock TV

and Phi Alpha Delta Fraternity

are sponsoring the big
Miss Spring-Break Contest.

Oh, well, we're just here from
Chicago to have a good time

and maybe wreck a home or two.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, you girls
are from Chicago?

We need a contestant
from Chicago.

MINDY: Oh, my gosh.

Call it in the air.

Uh... It's a coin. You win.

Oh, my God!

Kelly, you're so lucky.

It was right on the
tip of my tongue.

Kelly? May I call you
Kelly? Good. I will.

Kelly, this is an
exciting opportunity.

Yeah, well, I don't
know about this.

I... See, I consider
myself an actress.

Now, I don't know if
I could go parading

around a bunch of strangers
I haven't slept with yet.

[LAUGHS]

First prize is a hundred
thou and a car, Kel.

I'm there.

[GIRLS CHEERING]

MAN [ON RADIO]: The snow and
ice storm that knocked out power

over much of Chicago yesterday
continues to paralyze the city.

Luckily, schools are
closed for spring break

and most employees
have the day off.

So just about
everyone is at home

warm and toasty, huddled
around a roaring fire.

♪ Oh, in the still ♪
[HUMMING]

♪ Of the night ♪

♪ Oh, I held you ♪

[HUMMING]

♪ Held you tight ♪

♪ In the still Of the night ♪

♪ In the still Of the ni-ight ♪

Better throw another
clog on the fire, will you?

Ho!

[RINGS]

I thought we burned that phone.

No, don't you remember?
We tried. It wouldn't burn.

Hello... Oh, hello, Peg.

PEG [ON PHONE]:
Al, is it cold there?

It's as cold as your
feet on my back, Peg.

Where are you?

Oh, I'm in New
Orleans at Mardi gras.

It's really warm here.

Is your dad there, Peg?

Well, how would I know?

There's 10,000 people here,
and they're all wearing masks.

So the only one who should
be isn't. Goodbye, Peg.

[DIAL TONE DRONING]

Why is everyone in a
warm climate but us?

Oh, come on, Al.
Not everybody is.

Hey, guys.

[LAUGHING]

Well, I'm off to spring
break in Fort Lauderdale.

Why do you get to
go to spring break?

Yeah, you're not
a college student.

You're not a big-breasted blond.

God knows, you're
not married to one.

No, no, but I do know
one when I see one.

Which is why I'm
needed in Fort Lauderdale

on official frat business.

I'll, uh... I'll be judging
a beauty contest.

What's Marcy say about that?

She said, "Have fun
at computer camp."

I told her I'd be job training.

So if... If you see her,
you'll cover for me, right?

Not a chance.

Come on, Al. This
is spring break.

You guys know
what that's like, huh?

Well, actually, Jefferson, no.

No, we don't know.

Neither one of us has ever been.

Oh, this is really, truly sad.

Warm yourself by
the fire, Jefferson.

Tell us what it's like.

Well,

imagine yourselves
in a tropical paradise.

The palm trees swaying,

the trade winds softly caressing
the hair of the gorgeous babes

bouncing up and down
in their micro-bikinis,

an ice-cold brewski
in your hand,

and everywhere you look

there are nude sunbathers.

And that's before you
even leave the airport.

BOTH: Wow.

I wish we could go.

Well, what's stopping you?

Nothing.

Oh, well, you will
need some cash.

We got cash.

We got cash from that
sale we made yesterday.

Good thing we
didn't change clothes.

[ALL LAUGHING]

[ELECTRIC BEEPING]

[BEEPING SLOWS AND STOPS]

[BEEPING]

Hey, they're not coming.

Then I guess I should
take off my condom.

I believe it is the bad weather

that is preventing
the girls from arriving.

Hey, wake up and smell
the Slim Jims, Achmed.

They're not coming.

They never intended to.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[CRIES OUT]

It's a woman!

Uh...

Guys. Guys. Hey,
guys. Please, back off.

It's only Mrs. D'Arcy. Come on.

[CHUCKLING] Boys.

Reminds me of my college days.

What are you doing
here, Mrs. D'Arcy?

Well, your mother
called from a float

somewhere on Bourbon Street

to ask me to make sure your
VCR was set to tape Oprah,

because you were gonna
be in Fort Lauderdale.

But you're not. What happened?

Well we kind of got
taken by some girls.

We're not really sure how.

We gave them our tickets
and now they're not here.

MAN [ON TV]: And now,
live from Fort Lauderdale,

the Spring Break Dance Marathon.

All proceeds will be donated

to CBS to pay
Bill Cosby's salary.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

BARNEY: That's our girls!

ACHMED: They're having our fun.

HUMMER: We could be
dancing with those guys.

Don't feel too badly.

Girls like that are just
cheap one-night stands.

You all should
be developing full,

trusting relationships.

Like I have with my Jefferson.

Who even now is
away at computer camp

trying to better himself.

Uh, Mrs. D'Arcy?

Road trip!

Destination: Fort Lauderdale.

Wait...

Goal: swift and
terrible revenge.

But it is a blizzard outside
and all the roads are closed.

I drive a Benz, and I'm pissed.

Come, my geeks.

Revenge will be ours!

[♪♪♪]