Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 10, Episode 18 - The Agony and the Extra C - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

WOMAN [ON PA]:
Dr. David, telephone.

[DOCTORS CHATTERING]

Bad news, Mr. D'Arcy.

I'm afraid we're
gonna have to operate.

You do have insurance,
don't you? Yes.

Well, then we will
be using anesthesia.

And how are we
today, Mr. O'Malley?

My heart hurts.

Good, good.

Tack on another grand
for the consultation.



Thank you.

Hey!

God, they think they can
get away with anything

just because they changed
their first name to doctor.

Man, when you lose your looks...

[SIGHS]

Hi, Mr. D'Arcy.

Wow, you look, uh...

You look great.

Remind me on the way home
to pick up a black dress, okay?

Kelly...

Oh. Ha-ha-ha.

Hey, Mr. D'Arcy. You look great.

Well, compared to that guy.



Hey, you guys.

Thanks for coming by.

Where's, uh... Where's your dad

and the rest of my buddies?

Oh, they wanted to come,

but there was an emergency.

I thought they said
there was a game on.

There was an emergency game.

It just broke out.

But they, uh... They
did send some candy.

Oh, where is it?

It... It melted on
the way over here.

Yeah, in our stomachs.

[LAUGHS]

Later, man. See you.

Hey!

Don't you guys want
to know how I got here?

Oh. You promised we
wouldn't have to talk to him.

It all started on the day

of my anniversary.

Al and the guys were having

a special NO MA'AM
breakfast meeting.

Oh, Froot Loops and beer,

the breakfast of champions.

Don't you know that breakfast

is the most important
meal of the day?

So just Fruit Loops for you?

[CHUCKLES]

No. Just beer.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Focus!

Focus, gentlemen, focus.

We are here on an
important mission.

To save our brother D'Arcy

from the fire-breathing,
lipless beak of his wife

on the day when all married men

need their friends the most:

Their wedding anniversary.

Brother Dan,

has code name KFC
flown the coop yet?

No, but she's headed
for the living room.

Let's hope there's a man left

to rescue after
Marcy's done with him.

Ah, don't be ridiculous.

Jefferson may look like a
pretty boy, but he's all man.

WOMAN [ON TV]: Oh, Lance,

how I've longed for you.

Don't do it, Lance.

She's really your sister.

MARCY: Jefferson!

Did you make me coffee?

Yes, dear.

Uh...

Oh, a, uh... A
3:00 job interview?

[LAUGHS]

Fine.

[PHONE RINGING]

Could you hold on?
I got another call.

Give me that.

You know what day it is today?

Today?

Heh. Of course, it's your...

It's my...

It's our?

It's our...

What could we possibly
have in common?

It's our anniversary, you
soap-addicted wastrel.

Oh, Marcy, I...

I was gonna surprise you,
but now you've ruined it. I...

Don't talk. Just listen.

I'll go to work. [WHISPERS] Yes!

Then I'll come home.

I'll set the table,

I'll cook the dinner,

and tonight in bed,
I'll even do all the work.

All you have to
do is look pretty,

smell nice,

and stay away from Al

and those NO MA'AM idiots.

Marcy, why can't I play with Al?

It's my anniversary too.

Look, I am tired of
spending my anniversary

bailing you out of jail.

Now, you just shower and shave

and be here when
I get home at 7.

[LAUGHS]

Jefferson.

Hey, hey, hey.

[LAUGHS]

Look, no, I know why
you guys are here,

and whatever it is, I
just can't do it, okay?

I promised Marcy
I would stay home

and there's nothing you can say

that will make me go
back on that promise.

But it's foreign-exchange
day at the Jiggly Room.

Featuring hooters
from our sister city,

Chihuahua, Mexico.

Hey, why aren't
you guys at work?

ALL: We're sick. Oh.

Except for me. I'm working.

MAN [ON RADIO]: The
mayor has been taken hostage.

All available units...

Blah, blah, blah.

Come on, let's go
to the nudie bar.

[MEN CHEERING] No, no, no.

Look, I just... I can't do it,

it's my anniversary.

Well, we know that.
That's our gift to you.

Yeah. And guess who
the featured dancer is.

Miss Sierra Madre.

Sixty-three triple-K.

[YELPS]

Come on, Jefferson.

It's just us, some liquor,

and a bunch of
Mexican strippers.

What could happen?

Well, you put it that way, okay.

Hey, hey, but I
have to be back by 7.

Well, that only
gives us nine hours.

Arriba!

ALL: Arriba!

[ALL CHEERING]

So the point is, they
practically forced me to go.

Hey, where are you guys going?

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Well, that was
such a good ending,

we thought you were finished.

Oh, heck, no.

I was just getting started.

Nurse, I need a
Q-Tip and a hammer.

Just, uh, pinch that tube,

he'll fall right asleep.

[KELLY CHUCKLES]

Cool. Ha-ha-ha.

So I went with Al and the guys

to the nudie bar with
only the best of intentions.

Each and every one of us

was a perfect gentleman.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, baby.

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHING]

Ha-ha! Hey, I'm
a Village Person.

[MEN CHEERING]

Mr. D'Arcy,

should I continue to
charge the lap dances

on your wife's credit card?

Sure, it's her anniversary too.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, and, uh, have
one yourself, Iqbal.

One thousand thank yous.

And dollars.

Jefferson, you told me
to tell you when it's 6:00.

Thanks, Al. When is it?

Uh, about a half-hour ago.

Ooh. I gotta get home.

I was about to take you there.

[CLUCKING]

Oh, yeah, right.

I gotta get to my
home away from here.

[LAUGHS]

I still... I still have to
get a present for, uh...

For... Uh, what day is it?

All Chicken's Eve?

[LAUGHS]

Yeah. No.

Marcy's birth-a-versary.

Oh, man, what am I gonna do?

All right. Everybody,
huddle up, huddle up.

All right, fellas,

when one of us is in
need, what do we do?

Try to help him
out and in so doing

we make things worse.

Exactly. But now
we need to think of

an anniversary
present. Any ideas?

Hey, you know, uh,

lingerie is always nice.

This is for Jefferson's wife?

Oh, yeah...

Al, what do you get
Peggy for your anniversary?

Well, it depends on the year.

The first year is paper,

so I put a big bag
over her head.

[LAUGHS]

I can't wait for the
plastic anniversary.

[ALL LAUGH] Me either.

I just had a thought.

ALL: What?

Why don't you get a tattoo?

I had my boyfriend's
name tattooed on me

for his birthday.

Oh, let me see.

DAN: I don't see no tattoo.

SIERRA: Oh, no?

It's right here.

[MEN GASP AND LAUGH]

JEFFERSON: Oh, my God!

Oh, man, I'd love
to be her boyfriend.

I'd love to be her
boyfriend's name.

All right, fellas,
break. Break it up.

Jefferson, you gotta
get one of those.

Oh, I don't know, Al.

It's hard enough that
Marcy has to support me.

Having another mouth to feed...

Not the girl, you beer nut!

I'm talking about a tattoo.

Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, what
could be more romantic

than having a woman's name

etched into your arm by an
accomplished body illustrator?

Is there... Is there a
tattoo artist in the house?

Harris, of course.

This is your lucky
day, Jefferson.

Harris can do this for you.

[MEN CHEERING]

Shake it, baby, shake it!

[MEN CHEERING]

Well, Jefferson, how did it go?

Great. I got my tattoo

and Harris passed
out right after,

so I didn't even
have to pay him.

[MEN LAUGH]

Let's see it. Let's
see it. Come on, now.

You want to see it?
Let's see it, come on.

There's nothing there.

Okay.

That's blank, man.

Um, maybe I didn't get a tattoo.

Oh, man.

[SCREAMS]

I got one.

All right, Jefferson, drop trou.

Hang two. Here we go, come on.

Oh, man, Marcy's
going to love this.

Uh, I don't know, Jefferson.

I think he left out the C.

[LAUGHS]

What are you talking about?

I hate to tell you
this, buddy, but, uh,

you might be married to Marcy,

but, uh,

your ass says "I love Mary."

So the tattoo on my butt

said "I love M-A-R-Y."

So, what's the problem?
M-A-R-Y, Marcy.

There's a C in Marcy.

M-A-R-Y-C?

Oh. Oh, yeah.

The C is silent, right.

That's it. I'm gone.

[EKG FLATLINING]

Shouldn't we do something?

Yeah, you're absolutely right.

Let me see it.

So there I was with "Mary"

tattooed on my rump

and Harris was too drunk
to repair the damage.

And I had to get home to Marcy.

Well, then Al said if I
could stall Marcy for a while,

maybe he could come
up with a good plan.

And he almost did.

♪ Gonna get some hot stuff ♪

♪ Baby, this evening ♪

♪ I need some hot stuff ♪

♪ Baby, tonight ♪

Honey, come on!

Dinner is served.

Jefferson,

sweetheart, exactly how many

pairs of pants are you wearing?

Exactly three.

Why?

Well, because, uh,

the third anniversary

is the pants anniversary.

It's our fifth.

Oh, well, I'm also wearing
two pairs of underwear.

What is going on?

All right, Marcy, I'll...

I'll be honest with you.

I was looking
forward to a little game

of strip poker later and, uh,

I intend to win.

[GIGGLES]

In that case, let's
just skip dinner

and shuffle the cards.

Oh, baby, you're trembling.

Come on, take me on the
veal scaloppini right now.

Hang on. No. No.

No, not after you've

gone to all this trouble.

[SIGHS]

There you go, Mary.

What did you call me?

Oh, uh...

Mary.

It... It's my secret
little pet name for you.

[CHUCKLES]

I mean... I mean,
Marcy's gotta be long

for something like Mary.

Ha-ha. I hate the name Mary.

Now sit down and eat.

Ah, I, uh... I think
I'll eat standing.

Why?

Because...

I find the top of your
head so beautiful.

That and the name Mary are
my two favorite things about you.

Jefferson, sit.

Yes, dear.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Mm.

Honey. Hm?

Why are you down there?

Because...

I worship you.

Jefferson, eat your dinner now.

Save your knees for later.

Yes, dear.

[GROANS]

Ow, ow, ow.

Oh, wow, wow, wow.

This looks great.

Hurry up and eat your dinner

because afterwards
we can go upstairs

and have dessert.

Heh.

Oh, boy.

Jefferson, enough.

Bed, now.

Marcy, it's healthy
to chew every bite

of food 2500 times.

One. Two.

Look... Three.

I am going upstairs
to get ready.

When I come back down,

I want you out of food

and out of your pants.

All of them.

[GROANS]

Al, how's it coming?

Fine, fine. We're...
We're almost ready.

Call back in a few minutes.

No. That doesn't
look like a C either!

Hey, he's been
trying for three hours.

There isn't much room left.

We're gonna have to
shave that other cheek.

Come on, Harris.

For God's sake, just make a C.

How tough can it be?

I need a shot.

I'll give you a shot.

[PHONE RINGS]

PEG [ON PHONE]: Al, is that you?

[WHINES]

Al, I'm in Paris.

Everyone here is
so rude and smelly

I'm just thinking
about you all the time.

[LUCKY PANTS OVER PHONE]

Oh, Al, I know you
think about me too.

I wish I could see
your face right now.

[LUCKY BARKS] Oh,
stop barking at me.

I know you're
upset about the cost

of me taking the
Concorde over here

but I'm hot on Dad's trail.

PEG: Yeah, he was spotted
at a Jerry Lewis film festival.

Bad dog!

That doesn't look like a C.

Lay off, will you?

C is a tough letter.

When your blood has
more alcohol than plasma,

they're all tough letters.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello. Yeah, Jefferson,
come on over.

He's as ready as he's gonna be.

Hold it, partner.

Going somewhere?

Me?

[IN TEXAS ACCENT] No, ma'am.

Say, I got an idea.

To, uh... To
enhance the pleasure

why don't you go up and
hide somewhere real sexy

and I'll count while you hide,

and when I find you,

oh, baby...

[GIGGLES]

One.

[MARCY GIGGLING]

So then what happened?

Well, I made it over

to your dad's house,

and Harris repaired the tattoo,

and Marcy finally got
her anniversary present.

Well, so if the
tattoo was fixed,

then why do you
need surgery now?

[SIGHS]

Take a look.

Oh, old-guy butt.

"I love Marty"?

So I guess you're here to
have that thing removed, huh?

Well, yeah, that

and, uh, the other thing.

What other thing?

[♪♪♪]