Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 10, Episode 17 - Calendar Girl - full transcript
Al wants to beat the rival shoe shop owner, Babcock, in something and puts his faith in Bud who's in the same entrepreneurial studies class in Trumaine than Little Floyd, Babcock's son. ...
[♪♪♪]
Griff, what's with all
the stampeding women?
Well, either Enoch the janitor's
dancing bottomless again...
or Babcock Shoes is
having another sale.
Ah, I don't get it.
I've been working
in the same mall
with Babcock for 20 years.
What does his shoe store
have that this one doesn't?
Do you have any black pumps?
Nope, never carry 'em.
Then I'm going to Babcock's.
Why does Floyd's
business do better?
You know, Griff, I
think it's location.
I doubt it.
Babcock's is between
World of Carbuncles
and House of Floss.
Well, whatever it is,
just once I'd like to beat him.
Griff, I'm gonna have
to do something crafty.
Well, maybe you could
slip him a stick of dynamite
cleverly disguised
as a Cuban cigar.
[LAUGHS] You idiot.
Where am I gonna
get a Cuban cigar?
Griff, is it me or is there
the smell of Old Spice
and bacon in the air?
Hello, Babcock.
Bundy, glad you're here.
Though, if you weren't,
sales might improve.
[BOTH LAUGH]
It's so busy at my
store that my son here,
Little Floyd, can't study.
If you're looking
for peace and quiet,
don't take him home
where the Chicago Bulls
are practicing
lay-ups with your wife.
[SARCASTICALLY] Ooh, ow.
An adultery joke.
You see, Bundy,
that doesn't work
on a guy with two
beautiful mistresses.
You didn't hear that.
Yes, Dad.
Come on, Babcock. You
didn't bring your boy...
Who suspiciously looks
like Dennis Rodman.
You didn't bring him
down here just to study.
You're right. This is
more of a life lesson.
You see, my son,
Little Floyd,
and your son,
Little Nobody,
are in the same Entrepreneurial
Studies class at Trumaine.
And we both have to
come up with a product
and a marketing campaign.
And you brought Little
Dweeb-o here to the mall...
to see how real businesses work.
Yes, and to your store
to see how they don't work.
So you see, son,
when you create your
marketing product,
what are you not going to do?
[LAUGHS]
Don't worry, Bundy,
you'll beat me at
something someday.
Maybe.
[LAUGHS] Just kidding.
Your wife's uglier than my wife.
Oh, good one, Al.
[SNAPS] That's it.
If I can't beat
Babcock in business,
I'll beat him where it hurts.
In the nads?
Close.
His son.
Great.
I'll keep the car running
while you hit that little guy
with a bag of oranges.
That's what they
expect me to do.
No. I'll get my revenge
when Bud beats Little Floyd
in his marketing project.
Bud's product,
whatever it is,
will be pure genius.
And now,
the Bundy hands-free
page-turner.
This is what you're
planning on marketing?
I don't know why I let you
put yourself through college.
Son, don't you understand?
This project is very important.
Dad, I didn't know you cared
so much about my education.
Well, I don't.
This is about me
and Floyd Babcock.
See, I've never been able
to beat him in business.
Yeah, so order some nice shoes
and have a sale.
Why would I work that
hard when I have you?
See, Bud, his son and you
are in the same class.
Now, all you have to do
is get a higher grade
than him on this project
and I'll have my revenge.
See, this is exactly why
I didn't play little league.
No, son, you didn't
play little league,
because you threw like a girl.
What sells in the '90s
is the same thing that has sold
since the beginning of time.
What, shoes?
That's why we're living
here in the lap of luxury.
Bud, I'm talking about sex.
So, what, you want
me to become a pimp?
No, you'd have to be able
to protect your girls for that.
[PHONE RINGS]
Well, what then, Dad?
Why do I have to
think of everything?
You're supposed
to be the smart one.
[PHONE RINGS]
Hello.
PEG: Hi, Al.
Peg?
Yeah, it's me.
I'm just on my
way out to find Dad.
Well, w-w-w...?
When did you leave?
PEG: Yesterday.
Well, no wonder the
sex was good last night.
Oh, but don't worry, Al,
I'll be home just as
soon as I find Dad.
And believe me,
I am leaving no stone unturned.
Where are you?
Well, I just left Tiffany's.
You wouldn't believe how
big some of their stones are.
You ought to see some of mine.
I just felt a big one
leave my kidneys and
head for my urinary tract.
Now, look, Peg,
don't go using this
trip as an excuse
to spend all my money.
Al, I am trying to save
my parents' marriage.
This is not about you
and your stupid money.
Now, look, I gotta go.
I'll call you later.
That was Mom? Yeah.
Yeah, she left us.
Mom's gone? Yeah.
Was it something I did?
I don't know.
Maybe.
But, look, Bud, the
important thing is,
that you come up with a
good idea for this project.
One that'll beat Little Floyd.
Son, you're my last chance.
My children are my only hope.
[DOOR OPENS]
Hey, you guys.
My new calendar came in.
"The Buns of Usc."
[LAUGHS]
Looks like it's just
down to you, son.
Oh, my God, look at these buns.
Oh, I knew I should
have gone to usc.
[SIGHS]
Kelly,
I think you just imbeciled
onto a great idea.
What, sending me to usc?
No. Making a calendar
like this for Trumaine.
You wanna make a
calendar of men's butts?
No, no, no, I'm talking
about doing a calendar
of the girls of Trumaine.
See, all I'll need is a camera
and 12 beautiful women.
Well, let's see.
You have your
Lieutenant Uhura doll.
Barbie.
Isis.
Strawberry Shortcake.
Oh, and, uh, that
little pink sock
you put on your
hand and call Missy.
Yeah, go ahead
and scoff now, Kel.
But I'm telling you, if
I put out a casting call
and say I'm making
movies for HBO,
beautiful women will come.
Oh, yes, they will come.
Oh, cool.
Page-turner for my calendar.
[NEIL SEDAKA'S
"CALENDAR GIRL" PLAYS]
♪ I love, I love, I love
My calendar girl ♪
♪ Yeah, sweet calendar girl ♪
♪ I love, I love, I love
My calendar girl ♪
♪ Each and every
day Of the year ♪
[SHUTTER CLICKING]
♪ I love, I love, I love ♪
♪ My calendar girl ♪
♪ Yeah, sweet calendar girl ♪
♪ I love, I love, I love
My calendar girl ♪
♪ Each and every
day Of the year ♪
That... That was great.
That was the best
shoot of the day.
Thanks, Bud.
I was a little nervous about
doing this at first because,
well, all my friends say
you're a perverted horndog.
But you're really not.
Mm, well, thanks.
By the way, did you...?
Did you drop your contact
lens on the floor there?
I thought I... Oh.
[CAMERA CLICKING]
MAN: Hey, Bud.
Move, you're blocking my shot.
[CLICKING CONTINUES]
GRIFF: It's okay, Jefferson.
I've got her covered from here.
GRIFF: Oh, man.
Hold it right there.
[CAMERAS CLICKING]
[BOTH EXCLAIM]
Uh, well, I believe that we
now have photographed
the back of every shoebox
in Chicago.
Just as we intended.
For that coffee-table book
of shoebox backs.
Well, uh, to the Fotomat.
[WHISPERS] Run.
What is it?
Al, I'm trying to
run a business.
But you wouldn't know
anything about that.
Yeah, like I wouldn't
know about you
trying on women's
shoes after closing.
You didn't hear that.
Babcock, I just brought you here
to show my genius son
and what his class project is.
It's the calendar of
the girls of Trumaine.
She's Miss November.
FLOYD: It's not bad, Bundy.
But I'm sure my
son can top that.
What's your
project, Little Floyd?
Okay.
I've invented a printer
that is simultaneously
compatible
with both IBMs and Macintoshes.
It'll revolutionize the
computer industry.
You win, Bundy.
How dare you take
my name, Little Floyd?
From this moment forth,
I shall refer to
you only as Little.
That's funny, that's
how Mom refers to you.
You didn't hear that.
Damned if I didn't.
Hey, I just
remembered something.
I don't wear contact lenses.
I'll see you in Astrophysics
tomorrow, Bud.
Ooh, I'll be right behind you.
[CAMERAS CLICKING]
You guys think she's great?
I've got Crystal Clark
to be on the cover
of my calendar.
You got Crystal Clark?
Uh, who's Crystal Clark?
Right here.
Al, I've got an idea.
Divorce our wives
and move to Saudi Arabia
so we can both marry Crystal?
No.
[LAUGHS] Yes.
But first, I propose we talk
to a publisher friend of mine.
We can take this
calendar national,
make ourselves a fortune.
But we still marry Crystal?
Oh, sure, sure.
Well, how-how much
are you willing to invest?
Ten thou.
Great. I'll throw in 10 too.
So we'll have $20,000.
Uh, no, we'll have, uh,
we'll have $10,010.
Oh, it was my son Bud's idea.
I want half.
Forget it. Look, Bundy,
I'm taking all the risk.
I mean, what if this is
a touched-up picture?
Hi, Crystal. Hi, Bud.
Well, I'm touched.
And I'm up.
Let's go fax this
to the publisher.
So are you, uh,
ready for your
photo shoot? Sure.
Who were those two drooling
geezers with Little Floyd?
Those... Those were our fathers.
That was, uh...
That was Big Floyd and Big...
Void.
Hey, Crystal,
remember how I said
this was gonna
be a class project?
Well, I've got great news.
We are going national.
Oh.
Oh?
I mean, this is gonna
be sold coast-to-coast
and all you can say is, "Oh"?
I can also say I'm sorry, Bud,
I can't pose for your
calendar anymore.
What do you mean
she doesn't wanna do it?
Don't you know how much money
I've got riding
on this calendar?
Oh, yeah, I know.
You had $10, Dad.
That's beside the point.
Don't you realize how many
hundreds of thousands of dollars
that $10 was going to earn?
Oh, oh, and you were gonna share
how much of that money with me?
Again we deviate from the point.
Look, Dad, I got
her to come over.
I'll talk her into it, okay?
You better,
or I'm cutting
you out of the will.
Wait a minute,
that's no punishment.
I'm putting you in the will.
Ha! You'll owe millions.
Hi, Dad.
Kelly, I don't get it.
Why would Crystal not wanna be
in a national calendar?
I mean, if someone asked me
to pose in Speedos, I'd do it.
Gee, Bud, thanks for the visual.
Kelly, please help me.
Crystal's gonna
be here any second
and I have no idea how
I'm gonna convince her
to be in my calendar.
Well, why don't you
try being sincere?
What, you mean, like,
like, completely honest?
Well, that goes against
everything I stand for.
That'd almost be
like talking to a guy.
Well, that's exactly
how she'll feel.
[LAUGHS] [DOORBELL RINGS]
Anyway, I'm gonna go upstairs
and finish reading my
calendar of the buns of ucla.
Hey, Bud. You wanted to see me?
Yeah, Crystal.
Uh, I wanted to
be sincere with you
about this calendar
and what it means to me.
Okay.
[SIGHS]
Uh,
Crystal...
I don't talk about
my brother much.
But, well, uh,
Judd and I, uh...
We were... We were
born Siamese twins.
We shared everything.
Well, we had to.
And then... Then
came that awful day
when we had to go
our separate ways.
I went to school and...
And Judd went into a Mason jar.
We don't expect
him to live very long.
I mean, he's not much more
than an eye and a foot
and some hair.
But you see,
I made him this solemn promise,
that I would make him a calendar
of the best damn
good-looking girls at Trumaine.
So, Crystal, if...
If you can't do this for me,
just do it for that little...
Little lost boy
in the Mason jar.
What do you say?
Okay.
The truth is,
I really need you to
pose for this calendar
because without
you, it's nothing.
I'm sorry, Bud.
I just can't pose for
a national calendar.
I mean, what if my
parents saw me?
Yeah, but it's not like
you're gonna be
nude or anything.
Well, what would I be wearing?
This.
That?
Yeah, yeah,
it's... It's a large.
I'm sorry, Bud, I just
can't. You don't understand.
Oh, Crystal, please, please.
Look, you've got
nothing to be ashamed of.
I mean, you got a great body.
And don't worry about
what your parents think.
I mean, parents
love their children
no matter what they do.
AL: Damn you, Kelly!
You ate my last Hershey's Kiss!
You're in the will!
KELLY: No, Dad, no!
Crystal, please.
You are the most beautiful woman
I've ever seen.
And I'm not just
talking on the outside.
I mean, you should be
proud of who you are.
You know, maybe
doing this calendar
isn't such a bad idea after all.
I'll let my parents know
I've finally become a woman.
[GIGGLES]
Thank you, Bud.
You don't know how
much this means to me.
And you don't know how
much that meant to me.
Yes.
Oh, man.
Is Crystal wearing
really, really short
cutoff jeans
or does she just have
stonewashed skin?
It doesn't matter.
Hey, Floyd, next time,
let's do the 12 months
of Crystal calendar.
All Crystal, all the time.
I think I can dig
up about 5 bucks.
Dad, guess what.
I got an A+ on my project.
I knew you wouldn't
let me down, son.
How'd you do, Little Floyd?
I got an A.
Come on over here, son.
Not you.
Our son,
mine and Al's.
[ALL LAUGH]
Hey, guess what.
There's more great news.
Crystal's going on Chicago Live
to publicize the calendar.
Floyd, can you say:
Ca-ching!
Oh, I'm telling you, Dads,
she is so hot,
I think I'm gonna
ask her out tonight.
You can marry her
with me and Floyd
for all I care.
As long as she keeps
making these calendars,
she's family.
Hey. Hey, guys, be quiet.
Chicago Live is on.
Now, Crystal,
what made you decide
to do a calendar like this?
A wonderful man named Bud Bundy.
With his kind words,
he convinced me
that I have nothing
to be ashamed of.
And, uh, he's quite the kisser.
Yes!
Everyone knows I
kissed her. I am a god.
HOST: Now, Crystal,
you said there's something
you wanted to tell the world
live on our show.
She's gonna propose to me.
I do.
Yes.
It's time for my family
and the rest of the world
to see the person I've become.
Bud Bundy has made
me proud to be a woman
who was born a man.
[LAUGHS] Ha!
[STATIC]
Griff, what's with all
the stampeding women?
Well, either Enoch the janitor's
dancing bottomless again...
or Babcock Shoes is
having another sale.
Ah, I don't get it.
I've been working
in the same mall
with Babcock for 20 years.
What does his shoe store
have that this one doesn't?
Do you have any black pumps?
Nope, never carry 'em.
Then I'm going to Babcock's.
Why does Floyd's
business do better?
You know, Griff, I
think it's location.
I doubt it.
Babcock's is between
World of Carbuncles
and House of Floss.
Well, whatever it is,
just once I'd like to beat him.
Griff, I'm gonna have
to do something crafty.
Well, maybe you could
slip him a stick of dynamite
cleverly disguised
as a Cuban cigar.
[LAUGHS] You idiot.
Where am I gonna
get a Cuban cigar?
Griff, is it me or is there
the smell of Old Spice
and bacon in the air?
Hello, Babcock.
Bundy, glad you're here.
Though, if you weren't,
sales might improve.
[BOTH LAUGH]
It's so busy at my
store that my son here,
Little Floyd, can't study.
If you're looking
for peace and quiet,
don't take him home
where the Chicago Bulls
are practicing
lay-ups with your wife.
[SARCASTICALLY] Ooh, ow.
An adultery joke.
You see, Bundy,
that doesn't work
on a guy with two
beautiful mistresses.
You didn't hear that.
Yes, Dad.
Come on, Babcock. You
didn't bring your boy...
Who suspiciously looks
like Dennis Rodman.
You didn't bring him
down here just to study.
You're right. This is
more of a life lesson.
You see, my son,
Little Floyd,
and your son,
Little Nobody,
are in the same Entrepreneurial
Studies class at Trumaine.
And we both have to
come up with a product
and a marketing campaign.
And you brought Little
Dweeb-o here to the mall...
to see how real businesses work.
Yes, and to your store
to see how they don't work.
So you see, son,
when you create your
marketing product,
what are you not going to do?
[LAUGHS]
Don't worry, Bundy,
you'll beat me at
something someday.
Maybe.
[LAUGHS] Just kidding.
Your wife's uglier than my wife.
Oh, good one, Al.
[SNAPS] That's it.
If I can't beat
Babcock in business,
I'll beat him where it hurts.
In the nads?
Close.
His son.
Great.
I'll keep the car running
while you hit that little guy
with a bag of oranges.
That's what they
expect me to do.
No. I'll get my revenge
when Bud beats Little Floyd
in his marketing project.
Bud's product,
whatever it is,
will be pure genius.
And now,
the Bundy hands-free
page-turner.
This is what you're
planning on marketing?
I don't know why I let you
put yourself through college.
Son, don't you understand?
This project is very important.
Dad, I didn't know you cared
so much about my education.
Well, I don't.
This is about me
and Floyd Babcock.
See, I've never been able
to beat him in business.
Yeah, so order some nice shoes
and have a sale.
Why would I work that
hard when I have you?
See, Bud, his son and you
are in the same class.
Now, all you have to do
is get a higher grade
than him on this project
and I'll have my revenge.
See, this is exactly why
I didn't play little league.
No, son, you didn't
play little league,
because you threw like a girl.
What sells in the '90s
is the same thing that has sold
since the beginning of time.
What, shoes?
That's why we're living
here in the lap of luxury.
Bud, I'm talking about sex.
So, what, you want
me to become a pimp?
No, you'd have to be able
to protect your girls for that.
[PHONE RINGS]
Well, what then, Dad?
Why do I have to
think of everything?
You're supposed
to be the smart one.
[PHONE RINGS]
Hello.
PEG: Hi, Al.
Peg?
Yeah, it's me.
I'm just on my
way out to find Dad.
Well, w-w-w...?
When did you leave?
PEG: Yesterday.
Well, no wonder the
sex was good last night.
Oh, but don't worry, Al,
I'll be home just as
soon as I find Dad.
And believe me,
I am leaving no stone unturned.
Where are you?
Well, I just left Tiffany's.
You wouldn't believe how
big some of their stones are.
You ought to see some of mine.
I just felt a big one
leave my kidneys and
head for my urinary tract.
Now, look, Peg,
don't go using this
trip as an excuse
to spend all my money.
Al, I am trying to save
my parents' marriage.
This is not about you
and your stupid money.
Now, look, I gotta go.
I'll call you later.
That was Mom? Yeah.
Yeah, she left us.
Mom's gone? Yeah.
Was it something I did?
I don't know.
Maybe.
But, look, Bud, the
important thing is,
that you come up with a
good idea for this project.
One that'll beat Little Floyd.
Son, you're my last chance.
My children are my only hope.
[DOOR OPENS]
Hey, you guys.
My new calendar came in.
"The Buns of Usc."
[LAUGHS]
Looks like it's just
down to you, son.
Oh, my God, look at these buns.
Oh, I knew I should
have gone to usc.
[SIGHS]
Kelly,
I think you just imbeciled
onto a great idea.
What, sending me to usc?
No. Making a calendar
like this for Trumaine.
You wanna make a
calendar of men's butts?
No, no, no, I'm talking
about doing a calendar
of the girls of Trumaine.
See, all I'll need is a camera
and 12 beautiful women.
Well, let's see.
You have your
Lieutenant Uhura doll.
Barbie.
Isis.
Strawberry Shortcake.
Oh, and, uh, that
little pink sock
you put on your
hand and call Missy.
Yeah, go ahead
and scoff now, Kel.
But I'm telling you, if
I put out a casting call
and say I'm making
movies for HBO,
beautiful women will come.
Oh, yes, they will come.
Oh, cool.
Page-turner for my calendar.
[NEIL SEDAKA'S
"CALENDAR GIRL" PLAYS]
♪ I love, I love, I love
My calendar girl ♪
♪ Yeah, sweet calendar girl ♪
♪ I love, I love, I love
My calendar girl ♪
♪ Each and every
day Of the year ♪
[SHUTTER CLICKING]
♪ I love, I love, I love ♪
♪ My calendar girl ♪
♪ Yeah, sweet calendar girl ♪
♪ I love, I love, I love
My calendar girl ♪
♪ Each and every
day Of the year ♪
That... That was great.
That was the best
shoot of the day.
Thanks, Bud.
I was a little nervous about
doing this at first because,
well, all my friends say
you're a perverted horndog.
But you're really not.
Mm, well, thanks.
By the way, did you...?
Did you drop your contact
lens on the floor there?
I thought I... Oh.
[CAMERA CLICKING]
MAN: Hey, Bud.
Move, you're blocking my shot.
[CLICKING CONTINUES]
GRIFF: It's okay, Jefferson.
I've got her covered from here.
GRIFF: Oh, man.
Hold it right there.
[CAMERAS CLICKING]
[BOTH EXCLAIM]
Uh, well, I believe that we
now have photographed
the back of every shoebox
in Chicago.
Just as we intended.
For that coffee-table book
of shoebox backs.
Well, uh, to the Fotomat.
[WHISPERS] Run.
What is it?
Al, I'm trying to
run a business.
But you wouldn't know
anything about that.
Yeah, like I wouldn't
know about you
trying on women's
shoes after closing.
You didn't hear that.
Babcock, I just brought you here
to show my genius son
and what his class project is.
It's the calendar of
the girls of Trumaine.
She's Miss November.
FLOYD: It's not bad, Bundy.
But I'm sure my
son can top that.
What's your
project, Little Floyd?
Okay.
I've invented a printer
that is simultaneously
compatible
with both IBMs and Macintoshes.
It'll revolutionize the
computer industry.
You win, Bundy.
How dare you take
my name, Little Floyd?
From this moment forth,
I shall refer to
you only as Little.
That's funny, that's
how Mom refers to you.
You didn't hear that.
Damned if I didn't.
Hey, I just
remembered something.
I don't wear contact lenses.
I'll see you in Astrophysics
tomorrow, Bud.
Ooh, I'll be right behind you.
[CAMERAS CLICKING]
You guys think she's great?
I've got Crystal Clark
to be on the cover
of my calendar.
You got Crystal Clark?
Uh, who's Crystal Clark?
Right here.
Al, I've got an idea.
Divorce our wives
and move to Saudi Arabia
so we can both marry Crystal?
No.
[LAUGHS] Yes.
But first, I propose we talk
to a publisher friend of mine.
We can take this
calendar national,
make ourselves a fortune.
But we still marry Crystal?
Oh, sure, sure.
Well, how-how much
are you willing to invest?
Ten thou.
Great. I'll throw in 10 too.
So we'll have $20,000.
Uh, no, we'll have, uh,
we'll have $10,010.
Oh, it was my son Bud's idea.
I want half.
Forget it. Look, Bundy,
I'm taking all the risk.
I mean, what if this is
a touched-up picture?
Hi, Crystal. Hi, Bud.
Well, I'm touched.
And I'm up.
Let's go fax this
to the publisher.
So are you, uh,
ready for your
photo shoot? Sure.
Who were those two drooling
geezers with Little Floyd?
Those... Those were our fathers.
That was, uh...
That was Big Floyd and Big...
Void.
Hey, Crystal,
remember how I said
this was gonna
be a class project?
Well, I've got great news.
We are going national.
Oh.
Oh?
I mean, this is gonna
be sold coast-to-coast
and all you can say is, "Oh"?
I can also say I'm sorry, Bud,
I can't pose for your
calendar anymore.
What do you mean
she doesn't wanna do it?
Don't you know how much money
I've got riding
on this calendar?
Oh, yeah, I know.
You had $10, Dad.
That's beside the point.
Don't you realize how many
hundreds of thousands of dollars
that $10 was going to earn?
Oh, oh, and you were gonna share
how much of that money with me?
Again we deviate from the point.
Look, Dad, I got
her to come over.
I'll talk her into it, okay?
You better,
or I'm cutting
you out of the will.
Wait a minute,
that's no punishment.
I'm putting you in the will.
Ha! You'll owe millions.
Hi, Dad.
Kelly, I don't get it.
Why would Crystal not wanna be
in a national calendar?
I mean, if someone asked me
to pose in Speedos, I'd do it.
Gee, Bud, thanks for the visual.
Kelly, please help me.
Crystal's gonna
be here any second
and I have no idea how
I'm gonna convince her
to be in my calendar.
Well, why don't you
try being sincere?
What, you mean, like,
like, completely honest?
Well, that goes against
everything I stand for.
That'd almost be
like talking to a guy.
Well, that's exactly
how she'll feel.
[LAUGHS] [DOORBELL RINGS]
Anyway, I'm gonna go upstairs
and finish reading my
calendar of the buns of ucla.
Hey, Bud. You wanted to see me?
Yeah, Crystal.
Uh, I wanted to
be sincere with you
about this calendar
and what it means to me.
Okay.
[SIGHS]
Uh,
Crystal...
I don't talk about
my brother much.
But, well, uh,
Judd and I, uh...
We were... We were
born Siamese twins.
We shared everything.
Well, we had to.
And then... Then
came that awful day
when we had to go
our separate ways.
I went to school and...
And Judd went into a Mason jar.
We don't expect
him to live very long.
I mean, he's not much more
than an eye and a foot
and some hair.
But you see,
I made him this solemn promise,
that I would make him a calendar
of the best damn
good-looking girls at Trumaine.
So, Crystal, if...
If you can't do this for me,
just do it for that little...
Little lost boy
in the Mason jar.
What do you say?
Okay.
The truth is,
I really need you to
pose for this calendar
because without
you, it's nothing.
I'm sorry, Bud.
I just can't pose for
a national calendar.
I mean, what if my
parents saw me?
Yeah, but it's not like
you're gonna be
nude or anything.
Well, what would I be wearing?
This.
That?
Yeah, yeah,
it's... It's a large.
I'm sorry, Bud, I just
can't. You don't understand.
Oh, Crystal, please, please.
Look, you've got
nothing to be ashamed of.
I mean, you got a great body.
And don't worry about
what your parents think.
I mean, parents
love their children
no matter what they do.
AL: Damn you, Kelly!
You ate my last Hershey's Kiss!
You're in the will!
KELLY: No, Dad, no!
Crystal, please.
You are the most beautiful woman
I've ever seen.
And I'm not just
talking on the outside.
I mean, you should be
proud of who you are.
You know, maybe
doing this calendar
isn't such a bad idea after all.
I'll let my parents know
I've finally become a woman.
[GIGGLES]
Thank you, Bud.
You don't know how
much this means to me.
And you don't know how
much that meant to me.
Yes.
Oh, man.
Is Crystal wearing
really, really short
cutoff jeans
or does she just have
stonewashed skin?
It doesn't matter.
Hey, Floyd, next time,
let's do the 12 months
of Crystal calendar.
All Crystal, all the time.
I think I can dig
up about 5 bucks.
Dad, guess what.
I got an A+ on my project.
I knew you wouldn't
let me down, son.
How'd you do, Little Floyd?
I got an A.
Come on over here, son.
Not you.
Our son,
mine and Al's.
[ALL LAUGH]
Hey, guess what.
There's more great news.
Crystal's going on Chicago Live
to publicize the calendar.
Floyd, can you say:
Ca-ching!
Oh, I'm telling you, Dads,
she is so hot,
I think I'm gonna
ask her out tonight.
You can marry her
with me and Floyd
for all I care.
As long as she keeps
making these calendars,
she's family.
Hey. Hey, guys, be quiet.
Chicago Live is on.
Now, Crystal,
what made you decide
to do a calendar like this?
A wonderful man named Bud Bundy.
With his kind words,
he convinced me
that I have nothing
to be ashamed of.
And, uh, he's quite the kisser.
Yes!
Everyone knows I
kissed her. I am a god.
HOST: Now, Crystal,
you said there's something
you wanted to tell the world
live on our show.
She's gonna propose to me.
I do.
Yes.
It's time for my family
and the rest of the world
to see the person I've become.
Bud Bundy has made
me proud to be a woman
who was born a man.
[LAUGHS] Ha!
[STATIC]