Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 10, Episode 16 - The Hood, the Bud & the Kelly: Part 2 - full transcript

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LUCKY: Previously on
Married With Children:

The only time I got petted

was when we were out
of towels in the bathroom.

Also, Al got a satellite dish

and tried to install it himself.

AL: Watch it, now!

That the nut doesn't
fall far from his father,

Bud decided to make an
exercise video starring Kelly.

Raphael is the only star.

Well, if I am not the
star, then I am walking.



However, Bud's
biggest problem is

he'd borrowed money from
a little man named Capone,

who left a big man named Gino

to see that the
video is done by 5.

Yo, Gino!

And now, back to The
Adventures of Lucky:

The Hungriest Dog in the World.

Or as you humans call
it, Married With Children.

Remember, Bud, 5:00.

Look, uh, Gino,

let's say I don't
make the, um...

Cutoff point?

Look, let's just say...

What happens if I don't
finish the video on time?



I mean, uh, Vito said
there was some kind

of easy-payment plan?

It is easy. You don't
pay us, we kill you.

It don't get no
easier than that.

What do you got in there?

Vito said I had until
5. It's not 5:00 yet.

No! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!

Take it easy, Spiel-bug.

I'm just checking my e-mail.

Oh, gee, a PowerBook?

I never thought computers
were for, you know...

Big, dumb thugs?

See, um, we use computers now

because the family is
very much into recycling.

Oh, well, you mean, like,
uh, glass, papers, cans?

No. Body parts.

Say, for a
hypothetical, it's 5:00,

Vito walks in, you got no tape.

So I look up in my PowerBook

and see that Jim in
Jersey needs a spleen.

So we recycle
your spleen into Jim.

Problem, solution.

Can I live without a spleen?

Perhaps, but little Joey in
New Haven needs a brain.

Kelly, Raphael, it's showtime!

Hi, Officer Dan. Break a leg.

Ante up.

Peggy, thank you so
much for having us over

to watch our husbands
fall off the roof.

Yeah, my Dan does so
little work around the house,

I never get to see
him step on a nail

or accidentally shoot himself
cleaning his gun, or anything.

Well, at least you get to
see your husband's gun.

[ALL LAUGH]

Okay, girls, now it's time
to play Who's Next to Fall,

where we will bet on
which husband will fall next.

And where they'll land.

I'll take Al on the patio.

Bring a book.

Oh, oh, I'll take Bob
Rooney on the birdbath.

Give me Ike on the garden rake.

Okay, I'll take
Officer Dan on Ike.

[IKE SCREAMING]

Ike got the garden
rake. We have a winner!

[ALL CHEER]

[DAN SCREAMING]

Officer Dan on Ike.
We have two winners!

[ALL CHEER]

IKE: Maybe I should just paint

a target on my
back the next time.

[ALL ARGUING INDISTINCTLY]

Hey, gentlemen,
gentlemen, gentlemen.

Now we've all hit the
ground at least twice.

Well, I haven't.

Well, get... [SCREAMS]

[LOUD THUD] [ALL LAUGH]

Now you have.

[LAUGHING] All
right. All right, now.

Now that we've got
that out of our systems,

no more fooling around.

All right, all right.
Let's see here.

I got bracket S and washer T.

Uh, hey, Dan, hand me screw U.

What?

I said, screw U.

Up yours, you... Oh, yeah?

Hey, focus, gentlemen!
Focus, focus.

Now, we've all got a job to do.

Ah, well, I guess
Al won't be needing

this old antenna anymore.

Hey, wait, you
can't tear that down.

This is the home
of a future baby bird.

[CHUCKLES]

The only future for this
baby is in an omelette for me.

You're making a big
mistake, Bob Rooney.

You touch an egg,

that makes the
mama bird really mad.

Well, I don't see no
mama bird around.

Maybe not,

but there's a B-52 with a beak.

[WINGS FLAPPING] [LOUD SQUAWK]

[SCREAMS]

BOB ROONEY: Hey!
Hey! Put me down!

Let me go!

Wow.

Who would have thought
a bird could lift Bob Rooney

70 feet in the air?

Well, she won't make 100.

[LOUD SQUAWK]

[SCREAMING]

Ooh, it's Bob Rooney on Griff!

Daily double!

[RINGS BELL]

Do you have "Mortal
Kombat" in there?

Are you kidding? I got the
highest score in the Mob.

[ALL LAUGH]

Uh, Gino, good news.

I can kill you now?

No, I meant good news for me.

I patched things up
between Kelly and Raphael.

How? Wel, I did what any

respectable director would do.

I lied to them and offered
them points in the film.

Net? Of course.

[ALL LAUGHING]

BUD: Oh...

Okay, guys.

Uh, if we're ready, everybody
on their opening marks.

Places, babes.

Okay, let's cue the music.

Who brought the music?

I did.

Raphael did.

This isn't a problem.

I'm gonna listen to them
both and choose the best one.

If you don't use my
music, then I am walking.

If you don't use Raphael's
music, he is walking.

And do not try to stop us.

Oh, God!

Bud, I got good news.

You're gonna see Paris.

You're gonna... Gonna
send me to Paris?

No, just your eyes.

[CACKLES]

Look, guys, we
said we'd give it a try.

Raphael, I promised you
your name would come first...

when I report him to the INS.

And, Kelly, I
promised you a star

on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

Right next to Garfield, right?

[GIGGLING]

Okay.

Raphael will do it,
but he will not smile.

Okay. I will do
it and I will smile.

But when I am facing Raphael,

I am going to stick
out my tongue like this.

Okay, okay. Now,
that we're all adults,

can we please start this
damn exercise video?

Kelly, you won the toss,

we'll open the number
with your music.

Okay, okay? Ready, and...

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING OVER STEREO]

Cut! Cut! Cut!

[SHUTS MUSIC OFF]

Raphael.

What's the matter?

Raphael is much man.

He cannot work
out to this noise.

He would much rather give
CPR to Rosie O'Donnell.

Fine. Then let's see what
you have, munch man.

That is much man.

Not from here.

Okay, okay, okay. Fine.

Let's just dance to
Raphael's music, okay?

Ready. Five, six, seven, eight.

[LATIN DANCE MUSIC
PLAYING OVER STEREO]

All right, stop the music!

Cut!

[MUSIC SHUTS OFF]

Now what?

Is it just me

or does anybody else here
feel like sneaking into Canada

under the cover of darkness?

That is it.

We are walking.

So are Kelly.

[DOORS SLAM]

Good teeth, Bud.

I like that in a dead guy.

Hey, Gino... GINO: Yo.

How's the kid doing?

Well, he's not that
talented, Bebe,

but he's got a lot of heart.

That's good, because I got a
guy in Chattanooga that needs one.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Gino, you'll never guess
what me and Vito did.

You're gonna love this.

Guys, can we just...? Can
we just please work together

and... And... And
decide on a song?

I mean, we're talking
about something

even more valuable
than your pride.

My life.

Raphael would rather have
you die a thousand deaths

before he dances
to her trashy music.

Oh, yeah? Well, I would rather
have him die a million deaths

before I dance to your
coochie-hoochie music.

And Raphael would
rather beat him to death

with his very own hands...
Oh, yeah? I'd rather...

Thank you, thank you!

Look, before my internal organs

absolutely, positively
have to be there overnight,

I just wanna say, I
hate you both. Okay?

Kelly, you want to dance
to your music? Fine.

Dance to your music.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

And, Raphael, you can
dance to your music. Here.

[LATIN DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

Okay. Okay, guys,
you can kill me now.

But just... Just do
me one favor, okay?

Please tell me where to stand

so the bullet goes
through them too.

Not a problem.

It'll be a pleasure.

Hey, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

These musics
sound good together.

I could dance to this.

Raphael could dance
to this musics too.

Hold it. Hold the killing.

They're dancing.

BOTH: Damn.

[ROCK AND LATIN DANCE MUSIC
PLAYING SIMULTANEOUSLY]

I can't believe those idiots

still haven't got that
satellite working.

And look at this reception.

The more they try,
the worse it gets.

Just like in bed.

[LAUGHS]

Let's face it, girls,

they are never gonna
get that dish hooked up.

Man, this satellite
dish is great.

Look at all these
different channels.

There's the wrestling channel.

There's the
oil-wrestling channel.

The mud-wrestling channel.

The violence channel.
[ALL CHUCKLE]

And best of all,
no wife channel.

No wife!

The wives don't even realize
we've got the dish hooked up.

[ALL SNICKERING]

What a bunch of fools,

living down there
inside the house.

[ALL CACKLE]

Hey... Hey, you know,
Captain Kirk was wrong.

The final frontier isn't
space. It's the roof.

All those years lying on
my back staring at the ceiling

just praying my
misery would go away...

how could I know that
my little bit of heaven

was a mere 10 feet
above my head?

PEG: How's it coming, Al?

Oh, about five minutes, Peg.

[ALL SNICKERING]

[SCREAMS]

[LOUD THUD]

[MUSIC WRAPS UP] And cut it.

[KELLY SIGHS]

[LAUGHING] Oh,
that was beautiful.

Great job, Kelly.

Great job, Raphy baby.

I just love you babes.

Listen, when the, uh... The dim
blond and El Boy-o Loco leave,

you guys stick around and
we'll make us a real movie.

ALL: Ooh!

[ALL GIGGLE]

All right, that's a wrap.

Except for you chicks,
who will soon be unwrapped.

Oh! Oh!

Excuse me, but Raphael
never leaves a shoot

until he is certain the director
has featured his good buttock.

Whoa, there,
stomach, settle down.

Well, since we
finished an hour early,

I guess we have time to
replay my masterpiece.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Let's check it out.

[MUSIC PLAYING OVER MONITOR]

Oh, man.

Uh, Hitchcock,

if you have a free hand,

would you mind
rewinding the tape

so that we can see me dancing?

Or Raphael dancing.

[TAPE REWINDS]

Gino, you'll never guess
what me and Vito did.

You're gonna love this.

You remember Alderman Harris?

The guy that
stiffed us for 20 G's?

Well, you know
what our motto is.

He who stiffs us becomes one.

[BOTH SNICKER]

So Vito sends his
kidneys to Texas.

He killed him?

Not yet.

[BOTH CACKLE]

Uh, Bud, I'm starting
to get the feeling

that these guys may
be, uh, you know...

huh?

What, really annoying?

No. Mobsters.

Wise guys.

Jolly goodfellas.

Do you think, Kel?

If they find out we
have this on tape,

they will kill Raphael
in such a way

that he cannot have
an open-casket funeral.

Now, listen, we got one hour.

All we have to do is edit
out the incriminating stuff

before Vito gets here
and there's no problem.

Okay.

Hey, Bud.

Now there's a problem.

I know I'm a little early, but I
couldn't wait to see the tape.

Here, give me.

Uh. I would but...

Um...

Raphael, tell him why
we can't give him the tape.

Oh, well, you see, because...

Kelly, why don't you tell them
why we can't give the tape?

Because we recorded
all that stuff about you

sending that guy's
kidneys to Texas.

What?

Way to throw
them off track, Kel.

Do them.

And when you're
done, Bebe, do yourself.

Can do, boss.

Wait, wait, wait. Look,
look, Mr. Capone.

Please, look, I can understand
you wanting to kill us,

but please spare my sister.

She's... She's harmless.

I mean, she could
never identify you.

She can't even grasp the
concept of up and down.

Down yours, Bud.

Sorry, kid, but as
they say in Hollywood,

you'll never work
in this town again.

Or any town.

Hold it, Capone! Police.

Put your guns down and
your hands against the wall.

Frisk them, Farrah.

You got it, Kate.

Come on, Jaclyn.

[GIGGLING]

I'd thank you, but, uh,
it's not proper for stars

to associate with
background dancers.

Well...

Where could you have possibly
concealed those weapons?

I mean, I touched you all over.

Hm! We know. That's
why you're going to jail.

Soon you, too, will
be touched all over.

Oh, wait, wait! No!

Ow! Ow...! Ow!

Ooh... Ooh! Ow!

GRIFF: Good neighbor.
Good neighbor.

[ALL GIGGLING]

ALL: Oh... Oh... Aw.

All right, lights out.

[ALL SCOFF] Watch the news.

REPORTER [OVER
TV]: And in local news,

three organized crime figures,

whose names have been
withheld to protect their privacy,

were convicted of
murder and racketeering,

fined $10 and given 50
hours of community service.

In a related crime story,

video director Bud
Franklin Bundy,

whose home address is
available upon request,

was the first man to be given
a life sentence under the new

"one strike and you're
out" sexual-harassment law.

Don't worry.

I have corrupt friends downtown.

Let's go get him out.

AL: Let's go. [ALL GROAN]

Hey...! Hey, wait, guys!

I see hooters.

ALL [CHANTING]:
Hooters, hooters, hooters,

hooters, hooters, hooters!

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