Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 10, Episode 15 - The Hood, the Bud & the Kelly: Part 1 - full transcript

Al buys a satellite dish from a discount store and he and Jefferson insist on installing it themselves. Bud is turned down for a loan at every bank in Chicago and borrows money from Vito, a...

[♪♪♪]

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]

God, I love the girl
in this commercial.

She almost makes me wanna try
those feminine hygiene products.

Why don't you start with a
masculine hygiene product?

Like soap.

I just love the way
she cartwheels

up and down the
beach in that bikini.

Now, that's bouncing.

I mean, that's, uh...
That's... That's acting.

Do you notice
anything else about her?



Well, yeah, the product works.

She's not cranky.

But why should she be?

Her agent is out
getting her jobs,

while my agent is sitting here

lusting after girls
in commercials.

Hey, I'm doing research, babe.

Then won't you be needing
your blow-up assistant? Heh.

Look, Bud. Either you
start getting me better parts,

or I'm gonna find somebody
else who can, okay?

[SCOFFS]

You can't threaten me.

Hey, what do you think? You
think you're my only client?

LUCKY: Perhaps now
isn't the best time to mention



I've left him for the
William Morris Agency.

Al, even though it only
happens once every 10 years,

I don't know why you
insist on dragging me along

when you buy new underwear.

Well, you're the one
that's got to look at 'em

when you wash 'em.

I don't look at 'em
and I don't wash 'em.

I just dry 'em.

But I thought you
liked to go shopping.

Well, I do. But for me.

And you promised we'd
be home in time for Oprah.

Oh, and look.

We missed the opening
shot of the audience.

Well, you better hurry, Peg.

You're a box and a
half of bonbons behind.

You know how we could
avoid all these problems?

Heartfelt handshake,
we go our separate ways?

No. A satellite dish.

Fine, satellite dish, we
go our separate ways.

Al, don't you get it?

If we had a satellite dish,

then I could watch Oprah

on East Coast or
West Coast time,

and I wouldn't be a slave to
this Central Time schedule.

So you can fit Oprah
into your busy schedule

of loaf, nibble, snore,

watch, castrate husband,

loaf, loaf, snore.

I knew you'd see it my way.

Peg, we got over 200
stations on this cable thing now,

and all you do all
day is watch TV.

If we had the satellite dish,

you'd watch TV
all day and all night.

Let's do it, Peg.

You know, Ariel, when I saw
you doing cartwheels in that bikini,

I said to myself:

"Now, there is a girl with
an enormous pair of talents

"that could use, uh...

Could use better
representation."

Do you really think so?

Oh, my God. They talk.

I mean... I mean,
yeah. That's...

That's why I brought
you over here.

You see, I think it's time

you signed with a
successful agent,

who could send your
career to that next level.

It's tempting,

but if you're so successful,

why is your office in
your parents' house?

I cut down on overhead.

See, that way, I can
plow all my profits

back to where they should go:

gifts for you.

Bud, you seem so
honest and sincere.

What do you say we set
up a trial arrangement,

see how things go, and
seal the deal with some sex?

See... See, what
I had in mind...

What?

Now, are you sure you're good?

Oh, baby, you're gonna
know in about two minutes.

Bud, you are the worst
agent in the entire world

and the state of Chicago.

Uh, Kelly?

How could you send me out
on a Depends commercial?

You told me that
it was for lingerie.

It is.

It's lingerie that

absorbs accidents.

Bud, you are fired.

I'm gonna find
myself a real agent.

I wonder who
represents Pocahontas.

She's in everything.

So where were we?

You were about to
go to the refrigerator

to get some ice.

Ooh. Ice. What for?

Your black eye.

You just... You just ruined

the best two
minutes of your life.

[DOOR SHUTS]

Boy, is he a train to nowhere.

Peggy,

I can't believe...

you convinced Al to spend
$700 on a satellite dish,

when he won't even shell
out 3 bucks for deodorant.

Well, in Al's defense,
unlike deodorant,

there's actually a shot
he might use the satellite.

Ooh, Marcy, look at this.

Look at all the Oprah specials
you can get on satellite.

The Making of Oprah.

Baking With Oprah.

The Pre-Oprah Show-prah.

[CHUCKLES]

Hey, Peg.

Peg.

I was on my way
to the store, I said:

"What am I gonna spend $700 for

"on a thing I can get for $23.95

at Crazy Achmed's?"

And Achmed throws in all
the roasted goat you can eat.

[CHUCKLES]

No dinner for me tonight, Peg.

Yeah, like you were
gonna get some.

[CHUCKLES]

Back at you, Peg.

Are you sure that's the
same quality satellite

as everyone else is selling?

That's why they call him crazy.

Well, that, and because
he also sells plutonium.

Actually, I don't care
where you bought it,

as long as the installer
hooks it up in time for

Andrew Lloyd Webber's
Phantom of the Oprah.

That's the other
great news, Peg.

Achmed convinced you that
even a shoe salesman can install it?

He didn't have to.

It says that right
here on the box.

Well, I'm gonna go
set up the ladder.

I'm gonna set up the funeral.

AL: Hey! Hey!

Hey, man!

[PEG AND MARCY LAUGHING]

What are you two laughing about?

You don't think
we can get it up?

Scoff all you want, Peg,

but in five minutes,
when I install this dish,

then you'll be nagging

out of the other side
of that couch, Peg.

Five minutes, Peg.

Jefferson, here we go.

JEFFERSON: All right.
Come on. Come on.

This is gonna be so much
fun. I feel like a kid at Christmas.

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah, well, get ready
to open your present.

Five,

four,

three...

AL: Watch it, Jefferson!

[LAUGHING]

A little early. Yeah.

AL: Five minutes, Peg.

JEFFERSON: Al, I'm slipping!

[BOTH GRUNT]

[LAUGHING]

[JEFFERSON GRUNTS, LAUGHS]

Well, we did it. We did it.

You actually installed the dish?

No, we actually opened the box.

Yeah, we showed
those five heavy staples

not to mess with real men.

What's Dumber doing?

Ah, he's up there
laying the pieces out.

Is that such a good
idea on a pitched roof?

Marcy, I'm sure Al
knows what he's doing.

Hey, Al! Is everything
okay up there?

AL: Never better. Watch it.

See what I...?

AL: Jefferson? Jefferson, I heard
a shattering sound. Did the...?

Did the dish break?

No. That was my skull!

Good. Walk it off and
Frisbee the dish back up here.

[GRUNTS]

[AL YELPS, GRUNTS]

Sorry, Al.

Mr. D'Arcy, I need some advice.

Kelly fired me as her agent,

I'll gonna have to go out
there and get a real job.

This is an emergency.

[AL YELPS]

AL: Ah! I'm slipping,
Jefferson. Help me, buddy.

Look, Bud, today's
agent succeeds

by ripping off what's hot.

So you got to create
your own project

and hire Kelly to star in it.

AL [WHIMPERS]: Help me. Help me.

Create my own project.
Now, that's a good idea.

But, uh, what kind of...?
What kind of projects?

AL: Jefferson. Jefferson.
I can't feel your hands.

Well, let me think.
Something, uh...

Something sexy,
something sleazy.

AL: Help me.
Something I would buy.

Hey, hey, hey.
I got it, I got it.

A workout video full
of gorgeous babes,

you know, jumping up and down.

A workout video? That's perfect.

I'll have Kelly do
an exercise video.

[AL GROANS]

That'd work. Yeah,
that would work.

AL: Jefferson. Jefferson.

[SPEAKING INAUDIBLY]

AL: I'm hanging by my chin here!

[SPEAKING INAUDIBLY]

All right. I'm gonna
go to the bank

right now and get a loan.

Thanks so much, Mr. D'Arcy.

Hey, if I'm one thing,

I am always there
for my friends.

[AL YELPS]

[♪♪♪]

[LAUGHING]

♪ Money, money, money ♪

♪ Love that money
Money, money, money ♪

♪ Love that money ♪

[LAUGHING]

♪ Love that money
Money, money, money ♪

♪ Love that money ♪

♪ Money, money, money ♪

♪ Love that money ♪

♪ Money, money, money ♪

♪ Love that money
Money, money, money ♪

♪ Love that money ♪

♪ Money, money,
money Love that money ♪

So, what are Shemp
and Curly doing now?

They're measuring the roof.

JEFFERSON: Okay, Al,
I've got the end of the tape.

Now, how far to the edge?

AL: Four feet. Five feet.

[SCREAMS] Six feet!

JEFFERSON: Five and a half feet.

[CHUCKLING]

JEFFERSON: Where are you, Al?

I'm right here, Jefferson.

[JEFFERSON YELPS]

Five more minutes, Al?

At the outside, Peg.

Now, listen. We're about to
put up the electrical wiring.

So whatever you do,
do not watch the TV.

Don't turn it on, Peg.

[LADDER CLANGS]

Okay, Al.

I can't believe it.

Every single bank in
Chicago turned me down.

So my faxes got through.

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

[SCREAMING]

[LAUGHING]

The guy on TV
looks j-just like Dad.

Except this guy's on fire.

Oh, that's cool.

MAN [ON TV]: And now
a word from our sponsor.

I'm Vito Capone. No relation.

If you're a worthless bum

who's been turned down
by every bank in town,

then catch the bus

or have your mommy drive
you down to Moneyland.

We turn down no
one, so come on by.

We're conveniently located
in the trunk of my car.

So call 1-800-HORSEHEAD.

Horsehead.

Well, Bud, like so many
women have told you before,

I have found somebody better.

I'm signing with a new agent.

He represents the
Bay City Rollers,

Milli Vanilli,

the entire Buttafuoco family.

Except Joey.

Oh, that's too bad, Kel.

Just when I needed someone
to be in my new workout video

that I'm producing
and directing.

Who, oh, who will I
ever get to star in it?

Ooh, ooh. Me, me,
me. Please, me, me.

Oh, but, dash it all, I don't
represent you anymore.

I could re-sign.

[GIGGLES]

Kel, you have made
an excellent decision.

As your agent, I will work hard,

because opportunities like
this just don't drop out of the sky.

Okay. [AL SCREAMS]

Hi, Mr. Bundy.

Hey, babes.

Is it, uh...? Is it cool
in here or is it me?

Hm.

It's me. Heh.

It's definitely you.

[SCOFFS]

What are these
people doing here?

Kelly, they're
background dancercisers.

Okay.

Thanks for the gift, Mr. Bundy.

No one's ever given me
panties filled with potpourri before.

[CHUCKLES]

Where did you find 'em?

In the lingerie department at...

Oh, not the panties, you idiot.

The girls.

Hey, they found me.

When word got out there was

a Bud Bundy-Moneyland
co-production,

they just came a-running.

Yeah, but, uh, I'm
still the star, right?

Would your agent lie to you?

[ITALIAN ACCENT]
Hello, Mr. Director.

I'm ready for my video.

What is he talking about?

You did an excellent
job casting women

who will look
longingly at my buttocks

as I stretch and bend.

Excuse us, uno pimento.

Okay, who's the Irish guy, huh?

You mean Raphael? Uh-huh.

He's a... He's another
background dancer.

Kelly, I just got him so he
could appeal to the women.

Really?

Would your director lie to you?

Excuse me. Mr. Scorsese?

BUD: Uh...

Just... Just call me by
my nickname, Bud Bundy.

Everybody does this.

Who is the natural blond?

I don't see one.

That one.

The one who is rudely avoiding
the temptation to stare at me.

That's Kelly. She's a dancer.
She's nothing. She's garbage.

I just got her so she
could appeal to the men.

Just as long as everyone
knows that Raphael is the star.

Would your producer lie to you?

[CLEARS THROAT]

Bud.

BUD: Ah, Mr. Capone.

[CHUCKLES] Hey.

Welcome.

Nice.

And, uh, this is
my sister, Kelly,

Uh-huh. The
collateral we spoke of.

And that there is Raphael.

You did a good job, Bud.

If all goes well, this video
will make us a lot of money.

Yeah, you think so?

Would a guy who holds your
life in his hands lie to you?

Good point.

So I can expect
my video at 5:00?

I'd stake my life on it.

Oh, so you read the contract.

What do you mean
that you're the star?

Bud told me that I was the star.

That's funny. Bud told
me you were garbage.

Heh. Raphael is the only star.

Well, if I am not the
star, then I am walking.

Oh, yeah? Well, either
if Raphael is not the star,

he is walking.

Do not try and stop him.

Um, well... Well, don't worry.

They'll come around. You know
how temperamental actors are.

It may be a week.
Maybe... Maybe a month.

You have until 5.

[LAUGHS]

You got...

You got a great sense
of humor, Mr. Capone.

Heh-heh. Yes, I do, Bud.

Unfortunately, Gino,

who I'm leaving here to
make sure you're done on time,

has no sense of
humor whatsoever.

Yo, Gino!