Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 10, Episode 14 - I Can't Believe It's Butter - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

Family...

And I use that term with
great embarrassment.

It is now time to
unveil the contents

of the Bundy family
Christmas club.

Oh, Dad.

You got a festive
green one this year.

Usually you just use one
of your old white socks.

Honey, that is one
of his white socks.

See how it matches his teeth.

KELLY [CHUCKLES]: Oh.



Thank you, Rudolph
the Redhead Couch Wit.

Anyway, once a year,

the working members of
the Bundy family, namely me,

put aside a small
percentage of his paycheck...

Namely nothing.

And at the end of the year,

opens it up to buy
Christmas presents.

Namely garbage.

Dad, why do we go through
this pathetic charade every year?

You know darn well
Mom's jimmied the lock

and spent all the
money on herself.

I didn't spend one
penny on myself this year.

Hey. Hey, maybe, we
will get some presents.

Then why is there nothing
but receipts in here, Peg?



Well, those aren't from me.

That's just stuff Mom needed.

Five hundred dollars
for JJ's House of Strudel.

Two hundred dollars for
a heavy-duty Buttmaster.

Everybody knows that
strudel goes straight to the butt.

Well, there goes your
Christmas gift, Peg.

What about us?
Oh, this doesn't affect

your gift, pumpkin.

[GIGGLES]

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas. I ought to give
you one of these for Christmas.

Come on, Kel.

Let's go.

We'll have to raise
our own money

for Christmas
presents this year.

[SIGHS] You know
what this means, right?

Yeah. The shell-shocked
vet and the blind-girl routine.

That's right.

And this year don't sit there

reading People
magazine, all right?

I was not reading it.

I was looking at
the pictures, okay?

Peg, your mother is eating
us out of house and home.

Now, I don't expect
her to pull her weight.

That would be impossible.

But she's got to get a job.

She's a Wanker woman.

She's not used to working.

I will only put up with one
worthless Wanker woman

in this house at a time, Peg.

Either she gets a job or you do.

Mom, we gotta talk.

♪ Fa, la-la, la-la, la-la-la ♪

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la La-la-la-la ♪

Excuse me.

Do you have any
pumps in my size?

Yes, I do, but the Society

for the Prevention
of Cruelty to Shoes

would not allow me
to sell them to you.

Well, I hope you get
coal in your stocking

on Christmas morning.

And I hope you get
Slim-Fast in yours.

Now, we're about to have
our Christmas party here.

So would you mind
eggnogging on out?

Happy Holidays.

Merry Christmas, lady.

Hey, guys, sorry I'm late.

[CLEARS THROAT]

I had to ditch Marcy down
at the employment office.

[CHUCKLES]

God, what a depressing place.

All those people
out of work, huh?

No. All those people
looking for work.

[CHUCKLES]

Have they no pride?

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, I'll tell you, if
Marcy is so dead set

on a two-income family,
let her get a night job.

[CHUCKLES] Yeah.

[CLUCKING]

[CHUCKLING]

Jefferson, you don't really
mean that about Marcy, do you?

[CHUCKLES] Oh, as sure as I'm
skimming money off her mutual funds.

[LAUGHING]

Oh, I'll tell you, it will
be a cold day in hell

when my paycheck-in-heels
outsmarts me.

Well, then, prepare
to make snow angels

with the Prince of Darkness.

Marcy?

Marcy. I-I can't believe
you followed me here

from the employment office?

Look, Jefferson...
Oh, no, no, no.

Don't apologize.
The damage is done.

Look, Marcy, if I can't
trust you not to follow me,

how can I ever trust
you as a reference

on a job application?

Well, I already got you a job

playing life-sized Ken in
the Barbie Christmas window

at Marshall Field's.

[GROUP LAUGHING]

Okay, but don't blame me, Marcy,

if your sick obsession with work

drives me into the arms
of a life-sized Barbie.

Merry Christmas.

Happy New Year. Merry Christmas.

Well, now that the wives
and deadbeats are gone,

let's start this
Christmas party.

Yeah. Yeah. The tree is
trimmed, the halls are decked

and Ike has donned
his gay apparel.

Take that back, you
glorified night watchman.

[ALL ARGUING]

Gentlemen, focus.
There'll be no brawling here.

This is a Christmas
party, not a wedding.

Besides, we can't
start until Griff gets here

from his new part-time job.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

Okay, kid, if you
let go of my leg

I'll bring you a pony
on Christmas morning.

Yay.

Excuse me. Why did you say that?

I specifically told you
he couldn't have one.

And I specifically told
you tips were encouraged.

Come on, Bobby. The
real Santa's at Kmart.

Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.

Merry stinking Christmas.

Hey, Griff, where's
your Christmas spirit?

My ex-wife got it in
the divorce settlement.

Along with the house, the car

and my entire collection
of Pam Grier movies.

I knew you were feeling
lonely the last couple of weeks.

That's why I got you
this for Christmas.

"1-900-YUMMY"?

"The bearer of
this card is entitled

to 20 minutes of
Yuletide phone sex."

Al, you shouldn't have.

Hey, it didn't cost me anything.

I just cashed in my frequent
hooter miles at the nudie bar.

Al, meaningless,
no-strings-attached sex

is the last thing
I want right now.

That's the only thing
I've ever wanted.

Ooh, wait. Let me have it.

Hey, Ike, give
me that thing back.

Come on, Ike.

Hey, Ike. Ike. Ike. Ike.

Don't be selfish. Put it
on the speakerphone.

[LINE RINGING]

[LINE PICKS UP]

WOMAN [IN SULTRY VOICE]: Hello,

you're cooking with Butter.

[ALL HOWLING]

Hey, Butter,

this is...

Hot Pants.

Oh, Hot Pants.

Why don't you come closer

and melt little old Butter?

Uh, h-hold on.

I-I got to think about baseball.

Hey, hey, Butter.

Uh, this is, uh... This
is Double-O-Shoe.

Listen, forget Hot Pants.

You need to talk
to my good friend...

Butcher Boy. Psycho Cop.

Not you, you potbellied porkers.

Al.

Hiya, Butter.

This is, um,

Shoehorn O'Plenty.

Thanks for the ride home, Griff.

Hey, I'm a Dodge man
through and through

but that Geo Metro of yours

is a lot easier to
push up that hill.

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah, but if you
want a car that will

just rust away
on the front lawn,

nothin' beats your Dodge.

[LAUGHS]

You got that right.
Come on. I'll give you

that beer I promised
you. There's nobody home.

WOMAN: Beer?

I'll come down and join ya.

Except my mother-in-law,
the Budweiser Clydesdale.

Well, I got to go anyhow, Al.

I promised Butter
I'd call her at 6.

Yeah, you wouldn't want to
leave a phone-sex operator

waitin' by the phone.

Wait a minute, Al.

Butter is more than
just $1.99 a minute.

She's a real good listener

who really understands me.

And, boy, can she talk dirty.

Well, I still better go.

I got a long push home.

All right, take it easy, buddy.

[CLEARS THROAT]

1-900-YUMMY.

[PHONE RINGS UPSTAIRS]

1-900-YUMMY.

[PHONE RINGS]

[LINE PICKS UP]

PEG'S MOM [SULTRY]:
Merry Christmas.

You're cooking with Butter.

[MOUTHS] Oh, no.

[♪♪♪]

Mmm.

More.

Come on.

You know, this is fantastic.

I mean, I can't believe Grandma
bought us all these presents

and this beautiful dinner.

It's like she's an older
married man or something.

You know, Peg,
who would've thought

that your mom's 1-900 number

would have bought us
our first real Christmas?

You know, for a
Bigfoot, your mom's okay.

[BUD LAUGHS]

Oh, Al, let's invite her
down for Christmas dinner.

What, are you nuts?

Don't you know that the holidays

are the busiest
phone-sex time of all?

Daddy, aren't you
feeling just a little guilty

that most of the money
that paid for this food

came from your NO MA'AM friends?

Guilty, no. Hungry, yes.

Oh. [BOTH LAUGHING]

What I mean is, is that

don't you think
you should tell them

that Butter is really Grandma?

Pumpkin, unlike marriage,

phone sex is a victimless crime.

Why spoil the good
time of my dear friends

and derail our gravy
train at the same time?

Speaking of which,
Peg, would you pop open

another can of gravy, please?

That a girl.

Dad's right. What they
don't know, won't hurt them.

Besides, when you
dial those 900 numbers,

all you really care about is...

Is... Is getting your money back
for dialing the wrong number.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Who could that be?

Ah, maybe one of the neighbors

found out we had food. Eat fast.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

All right, I'll get it.

Just pretend like
nothing's happened.

Shut up, now!

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Coming.

Hey, Al.

Hey, Griff, how you doin'?

So you're having another
imaginary Christmas dinner.

Yeah, well, it keeps
them happy, you know.

Thanks for stopping by,
buddy. Now, wait a minute.

Wait a minute. I
need your advice.

You-you know, I've been
talking to Butter a lot lately.

Al, she is more
than just phone sex.

She is a beautiful human being.

I never thought
I'd say this again:

I think I'm in love.

I think I'm about to blow gravy.

Al, I want to ask her to
spend the holidays with me.

F... Family meeting.

Al, what are we gonna do?

If Griff finds out that
Grandma is Butter,

then he and the
guys will stop calling,

and we'll have to go back
to living on your income.

I hate him. He's the
Griff who stole Christmas.

I'll kill this sucker
first. Stop that!

No. No one kills anybody here.

Come here. I got a plan.

I want you two to
get some candy canes

and lure Grandma
out of her room.

All of her, Dad?

Even the...? The
dark, mossy side?

Yes, will you just go do it?

Peg, I want you to go upstairs

and talk dirty.

Ooh, Al.

You mean like this?

Thank you, Peg.

The one meal I've had in months,

and I won't be able
to keep it down.

You said to talk dirty.

[SOBS] Not to me,
you candied yam.

To Griff.

I want you to go upstairs.

When the phone rings,
I want you to answer it.

Pretend you're Butter.

Then I want you to tell him
that your love can never be.

Well, what are you gonna do?

I'm gonna... I'm
gonna soften him up

with our finest
liquid refreshment.

Mmm. Man, that's gravy.

Not just for breakfast anymore.

Al, what if Butter
won't go out with me?

What will I do?

Not call her anymore? Nope.

Call her often, and
call her at peak hours,

and talk for a long, long time.

But never ask to meet her.

Okay, Al.

This may be just
the gravy talking,

but I trust your judgment.

Here goes.

[RINGS]

[SULTRY VOICE] Merry Christmas.

You're cooking with Butter.

GRIFF: Merry
Christmas, Butter baby.

This is Shoehorn O'Plenty.

You sound a little
different tonight, Butter.

What, you got a little cold?

Well, I-I did.

But I'm warmin' up now.

Well, look, Butter, I know
I've asked you this before,

but this time I
really have to know.

What do you look like?

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

Al, I am really
uncomfortable with this.

I don't think I can
go through with it.

Peg, Peg, Peg.

Just do what we do
when we have sex.

Pretend we're with someone else.

Thanks, Fabio.

You're welcome, Ginger...

and Mary Ann.

What do I look like?

Well, I am statuesque

with flowing red hair

and a booty that your hand

just aches to grab.

[PEG SQUEALS]

Butter, you okay?

Oh, yes. I'm fine.

It's just that chronic pain

in the butt I live with.

Hey, Butter, I got to ask you
this before I lose the nerve.

Will you come spend
the holidays with me?

Oh, well, I'd love to,

Mr. O'Plenty,

but, uh, it's against
company policy.

You see, we phone-sex employees

live by the highest moral
and ethical standards.

Yeah, well, I'd make it a
Christmas you'd never forget.

Dinner.

Dancin'.

A sleigh ride to
the airport Motel 6

where I would rock your world.

I'll be there in a half an hour.

Al, I'm leaving you.

Peg, under normal
circumstances, I'd help you pack.

But there's more at stake
here than our marriage, Peg.

There's money. Piles
and piles of money.

So I want you to get
back on that phone

and do what you do best.

Shatter dreams.

Uh, look, Horn, heh,

I've got to be perfectly
honest with you.

You see, I'm a
happily married woman

with children.

Very, very young children.

Infants.

Hey, I don't mind messing
around with a married woman.

Al, I'll be back by New Year's.

Peg, he's a shoe salesman.

It'd be like leaving me for me.

Oh, yeah.

Thanks for talking
me down, Al. Heh.

Uh, listen, Mr. O'Plenty.

You know, it's... It's easy to
get carried away on the phone.

I mean, but it's
all just a fantasy.

You know, my husband
may not be much,

but he does keep me in bonbons,

and I don't have
to cook or clean

or even know where my kids are.

Yeah, well... [GROANS]

I guess I can respect that.

Can we still fool around
on the phone sometimes?

Oh, yeah.

We can do it right now.

Al, you've got
to listen to this.

Eh, no, I don't.

How'd it go, buddy?

Well, she won't go out
with me, but all is not lost.

You know, she
reaffirmed the value

of cheap and meaningless sex.

That's a gift I will
always cherish.

[BOTH LAUGH]

GROUP: ♪ Deck the
halls With boughs of holly ♪

♪ Tr-la-la-la-la ♪

Ha, ha, ha.

Hey. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Hey... Hey, guys, listen,
since the wives are downtown

feeding Christmas
dinners to the homeless,

shouldn't we be
down at the nudie bar

feeding dollars to the topless?

Yeah.

Great idea. To the nudie bar.

GROUP: Yes!

Where Christmas is nice

And lap dances are half price

ALL: At the nudie bar!

Where you drink
down the shooters

And unwrap the hooters

ALL: At the nudie bar!

Where eggnog's a-plenty

And the girls are all 20

ALL: At the nudie bar!

[ALL CHEER]

[POUNDING]

PEG'S MOM: I
recognize those voices.

Butcher Boy, Psycho Cop,

Hot Pants, Ken Doll, Shoehorn.

[SULTRY] It's me, Butter.

[GROUP YELLING]

[♪♪♪]