Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 10, Episode 1 - Guess Who's Coming to Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner - full transcript
Mama Wanker moves in with the Bundys after fighting with her husband.
[♪♪♪]
[BRA SNAPPING] [GASPS]
Oh.
Bud, have you ever
done this before?
What? You mean have sex?
Yeah. Hundreds of times.
No, I mean, with someone.
Well, girls don't usually ask
me that until after the deed.
I'm sorry, I... I'm
just a little nervous,
what with your
parents right next door.
Look, Jamie,
you see these locks?
I have never, ever been caught
doing anything with myself.
Look, no one can
possibly disturb us.
Oh, I guess I'm
just being paranoid.
And the truth is, I do want you.
Badly.
Then that is how
you shall have me.
Oh, hi, son.
Don't mind me. Just keep
on doing what you're doing.
I can't find my Big 'Uns.
You haven't seen any
Big' Uns, have you, son?
No, Dad.
And obviously I won't be
seeing these "'Uns," either.
Yeah. See, it's a...
It's a special edition:
Big 'Uns Behind Bars.
And my humble opinion:
best damn magazine
ever published.
Why would I need
that kind of stuff?
You know I slay the babes.
Yeah, I see that.
Ah, here it is. My Big 'Uns.
Ooh! "Chain gang."
So.
Where were we?
I was just buttoning up my
cut-offs and saying goodbye
until you got your own place.
Jamie, Jamie, no,
no. Listen, listen.
Listen, the reason
I'm living at home is...
Is to help out with Dad.
See, he, um...
He hasn't been
himself since, um...
Well, since Desert Storm.
He was there?
No, but he, um...
[TEARFULLY] He watched
the whole thing on CNN.
[WEEPING] Oh! I am so sorry.
Take me now.
Bud, have you seen my red bra?
Well, we got all the stuff
out of your son's room.
Where do you want
us to move this junk?
Don't know, don't care.
The boy said he'd
have an apartment by 6.
So in the words of
his loving mother,
"Keep moving till
I tell you to stop."
Or, in the words of
my loving husband,
"The sooner it's
outta here, the better."
Oh, Al, I can't believe our
baby boy is finally moving.
Baby boy, Peg?
He's older than you
tell people you are.
I was very young
when I got married.
Yeah, and I was very drunk.
So where's the cool guy
who's ready to leave home
and bag some babes?
Right here.
Please, you can't
even bag your own wife.
Oh, I can bag her, but it
doesn't do me any good.
I remember what she looks like.
Ooh, Marcy, fruit.
Oh, Peggy, this
basket is a gift for Bud.
Well, it's very thoughtful.
But I'm sure he wouldn't
want it if I touched it.
[CHUCKLING] Or coughed on it.
[BOTH COUGHING]
[CHORTLING] Or...
Throw dirt all over it!
[LAUGHING]
Gee, I can't imagine
why Bud would ever
want to leave here.
But, God, I do remember
my first apartment.
My roommate and
I were both single.
Bursting with ripe,
flowering womanhood.
The sexual revolution
was in full swing
and we were a-happening.
Wow. I bet you were
having sex all the time.
No.
That cheap slut of a roommate
stole all my boyfriends.
I've never forgiven
Mom for that.
Well, let me
tell you a little bit
about my own
swinging bachelor pad.
Mirror ball on the ceiling,
a waterbed on the floor,
fake medical
degrees on the wall.
[LAUGHING]
Oh, God, I have
fun at that place.
Have?
Jefferson, you don't still
own that place, do you?
No. And it's not
where I go Thursdays
when I say I'm
playing racquetball.
Hey, hey, you guys, here
comes Bud across the lawn.
Okay, everybody
get down, be quiet.
Oh! I think it'd
make him feel good
if we all yelled, "Surprise."
Forget that. We're
gonna yell, "Get out!"
ALL: Get out!
What?
Yep. Turn in your key.
All your stuff's in the street.
Here's a lovely fruit basket
from your mother and father.
Hold on to your
filthy grapes, Dad.
I couldn't find an
apartment I could afford.
You know, son, the best way
to ruin a heartfelt
goodbye party
is to stay where
you're not wanted.
Now, we bought
you a lovely cake.
The least you can do is get out.
The most you can do is
take your mother with you.
Al, you cannot just
throw him out in the cold.
No, no, no. Dad's right.
He deserves to be
Menendez-ed but he's right.
No, I can't go
on living upstairs.
I guess I'll just go
find a box somewhere.
Fine.
Oh, Bud, don't be so down.
Listen, I have the perfect
place for you to move into.
It's lonely, it's grungy,
it's creepy, it's you.
The basement.
Kelly...
You may have just
hit on something.
And for once it's
not a married man.
The basement. Lots of cool
guys live in the basement, right?
Oh, yeah, yeah, the coolest.
Uncle Fester. Cousin Itt.
That silly guy
with the butterflies
from Silence of the Lambs.
It's gonna be the
coolest pad in town.
It's gonna be the
mecca of chick-dom,
the North Pole of nookie.
I'm gonna put in new
carpets, new lights...
New third step?
BUD [SCREAMING]: Oh, my God!
[CRASHING]
So, Peggy, what are you
gonna do with Bud's old room?
Well, you know, I've
always wanted someplace
I could just stretch
out and do nothing.
Well, get in the car. I'll
take you to the morgue.
Come on, Al.
You should be
proud that your son
is moving out and
becoming a man.
My son is burrowing
down and becoming a mole.
[PHONE RINGING]
Besides, as bad as this is,
you just know that something
worse is gonna happen.
Don't you know that all
horrible things happen in threes?
Celebrity deaths.
Pauly Shore movies.
Wilson Phillips.
And, in my own
case, marrying Peg.
Bud not moving out.
And three, two, one:
Al, something
horrible has happened.
The hell you say.
That was Dad.
He and Mom had this big fight.
And now Mom left
and he can't find her.
Did he look behind the Rockies?
Excuse me, oink-boy.
But aren't you the
least bit concerned
about your mother-in-law's
whereabouts?
Oh, I know where the
blubbering beast doth blow.
Where?
[♪♪♪]
[RUMBLING]
[DOORBELL RINGS]
PEG'S MOM:
Margaret, open the door!
It's your mother,
and I'm hungry!
[GRUNTS]
You know, Peg, I hate it when
your mom weebles down here
for her little midnight snacks
which last till 9
in the morning.
Mom does not eat between meals.
Oh, no, Peg, because in
order to eat between meals,
the first meal has to end.
Al, don't you know how
traumatic this is for me?
I now come from a broken home.
As do I.
Oh, give Mom a
break, she's distraught.
She is humongous.
PEG'S MOM: I'm
just retaining water.
The Hoover Dam
is retaining water.
She is retaining Skittles.
PEG'S MOM: Did
someone say "Skittles"?
Al, I don't wanna come
from a broken home.
Mom said she'd take Dad back
if he'd come here and apologize.
Please, go to Wanker County
and bring my daddy home. Please!
Peg, you know I hate
going to Wanker County.
I could end up as pie filling.
PEG'S MOM: Did
someone say "pie filling"?
On the other hand, the same
thing could happen upstairs.
Okay, I'll go, Peg.
Well, you know what, Bud?
I have gotta hand it to you.
Your new room looks pretty good.
When Jamie gets here, she's
gonna wanna sleep with me.
Well, no.
I said your room looks
good. You still look like you.
Kelly, could you help me
give Grandma a pedicure?
Sure, Mom. What's the point?
It's not like Grandma
can even see her feet.
[DOORBELL RINGING]
[SPRITZES]
Bud, what was so important
that I had to drop everything,
which happened to
be my baby brother,
and rush right over here?
I did it. I found a new place
and, uh, I was hoping
you and I could christen it,
if you know what I mean.
Ooh! Bud, that sounds great.
Oh, I hope it's by the lake.
I used to date this guy
that lived by the lake
and every time I went
through the front door,
all I wanted to do is rip off
my clothes and make love.
So where is your place?
It's by the lake.
Let's go.
Um, well, we can't.
The, um... The bidet,
it's... It's not firing properly.
But I have an... An
equally romantic suggestion.
Let's do it right here?
You're such a kidder.
Call me when
your place is ready.
Hey, Efrum, how much you
want for this here reading lamp?
That ain't no reading
lamp, Twitchy.
That is my wife's
old eating lamp.
[SNIFFLES]
She used to use it at
night while I was asleep.
I'd be counting sheep
and she'd be eating them.
Okay, how much you want
for this here eating lamp?
It ain't for sale.
It's my wife's and I miss
her. Now, give... Give it to me.
[METALLIC CLANK]
AL [SHOUTING]: No, no!
Please, no!
Who the hell would put a
bear trap in an outhouse?
They wouldn't. It
ain't no bear trap.
That's a human trap.
Why would you
want to trap a human?
I don't know. Ask the bears.
Them's the ones put it in there.
Can you get it off me, Efrum?
The bear trap or that, uh,
tarantula you got
there on your neck?
That works every time, don't it?
[LAUGHING]
So, uh, Al, uh,
what do you hear
from my bigger half?
Plenty.
She's moved in with me.
Oh, huh!
Well, I might have known, huh?
She always thought
you were hot stuff.
Mr. City Slicker
with your shoes.
Efrum, I... I'm not dating her.
No, I'm caging her.
Hey, Efrum, how much you
want for that wading pool?
That ain't no wading pool.
That's my little
darling's shower cap.
And it ain't for sale,
you son of an onion.
Efrum, if you're not selling
anything of your wife's,
what the hell are you
having a divorce sale for?
[SIGHS]
Well, because I'm lonely.
And my psychotherapist told
me that either I oughta try this,
or I get up on that water tower
and start picking off cousins.
You know, Efrum,
it's my impression that,
A, you've got some serious
toxins in your well water,
or, B, you still miss the wife.
Well, A, I don't drink nothing
but sour mash and Robitussin.
And, B, uh, when
it does wear off,
I... I do kind of miss her.
[SNIFFLING]
[CRYING]
Of course, I don't
cough no more.
There is still light at
the end of the tunnel.
She swallow a comet again?
No, she misses you
and she wants you back.
All you gotta do
is say you're sorry.
I'm sorry.
Not to me, you corn nut.
To her. You just
come on back with me,
say you're sorry,
she'll take you back
and I'll even throw
in a pair of my shoes.
Will you show me
how they work too?
Sure.
What are we
waiting for? Let's go.
Uh, Efrum, hang
on there a second.
You know, you're a
braver man than I am.
If my wife left me,
I'd be dancing on the deck
of the good ship hooter-pop.
With a smile on my face
and my face on a smile.
Oh, God, the
times that I've had.
But you know, in a strange way,
I have to respect your loyalty.
It's not every man who
would stand by a woman
who's large enough to
have her own fire escape.
No, Efrum, I've gotta
hand it to you, you're...
gone.
Efrum, get back here,
you son of an onion.
[METAL CLANKING] Ooh! Bear trap.
[WAILING]
Hi, Peg, I'm back. Good night.
Al, where's Dad?
Oh, he's not coming,
Peg. Good night.
Hey, what happened?
Peg, he...
Well, he was all set
to come back and then,
somehow or another, someone...
I'm not saying who.
Said something about
good ship hooter-pop.
Before you know it, there
was a 70-year-old hillbilly
popping wheelies on a thresher
and saying how he'd never
marry a family member again.
This is all your fault.
You have ruined a
perfectly happy marriage.
Yet, I remain in a
perfectly dreadful one.
If you men only knew what
we do to keep a marriage alive.
Watching Oprah all day so that
we have something interesting
to talk to you about.
Dressing like this
to keep you excited.
Taking beauty naps to
reverse the aging process
and spending all your money
so you feel like
a good provider.
That is how I sacrifice
for you, Al Bundy.
It is a thankless,
exhausting job, but I do it.
And the only
thing I ask in return
is that you bring Dad
back here. And you failed.
You know what this means?
Oh, no, Peg. Peg!
Not... Not sex now, Peg.
[WHIMPERING] Oh, Peg. Peg, no.
Peg, please, I just
need a little more time.
I'll find him.
I want you to help me
give Mom a sitz bath.
Can't we have sex instead?
Later. Right now
Mom needs her bath.
[WHIMPERING] Oh, Peg...
Would you ever
leave me, Al Bundy?
First chance I get, Peg.
Fine. Then you
can scrub her front.
[SQUEALING]
Can't you just feel the...?
The mist from the lake?
[FOGHORN BLOWING
OVER TAPE RECORDER]
Can I take this off now?
Allow me.
I meant my blindfold,
you horn-dog.
Not yet. It'll
spoil the surprise.
Okay, now we're in the lobby,
walking past my trusted
doorman, Rodney.
Rodney, this is Jamie.
Oh! Rodney, you lout!
Take that.
[IN DEEP VOICE]
Sorry, Lord Bundy.
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Okay, now we're, uh,
getting into the elevator here.
[ELEVATOR MUZAK PLAYING
OVER TAPE RECORDER]
Bud? Hm?
It doesn't feel
like it's going up.
Oh, it is.
So, what do you think?
I think you did a great job
fixing up your
parent's basement.
When did you know?
Um, when you put
the blindfold on me,
sat in the driveway
and went "Vroom,
vroom" for 20 minutes.
But I think what you
did was very sweet,
and to tell you the
truth, it turns me on.
Well, and it is private.
So as they say at the lakefront,
let's do the wiggly.
Everybody duck and cover.
Your Grandma got out of the tub,
she's about to
shake herself dry.
[RUMBLING]
There she blows!
[♪♪♪]
[BRA SNAPPING] [GASPS]
Oh.
Bud, have you ever
done this before?
What? You mean have sex?
Yeah. Hundreds of times.
No, I mean, with someone.
Well, girls don't usually ask
me that until after the deed.
I'm sorry, I... I'm
just a little nervous,
what with your
parents right next door.
Look, Jamie,
you see these locks?
I have never, ever been caught
doing anything with myself.
Look, no one can
possibly disturb us.
Oh, I guess I'm
just being paranoid.
And the truth is, I do want you.
Badly.
Then that is how
you shall have me.
Oh, hi, son.
Don't mind me. Just keep
on doing what you're doing.
I can't find my Big 'Uns.
You haven't seen any
Big' Uns, have you, son?
No, Dad.
And obviously I won't be
seeing these "'Uns," either.
Yeah. See, it's a...
It's a special edition:
Big 'Uns Behind Bars.
And my humble opinion:
best damn magazine
ever published.
Why would I need
that kind of stuff?
You know I slay the babes.
Yeah, I see that.
Ah, here it is. My Big 'Uns.
Ooh! "Chain gang."
So.
Where were we?
I was just buttoning up my
cut-offs and saying goodbye
until you got your own place.
Jamie, Jamie, no,
no. Listen, listen.
Listen, the reason
I'm living at home is...
Is to help out with Dad.
See, he, um...
He hasn't been
himself since, um...
Well, since Desert Storm.
He was there?
No, but he, um...
[TEARFULLY] He watched
the whole thing on CNN.
[WEEPING] Oh! I am so sorry.
Take me now.
Bud, have you seen my red bra?
Well, we got all the stuff
out of your son's room.
Where do you want
us to move this junk?
Don't know, don't care.
The boy said he'd
have an apartment by 6.
So in the words of
his loving mother,
"Keep moving till
I tell you to stop."
Or, in the words of
my loving husband,
"The sooner it's
outta here, the better."
Oh, Al, I can't believe our
baby boy is finally moving.
Baby boy, Peg?
He's older than you
tell people you are.
I was very young
when I got married.
Yeah, and I was very drunk.
So where's the cool guy
who's ready to leave home
and bag some babes?
Right here.
Please, you can't
even bag your own wife.
Oh, I can bag her, but it
doesn't do me any good.
I remember what she looks like.
Ooh, Marcy, fruit.
Oh, Peggy, this
basket is a gift for Bud.
Well, it's very thoughtful.
But I'm sure he wouldn't
want it if I touched it.
[CHUCKLING] Or coughed on it.
[BOTH COUGHING]
[CHORTLING] Or...
Throw dirt all over it!
[LAUGHING]
Gee, I can't imagine
why Bud would ever
want to leave here.
But, God, I do remember
my first apartment.
My roommate and
I were both single.
Bursting with ripe,
flowering womanhood.
The sexual revolution
was in full swing
and we were a-happening.
Wow. I bet you were
having sex all the time.
No.
That cheap slut of a roommate
stole all my boyfriends.
I've never forgiven
Mom for that.
Well, let me
tell you a little bit
about my own
swinging bachelor pad.
Mirror ball on the ceiling,
a waterbed on the floor,
fake medical
degrees on the wall.
[LAUGHING]
Oh, God, I have
fun at that place.
Have?
Jefferson, you don't still
own that place, do you?
No. And it's not
where I go Thursdays
when I say I'm
playing racquetball.
Hey, hey, you guys, here
comes Bud across the lawn.
Okay, everybody
get down, be quiet.
Oh! I think it'd
make him feel good
if we all yelled, "Surprise."
Forget that. We're
gonna yell, "Get out!"
ALL: Get out!
What?
Yep. Turn in your key.
All your stuff's in the street.
Here's a lovely fruit basket
from your mother and father.
Hold on to your
filthy grapes, Dad.
I couldn't find an
apartment I could afford.
You know, son, the best way
to ruin a heartfelt
goodbye party
is to stay where
you're not wanted.
Now, we bought
you a lovely cake.
The least you can do is get out.
The most you can do is
take your mother with you.
Al, you cannot just
throw him out in the cold.
No, no, no. Dad's right.
He deserves to be
Menendez-ed but he's right.
No, I can't go
on living upstairs.
I guess I'll just go
find a box somewhere.
Fine.
Oh, Bud, don't be so down.
Listen, I have the perfect
place for you to move into.
It's lonely, it's grungy,
it's creepy, it's you.
The basement.
Kelly...
You may have just
hit on something.
And for once it's
not a married man.
The basement. Lots of cool
guys live in the basement, right?
Oh, yeah, yeah, the coolest.
Uncle Fester. Cousin Itt.
That silly guy
with the butterflies
from Silence of the Lambs.
It's gonna be the
coolest pad in town.
It's gonna be the
mecca of chick-dom,
the North Pole of nookie.
I'm gonna put in new
carpets, new lights...
New third step?
BUD [SCREAMING]: Oh, my God!
[CRASHING]
So, Peggy, what are you
gonna do with Bud's old room?
Well, you know, I've
always wanted someplace
I could just stretch
out and do nothing.
Well, get in the car. I'll
take you to the morgue.
Come on, Al.
You should be
proud that your son
is moving out and
becoming a man.
My son is burrowing
down and becoming a mole.
[PHONE RINGING]
Besides, as bad as this is,
you just know that something
worse is gonna happen.
Don't you know that all
horrible things happen in threes?
Celebrity deaths.
Pauly Shore movies.
Wilson Phillips.
And, in my own
case, marrying Peg.
Bud not moving out.
And three, two, one:
Al, something
horrible has happened.
The hell you say.
That was Dad.
He and Mom had this big fight.
And now Mom left
and he can't find her.
Did he look behind the Rockies?
Excuse me, oink-boy.
But aren't you the
least bit concerned
about your mother-in-law's
whereabouts?
Oh, I know where the
blubbering beast doth blow.
Where?
[♪♪♪]
[RUMBLING]
[DOORBELL RINGS]
PEG'S MOM:
Margaret, open the door!
It's your mother,
and I'm hungry!
[GRUNTS]
You know, Peg, I hate it when
your mom weebles down here
for her little midnight snacks
which last till 9
in the morning.
Mom does not eat between meals.
Oh, no, Peg, because in
order to eat between meals,
the first meal has to end.
Al, don't you know how
traumatic this is for me?
I now come from a broken home.
As do I.
Oh, give Mom a
break, she's distraught.
She is humongous.
PEG'S MOM: I'm
just retaining water.
The Hoover Dam
is retaining water.
She is retaining Skittles.
PEG'S MOM: Did
someone say "Skittles"?
Al, I don't wanna come
from a broken home.
Mom said she'd take Dad back
if he'd come here and apologize.
Please, go to Wanker County
and bring my daddy home. Please!
Peg, you know I hate
going to Wanker County.
I could end up as pie filling.
PEG'S MOM: Did
someone say "pie filling"?
On the other hand, the same
thing could happen upstairs.
Okay, I'll go, Peg.
Well, you know what, Bud?
I have gotta hand it to you.
Your new room looks pretty good.
When Jamie gets here, she's
gonna wanna sleep with me.
Well, no.
I said your room looks
good. You still look like you.
Kelly, could you help me
give Grandma a pedicure?
Sure, Mom. What's the point?
It's not like Grandma
can even see her feet.
[DOORBELL RINGING]
[SPRITZES]
Bud, what was so important
that I had to drop everything,
which happened to
be my baby brother,
and rush right over here?
I did it. I found a new place
and, uh, I was hoping
you and I could christen it,
if you know what I mean.
Ooh! Bud, that sounds great.
Oh, I hope it's by the lake.
I used to date this guy
that lived by the lake
and every time I went
through the front door,
all I wanted to do is rip off
my clothes and make love.
So where is your place?
It's by the lake.
Let's go.
Um, well, we can't.
The, um... The bidet,
it's... It's not firing properly.
But I have an... An
equally romantic suggestion.
Let's do it right here?
You're such a kidder.
Call me when
your place is ready.
Hey, Efrum, how much you
want for this here reading lamp?
That ain't no reading
lamp, Twitchy.
That is my wife's
old eating lamp.
[SNIFFLES]
She used to use it at
night while I was asleep.
I'd be counting sheep
and she'd be eating them.
Okay, how much you want
for this here eating lamp?
It ain't for sale.
It's my wife's and I miss
her. Now, give... Give it to me.
[METALLIC CLANK]
AL [SHOUTING]: No, no!
Please, no!
Who the hell would put a
bear trap in an outhouse?
They wouldn't. It
ain't no bear trap.
That's a human trap.
Why would you
want to trap a human?
I don't know. Ask the bears.
Them's the ones put it in there.
Can you get it off me, Efrum?
The bear trap or that, uh,
tarantula you got
there on your neck?
That works every time, don't it?
[LAUGHING]
So, uh, Al, uh,
what do you hear
from my bigger half?
Plenty.
She's moved in with me.
Oh, huh!
Well, I might have known, huh?
She always thought
you were hot stuff.
Mr. City Slicker
with your shoes.
Efrum, I... I'm not dating her.
No, I'm caging her.
Hey, Efrum, how much you
want for that wading pool?
That ain't no wading pool.
That's my little
darling's shower cap.
And it ain't for sale,
you son of an onion.
Efrum, if you're not selling
anything of your wife's,
what the hell are you
having a divorce sale for?
[SIGHS]
Well, because I'm lonely.
And my psychotherapist told
me that either I oughta try this,
or I get up on that water tower
and start picking off cousins.
You know, Efrum,
it's my impression that,
A, you've got some serious
toxins in your well water,
or, B, you still miss the wife.
Well, A, I don't drink nothing
but sour mash and Robitussin.
And, B, uh, when
it does wear off,
I... I do kind of miss her.
[SNIFFLING]
[CRYING]
Of course, I don't
cough no more.
There is still light at
the end of the tunnel.
She swallow a comet again?
No, she misses you
and she wants you back.
All you gotta do
is say you're sorry.
I'm sorry.
Not to me, you corn nut.
To her. You just
come on back with me,
say you're sorry,
she'll take you back
and I'll even throw
in a pair of my shoes.
Will you show me
how they work too?
Sure.
What are we
waiting for? Let's go.
Uh, Efrum, hang
on there a second.
You know, you're a
braver man than I am.
If my wife left me,
I'd be dancing on the deck
of the good ship hooter-pop.
With a smile on my face
and my face on a smile.
Oh, God, the
times that I've had.
But you know, in a strange way,
I have to respect your loyalty.
It's not every man who
would stand by a woman
who's large enough to
have her own fire escape.
No, Efrum, I've gotta
hand it to you, you're...
gone.
Efrum, get back here,
you son of an onion.
[METAL CLANKING] Ooh! Bear trap.
[WAILING]
Hi, Peg, I'm back. Good night.
Al, where's Dad?
Oh, he's not coming,
Peg. Good night.
Hey, what happened?
Peg, he...
Well, he was all set
to come back and then,
somehow or another, someone...
I'm not saying who.
Said something about
good ship hooter-pop.
Before you know it, there
was a 70-year-old hillbilly
popping wheelies on a thresher
and saying how he'd never
marry a family member again.
This is all your fault.
You have ruined a
perfectly happy marriage.
Yet, I remain in a
perfectly dreadful one.
If you men only knew what
we do to keep a marriage alive.
Watching Oprah all day so that
we have something interesting
to talk to you about.
Dressing like this
to keep you excited.
Taking beauty naps to
reverse the aging process
and spending all your money
so you feel like
a good provider.
That is how I sacrifice
for you, Al Bundy.
It is a thankless,
exhausting job, but I do it.
And the only
thing I ask in return
is that you bring Dad
back here. And you failed.
You know what this means?
Oh, no, Peg. Peg!
Not... Not sex now, Peg.
[WHIMPERING] Oh, Peg. Peg, no.
Peg, please, I just
need a little more time.
I'll find him.
I want you to help me
give Mom a sitz bath.
Can't we have sex instead?
Later. Right now
Mom needs her bath.
[WHIMPERING] Oh, Peg...
Would you ever
leave me, Al Bundy?
First chance I get, Peg.
Fine. Then you
can scrub her front.
[SQUEALING]
Can't you just feel the...?
The mist from the lake?
[FOGHORN BLOWING
OVER TAPE RECORDER]
Can I take this off now?
Allow me.
I meant my blindfold,
you horn-dog.
Not yet. It'll
spoil the surprise.
Okay, now we're in the lobby,
walking past my trusted
doorman, Rodney.
Rodney, this is Jamie.
Oh! Rodney, you lout!
Take that.
[IN DEEP VOICE]
Sorry, Lord Bundy.
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Okay, now we're, uh,
getting into the elevator here.
[ELEVATOR MUZAK PLAYING
OVER TAPE RECORDER]
Bud? Hm?
It doesn't feel
like it's going up.
Oh, it is.
So, what do you think?
I think you did a great job
fixing up your
parent's basement.
When did you know?
Um, when you put
the blindfold on me,
sat in the driveway
and went "Vroom,
vroom" for 20 minutes.
But I think what you
did was very sweet,
and to tell you the
truth, it turns me on.
Well, and it is private.
So as they say at the lakefront,
let's do the wiggly.
Everybody duck and cover.
Your Grandma got out of the tub,
she's about to
shake herself dry.
[RUMBLING]
There she blows!
[♪♪♪]