Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 1, Episode 7 - Married... Without Children - full transcript

One minute.

Will you please turn it down?

Thanks!

Turn it off!

I'm sorry.

You have no idea what it's like
having music blaring all day long.

Yes, we do.
That's why we came over.

I'm sorry. It's just that the kids
were home sick from school today.

-Oh, nothing serious, I hope.
-No.

One of those bugs that goes around.
You know, they're sick for two hours...

...then they make you sick
for the rest of your life.



-Coffee?
-No.

Steve and I can't wait
until we have kids.

Giving birth must be one of the
most beautiful experiences...

-...in God's universe.
-I wouldn't know.

I was unconscious for a week.

I kind of miss that.

Mom!

Kelly tied my face to the speaker!

Excuse me.

The mistakes she's making.

Maybe we should loan her
some of our child-rearing books.

I don't know, Marcy.
I don't think Al and Peggy read much.

I wish we could spend more time
with Bud and Kelly.

I just know we'd have such
a positive, creative influence on them.



If I hear another peep out of you two,
I am gonna tie your throats together.

Well, that's pretty creative.

I'm sorry you had to be here for this.

I don't want you to get the wrong idea.
Kids aren't so bad.

I remember one Mother's Day...

...they surprised me
with the sweetest....

Oh, no, that wasn't them.
I saw that on TV.

Oh, Peggy.

-It sounds like you need to get away.
-I thought about that.

But then Al and the kids would just
hunt me down and drag me back.

No, I meant for a vacation.

Hire a babysitter
and take off for the weekend.

We used to have babysitters,
but word-of-mouth kills you.

-What about your relatives?
-Again, it's that word-of-mouth thing.

If you really want to get out of town,
we wouldn't mind taking the kids.

-Would we, Steve?
-Well, I-- The ones upstairs?

Well, it would be fun.
It would be good practice...

...for when we have children.

You wouldn't mind?

Of course not.

Oh, hi, honey.

-Look, Steve and Marcy are here.
-Yeah, I know.

I've been circling the block
waiting for them to leave.

I finally ran out of gas.

They've agreed to take
the kids for the weekend.

-Great.
-So we can go away by ourselves.

You mean, we have to leave?

Gee, it sounded good for a second.

Come on, Al, we never get
to go anywhere.

Honey, if I wanted to go away, even
with you, it wouldn't be this weekend.

-The fight's on Saturday.
-Oh, Al. You always watch sports.

Well, not this weekend.
We're going away.

-I'm watching the fight.
-You are not.

-I'm watching the fight!
-You're not watching it, Al.

Oh, really, dear?

It's not being carried on network TV.
It's only on cable.

And we don't have cable TV.
Well, that settles it.

Marcy, let's get the phone book
and pick a nice, cheap, little love nest.

-This was your idea.
-No.

I can't believe it. The weekend
I have to spend with my wife.

Steve, you are the biggest--

-By the way, do you have cable?
-No.

The biggest idiot I ever met.

You got me into this.
The entire weekend alone with my wife.

Al, why don't you just go.
Relax. Enjoy yourself.

Steve, look out in the kitchen there.
You see that redhead?

Try to picture her in heat.

-I'm sorry, Al.
-Yeah.

That and a dime
gets you a cup of coffee.

-Where, Al?
-Shut up.

I gotta find a place to watch the fight
so I can get out of this.

Al, I got the answer
to all your problems.

Well, not all your problems,
but this problem.

The fight is being carried on
Spectravision, and I know who's got it.

This little place right across
the state line in Wisconsin:

The Come 'n Go Motel.

How would you know about
a place like that?

I've come and gone a few times.

-With Marcy?
-Well, actually, before Marcy.

You dog, you.

Now, don't say anything to Marcy.

I don't want her to find out
about the wild oats I sowed.

-So this is just between us, okay?
-Sure.

Hey, Peg. Steve just recommended
this little place, the Come 'n Go Motel.

He says it's a real passion pit.

I don't remember us going there, Steve.

Marcy.

I can't believe you forgot that night.

I don't know where my mind is.
I'm sorry, Steve.

I should hope so.

But I forgive you.

-You're gonna love this place. Peggy.
-Oh, gee, it sounds great.

I'm gonna make
the reservation right now.

-That was beautiful, Steve.
-Thanks, Al.

-And thanks for selling me out too.
-No problem.

Now listen, this is gonna work out
great for me, except for one thing.

She's gonna want some sex.

Now, do I watch the fight first,
then give her a jump?

No. That's no good,
because with that on my mind...

...I'll be all anxious and tense.
I won't enjoy the fight. No.

Best thing to do would be
to bed her down first.

That way, I'll enjoy the rest of the day.
Now, let's see....

Fight comes on at 5:00.
Figure a half-hour for the drive.

Check-in, 10 minutes.
Five minutes to go to the bathroom.

Then I pleasure Peg.
That should give me enough time...

...to shower, eat,
and get ready to have a good time.

-I love you, Al.
-Right back at you.

I'm really looking forward to this.

I think we'll learn a lot
about raising children.

And they'll learn a lot
about being themselves.

And if we run into any problems,
we'll get the answer.

One thing's for sure,
it'll be nice for the kids.

Get in there. You have no vote.
You're staying with them.

But, Dad, they're gross.

It's not my fault they moved next door.

Shut up, Al. They have their uses.

-This is very nice of you two.
-Oh, it's our pleasure.

The dog too.
Better and better.

Now, Marcy, here's a list
of dos and don'ts.

-And a very special don't: No parties.
-Mom.

Especially Kelly.
It's a promise we made the police.

Come on, Peg.
We should have left two minutes ago.

-You're anxious.
-More than you can imagine.

Well, kids, I think your parents
are really gonna miss you.

Al, wait for me!

Now, Bud, Kelly,
don't think of us as babysitters.

Think of us as best friends.

Would you like to tell our
best friends what we have?

-Not really, Marcy.
-Then I will.

We have art projects...

...and a game recommended
by Psychology Today.

-It's a game of role playing.
-I'm gonna make a call.

I'm gonna use your bathroom.

We're having some fun now,
huh, Marce?

I hope you're not gonna be this way
with our children.

I'm hoping our children will like us.

-These children like us.
-No, I'm at these dorks' house.

Yeah, give everybody this number.
They can call as late as they want to.

It's like death here.

Well, all in all,
I think it's gonna turn out just fine.

Hey, Kelly, look:

Even Mrs. Rhoades has
a bigger bra size than you.

-Gee, the room is beautiful.
-Get in the bed, Peg.

Peg, it's almost 5:00.
I can't believe the traffic.

Why does everybody stop
and watch somebody change a tire?

When I wait in traffic, the least they
can show me is some mangled bodies.

-Get in the bed, Peg.
-Take it easy, honey. We have all night.

But I love you, Peg,
and time's a-wasting. Let's go.

Let me check one thing.

Spectravision.
Okay, I'm ready. Let's go.

Wait, we promised the kids
we'd call them when we got here.

I don't know. The mood is fading.

Gee, I've been there before.

I'm ready.

You know, Peg, this is nice,
just the two of us.

We don't have to rush because
we're worried the kids will come in.

Ladies and gentlemen, would you
please rise for our national anthem?

"I am the father
of French Impressionism. Who am I?"

Now, Marcy,
let's give the kids a chance.

-Marcy?
-Édouard Manet.

Right.

Marcy and I have 200 points each,
and you have none.

This sucks, Marcy.

Oh, very good, Steve.

Did it occur to you that you're
setting the tone for the day?

-If you're negative, they'll be negative.
-If I leave, will they leave?

You, my friend,
are losing fatherhood points.

Besides,
they're not bothering anybody.

Come on, Buck.
Time to play Fox Hunt.

That's my fur.

My fur!

Your engagement present?
Bud, get out here!

Now, Steve, let me handle this.

You're just upset
because you paid for it.

Now, Bud, you know what you did
was wrong, don't you?

Yes, ma'am.

-Good. That will be all.
-That'll be all? No.

Just wait until I get this belt off,
and that'll be all.

-Steve! We're sorry.
-We're sorry? You bet we're sorry.

Sorry we ever moved next door
to the devil's spawning ground.

-Can I go play now?
-Yes, sure.

Come on, Buck!
Time for pearl diving!

Pearl diving?

-Bye, Mr. Rhoades.
-Whoa, where you going?

-Out. Where there's life.
-No, you're not.

Your mother said if you're too sick
to go to school, you can't go out.

-How about if I have a party over here?
-No parties.

I think I saved most
of our valuable stuff, Steve.

And the rest I'm sure will dry.

Mrs. Rhoades?

Mr. Rhoades said that if it's okay
with you, that I can have a party.

Oh, nice, Steve.
Make me the bad guy.

You heard Peggy say no parties.

You have me deeply concerned,
Steven.

Well, if I can't have a party,
can I have a couple of friends over?

-I don't see the harm in that. Do you?
-Yes, I do.

Sure. Go ahead and call them.

I already did.

Listen, I really like one of these guys.
He's real nice.

But don't make
any sudden moves, okay?

I guess I can dial 911 slowly.

-Hi.
-Hey.

This is Sean, Debbie and Dweep.
Dweep just got out.

Human life means nothing to me.

Marcy.

It's nice to meet you.

Just let me spread out some paper,
and we can all sit down.

Hey, we was playing
Eyesies Closies driving in.

I think you need a new mailbox.

Marcy, I think we're low on milk.

I'm just gonna run over to Wisconsin
and pick some up.

Freeze!

Come on, Ramirez! Hook him!

Low! High! Cross!

You got him! You got him!

Get up!

Come on, get up! Attaboy, he's up!

Ramirez never should have got up.

Eight. Nine. Ten.

It's over! Wow, what a fight!

Hi, Al.

I found a lot of nice things today.

You know, I know
we have Kmarts at home...

...but there is something so special
about going out of town to shop at one.

-This is great, honey.
-Yeah.

I think the national anthem
should be our song from now on.

When they hit
"the rockets' red glare"...

...you were an animal, Al.

I love this country, Peg.

You know, it's so nice
being here alone, just the two of us.

I know.
But you know something, Al?

I never thought I'd say this so soon,
but I miss the kids.

-What kids?
-Ours.

The boy and the girl, remember?

Honey, we've had a great time,
but we don't need to stay the night.

Why don't I call Steve and Marcy
and tell them we're coming home?

Unless you wanna do it again.

Sorry.

Well, Dweep, sure it's a nice ring...

...but I think that's why
they lock cemeteries at night.

Shall we change the subject?
Debbie--

Sean, where are you planning
to attend college?

Well, I was hoping to get
a government job, you know?

-So I could sell secrets.
-I love you, Sean.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-So, what's the plan?

Are we just supposed to sit here
and wait for these two to doze off?

-I'll get it!
-I'll get it!

Hello? Peggy, hi!

Yeah, we're still here.
How are you doing?

-You are? That's great!
-What?

-They're coming home.
-Oh, thank goodness.

You'll be home in an hour?
Hold on one second.

I'm back.

No, no. It's been our pleasure.
They've been little angels.

No problems at all. Don't rush.

-Yeah!
-"Don't rush," Steve?

Look at them.
It'll be dark in an hour.

Doesn't matter.
They're coming home.

They're gonna take
these little heathens away.

I can't believe you told Peggy,
"No problem."

What's gonna happen next time
they wanna go out of town?

They'll expect us to take the kids again
because we did such a good job.

Next time, it might be for a week.

Then a month.

And then one day,
they won't come back at all.

-We'll just say no.
-And then we'll be the bad guys.

The bad neighbors. No.

They have to see we're not fit
to care for the little demons.

We're bored.
Why can't we have a party?

Because your mother
specifically said no parties.

That's right. She did.

And if we were good babysitters,
the kind people use again...

...we'd have to say no.

Yes, of course you can have a party.
Can you get one together...

-...in less than an hour?
-Sure.

-Well, go for it.
-Marcy, tell me this is your plan:

You're gonna get them all together
and blow them up, right?

No. This is better, Steve.

Just as the party's starting,
Al and Peggy will be here.

And they'll see this wild party starring
Dweep, and they'll know we're unfit.

And they'll never ask us to care
for their precious offspring again.

Good news.
Raven and the Bloody 10 are coming.

Gee, they're tough.

-All right.
-All right.

-You get everything?
-I think so.

-You take the towels?
-Of course.

-Hotel pads and pens?
-Yeah, and the soap.

-Good. And the ashtrays?
-Yeah, I think we got everything.

Before you close the suitcase,
grab the Yellow Pages.

-Al, it's Wisconsin.
-Roll them up, they make a great log.

-Gee, we had a great time, honey.
-Yeah.

This is the first time we've been
in a motel room since our honeymoon.

Yeah. We still have those towels.

Sixteen years,
and you haven't changed a bit.

You know, you look exactly the same
as you did the day we were married.

Yeah, I know.

Aren't you gonna say
the same about me?

Well, honey, I bowl.
You don't do anything.

Hey, Peg, you look great.

-Much too good for an old guy like me.
-Old guy? Come on, Al.

You're in great shape.

I bet you could have handled
either of those bums that fought today.

-You know what? I think you're right.
-Yeah.

You know, I got a pretty good left jab.
For a shoe salesman.

With that Gonzales, I'd have waited
till he dropped his hands.

See, he always does that
when he doubles up with a hook.

Then I'd step inside, hook to the head,
uppercut, uppercut, uppercut.

If that don't work, I'd take the legs out.

Maybe we should call Steve and Marcy
and tell them we're not coming home.

Why bother?
They said it's no trouble.

Oh, Al.

This will show them.

Any minute now,
they'll be pulling into their driveway.

You know, dear,
they really are wrecking our home.

I know, but Peggy and Al
will be home any minute.

-I can't wait to see their faces.
-Yep.

Any minute.