Marie Antoinette (2022-…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Rival Queens - full transcript

Music

Previously on Marie Antoinette

Your job is to deliver the air

What if I can't?

You will have failed in your duty

She will need all the assistance we can give her

Welcome to Versailles

Choiseul is the architect of the Austro French alliance

Your dog is not welcome here

Let's keep her in our sights, Provence

Where is she?



The Countess is here to entertain Papa Croix

I can teach you

The art of seduction

Teach me

I'm not ready to be a father

Provence cannot forgive his elder brother for stealing his crown

What have you done to me, Mama?

Music

Music

What is that?

Music

It's good news

You can have a child now

Don't we have to have sex first?



You'll be breeding like rabbits when you complete my course

Mama says

If he won't come to you, you must go to him

I've never had that problem but

Can't hold out forever

Can't he?

It's been four months

Time for your lesson

Let's start with revision

Seduction begins with a kiss

And the kiss begins with your eyes

And now my lips

Close your eyes

Music

Music

Music

Music

Music

Knock, knock, knock

Come on, come on, boy, get up, good boy, good boy

Knock, knock, knock

Stupid

Music

Music

Give it to me, Julie

It must be the princess

I'm so sorry, I forgot the time

I'm sorry

Yes, it's very helpful Prime Minister, thank you

Perfect timing, I need a gentleman's opinion

Darling

Which do you prefer?

This ring or that bracelet?

Neither, Deguillon has just shown me your accounts

I'll take both

Excellent choice

And you, Deguillon?

Are you planning to slash my allowance from the privy purse?

I am told that being sensible can't kill you

But why take the chance?

Whose turn is it this morning, France?

Oh, you choose, my love

I'm on it, sire

Music

It will have to be Lavinval

She's hopeless, and she hates men

I know, but if we don't find a wife for Papa

We will never get rid of that strumpet

In regard, Prime Minister, we have been here so many times before

This could mean war

Why?

France would be obliged to take a stand against Austria

If she joins in the carve up of Poland

To war with our ally

Our treaty has not been ratified

Austria has not yet performed her duty to France

It's perplexing

Especially when Austria appears to be willing

One can't help wondering if the problem lies with France

There is nothing wrong with my grandson

The little dauphine arrived here completely unprepared

Were you aware that she knew nothing about the marriage bed?

Madame du Barry has taken it upon herself to educate the girl for heaven's sake

She hadn't even started her menses

And if I don't care what the Countess spends

Neither should you

Good

Someone was standing by my bureau

Perhaps you were dreaming

I can assure you I wasn't

If Mops had been with me he would have chased them off

I will put in another request

The French seem remarkably reluctant to allow him to return

How are you settling in with your household?

Madame Etiquette doesn't stop snarling at me

Perhaps she's not amused by her nickname

I can't think who coined it

Did you see? He completely ignored her

You can blame him

You look delicious, my love

Let's go hunting

You knew she wasn't menstruating when she left Vienna?

I had no idea, Prime Minister

Extraordinary

That an Austrian diplomat with your experience would take France for a complete fool

Are you not riding with us today, little dauphine?

I can't ride, Papa Roy

Mama forbids it

We shall have to find our way around that imperial dikta

Ah, my little Italy, always so very late

I'm so sorry, Majesty

I'm teasing you, child

Isn't she magnificent?

She's teaching me the art of seduction

Be careful of her lessons

Lombard will never agree

She's a shrinking violet

That ostrich bitch will do our work for us

It's them

What is he doing?

Ah, here she is

Did you enjoy the hunt, little dauphine, huh?

Papa Roy, it was thrilling

It really was

Look at you

Isn't she adorable, huh?

Someone's taken your seat

Go and chum the pants off your husband

Monsieur, wait

Monsieur, you were so brave this morning

I...I was certain the stag was going to get the better of you

But he didn't stand a chance

I have never seen anything like it

Would you like to visit me this evening?

Eat

Oh, look at them

I can't take any more

She has got to go

Why don't you come with me?

Sorry

I can be an absolute devil

Smile

It's a love apple from Spain

An aphrodisiac, apparently

It's often confusing to be confronted with the unfamiliar

I've always found it best just to plunge in

Oh, the skin is tight

My tip is meeting my resistance

But if you just gently push through

I find myself soft, right, interior

Am I making any sense at all, my boy?

Should I eat it before you make me eat it?

Who?

Bravo, little Dovry

Surely the Empress can't complain about you riding a donkey now, can she?

Well, I'm not going to tell her about the one

Neither will I

Oh, France, let her rest

She's already had one ass between her legs today

Be careful, child

Papa Roy has a penchant for virgin

Oh

My dog was sent back to Austria at the border

Oh, what a pity

Why wasn't it allowed to stay?

Oh, pss, didn't have a passport

So, to business

We have been searching all over Europe for a suitable wife for Papa

And we finally found her

Right here under our nose

Who have you chosen this time, madam?

Ta da

Me

Why not?

She's less his type than all the others put together

She'll do

She's a princess of the blood

Don't you want to be the Queen of France?

No

Do I?

Perhaps our little Dauphine can assist us

Papa will listen to you

Does he want a wife?

What he wants is irrelevant

Duty and decorum dictate that the King has a wife

Then why doesn't he marry Madame de Paris?

How can the King of France marry the Whore of Babylon?

What?

Do you know what a Whore is?

Allow me, allow me

She is a woman who screws for her supper

Your friend was your age when she first spread her legs

Thank you, Monsieur

Not in the mood?

What's new?

Good Lord

Too much?

Not enough

Is it true?

I suppose you found it funny that I didn't know

What is, what is this place?

Is this my life now?

Trapped where I can trust no one, not even you

You, Monsieur

No, look at me, look at me

Why, why don't you like me?

What, what have I done wrong?

Say something

Speak, speak to me

I am your wife

When are you going to be my husband?

I am going to be your husband

Friday the 21st

The Dauphine lost her temper with me

I think she is not suited to life at Versailles

Ready for your lesson?

Put that in the drawer for me, will you?

Time to explore what turns us ladies on between the sheets

I'm busy

I'll come back after supper, we can have a girls night in

I'm busy

Tomorrow?

Let me guess

You're busy

Have Madame been filling your head with nonsense about me?

You should have told me

Why, why didn't you?

My past is of no interest to me

Why is it of any interest to you?

So you were making a fool of me

Au contraire, I was trying to help you

Who else is there around here to do the job?

Oh, what a loyal friend I have

Friday the 21st

Do not indulge in the frivolity of the French

Remain a good Austrian archduchess

I have said it before to your sisters

And I will say it again to you

Don't go near a horse until you have a bouncing bourbon air

And despair

Why didn't she tell her daughter how to fuck?

At least my mother had the decency to prepare me for my career

And what a career

From street girl to the king's favorite

And all the way back again

Going nowhere

I wasn't dreaming, Mercy

Someone stole it

Someone stole mama's letter

I'll look into it

In the meantime, keep out of trouble

I'm not in trouble

Have Madame been drawing you into their little scheme?

How do you know about that?

Everyone knows about it

There are no secrets here

Right, so you knew, you knew about Madame du Barry

What difference does it make who she was?

What would mama say?

The Empress says that if she is the king's favorite, you should be her friend

What about Madame?

Don't get caught up in the crossfire between them and Madame du Barry

It's their war, not yours

I can't win

Whichever way I turn, there's a trap

Welcome to Versailles

Madame are on maneuvers

Not again

Who is it this time?

Lombelle

The only rival I have in my sights is our little Dauphine

If my brother won't jump on her, perhaps Papa Joie would do the deed

What does little Dauphine protest?

If she pulls that stunt, I will chase her all the way back to Vienna

Shall I come back later?

Provence is just leaving

Poor Provence, always the spare, never the air

Versailles wants me to be friends with her

She is not worthy to kiss your feet

I thought she was looking out for me

Du Barry only looks out for herself

How can I help you, Toinette?

Will you marry Papa Joie?

Would you like me to?

Black gold from Guadeloupe

Pull out your hands

Now these are the most expensive beans in the whole world

I have precious diamonds that cost less

But you would appreciate them, Lombelle

You're Italians, you love coffee, don't you?

Lombelle prefers hot chocolate

Well, just you wait until she's tried my coffee

Now, first just...

Intoxicating

Goodness

Oh no, I'm so sorry

Oh no, oh gosh

They're everywhere

I'm sorry, I'll just...

I'll just get them from out here

I'm sorry

I'm sorry

Keep going

Are we alright back here?

Still searching for coffee beans

There you go

Well, if that's how it is

Here we are

You have reduced the King of France to a scullery maid

I'm sorry

Why were you crawling around on the floor?

What did he say to you?

Did he upset you?

Oh, good Lord

You've been a great help to us

Thank you, Antoinette

Did you have fun with Papa Roy?

He made us coffee

Come and join me

So you have made your choice

I don't understand

These Madame have been plotting to replace me since the day I arrived

You're either in their camp or mine

It's not too late to change your mind

She's staying?

She's most definitely going

Bye bye, little dolphin

You won't be missed by anyone except Papa Roy

I'll talk to France

Isn't it time you spoke to him about me?

He barely notices I exist

You're on top of my list as soon as I've dealt with her

Our spies inform us that Austria is preparing to invade Poland

So this means war against Austria?

Not if you sign this, sire

The Empress can't make a move against Poland if our troops are sitting on her border

Oh

Next

Item two

Louis

Specifically his inability to shag his wife

She is the problem

Besides, they're totally unsuited to one another

Marriages are not made in heaven

Only a politician would try to mate them

She's frigid

He's mute

He is the heir to my throne

Exactly

The boy needs a wife who will satisfy him

The matter will be decided by my grandson

Item two

Thank you

Good work

I'm learning, sir

We must stand on our troops

Madame de Paris is plotting to remove Toinet

Why do you think I advise you to be neutral?

I didn't believe she would go this far

If Louis has to choose, I don't stand a chance

Can't you win him over?

How?

How?

I've tried

What else am I supposed to do?

Perhaps your mother will be able to guide you

Burn it after you read it

Don't lie down and give up, Toinet

You are an Austrian archduchess

Habsburgs never take no for an answer

Now, tidy your hair, fix your face and fight back

Shut up!

And you

You too

This is where you like to hide

Are these yours?

Yes

May I?

It's glorious

When you remove all the people

You will be a good king

Yes, you

I hope you will let me help you

And you

You

Yes, you

I hope you will let me help you

Yes, you

I hope you will let me help you

It was exquisite.

Ah, I'd pay good money for a portrait of a little vixen face at that moment.

Would you, monsieur?

I hate our silly quarrels.

Why don't we kiss and make up?

Then we can get down to the business of ruling France together.

Your business, madame, is to service the king.

Mine is to govern France.

Is that so?

It's time to make up your mind, boy.

How could you get out of my sight?

Prime Minister.

I'm sorry.

I'm staying.

I never doubted you would succeed.

I'm staying.

Looking for something?

I found it.

Why don't you join me for supper?

You don't mind expecting me?

You really think you're something, don't you?

I am something.

I'm an Austrian archduchess. I'm the dauphine of France. Who are you?

I'd rather be the king's whore than a frustrated virgin.

Still no progress in that department.

Maybe you weren't such a great teacher after all.

You're a poor student.

No grasp of the subject. No flair at all.

It won't be long before he gets rid of you.

Haven't you heard?

My father has asked me to stay.

I'll be in a row.

As our new ambassador, send our warmest wishes to the Empress.

Thank you, Countess.

Sire.

Now.

We have got to find Paul Vance a wife.

There's no way to secure an heir.

Moose.

Moose.

Have you missed me?

Come in.

What is that thing doing here?

Moose.

Moose.

Moose.