Mapleworth Murders (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - The Case of the Case of Wine: Part I - full transcript
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
- Welcome.
ABIGAIL: I can't tell you how excited I am
that you're going to be able to enjoy
some authentic New Woodstream vino.
- Hi, Abigail. Hi, Heidi.
ABIGAIL: Hello, Gilbert.
- Are you working the party?
GILBERT: Yes.
I'm actually working security.
Last year, Martha Tweenis,
the church organist, came in here,
got real drunk,
and started singing church hymns
- but adding dirty words.
- Oh, dear.
I had to escort her out of here,
but she did a toddler drop...
Get to the point, Gilbert.
- Enjoy the party, my queen.
- Thank you, Gilbert.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
[PEOPLE CHATTERING]
[POP MUSIC PLAYS OVER CELL PHONE]
Oh, stop it!
Yeah, no, it's this new new cellphone,
I loaded all up.
I don't know why you made me get
such a stupid device.
Would you be a dear
and change the ring sound for me
to something more appropriate?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I got you.
Mapleworth on the cellular phone.
Who is it?
Hey, it's Jerry, your agent.
How is the book coming?
Oh, it's going wonderfully.
Can't you hear me typing?
[MIMICKING TYPEWRITER]
Sounds like you are cranking it out.
Oh, yes, I'll have pages for you
by the end of the week.
- Well, you are the best in the business.
- And you're the best of the Jerrys.
[GROANS]
It's okay if need to go home
and work on your book, Aunt Abigail.
Pigeon paste! You just moved here.
Let's have a little fun.
Oh, you're always a good time,
Aunt Abigail.
But I'm pretty sure
this party's not gonna be fun.
[PLAYS JAZZ]
- Why?
- Just a little bit of juicy jazz.
Yes.
[CORK POPS THEN GLASS CLINKS]
What a snooze fest. It's like
the '80s had sex with the bible.
Well, New Woodstream has its share
of interesting characters.
Oh, chimp shit.
Paige Wellington is here. She's the editor
of the town paper, The Biweekly Monthly,
and she's a real know-it-all
pain in the pucker hole.
- Paige!
- Mapleworth!
What a beautiful polyester getup.
What lovely colorless neck balls.
Nice wig.
I'm Heidi. I'm her niece.
Cute. I'd leave this dumb party,
but I'm doing a story
on Julia Squift's rollout of her new rosé.
Oh, I'm sure it will be interesting.
She writes nonfiction.
[SNORING]
Oh, well...
it's better than a book full of snotty,
made-up word garbage.
My God, what is that smell?
- It's horri... Just... Just acrid.
- Oh.
It's making my eyes water. Oh. Paige...
- Who raised you?
- I didn't do it.
I didn't do it!
Ripe.
It was me and it was intentional.
You might not be well.
Oh, it's just a party trick.
[SNORING]
♪ What a friend we have in penis ♪
♪ All the tip and shaft to share ♪
Martha, you know you're not supposed
to be in here.
Come on, let's go outside.
No! We are... Well... I'm not going.
We're all having a good time.
♪ Nearer my butt to thee ♪
- Martha...
- MARTHA: h, no.
Gilbert, you are just mad because we went
on that G-damned date
and you weren't feeling it.
Well, get over it, Gilbert,
because all of this is not for you
- according to you.
ABIGAIL: Gilbert!
I didn't know you were seeing someone.
Why don't you introduce us
to your lovely, spirited gal?
I am not his "gal."
I asked him out about 10 times,
and finally I had to surprise-join him
at his booth at the Waffle Closet.
And we were having a wonderful time,
until he noticed I was there.
And I was like,
"Get off my jock, Gilbert."
Sounds like she wants to
really funk your junk.
ABIGAIL:
Gilbert, I'm thrilled for you.
You deserve to be physically reciprocated.
No. I... We... I... We...
- We didn't do anything.
- I mean, I did something later.
I put my Spanx in his mailbox.
- Oh, dear.
- Oh, Martha, Martha, Martha...
If you care about me at all,
let's talk about this outside.
[BLOWS RASPBERRY]
Oh, Martha, you know tongues
are for honeymoons.
- Let's go.
- Goodbye!
I don't wanna go.
I tricked you, I'm not gonna go.
Toddler drop.
♪ This little crotch of mine
I'm gonna let it shine ♪
No. Close it.
♪ Oh, this... ♪
Hello, gals.
Would you two like to try our best cab?
No, thank you. I drove my own car here.
- Oh. That is delicious.
- Oh, my turn.
- There's a spit bucket right here.
- No, thank you. We're good.
Oh, here's the rosé
- Thanks for that.
- Thank you.
I just want to thank you all
for coming to taste my new rosé.
I so enjoyed making it.
Mm. Oh, it starts with a hint
of peach skin on the lips
that turns into an explosion
of mouth feels,
and then it chokes you into a deeply...
satisfying finish.
[MOANING]
[MOANING CONTINUES]
I also wanna thank my best friend,
Lanie Delabouche,
who catered this whole event.
But I would stay away
from the mini crab cakes.
I bit into one, I bit a little crab dick.
I'm kidding!
I assure you there aren't any penises
in any of the food.
Not yet anyway.
Well, have fun everyone.
[MOANING]
- Julia. What was that?
- What?
This wine's been a really bad boy.
I'm going to spank it until it turns red.
All this wine is really going through me
like a frat boy down a Slip 'N Slide.
I probably won't make it to the bathroom.
We'll see. I wouldn't put money on it.
Pretty bad.
- Should you just go?
- Yes, I should.
- I urge you...
- What?!
- ...to use caution with me, Julia. Yes.
- Oh, to use caution, Richard?
BOTH:
You're not gonna get away with this.
- Oh. The food is, like, really good.
- Oh, yeah?
Julia clearly doesn't like it.
She didn't have to shame me like that
in front of everyone.
You know, sometimes she can be such a...
A giant red butthole!
Glad that you're the one
handling all the food.
Thank you.
Oh, God. The cheese is sweating.
I better go blot it
or I'll hear it from Julia.
No!
Heidi, have you seen Julia anywhere?
No, I haven't.
I wanted to congratulate her
on her new wine.
I usually hate rosé,
but this one is awful.
It is making me tipsy though.
I might even want to deep-throat
some of those crab dicks.
Boo-hoo-hoo.
Stop complaining. You think I care?
You're pathetic.
I'm gonna go back to my party.
[SCREAMING]
[SCREAMING CONTINUES]
Does somebody need help?
Shh. I'm trying to figure that out.
[SCREAMING CONTINUES]
Sounds like me on the crapper.
[SCREAMING CONTINUES IN DISTANCE]
Oh, not funny now?
I'm gonna go find my wife and kids.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[GASPS]
- Ah-ha.
- Oh.
HEIDI: That sucks.
Looks like Julia ordered
a white wine squisher.
Aunt Abigail.
Sometimes, humor is the perfect poultice
for pain.
Well, it's not a very...
"flattering" way to die.
She used to be a barrel of fun.
- It is sad, though.
- So sad.
Sorry, got to do this.
[ALL SCREAMING]
- Welcome.
ABIGAIL: I can't tell you how excited I am
that you're going to be able to enjoy
some authentic New Woodstream vino.
- Hi, Abigail. Hi, Heidi.
ABIGAIL: Hello, Gilbert.
- Are you working the party?
GILBERT: Yes.
I'm actually working security.
Last year, Martha Tweenis,
the church organist, came in here,
got real drunk,
and started singing church hymns
- but adding dirty words.
- Oh, dear.
I had to escort her out of here,
but she did a toddler drop...
Get to the point, Gilbert.
- Enjoy the party, my queen.
- Thank you, Gilbert.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
[PEOPLE CHATTERING]
[POP MUSIC PLAYS OVER CELL PHONE]
Oh, stop it!
Yeah, no, it's this new new cellphone,
I loaded all up.
I don't know why you made me get
such a stupid device.
Would you be a dear
and change the ring sound for me
to something more appropriate?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I got you.
Mapleworth on the cellular phone.
Who is it?
Hey, it's Jerry, your agent.
How is the book coming?
Oh, it's going wonderfully.
Can't you hear me typing?
[MIMICKING TYPEWRITER]
Sounds like you are cranking it out.
Oh, yes, I'll have pages for you
by the end of the week.
- Well, you are the best in the business.
- And you're the best of the Jerrys.
[GROANS]
It's okay if need to go home
and work on your book, Aunt Abigail.
Pigeon paste! You just moved here.
Let's have a little fun.
Oh, you're always a good time,
Aunt Abigail.
But I'm pretty sure
this party's not gonna be fun.
[PLAYS JAZZ]
- Why?
- Just a little bit of juicy jazz.
Yes.
[CORK POPS THEN GLASS CLINKS]
What a snooze fest. It's like
the '80s had sex with the bible.
Well, New Woodstream has its share
of interesting characters.
Oh, chimp shit.
Paige Wellington is here. She's the editor
of the town paper, The Biweekly Monthly,
and she's a real know-it-all
pain in the pucker hole.
- Paige!
- Mapleworth!
What a beautiful polyester getup.
What lovely colorless neck balls.
Nice wig.
I'm Heidi. I'm her niece.
Cute. I'd leave this dumb party,
but I'm doing a story
on Julia Squift's rollout of her new rosé.
Oh, I'm sure it will be interesting.
She writes nonfiction.
[SNORING]
Oh, well...
it's better than a book full of snotty,
made-up word garbage.
My God, what is that smell?
- It's horri... Just... Just acrid.
- Oh.
It's making my eyes water. Oh. Paige...
- Who raised you?
- I didn't do it.
I didn't do it!
Ripe.
It was me and it was intentional.
You might not be well.
Oh, it's just a party trick.
[SNORING]
♪ What a friend we have in penis ♪
♪ All the tip and shaft to share ♪
Martha, you know you're not supposed
to be in here.
Come on, let's go outside.
No! We are... Well... I'm not going.
We're all having a good time.
♪ Nearer my butt to thee ♪
- Martha...
- MARTHA: h, no.
Gilbert, you are just mad because we went
on that G-damned date
and you weren't feeling it.
Well, get over it, Gilbert,
because all of this is not for you
- according to you.
ABIGAIL: Gilbert!
I didn't know you were seeing someone.
Why don't you introduce us
to your lovely, spirited gal?
I am not his "gal."
I asked him out about 10 times,
and finally I had to surprise-join him
at his booth at the Waffle Closet.
And we were having a wonderful time,
until he noticed I was there.
And I was like,
"Get off my jock, Gilbert."
Sounds like she wants to
really funk your junk.
ABIGAIL:
Gilbert, I'm thrilled for you.
You deserve to be physically reciprocated.
No. I... We... I... We...
- We didn't do anything.
- I mean, I did something later.
I put my Spanx in his mailbox.
- Oh, dear.
- Oh, Martha, Martha, Martha...
If you care about me at all,
let's talk about this outside.
[BLOWS RASPBERRY]
Oh, Martha, you know tongues
are for honeymoons.
- Let's go.
- Goodbye!
I don't wanna go.
I tricked you, I'm not gonna go.
Toddler drop.
♪ This little crotch of mine
I'm gonna let it shine ♪
No. Close it.
♪ Oh, this... ♪
Hello, gals.
Would you two like to try our best cab?
No, thank you. I drove my own car here.
- Oh. That is delicious.
- Oh, my turn.
- There's a spit bucket right here.
- No, thank you. We're good.
Oh, here's the rosé
- Thanks for that.
- Thank you.
I just want to thank you all
for coming to taste my new rosé.
I so enjoyed making it.
Mm. Oh, it starts with a hint
of peach skin on the lips
that turns into an explosion
of mouth feels,
and then it chokes you into a deeply...
satisfying finish.
[MOANING]
[MOANING CONTINUES]
I also wanna thank my best friend,
Lanie Delabouche,
who catered this whole event.
But I would stay away
from the mini crab cakes.
I bit into one, I bit a little crab dick.
I'm kidding!
I assure you there aren't any penises
in any of the food.
Not yet anyway.
Well, have fun everyone.
[MOANING]
- Julia. What was that?
- What?
This wine's been a really bad boy.
I'm going to spank it until it turns red.
All this wine is really going through me
like a frat boy down a Slip 'N Slide.
I probably won't make it to the bathroom.
We'll see. I wouldn't put money on it.
Pretty bad.
- Should you just go?
- Yes, I should.
- I urge you...
- What?!
- ...to use caution with me, Julia. Yes.
- Oh, to use caution, Richard?
BOTH:
You're not gonna get away with this.
- Oh. The food is, like, really good.
- Oh, yeah?
Julia clearly doesn't like it.
She didn't have to shame me like that
in front of everyone.
You know, sometimes she can be such a...
A giant red butthole!
Glad that you're the one
handling all the food.
Thank you.
Oh, God. The cheese is sweating.
I better go blot it
or I'll hear it from Julia.
No!
Heidi, have you seen Julia anywhere?
No, I haven't.
I wanted to congratulate her
on her new wine.
I usually hate rosé,
but this one is awful.
It is making me tipsy though.
I might even want to deep-throat
some of those crab dicks.
Boo-hoo-hoo.
Stop complaining. You think I care?
You're pathetic.
I'm gonna go back to my party.
[SCREAMING]
[SCREAMING CONTINUES]
Does somebody need help?
Shh. I'm trying to figure that out.
[SCREAMING CONTINUES]
Sounds like me on the crapper.
[SCREAMING CONTINUES IN DISTANCE]
Oh, not funny now?
I'm gonna go find my wife and kids.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[GASPS]
- Ah-ha.
- Oh.
HEIDI: That sucks.
Looks like Julia ordered
a white wine squisher.
Aunt Abigail.
Sometimes, humor is the perfect poultice
for pain.
Well, it's not a very...
"flattering" way to die.
She used to be a barrel of fun.
- It is sad, though.
- So sad.
Sorry, got to do this.
[ALL SCREAMING]