Mapleworth Murders (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 11 - Mrs. Mapleworth's Grand Finale: Part II - full transcript
Hey, that's not meant for you!
- [SUSPENSFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
- [STOMACH GURGLING]
- [GROANS]
- [GASPS]
- [CUSTOMERS GASP]
- That's my salty nipple!
ABIGAIL: Suspect number one, Mrs. Twatt.
Pumpkin shooter.
Precisely. What do we know about her,
besides the fact
that she's balls deep in menopause?
She's not psyched
that you helped put her son in prison.
Correct.
And when she flipped a flamingo on me,
I noticed she was wearing the same
orange nail color that was on those books.
- Dink Choadler.
- Seemed so nice.
There are some nice murderers.
But he said he owned all my books.
- Like the books found in the trunk.
- ABIGAIL: Exactly.
He also yelled out,
"That wasn't meant for you,"
when Dink saw the drunk drink my drink.
Say that five fimes tast.
Doggamnit!
I mean, gab blam it!
Also, it's like he meant
for only you to drink it.
Plus, he made the drink.
Thank you, Gilbert.
Thank you, Jesus, for fun and friends.
And last but least,
this dick, Paige Wellingtont.
She was sneezing like crazy,
which would explain why there were so many
tissues in the front seat of that car.
Look at this mess.
A steaming hot pile of crow shit
all over my suspect board here.
It's a mess. Ironically,
I have my own same three suspects.
Really?
HEIDI: That's a grocery list.
"Two dozen eggs."
That's for Dink there,
because he makes me the rocky smoothie
every morning with the two egg yolks.
Who's "Two big grapefruits"?
That would be Mrs. Twatt there because
you have two big grapefruits on her chest.
And my nickname for Mrs. Wellingtont
is Hemorrhoids.
She's a pain in my ass!
Should I bring all three of them in
for questioning, sir?
Let me get my balls together first,
Gilbert.
I was gonna say that, but you're
talking over me in front of people.
I wish I could make a time machine
and go back five seconds
so I can say what I was gonna say
the first time.
It's funny that you're always about to
tell someone to do something
after they've already said
they're going to do it.
Honestly, I wasn't listening to you
at all, but I do sense a tone in the room.
Well, I think that
my aunt's probably just a bit on edge
after almost being killed twice.
Yeah. Why don't you go home and relax?
Fine, but just tell me what those three
say when you interview them.
Wait a minute now. No one's privy to that
except Gilbert and myself.
This is an ongoing investigation.
So stay out of it, Mapleworth.
Ugh. Why would I try to poison Abigail?
We're friends.
Everything you ever written about her
says different.
"Shitty writer solves murder."
"Abigail Windbag writes a dumb novella."
"Mystery solved.
Mrs. Mapleworth was the farter."
One more question.
Why are you such a boring waste of space?
[WHISPERS]
And also, she's a piece of shit.
- Woman!
- [YELLS]
Okay. Our job is to talk to the suspect
till the suspect fucks up.
So here's the question.
When you made Mrs. Mapleworth's drink,
did you add poison?
- Yes.
- See?
- Wait. Did you say vermouth?
- No. I said poison.
Oops. Then no.
I call all booze poison,
so when someone sits down,
I can say, "Name your poison."
Because it sounds nifty.
Okay, we got a few questions for you,
Mrs. Twatt.
That's no longer my name, thank God.
I remarried. Please call me Mrs. Minge.
Mrs. Virginia Twatt-Minge.
ABIGAIL: See, me and Gilbert here,
we're the police.
You better be careful how you answer this.
Did you put poison
in Mrs. Mapleworth's drink?
Answer the doggang question...
Oh! Answer the gall dang question...
Not today, Pilts, not today.
What the hell?
[QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING]
Get the fuck out of here!
Did you try to run over Mrs. Mapleworth
with your car?
How could I?
I was reviewing the Pitch 22 concert.
I sat right next to Mrs. Mapleworth's
niece and her two weird friends.
It wasn't me. I was at my whiskey club,
where we drink whiskey
and hit things with clubs.
How can I possibly have tried to run
Mrs. Mapleworth over
if I don't know how to drive
a ding-dang car?
Prove it!
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
- They're all innocent!
- [GILBERT SCREAMS]
Oh! Gilbert! You gotta give me a heads-up
if it's gonna be a shit-in-the-pants day.
It has been a stressful day, Aunt Abigail.
We really need to regroup.
Can I just, like, help you?
You don't need to coddle me, Heidi.
I'm not a little baby kitten
looking for her mama's teat.
Although I love those videos with...
Oh, I love it.
Well, it's time someone looked after you
for a change.
So you relax.
Let's put on one of your house dresses.
[YELLS]
Aunt Abigail?
Why do you have so many of these?
What, my neck massagers?
Don't tell me you don't get
a stiff neck sometimes.
All modern women do.
That's my favorite.
That's the purple princess.
It has 40 settings.
This one's pretty cool.
- Like steam punk. You junk.
- [BEEPING]
- I've never seen that before in my life.
- [BEEPING CONTINUES]
- [BEEPING INTENSIFIES]
- [YELLS]
- [EXPLOSION]
- [GASPS]
ABIGAIL: That could've killed both of us.
Looks like the dynamite set off
my neck massagers.
The giant one
is probably leading the pack.
Ah! Well, on the bright side,
there's gonna be a happy pussy tonight
in this house.
I'm sorry?
\Buttercrunch, I found your sparkle balls.
[SUSPENSFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
So how many neck massagers
were in the dresser?
Don't worry about it, Gilbert.
To the board.
[QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING]
Hmm.
Hmm.
Or...
Hmm. Oh!
Mmm.
What if there's more than one murderer?
- You know, I've been thinking...
- Can it, Gilbert.
You're just coming up with theories
to come up with theories.
I'm sorry, Gilbert.
I'm so discombobulated.
I'm very relaxed around murder,
but this one is different.
With all these close calls,
I've realized...
that I could lose my wonderful life,
with my wonderful friends and family,
at any time.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
I was gonna give you this gift card
to the spa for Sweetest Day, but...
I think you could use it now.
You know, Aunt Abigail,
maybe some relaxation can really help.
Maybe a little cucumber water
and a long overdue bikini wax
will clear my head
and help me solve this stumper.
Thank you, Gilbert.
[RELAXING MUSIC PLAYING]
[SIGHS]
[SUSPENSFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
Whoo!
It's warm.
It's very warm.
Uh-uh.
Oh!
[SUSPENSFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
Help!
[SUSPENSFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
- [SUSPENSFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
- [STOMACH GURGLING]
- [GROANS]
- [GASPS]
- [CUSTOMERS GASP]
- That's my salty nipple!
ABIGAIL: Suspect number one, Mrs. Twatt.
Pumpkin shooter.
Precisely. What do we know about her,
besides the fact
that she's balls deep in menopause?
She's not psyched
that you helped put her son in prison.
Correct.
And when she flipped a flamingo on me,
I noticed she was wearing the same
orange nail color that was on those books.
- Dink Choadler.
- Seemed so nice.
There are some nice murderers.
But he said he owned all my books.
- Like the books found in the trunk.
- ABIGAIL: Exactly.
He also yelled out,
"That wasn't meant for you,"
when Dink saw the drunk drink my drink.
Say that five fimes tast.
Doggamnit!
I mean, gab blam it!
Also, it's like he meant
for only you to drink it.
Plus, he made the drink.
Thank you, Gilbert.
Thank you, Jesus, for fun and friends.
And last but least,
this dick, Paige Wellingtont.
She was sneezing like crazy,
which would explain why there were so many
tissues in the front seat of that car.
Look at this mess.
A steaming hot pile of crow shit
all over my suspect board here.
It's a mess. Ironically,
I have my own same three suspects.
Really?
HEIDI: That's a grocery list.
"Two dozen eggs."
That's for Dink there,
because he makes me the rocky smoothie
every morning with the two egg yolks.
Who's "Two big grapefruits"?
That would be Mrs. Twatt there because
you have two big grapefruits on her chest.
And my nickname for Mrs. Wellingtont
is Hemorrhoids.
She's a pain in my ass!
Should I bring all three of them in
for questioning, sir?
Let me get my balls together first,
Gilbert.
I was gonna say that, but you're
talking over me in front of people.
I wish I could make a time machine
and go back five seconds
so I can say what I was gonna say
the first time.
It's funny that you're always about to
tell someone to do something
after they've already said
they're going to do it.
Honestly, I wasn't listening to you
at all, but I do sense a tone in the room.
Well, I think that
my aunt's probably just a bit on edge
after almost being killed twice.
Yeah. Why don't you go home and relax?
Fine, but just tell me what those three
say when you interview them.
Wait a minute now. No one's privy to that
except Gilbert and myself.
This is an ongoing investigation.
So stay out of it, Mapleworth.
Ugh. Why would I try to poison Abigail?
We're friends.
Everything you ever written about her
says different.
"Shitty writer solves murder."
"Abigail Windbag writes a dumb novella."
"Mystery solved.
Mrs. Mapleworth was the farter."
One more question.
Why are you such a boring waste of space?
[WHISPERS]
And also, she's a piece of shit.
- Woman!
- [YELLS]
Okay. Our job is to talk to the suspect
till the suspect fucks up.
So here's the question.
When you made Mrs. Mapleworth's drink,
did you add poison?
- Yes.
- See?
- Wait. Did you say vermouth?
- No. I said poison.
Oops. Then no.
I call all booze poison,
so when someone sits down,
I can say, "Name your poison."
Because it sounds nifty.
Okay, we got a few questions for you,
Mrs. Twatt.
That's no longer my name, thank God.
I remarried. Please call me Mrs. Minge.
Mrs. Virginia Twatt-Minge.
ABIGAIL: See, me and Gilbert here,
we're the police.
You better be careful how you answer this.
Did you put poison
in Mrs. Mapleworth's drink?
Answer the doggang question...
Oh! Answer the gall dang question...
Not today, Pilts, not today.
What the hell?
[QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING]
Get the fuck out of here!
Did you try to run over Mrs. Mapleworth
with your car?
How could I?
I was reviewing the Pitch 22 concert.
I sat right next to Mrs. Mapleworth's
niece and her two weird friends.
It wasn't me. I was at my whiskey club,
where we drink whiskey
and hit things with clubs.
How can I possibly have tried to run
Mrs. Mapleworth over
if I don't know how to drive
a ding-dang car?
Prove it!
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
- They're all innocent!
- [GILBERT SCREAMS]
Oh! Gilbert! You gotta give me a heads-up
if it's gonna be a shit-in-the-pants day.
It has been a stressful day, Aunt Abigail.
We really need to regroup.
Can I just, like, help you?
You don't need to coddle me, Heidi.
I'm not a little baby kitten
looking for her mama's teat.
Although I love those videos with...
Oh, I love it.
Well, it's time someone looked after you
for a change.
So you relax.
Let's put on one of your house dresses.
[YELLS]
Aunt Abigail?
Why do you have so many of these?
What, my neck massagers?
Don't tell me you don't get
a stiff neck sometimes.
All modern women do.
That's my favorite.
That's the purple princess.
It has 40 settings.
This one's pretty cool.
- Like steam punk. You junk.
- [BEEPING]
- I've never seen that before in my life.
- [BEEPING CONTINUES]
- [BEEPING INTENSIFIES]
- [YELLS]
- [EXPLOSION]
- [GASPS]
ABIGAIL: That could've killed both of us.
Looks like the dynamite set off
my neck massagers.
The giant one
is probably leading the pack.
Ah! Well, on the bright side,
there's gonna be a happy pussy tonight
in this house.
I'm sorry?
\Buttercrunch, I found your sparkle balls.
[SUSPENSFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
So how many neck massagers
were in the dresser?
Don't worry about it, Gilbert.
To the board.
[QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING]
Hmm.
Hmm.
Or...
Hmm. Oh!
Mmm.
What if there's more than one murderer?
- You know, I've been thinking...
- Can it, Gilbert.
You're just coming up with theories
to come up with theories.
I'm sorry, Gilbert.
I'm so discombobulated.
I'm very relaxed around murder,
but this one is different.
With all these close calls,
I've realized...
that I could lose my wonderful life,
with my wonderful friends and family,
at any time.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
I was gonna give you this gift card
to the spa for Sweetest Day, but...
I think you could use it now.
You know, Aunt Abigail,
maybe some relaxation can really help.
Maybe a little cucumber water
and a long overdue bikini wax
will clear my head
and help me solve this stumper.
Thank you, Gilbert.
[RELAXING MUSIC PLAYING]
[SIGHS]
[SUSPENSFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
Whoo!
It's warm.
It's very warm.
Uh-uh.
Oh!
[SUSPENSFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
Help!
[SUSPENSFUL MUSIC PLAYING]