Man with a Plan (2016–…): Season 4, Episode 5 - Winner Winner Chicken Salad - full transcript

Andi, is that you?

Yeah.

I'm in the bathroom
and I forgot my phone.

Ask me some trivia questions.

Okay, here's one:

whose wife doesn't like talking to you

while you're in the bathroom?

But it's just me and my thoughts.

It's like 1980 in here.

Andi?

Siri?



Anybody?

It's funny, you always want to
talk to me when I'm watching TV,

but you know where
I'm a captive audience?

The Admirals Club.

I told you I had two
rules when we got married.

All right? No cheating and no
talking to me from the bathroom.

Oh, and if you do cheat, she's
not gonna like that, either.

Hey, Mom?

Since there's no school today,

will you take me and my
friends dress shopping

- for the spring formal?
- You mean drop you off?

No, it has to pass dress code so
we need an old person's opinion.

It'll only take, like,
four or five hours.

Well, I can't think of a reason why not.



Unfortunately.

Is Dylan going to the dance?

I don't know. He was like,
"Eh," and I was like, "Yeah,"

and we were like, "Meh," you know?

Totes.

You're always like, "What?"
and he's like, "What?"

and we're like, "Whoa."

Uh, excuse me,

do you know what they're saying?

I mean, you seem normal,

but maybe that's because
you haven't talked yet.

Uh, Kate, your dad's talking
to me and it's, like, you know?

Nope. She's just like the other ones.

All right, girls, I'll take you.

Thanks, Mom.

Sup. Any of you gals
want to share a Go-Gurt

with a good listener?

Nice try, Teddy.

You see the way they noticed me?

I can't believe I have

to spend the whole day
at the mall with them.

Yeah, that's not fun.

You buy them a five dollar
pretzel and they take one bite.

They don't have the attention
span to get through a pretzel.

Last time I took them, I tried on a hat

and they laughed about
it for three hours.

Listen, honey, if I could
take the girls, I would.

Oh. Great.

- They're all yours.
- What?

No, no, no. No.

I was just being nice.

Let me say things I don't mean.

That's how a good marriage works.

- Oh.
- Uh, what are you doing out there?

Well, I was waiting for a
lull in the conversation.

Then I got interested,
like a good podcast.

Is Adam going to keep talking
to you from the bathroom?

Will Teddy ever find love?

Hmm...

Why are you here?

Uh, I stopped by on my way to the office

to tell you Don's not coming in today.

He has to take care
of his grandson Parker.

Oh, please.

This is just his latest
scam to get out of work.

All right, you go to the office,

put on a pot of coffee.
I will be right there

as soon as I bust Don.

No, he could be telling the truth.

I mean, I know Parker's
staying with them.

He's not taking care of that
kid with his wife in the house.

What's that supposed to mean?

Parker's a kid. Marcy is a woman.

What's that supposed to mean?

Don't answer, just curl up into a ball.

I can answer because I have

science on my side.

Women are designed to take care of kids.

You have special body
parts that make food.

Nothing that comes out
of me helps anybody.

Well, technically, men can lactate.

I'll wait outside.

What you said is so sexist.

Sexist?

Your body provides
anything a child could need.

You're like 7-Eleven for babies.

And if you have a problem with that,

take it up with Mother Nature, a woman.

Right, Lowell?

You're the bravest man I've ever known!

Okay. You don't like spaghetti.

He doesn't like spaghetti.

I've got to say,

I didn't believe you
were really watching him.

But I can tell it's true
'cause it is not going well.

Hey, Parker,

why don't you go in there and
not be in here for a while?

You look like Frankenstein.

Hurts every time.

Where's Marcy?

Marcy's had food poisoning for two days,

so I'm taking care of my grandson.

- Ah.
- He might not be a nice person.

I got problems, too.

I just got into a whole thing
with Andi about feminism.

You know how hard it is to
explain feminism to a woman?

Ooh, chicken salad. Now we're talking.

No, no, no. Put that back.
It's what made Marcy sick.

Well, then, why don't you throw it away?

That's Marcy's job. She
puts stuff in the trash,

I take the trash out. I stay in my lane.

Where's my sweet great-grandbaby?

Mom, Dad, Marcy's sick.
Will you watch Parker for me?

Oh. N-No, we're-we're
not hands-on anymore.

We visit the zoo, we
don't handle the animals.

Come on, Bev. Reverse engines.

You know, I'd feel bad for
you if it wasn't so funny.

Marcy, you're up, you're better.

You can take care of Parker.

I-I'm a little better.

I still need the weekend to recuperate.

What's that?

I'm taking out my trash.

I take out the trash.

Okay? Stay in your lane, baby.

By the way, Parker told me that
you tried to feed him spaghetti.

Only animals eat
spaghetti for breakfast.

Hey.

Does she still look sick to you?

Well, her color's good, she's not sweaty

and she hurt my feelings.

I'd say she's in top form.

I think she's better,
but she's milking it.

Oh. Well, let's find out.

Let's see what she's been up
to by going through her trash.

That's how they got bin Laden.

Empty bag of Flamin' Hot Cheetos.

People with food poisoning
don't eat flamin' hot anything.

She's playing you, man.

And she was trying to
get rid of the evidence.

I can't believe she's lying

just to get out of helping around here.

Well, maybe she's trying to get you back

for that time you did
it to her for 25 years.

Oh, there's a woman. Are you
here to take care of the kid?

No, I'm here to take care of Marcy.

She called and told me how sick she is.

Oh, which means you'll have to take

the girls shopping this afternoon.

What? No. Marcy's fine.

Look what I found in her trash.

Flamin' Hot Cheetos.

You went through a sick woman's trash?

Yeah... I am appalled.

It fell open. Uh...

Uh-huh.

Look, I'm taking care of Marcy,
and you are going to the mall.

Did you see that?

She didn't answer about the Cheetos.

She accused me of doing something wrong.

That's deflection.

She hit me with some verbal judo.

I don't get judo.

Judo's like karate for
when you're not that mad.

You really just zone in
on one word, don't you?

Pay attention.

The only reason Andi would do that

is if she knows Marcy's
not sick anymore.

Which means she's in on it, too.

Which means they're both a
couple of flamin' hot liars.

Which you thought was funny
when it was only happening to me.

Well, now it's happening to me.

I can't be following teenagers
around the mall all day.

I just turned 50.

Every minute I have left is precious.

Go tell your wife you
know she's faking it.

No way. The last time I accused
Marcy of faking something,

it almost ruined our honeymoon.

All right, listen, listen.

We know what they're doing,
but they'll just deny it.

And they're good with words
that make you feel bad.

Like "appalled."

- That's a principal's office word.
- Mm.

Well, there's only one move left.

Way ahead of you. We let
them get away with it.

Nope.

We poison you.

Or we do my thing.

Don't think of it as bad chicken,

think of it as freedom chicken.

Just take one bite, get a little sick.

I don't want to.

It'll be worth it.

Marcy gets up and takes care of the kid,

Andi doesn't have to take care of Marcy,

so she takes the girls shopping.

Everybody wins.

I won't win. I'll be sick.

No, no. You'll be a hero.

Will you call me that
in front of other people?

Probably not, but maybe.

What if I get caught?

You won't.

I have dipped my toe in
these dark waters before.

One time, when Teddy was
little and got strep throat

and nobody was getting any sleep,

I brushed my teeth with his toothbrush.

It was the perfect crime.

Two days in bed, unlimited Jell-O.

No, it's not worth it.

Don!

It's time for Parker's bath!

I'm glad you called. A day off is fun.

I've realized there's
an upside to being sick.

I enjoyed lying in bed

watching Don do all
the work for a change.

Yeah, one time when
the kids were little,

Adam got strep throat and part
of me thought he enjoyed it.

Wait, but be careful with those Cheetos,

they might be catching on
that you're feeling better.

Nah, it's fine.

I'll just tell them that I'm testing

my body to see how much it can take.

That's just good medicine.

Well, I am happy to jump on board.

Okay? 'Cause there was no way I
was taking those girls shopping

after what Adam said this morning.

"Women have different body parts.

You can make your own food."

- How dare he?
- Right?

- I mean, yes, it's true.
- Yeah, but it's not very nice to say.

And then,

Adam tells me to make coffee
because he'll "be right there."

Two hours later, no Adam,
no phone call, no nothing.

Try being the middle kid.

I haven't been to the
dentist in a year and a half.

You're a good listener, Teddy.

Parker just said I look like Shrek.

Do you see it?

Maybe in the shoulders.

Are you feeling anything?

Nothing. I think I have to eat more.

Hey, don't overdo it.

Remember when you
tried those pot brownies

before the Van Halen concert?

You ate too many, we had to leave early,

and you rode all the way home
with your head out the window

like a dog.

A dog that could see
into other dimensions.

I'm eating more.

Is it happening?

I don't know.

Maybe it was just
that last bite landing.

Nope, it's on.

See you on the other side, brother.

Dad!

Teddy started doing
push-ups outside my room,

and now my friends think he's weird.

I only did three.

But I started counting at 98.

You do listen to me.

I think it's time to head upstairs

and do some curls for the girls.

Teddy, no!

Teddy, leave your
sister's friends alone!

What a guy.

You're not gonna believe this.

Don is sick now.

What?

That is a crazy turn of events.

Yeah, so I came home, because
Marcy has to watch Parker.

Well...

at least now, you can
take the girls to the mall.

Oh, well... but you were
already planning on it.

So why not you?

- Or why not you?
- Or why not you?

- Or why not you?
- Okay.

You know what,

let's not be childish about this.

- Okay. Yeah.
- Okay?

Kate, your dad's ready
to take you to the mall!

Or your mom!

One of us!

My money's on your mom!

- What are you doing?
- What are you doing?

Look, I...

I just don't want to go.

Well, I don't want to go either.

Okay, you know what,

this is clearly a thorny issue.

Let's keep talking about it.

Well, great.

Okay, well, first of all,
in terms of mall trips,

I have definitely done more of those...

Keep talking.

I'm in the bathroom, but I am listening.

So I got Don to eat the chicken salad,

and now Andi is at the mall.

And you're proud of this?

A little bit, yeah.

My generation handed down
a paradise to our sons.

Men didn't lift a finger.

And then some sap comes along,

smokes a jazz cigarette and says,

"I don't think I'm doing
enough around the house."

Hey, we're holding our own.

You've sunk so low, you're
poisoning yourselves.

Face it, you've lost
the battle of the sexes.

I... We didn't lose.

We're just using guerilla warfare now.

You wouldn't get it. It's very tactical.

I'm basically a Navy SEAL.

So you're not dead in a ditch.

And your phone works. Interesting.

I made six pots of coffee!

I'm sorry, Lowell, I got busy

and forgot to tell
you I wasn't coming in.

And?

Uh...

And from now on, I will try to be

more sensitive to your feelings.

Thank you.

What?

Teddy Roosevelt wouldn't
even recognize you as a man.

I got your text. What's the code red?

You're not going to believe what
Don told me those idiots did.

Marcy, it burns.

Good!

- Hey, honey.
- Hey.

Where you been?

Oh, that's right, the mall.

- Why, wh-what do you got there?
- Oh.

Uh, I stopped by to
check on Don and Marcy,

and I found this chicken salad.

Huh.

I had no idea they had that.

Yeah, well, I figured
they're too sick to eat it,

so I thought I'd make you a sandwich.

It'll make me so happy
to watch you eat it.

You know what, I, uh...

I think I'm done eating chicken.

Really?

Yeah.

You ever hold a chicken
in your arms? Huh?

It's pretty beautiful.

It'll lay its little beak
right there on your shoulder.

Okay, well, if you don't want it,

I guess I'll eat it.

Okay, go ahead.

I'm gonna do it, Adam.
I'm gonna take a bite.

Well, if you want to, you should.

Your body, your choice.

That's equal rights.

Stop!

Why? What's the problem?

Okay, I should probably admit... Wait.

Before I do, how much do you know?

Everything.

Don told Marcy everything.

You poisoned your own brother
to get out of going to the mall.

Yes, I did.

But your hands aren't clean either.

You knew Marcy wasn't sick anymore,

but you pretended to take care of her

so you could get out
of going to the mall.

You would accuse me of that?

You... I am appalled.

Oh, oh, you're appalled again, huh?

Not this time, sister.

You're just trying to make me feel bad

to cover up your own crimes.

My crimes are nothing compared to yours.

You said all that stuff about

women and body parts, so I got mad.

I've been telling you my poorly
thought out theories for years.

- Why do you have such a problem today?
- Because...

Because I didn't want to go to the mall,

and I thought I could use that.

- I am appalled.
- Okay.

You know what,

we're both appalling.

Neither of us wanted to do something,

and instead of working it out,

we tried to screw each other over.

Yeah, that sounds like us.

What if we're not good people?

That's only true if you think about it.

Adam, I think we need to do
some real soul searching here.

You know? I me...

I have a relationship workbook upstairs

about this very thing.

Okay, all right. Wait
a minute, wait a minute.

Let's not go bananas.

We are not bad people.

We're normal.

Maybe low normal.

Upper bad.

Are we the worst
people in the world? No.

Could we improve? Probably not.

Look, honey,

sometimes in parenting,

a job comes along
that is truly horrific,

like five hours of dress shopping.

Yes. And we panicked.

Right. Our fight-or-flight
instinct kicked in.

And I would make the
argument that of the two,

fight is definitely better than flight.

That's true. I mean, I
could have chosen flight.

I could have moved
to Santa Fe and opened

a cute little pottery
shop with a green awning

called "A Penny For Your Pots."

Well, that's way too specific, but yeah.

We don't run.

And you know what that is?

That's brave.

Yeah. We're bad, but we're brave.

Like Han Solo.

Everybody loves that guy.

Right?

Okay, good.

We are back on track.

I am throwing this chicken
salad out in the trash,

and we are never gonna
talk about it again.

May the Force be with you.

You.

I know. I ran over between emergencies

to tell you I'm sorry.

Why'd you have to tell Marcy everything?

I thought I was dying.

I lost control of everything,
including my mouth.

I threw up the truth.

I told you not to eat too much.

Why can't you barely poison yourself,

like a normal person?

And I didn't tell her everything.

I didn't say a word about you
giving yourself strep throat

when Teddy was sick.

You did what?

This time I choose flight.

If you want to talk to me,
I'll be in the Admirals Club.

See you on the other side, brother.

How's your tummy?

Everything hurts.

That's the lies leaving your body.

All right, I'm taking off.

Hey, where are you headed so fancy?

Kate's dance. I'm gonna go try my luck

with some of the girls crying outside.

I'll see you around 10:00.

What a guy.

I-I mean, you should
probably go stop him.

No, no, no, this is definitely on you.

I mean... he's thinking with a body part

I don't even have.

- You enjoyed that, didn't you?
- I didn't hate it.