Man with a Plan (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 7 - Winter Has Come - full transcript

Okay, here's the deal...

if we plug these in and they light up,

we got to spend the
afternoon untangling them.

If they don't, we can chuck
'em and watch the game.

Yeah. I know what I'm rooting for.

Yeah.

- Aw...
- Aw...

- Hey...!
- Hey...!

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

- Aw...
- Aw...

- Hey...!
- Hey...!



(laughs)

I think we celebrate that
with a Christmas beer.

Hey, remember when we used to help
Dad untangle the Christmas lights?

Yeah. That's where I
learned all my swear words.

He'd start with a couple a couple
frickin' frackin's, and then he'd

move on to the good stuff.

ANDI: Hey.

- Hey, honey.
- (gasps)

Oh, look at the lights.

It's exciting!

It's the time to deck the
halls and jingle some bells.

- Don, you remember Christmas Andi.
- Yeah.

She's just like regular
Andi, except if someone

popped off her head and stuffed her



full of snowflakes and speed.

I can't help it... it's
my favorite time of year.

Oh, which reminds me. For our
Christmas pictures this year,

we're all gonna wear matching sweaters

for maximum cuteness.

I smell a trip to Sweater Barn.

Oh, Sweater Barn!

Great idea, Don. Thanks!

Yeah, thanks, Don.

- Well, at least it's not Candle House.
- Oh!

Candle House! Thank
you for reminding me.

- You did that one to yourself.
- Yeah.

Okay, honey,

you know I love Christmas Andi, okay,

but I don't want you making
yourself crazy, all right?

Christmas is still three weeks away,

and you're already at level eight.

That's okay, I can go
all the way to a hundred.

Okay. Well, I'm off to the craft store.

I can't believe I let our
glitter supply get this low.

Look, hey, hey, hey, before you
go, just think about this, okay?

You're back to work now, we
both have a lot on our plates...

maybe we should just dial
it back a little this year.

- Dial it back?
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, no, we have to amp it up

because I'm back at work.

Look, I... I want the kids to know that

I may have a job now, but
my heart is still at home,

covered with tinsel.

So that's a no on dialing it back?

Look, I know it's a lot,

but... look, on Christmas morning

when those kids come
running down those stairs

to open their presents,
it's-it's magical.

It's my magical moment,

and it makes all the hard work worth it.

Hey, if you really want
to amp up Christmas,

I suggest a trip to Decoration Station.

Oh, I love that place!

5,000 square feet

of things to hang on a tree.

The choices will bring
Adam to his knees.

What are you doing?

I'm trying to send you to
some more boring stores,

'cause I think it's funny.

- Aw...
- Aw...

You guys better untangle those.

DON: Andi's on

a holiday roll, man.

You got some tough weeks ahead of you.

Yeah, but she loves it.

Happy wife, happy life.

Happy husband...

It's so unimportant nobody
even tried to rhyme it.

You know,

there is a way out of this...
outsource it. Fix it so that

you guys spend Christmas
with one of the grandparents.

Let them do all the work.

Well, we can't go to our folks.

Things are weird between Mom and Andi

since she caught Andi
staring at her chin whisker.

You could strum a
guitar with that thing.

But you know what?

Andi's parents could work. Yeah, I mean,

they're both active,
they're both clean-shaven...

and they're both

as crazy about Christmas as she is.

You know, they'd do all the prep.

It'd take a lot of pressure off Andi.

And less work for you.

Yeah, don't think I didn't notice that.

Mm, I don't know, though, you know.

If I suggest it, she's
gonna know I have an angle.

She's smart, Don... it's
her only bad quality.

You don't suggest it to Andi.

Call her parents, say
the grandkids miss them,

sit back, let it happen.

It's like taking candy

from... a really old baby.

I love this idea.

I'm gonna call them right now.

I'm right here if anything goes wrong.

You haven't moved all day.

True.

Frank. It's Adam.

How's things in Virginia Beach?

You guys getting ready for Christmas?

Yeah, the kids sure would
love to see you this year.

Huh? Spend Christmas at your place?

I'm in. But run it by Andi.

Yeah, but say it came from you;
don't tell her it was my idea.

Why? U-Uh...

Hold on a sec.

Why?

Just hang up.

Uh, because I want you guys to
get credit for this great idea.

Yeah.

(chuckles): Okay. Oh.

Ho-ho-ho to you, too.

Hey, um, my folks just called.

They want us to go to
Virginia Beach for Christmas.

What?

That's out of the blue.

Yeah, but we should
just stay here, right?

Definitely, yeah.

On the other hand...

you know, now that I'm thinking
about it for the first time...

it might make your life easier.

You know, you said you
wanted an amped-up Christmas

and you know your parents
go Christmas crazy.

It's genetic.

Yeah, I mean, they did sound
pretty excited. (chuckles)

And I guess it would
be less work for us.

Would it be?

I don't know, let's just do it and see.

Yeah, I mean, I suppose we could do

all our Christmas Eve
traditions down there, right?

I mean, like, buying the tree,

and wrapping the presents,

and bandaging your paper cuts

from wrapping the presents.

Three generations,

celebrating the holiday together.

You know, now that I'm
over the surprise of it,

I got to say, that sounds pretty good.

I'll call it "Christmas
Through the Generations."

You know, we've never

taken a picture with my parents

all in the same sweater.

You are knocking me out, lady.

And I'll still get my magic
moment Christmas morning.

I love it.

I'm gonna go check flights to Virginia.

That's a great idea. Yeah.

You know, I got to say,
I feel a little silly

that I didn't think of this one myself.

Well, you got to admit,

all this free time

has been pretty relaxing, right?

Yeah.

Weird, but relaxing.

Oh, I talked to my parents

and they are taking care of everything.

They even had our traditional

pre-Christmas fight for us.

Oh, and we're all set
on the kids' gifts.

I ordered everything online,

I had it sent directly to Virginia.

It was amazing.

I'd pick one thing

and the Internet would say,

"If you like this,

you might also like this."

And I did, every time.

Mommy, I finished

my letter to Santa.

Oh, good job, sweetie.

Just in case he didn't
get your first 17.

I'm not taking any chances.

So, how'd you do?

I got everything,

except the baby sister.

(both grumbling, chuckling)

Mom,

did you tell Dad about
who stopped by earlier?

Oh, yeah, Carol
Robertson from next door.

- (groans)
- Yeah, she dropped off

her keys so we could

watch their place while they're away,

but really,

it was really just an excuse to brag

about their two-week
vacation to Hawaii.

Well, did you tell her
that we'd be spending

the next three days in Virginia Beach,

the Hawaii of Virginia?

Yeah, she said we had
the shortest vacation

of anyone she knew.

And then she flipped her hair so hard

she almost fell off the porch.

(chuckling)

(scoffs) Yeah,

Sasha Robertson is the
meanest girl in our class.

She started a rumor that I wear a wig.

And I know she got a nose job.

I mean, sure, you get hit in the face

with a volleyball and
your nose gets cuter?

Why can't you just tell
people you don't wear a wig?

In middle school,

the more you deny something,

the more people believe it.

Ow!

Give it a yank, Dad.

Something's going on there.

Okay, I'm gonna walk away.
You do what you need to do.

Merry Christmas Eve morning, babe. Huh?

Honey, that blizzard

that was supposed to
hit New York last night?

- It hit us instead.
- Ooh.

They say it's bigger
than the blizzard of '75.

Ha! Take that, '75.

No, the airports are closed.

How are we gonna get to my parents'?

I mean, I have a suitcase
full of matching sweaters

and I need some old people to wear them.

Okay, plan B:

we are driving to Virginia.

Yeah, who doesn't like
a road trip, right?

And the lack of visibility
will make it exciting.

Like a video game.

Turn up the heat, it's cold.

I hope your wig doesn't freeze.

I'm going to choke you
while you're sleeping.

All right, all right.

No choking until after Christmas.

(scoffs) Look,

the Robertsons keep posting

bikini selfies from Hawaii.

Give me that.

Hey, give me that.

Give me that!

All right, let's hit the road.

- (car shifts into gear)
- Virginia, here we come.

(engine revving)

(revving continues)

I don't think we're moving.

Guys, I don't think we're making it

to Virginia for Christmas.

Then I'm going back inside.

It's windy out there.

Hold on to your wig.

Don't fall asleep, Teddy.

Don't ever fall asleep.

Well, I could try and dig us out.

Oh, no.

They just closed all the roads.

Okay, okay, all right,

so we'll have just
have Christmas at home.

Like we always do.

But it won't be the same.

I mean, we don't have anything ready.

We don't even have a tree.

(scoffs)

Or do we?

Okay, I think you know
where you can put that.

Oh, I know it's awful.

But we can't control the weather, Dad.

What?

Why would Adam be disappointed?

Oh.

Coming to see you was his idea.

Just hang up.

So this whole trip to
Virginia was a scam.

You went behind my back,

you manipulated my parents,

and you set into
motion a chain of events

that effectively ruined
Christmas for everyone.

To be fair... okay?

If it hadn't snowed and
you hadn't found out,

you wouldn't be mad right now.

Okay, so,

I think we're both victims

of bad luck.

Just... walk me through
your thought process.

Well, I was talking to Don...

Ah.

So there was no thought process.

Okay, I'm sorry, all right?

But I was thinking of you.

I felt like you were taking on too much.

And you got to admit,
these last three weeks

have been very relaxing.

Do I look relaxed now?

Well, I think you look
beautiful, baby. Come on.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

I think you were just trying to
get out of all the holiday work.

Well, sure, there was
a little bit of that.

But you got to look at it
from my perspective, okay?

Every year, I take friendly
fire from Christmas Andi.

You know? You remember the time

you made me put

the inflatable Santa up on the roof

and the wind picked up?

Me and Kris Kringle parasailed
into the church parking lot.

Okay, that was scary.

And a little funny, but... (chuckles)

I guess I can go a little
bit overboard at Christmas.

All right, look, honey,

I love that you want
Christmases to be great.

You're adorable.

It's like being married to a...

sexy elf.

And I'm sorry this
isn't what we expected,

but you know what?

I think we have the makings

of a classic Christmas here.

We got snow, family.

(gasps) Forgiveness.

Huh?

Fine.

But I just want you
to know that, normally,

I would stay mad longer,
but Christmas Andi's

just too freaking jolly.

You know what we'll do? We'll have a...

simple, old-fashioned Christmas.

- Yeah.
- We can

make our own decorations,

sing songs by the fire.

You know what? I'm actually
getting excited about this.

You know, there's no reason

that this can't be one of
our best Christmases ever.

EMME: Hey, if we don't have a tree,

where is Santa gonna
put all our presents?

What?

Presents.

She said "presents."

Yes, I-I heard her.

Uh, okay, uh... here's
the thing, sweetie,

um, Santa thinks we're in Virginia.

Yes, yes.

That's a good point. Yeah.

Listen, honey, honey, you know,

Santa is gonna deliver all
the presents to Virginia

because he doesn't
know we're stuck here.

Daddy, he sees you when you're sleeping.

He knows when you're awake.

He knows we're in Pittsburgh.

Okay.

That's really an
ironclad argument there.

Well?

Why aren't I one of those moms

that buys extra toys
in case of emergencies?

Because there's no such
thing as a toy emergency.

Oh, really? 'Cause I think we
might be in the middle of one

right now.

- You haven't found anything?
- No. Just...

an unopened box of birth control pills.

Well, that's troubling.

Look, we've got to find something.

- I mean...
- Okay, okay.

Okay, I want you to
see those happy faces

on Christmas morning, all right?

All right, um... you
and the kids get started

on the decorations,
and I'm gonna head out

and find us some presents.

Wha... but the whole
town is closed down.

This is America, somebody's
always selling something.

I like Crafty Christmas, Mom.

- I think our tree's cute.
- It is, isn't it?

Who needs a fresh-cut tree
when you've got Christmas spirit

and Mommy's drying rack?

You have a nice rack, Mommy.

It's a... drying rack, sweetie.

You got to say "drying"
if you're gonna say "rack."

ADAM: Hey, there's my Christmas elves.

Wow, look at that tree.

Yeah.

All our real decorations
are in the garage,

which is frozen shut, but you know what?

I think I handled that
setback like a champ

thanks to my new friend,

peppermint schnapps.

Look.

I made a nativity scene

out of my Transformers.

Baby Jesus transforms into a car,

'cause I think he could.

Well, sure he could, honey.

We really got to get him
back in Sunday School.

Yeah.

So, uh, you guys, uh, keep decorating.

I just... I got to talk
to Daddy in the kitchen

for a minute, okay?

(softly): So...

how'd it go with the kids' presents?

Before I tell you,

they won't look good unless you know

that the only place open that I
could walk to was a gas station.

That being said,

- I tried to be very thoughtful, okay?
- Okay.

Okay, Katie's taking Spanish, right?

So I got her...

taquitos.

I got a pool toy for Emme.

But we might have to
change the packaging

'cause it says, "Trucker's
Hemorrhoid Ring."

And I got Teddy this really cool funnel.

You know, in case he wants
to pour a lot of liquid

into a really small opening.

- We can't give them these.
- What?

I mean, sure, Teddy's gonna
love that funnel, but...

the rest of this stuff is no good.

You know what I love best
about our tree, Mommy?

Oh, what's that, sweetie?

That's where all our
presents are gonna go.

Oh, that's right, sweet pea.
You're not even gonna be able to

see the tree because all the presents.

Yay!

Why?

I didn't want to disappoint her today,

because tomorrow is gonna be brutal.

Yeah, because we don't have
any presents to put under

our drying-rack tree,

which is decorated with
spoons and chip clips.

I mean, those kids are
gonna be devastated tomorrow

and it's all thanks to you.

Wha... hey.

Hey, hey!

What happened? I thought we made up.

I forgave you too quickly.

Christmas Andi's just
a soft-hearted fool.

- That's the pantry!
- Yeah.

Hey, Butterbean,

why are you still awake?

We forgot to put out cookies for Santa.

Ah.

Uh, listen, Emme,

you know, I'm still a little worried

that Santa might not
have gotten the message

that we're stuck in Pittsburgh.

You worry too much.

Well, I just don't want
you to be disappointed

if he doesn't come tonight.

The only reason Santa wouldn't come

is if I wasn't good this year.

Oh, honey, you're the best kid

there ever was.

Daddy,

can you tell me a bedtime story?

Oh, okay.

Here, come here.

(groans)

Uh...

'Twas the night before Christmas.

And a handsome prince
had angered his princess

because he foolishly listened

to an idiot giant named Don.

That's like Uncle Don.

Exactly like Uncle Don.

(kids yelling over each other)

- Oh, right in the jingle bells.
- Come on!

- Let's go open our presents!
- Come on!

No, no, no, you guys, hold on, wait.

Let's go, let's go, let's
go, let's go, let's go!

Oh...

This is gonna be so tough.

Okay, you ready for this?

Yeah.

I'll just put some
schnapps in my coffee.

Oh...

my God.

Merry Christmas.

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!

See, I told you Santa would come.

A doll house!

Oh, cool, an Xbox.

(gasps) And a funnel!

What is happening?

Where did all this stuff come from?

Well, last night, I
was feeling really bad

so I went out in the backyard

and I looked up at the stars,

and I wished with all my might

for a Christmas miracle.

And that worked?

No!

No, then I remembered we
had a key to the Robertson's,

so I just went over there
and stole everything.

Aw.

You stole me my magic moment.

This is the best Christmas ever.

Aw.
(both chuckle)

And don't worry, I'll
put everything back.

When the Robertsons get home,

everything will be
just like they left it.

Except it's gonna stink,

'cause I stashed a
taquito in their air vent.

That's weird.

All I got was this old notebook.

Oh, did you open it?

Oh, my God!

It's Sasha Robertson's diary!

And she did have a nose job!

It's a Christmas miracle.